Should I ask him out on a date?

[DoIDareDareIDo]

So there is this guy in my larger friendship group, I have kind of gotten to know him little better lately and I have developed a huge crush on him.
He is single. And so am I.
Should I ask if he’d like to go on a date?

One thing that has be stalling me (other than being too nervous) is that I’m asexual. I know this is a dealbreaker to most, but the thing is: I’ve only ever had one crush before and then I self-sabotaged and convinced myself that I shouldn’t even bother. And I always regreted it, even if he had turned me down, at least I would have known, you know.

And other thing is that if this guy would say yes and I tell about myself, I’m afraid if he then tells/outs me to the people we both know.
No one knows I’m asexual and I’m nervous they’d mock or bully me if they knew.

Should I still ask him?

If you have a crush on him surely that means you are attracted to him which contradicts you identifying as a sexual?

Romantic attraction, it’s not same as sexual attraction.

It's a tricky one.
Social derision is scary and that's the risk.
Suppose it depends on whether you think he would keep that in confidence, or if he didn't, if you didn't mind it being known.

Maybe if not with this guy, for any guy in the future you should make it known and allow your life to be open that way.
Those who mock aren't real friends anyway, so it might mean your friendship group evolves.

But unless he is asexual there is no point approaching him as not many people who have sexual desires would want to partner with someone who didn't. Do you think he might be?

I did see a programme once about a dating service for asexual people, because out is a specific dating need which can be hard to find.

It would be unfair to enter a relationship knowing sex is off the table without telling the other person.

By doing so, yes you risk being rejected as its a very unusual ask from someone.
If you want a romantic relationship with a like minded person I'm sure there are online groups.

Your situation is quite unique so the chances he is asexual too is low. Therefore you would need to tell him and he would probably let slip to the someone in the group.

You could go on a date and both enjoy it, but I can't think there's a lot to pursue beyond that. He might be up for a romantic friendship as a nice thing but unless he's similarly asexual (v unlikely) he'd either want things to progress physically or look elsewhere so it would Peter out or be upsetting/frustrating. However many dating scenarios don't work out, so that's not a reason to never do it. You could go for the date, make your feelings/boundaries clear (as part of the chat, not formal announcement) and see how he reacts. Nothing ventured.

Sorry I forget about the outing aspect. Either you have to trust him on that or never date anyone you know... or work on why you don't want your friends to know this pretty fundamental info about you. Would it not be good to come out? You sound like you might be liberated from some anxiety about if by doing so.

I'm not sure of the correlation between being asexual and being romantic. I perhaps need to, to use that patronising phrase, "educate [myself]".

After a string of shocking relationship experiences I couldn't care less if my foofoo froze over. I'm not sure if that makes me asexual or not. I know I didn't use to be in the past but I couldn't give a monkeys about sex now and can't see myself in a relationship ever again.

However I do fancy a man I work with and though I don't consciously think about him I've dreamed about him and been embarrassed when I woke up.

Thanks everyone.

@pinkdelight
why you don't want your friends to know this pretty fundamental info about you. Would it not be good to come out? You sound like you might be liberated from some anxiety about if by doing so.

I’m scared to tell, because one: when I read online about coming out as an asexual, it’s usually met with ridicule, why would anyone care, shut up, attention seeker - type of comments.
So I just took it as I should just keep it to myself.

Funny thing about your comment is, that I actually gor nervous just making this thread, I had to go on a walk to calm down.
So, I really do have anxiety about this.

O just keep thinking about this, because I don’t want to, yet again, regret not knowing in the future.

@TheAverageJoanne
By ’fancy’ do you mean you are sexually attracted to him? Even if you wouldn’t jump to have sex with him right now?
If yes, then you are not asexual.
Asexuality just means lack of sexual attracrion complitely, like I have no idea what that is or could feel like.
Bad expiriences in the past doesn’t mean asexuality.
Just that you don’t feel safe/trust men etc.

I know the irony of giving advice online about ignoring what you read online, but there are a zillion different coming out stories in the world so try not to focus on the negative ones even if it's your anxiety's inclination to do so. There's many more who feel relief and like they can be themselves at last, and even the 'attention seeker' stance is that it's no big deal rather than having particular prejudice against asexuals. Don't forget people are much ruder online than IRL and you're talking about your friends here who must like you. They may already have noticed you never have relationships with guys you like and you'd just be confirming what they think. Could this date, if you go for it, be a way to move forward to being more out in your group? At the very least, don't rule something out because of the fear of your friends knowing you better. If they're arseholes about it, they weren't real friends anyway. But chances are they'll be curious and cool about it and you can stop worrying so much.

@DoIDareDareIDo Yes I think you've summed me up there!

Don’t. It’s not fair to him if you are asexual. Most people’s understanding of entering into a relationship even at the earlier point of a first date is that it could lead to a sexual relationship. It would be incredibly unfair of you to then say you won’t have any form of sexual relationship with this man.

There is nothing wrong with being asexual. It's your preference and nothing to be ashamed of. If you were my friend, I'd probably ask questions about it but if anything just to understand?

I think however, the likeliness of this guy being asexual and happy being with someone asexual is very low as it's quite unusual in the grand scheme of things.

If you feel sensitive around your preference with your friends, I think you need better friends.

I think personally you might do better aimed on a site towards asexual people and meet like minded so you don't get this kind of extra stress.

Good luck to you

In your position, if you're that worried and you can't trust him to be quiet I wouldn't ask him out.

As others have said, the chances that he's also asexual are low so you'd end up having to tell him

The chances of meeting an asexual man out in the wild is incredibly slim. You'd have to be honest and upfront with him otherwise it wouldn't be fair to him. Even if he kept your confidence, chances are he wouldn't want a relationship without sex.

Sexuality is complicated, I believe if I had know about all the different sexuality's we now identify when I was younger I'd know I was asexual- I don't find anyone sexually attractive, not even my husband, who doesn't know! Mainly because I can have sex without sexual attraction, to me it's a physical act like playing tennis, that doesn't involve emotions.

Do you think if you were in a romantic relationship you would be more inclined to have sex, which for some people is hugely important? You don't have to be sexually attracted to someone to have sex. Or does it all repulse you and you don't think you'll ever have sex?

If it's the might be able to have sex if in a relationship then:-
I would first tell him that you have a crush on him and see if he feels the same.
If he doesn't- you'll know and not have revealed anything about yourself you don't want others to know.
If he does, ask him if he would be willing to take the relationship slowly.

If you don't think you will ever have sex then you could do the same as the above but you will have to tell him eventually.
Good luck.

I am really ignorant about being ace, so sorry if I'm clumsy. What would the relationship you would like with him ideally be? Would you want to be in each other's corner, a special friend, plan to do stuff together like holidays, hug, kiss? Sleep in the same bed? Live together? I wonder if you worked out what you would like from him, might it be within his bounds of close friendship? For example if you wanted an intimate emotional closeness and someone to do stuff with, you could tell him you are asexual but would love to be like that with him? Assuming he is not asexual,for him that might be part of friendship, or "friends with additional emotional intensity" and he might be up for that.

Would you mind if he slept with other people?

@EthicalNonMahogany

Be like partners, minus the sex.
I don’t want to be just friends, don’t get me wrong, happy to just be friends, but I would like more.

Would you mind if he slept with other people?
Obviously this is nothing but theoretically and in best case scenario, but after establishing a relationship and learning how he views love, then I think I’d be okey with this. As long as it just sex.

@wordledrivingmemad
No, I don’t want to and have no interest in having sex.
Repulsed is bit of too strong of a world, but it is a strong no from me.

I'm curious OP. If you don't mind me asking, What's the difference between friendship and a boyfriend for you? Is kissing something you're OK with?

Have actually had sex, OP? It seems quite odd to me, to be so certain that your crush is so very different from the way others experience attraction.

No

Surely the chances that an average person would want to pursue a sexless romantic relationship is incredibly slim? You could ask op but I wouldn't hold my breath.

@supercali77
What's the difference between friendship and a boyfriend for you?

I just know the difference. The way I want to be closer to them, together with them, emotionally.
I start dreaming about life together, building a life together.
Friends are just friends, totally different.
I mean, if you have had partners, surely there has been other things and feeling too, not JUST sex?
So, those. All of those, just no sex.

@donquixotedelamancha
Have actually had sex, OP?

No.

It seems quite odd to me, to be so certain that your crush is so very different from the way others experience attraction.

I don’t really understand what you mean by this.

I don’t really understand what you mean by this.

What I mean is: you are very sure that you don't want sex, that your romantic attraction is not sexual attraction and that you can tell someone else isn't having sex in a different way to how you aren't having sex; I'm sceptical that you have enough life experience to be so certain about all this.

I think it might be worth weighing up how much you want a romantic relationship and perhaps being open to sex with a trusted partner before you write it off altogether for the rest of your life.

I really wouldn't ask him, OP. I think the chances that he is asexual are extremely slim