We have agreed to separate

[DueyCheatemAndHow]

I'm absolutely devastated. The relationship isn't working. We've had 2 rounds of couples counselling. We've been together 15 years, we have 2 young children.

I'm terrified, upset, my whole world is coming crashing down around me.

Don't waste energy picking over the bones now OP, especially not on here where there are always those who like to kick a woman when she's down. Try to take emotion out of it and focus on the future - the immediate practicalities to start with. Who will move out? Do you need to get the house valued and sold? What about custody of the DC? CMS? Do you have emotional/practical support around you?

Yes it's scary and heartbreaking, but you'll be so much happier once the dust has settled. Sounds like you've been in emotional turmoil for a long time in your marriage, which is exhausting, so time to get some clarity and redirect that energy. Good luck.

As of this month I have no job so I'm going to have to work out how I navigate that. DH earns very well.

Im terrified.

I agree that good communication is the key- absolutely crucial. For whatever reason the op and her husband haven’t achieved this. May he just doesn’t listen or maybe she doesn’t speak up.

@DueyCheatemAndHow

As of this month I have no job so I'm going to have to work out how I navigate that. DH earns very well.

Im terrified.

^^^^
This could be a problem then.
Are you happy to go into rental and live off maintenance and universal credit?
I'm very practical mind and when I divorced was able to put a deposit down on a very modest home.
I got maintenance , I worked and got topped up with universal credit.
This mean I did everything including sorting out paid child care.
For a while I was on about £1 an hour after childcare.
It was not my idea ti divorce but I made the best of it.
Happily married now but you have got to plan if this is what you really want and your marriage is totally unsalvageable.

From the examples you’ve given, it does sound as if it may be that the main issue if your side.
you don’t need to inject emotion into a non emotional issue.
have you considered separate counselling?

if you’ve just lost your job, I’d wait until you’re more settled.

Christ some of the people on this thread are as obtuse as op's husband.

She's obviously tired of the constant bickering and antagonism.

You don't have to defend yourself online as well as to your husband op. I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be scary - you will be ok.

Seems to me that you both need to go right back to the beginning and (if you REALLY want to try save the relationship) remember what brought you together. What you liked about each other, how you connected and start from there. Then start dating and finding time to remember that at one point you fancied the pants off each other and dare i say it were in love. Once you get into the rut of bickering and young children and chore after chore it can seem impossible to get out of. Even the counselling and attempts to communicate better can end up in one up man-ship and trying to prove that each other is the one being unreasonable.

Thank you everyone.

I had to give up my job because the commute from the new house was too punishing

I so want hope. But I'm so exhausted.

@TammyJones thank you. I'm sorry you went through that.

DH earns about 330k a year, house is worth about 1.3m. I'll do whatever I need to.

My husband does this. We'll be out for a walk or visiting a national park and he'll say which way do you want to go. I'll say let's go left and he'll say I think the right hand path is best. So off we go to the right.

I do sometimes challenge him and say why ask me if you're going to do the opposite? He doesn't have an answer but always offers to change direction.

I sometimes play a little game in my head and when he does this, I note whether he chooses the opposite to what I've just opined.
And he usually does.

So he says she can choose whatever she likes. She does. He vetos it.

How does that make the OP a brat?

(BTW this is Relationships, not AIBU, in case you hadn't noticed)

@Nanny0gg I didn't say she was, I said he called her one

OP, of course it is scary and a shock, but you will be ok.

What age are the children?

Think carefully about work and where you will live.

Reach out for support and get good legal advice.

Get paperwork together.

Yesterday we had a day out with the kids. It was lovely.
DH said he doesn't know what he wants. We had - as we usually do - a very productive, mature, insightful discussion about what happened over the shower

But I know it will happen again, at some point. Its a nightmare.

@DueyCheatemAndHow this is a personality clash that can happen after quite a few years- - when you first meet someone it's easy to admire that they are intelligent and have opinions on everything, like debating, like arguing etc - it took me a long time to realise that basically this was all fine and dandy so long as you continued to bow down to their superior intellect and knew your place. Many men like this say they aren't like that- but so many actually are and are constantly dissatisfied people who expect you to just go along with their choices on things and then take life being a bit non perfect out on their partner.

It sounds emotionally exhausting. If living together is this tough then living apart will be easier. You need to get a good lawyer. Is there much equity in the house? Ask to pension share if you stayed home to look after kids or couldn't commute due to distance to work. You do need to agree on who children live with so either shared time or one parent takes on more childcare responsibly and the other parent effectively pays them to do it.

This sounds very like us. He never listens to me, constantly queries and mashed me feel I'm in the wrong. Been a while but he says to me that's just how marriages are.

Me and my ex were like this. It was like we spoke different languages. We communicated differently and eventually every single thing was taken the wrong way. It was exhausting and then we couldn't bother to argue any longer. Marriage counselling helped for a little while. And then it didn't. Went back to the same place. It's sad when you want it to work when it doesn't but I found that it was just putting off the inevitable. After the sadness subsided, it was actually a relief, was no longer on eggshells and didn't have to have power struggles over everything.

Yeah. Been there too. Ask for your opinion but don't know which one themselves but just don't want you to make the decision. With him it was a power thing. Just found it bloody irritating.

Se I don't THINK it is a power thing. I think he just works on a more thought based plane while I'm more emotional.

Thinking about not being with him breaks my heart. But then the shit hits the fan - always totally out of the blue - and we are back where we started.

How are things now? Have you decided to split or holding out to see if things improve. Hope you're OK.

Thank you for asking. I really appreciate it. It's so up and down. He's so understanding and insightful after the event but during it it's just awful. He played a game online (no money involved) just as I was trying to sort the dogs bed and get our toddler up for a nap. I asked for help, i got 'I've started the game so I'll finish it'. Apparently the dog bed didn't need doing immediately so I created the stress. Probably true. But it all just feels so nasty. I'm so tired of crying. The next day he was up with our son and I got up and DH hadn't done anything to get him ready for school. I said 'we need to leave in 40 mins'. DH apologised straight up, said he'd dropped the ball, I said no worries we can catch up.

I never know which version I'm going to get. I feel like I'm going mad.

I had a husband who loved me, yet was often derogatory and controlling. I never felt cherished, just controlled. When I finally ended it, I suddenly experienced an incredible freedom, to be in charge of myself and, frankly, out from under. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, but the constant struggling was a killer.
I was fine.😀
You'll be okay OP.