We have agreed to separate

DueyCheatemAndHow · 2023-08-26T05:37:28+00:00

I'm absolutely devastated. The relationship isn't working. We've had 2 rounds of couples counselling. We've been together 15 years, we have 2 young children. I'm terrified, upset, my whole world is coming crashing down around me.

Gettingbysomehow · 26/08/2023 07:06

It seems terrifying to you now. So many of us have been there. But it's more terrifying living with someone with whom you are in a miserable relationship.
It's better to rip the plaster off now and move on. In a years time you will not recognise yourself. The freedom. Is like breathing in a lung full of beautiful sea air. Can you tell us why the relationship failed?

SataumaMeddler · 26/08/2023 07:10

I'm sorry ❤️. Go gently on yourself through the initial grief period and do what you need to get by. Brave decision to make and the fact you've done the work in counselling shows it's not been made lightly

Thelonelygiraffe · 26/08/2023 07:18

I'm really sorry to hear this. Be kind to yourself and don't expect to feel better instantly.

But it will all work out for the best, and you will move on, feel better and you will be happy again. 💐

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 07:27

Thank you everyone.

We just cannot communicate. Good example yesterday looking at showers. We go with the kids, I want the shower so DH kindly says 'ill look after the kids,.you choose whatever you want'. Get there, I say 'ooh a bigger shower head would be lovely'. DH says 'think it's unnecessary. It's like a dinner plate. The one we have is big enough'

Later I say 'we've chosen the most boring shower'. I get called brattish and impossible to please because 'he gave me total choice'.

It sounds such a trivial example but this is how it is all the time.

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UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 08:05

That doesn't sound like a major disagreement, you wanted a big shower head he said he thought it was unnecessarily large. You sulked about not getting what you want, he called you a brat. It's all very immature

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:07

I don't really need a critique, thanks. Nothing immature about how we've conducted this marriage. We both just cannot continue as we are.

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Dozycuntlaters · 26/08/2023 08:15

Sounds like you just go along with what he says to keep the peace? He said you could choose the shower head but made it clear he preferred a smaller one and rather than push back and get what you want you've just gone along with him.

This breeds resentment. I lived like that for over 20 years until one day I upped and left. Hard at first but so so worth it. Honestly I know it's scary but you'll be fine and much happier once you feel more settled. Stay strong, you've got this!!

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:19

We just cannot seem to communicate. He said 'that wasn't me saying no, you could have disagreed'. We have 2 incredibly demanding children, everything is done on a real timer of how long we can keep them amused for, I just didn't have the energy to argue about it. He said I could choose, it was obvious I wanted the bigger one as I'd said so.

It's just all so unbelievably exhausting.

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Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:19

To be clear these interactions are very frequent. We aren't separating because of a shower.

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BigButtons · 26/08/2023 08:19

UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 08:05

That doesn't sound like a major disagreement, you wanted a big shower head he said he thought it was unnecessarily large. You sulked about not getting what you want, he called you a brat. It's all very immature

So you really think it is actually about a shower head?

UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 08:23

@BigButtons no I think it's immature bickering on both sides which could be improved with better communication and compromise

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:26

This morning

Me 'how did you sleep?'

Him: 'well I fell asleep'

Him: see we cannot talk. Even that you're screwing your face up

Me: when u ask someone how they slept, usually they gve a review of the night. Eg I thought one of the kids woke up, maybe i dreamt that but you might have been up with them. That's what people are sort of asking about when they say how did you sleep.

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GoodVibesHere · 26/08/2023 08:30

UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 08:23

@BigButtons no I think it's immature bickering on both sides which could be improved with better communication and compromise

He isn't compromising though is he.

OP it sounds like he's being a bit of a bully really. He's being obtuse, and looking for an argument all the time.

TammyJones · 26/08/2023 08:32

2 things here op
Have you a better example?
The shower head does seem a bit of a non event.
( I don't like the big ones because I like to take the shower off the holder and let the water wash- um other areas close up )
But the other thing is 2 demanding kids.
What ages are they?
2 and 3 years out a lot of stress on the relationship
9 + 10 they can entertain themselves, unless they are SEN.

Phleghm · 26/08/2023 08:33

I hope you're okay OP. It's a horrible situation and you sound as if you don't get on, which is crappy.
I think that maybe you're choosing the wrong examples to share with us? Because the things you've stated make it sound like you don't like him and aren't afraid to show your annoyance, and actually being a bit unkind. He is allowed to have an opinion about the shower for your home without you sulking. He is allowed to reply to "How did you sleep?" with a succinct answer, that was neither rude nor disrespectful.

I'm not having a go at you here- It's ok to split up for whatever reasons you want. But it's better at this point to accept him as he is, whether he's annoying to you or not, because you won't be together for long anyway. It doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong.

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:38

The examples are endless. I'm not really trying to ascribe blame. But we both agree we can't live like this. He said he wanted to 'Blow his brains out' yesterday.

He's a lawyer. His job is to argue and I just do not have the energy for it anymore.

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TammyJones · 26/08/2023 08:38

Agree with pp.
if my dh said
'Well I fell asleep'
I would pick up on this as he didn't have a very good sleep.
I would be concerned and probably say
'Oh dear - not good then ...how come ?'

I wouldn't pull a face (and I can do - my expression can say a thousand words sometimes and not always good)

Does he just simply 'irritate the life out of you'?

lljkk · 26/08/2023 08:39

I wonder if OP wants a lot more emotional connection and that's why she feels frustrated. The problem isn't showers or sleep queries, it's that she doesn't get a nice dopamine 'you care about me' feeling from any interaction.

And now maybe OP just wants hand-holding not practical advice.

Why are you terrified, OP? People get divorced all the time, they make it work out ok. You'll have to learn how but you can do that. What scares you about it?

SataumaMeddler · 26/08/2023 08:39

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:19

We just cannot seem to communicate. He said 'that wasn't me saying no, you could have disagreed'. We have 2 incredibly demanding children, everything is done on a real timer of how long we can keep them amused for, I just didn't have the energy to argue about it. He said I could choose, it was obvious I wanted the bigger one as I'd said so.

It's just all so unbelievably exhausting.

My marriage was like this. I didn't realise how much it ground me down until I was out and living on my own! It's so absolutely draining to live like that!

Zanatdy · 26/08/2023 08:41

Obviously all these examples are just tiny parts of a marriage that’s been on the rocks for a while. That’s how you become when you’re not enjoying being with that person. Bickering, childish arguments. It’s going to be tough at first, but it will all work out. Life is definitely too short to live like this

UndercoverCop · 26/08/2023 08:42

@GoodVibesHere and neither is she. When we replaced our shower I wanted a bigger one, DH said he likes the smaller ones as he likes the pressure for washing and getting product out of his hair, we got a dual shower that has both, but it required both of us to have a conversation.
So when the OPs husband said the smaller one is fine, in her shoes I would've said what do you like about the smaller one/don't like about the bigger one, and maybe reminded him that he'd said he didn't care and it was my choice, not just get the smaller one and make a sulky comment about it later, that's passive aggressive. Neither is covering themselves in glory.

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:45

lljkk · 26/08/2023 08:39

I wonder if OP wants a lot more emotional connection and that's why she feels frustrated. The problem isn't showers or sleep queries, it's that she doesn't get a nice dopamine 'you care about me' feeling from any interaction.

And now maybe OP just wants hand-holding not practical advice.

Why are you terrified, OP? People get divorced all the time, they make it work out ok. You'll have to learn how but you can do that. What scares you about it?

Interestingly our last counselling bout was about this. Him trying to focus on emotional response rather than right or wrong.

The house we live in was his choice. I didn't want to move but it was important to him. The day we moved he said 'thank you for coming with me on this. I do really appreciate you wouldn't be doing this by choice'.

I guess I just wanted a 'sure, go with the bigger one' or a 'I think it's uncessary but I said you could choose so go for it'

You're totally right about the emotional response.

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Epidote · 26/08/2023 08:54

Saying "he have chosen the most boring shower" is not a great wording but I get what you mean because my ex partner was like that. He never make a decision and after acuse me of not consulting him when I use to wait for him days on daily stuff and his answer was always what you want.

It doesn't matter what you do or say because he will twist it.

Good luck and you will start to feel better soon. I worked for me and fell much lighter now.

weekfour · 26/08/2023 08:56

Gosh, you're getting a tough time OP. I think it's shit and really scary for you. You're not the first to navigate this and you'll survive, day by day.

Is he going to move out or are you not at that point yet? That's an exhausting convo to have.

Original poster

DueyCheatemAndHow · 26/08/2023 08:58

We all have to sell the house so we haven't got to that bit yet.

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