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Original poster

Why is he a much better partner now?

47 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 25/08/2023 23:30

I broke up with the father of my kids 2 years ago. We had been together for over 17 years. He moved on very quickly and moved in with his girlfriend in under a year ( I think they had gotten together before we split, but will never know for sure). I've met someone else too but am nowhere near the moving in stage and to be honest, am not sure I ever want to live with someone else again.
What upsets me is that my 12 year old daughter often tells me how much better her father treats his current girlfriend than how he treated me. He is generally much better humoured (he was often angry and argumentative when we lived together), cooks and cleans, which he rarely did and does things like collect her from the airport according to my daughter. All in all it sounds like he makes so much more effort. I wish she wouldn't make these comments and I know she's not saying it to upset me (it actually upsets her too!) but it does.
I just wonder why he is prepared to make such an effort to please his girlfriend when he never did that for me or his family when we were together?

OP posts:
TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 25/08/2023 23:34

My ex husband did the same.. l think it's the personality of his then new partner... she is more assertive than me and also more loud and bossy. I'm placid and gentle and soft and a pleaser.. she's not.. People adjust to the personality of the people they are with.. they usually take on different hobbies and interests to suit their next partner to have more things in common etc.

thecatinthetwat · 25/08/2023 23:36

Maybe he learnt from his mistakes, or maybe he’ll go down hill. He must have been ok at the start when you got together Op, otherwise you wouldn’t have been with him. He’ll probably get worse.

MrsFiddle · 25/08/2023 23:36

Some people just clash and don't work well together. Perhaps he has learnt from his previous mistakes? It's not anything about you - it is about them. Try not to let it bother you.

PosterBoy · 25/08/2023 23:37

So you decided to have kids with someone who treated you terribly?
Are you sure you haven't just forgotten the first year when he was nice enough for you to decide to stay with him?

Honeyroar · 25/08/2023 23:40

I think it’s probably just that he’s a better match with her than he was with her. I think that about my ex. He and the girl he cheated on me with, and married, probably have a lot more in common. I do with my now husband too. My ex and I were ok for a while, but we weren’t quite right.

category12 · 25/08/2023 23:40

Yeah, was going to say the same thing - if they're only been together a couple of years, it's still the honeymoon period for them, and I'd assume the early part of your relationship with him was similar?

BananaSlug · 25/08/2023 23:43

You will have loads of people telling you he will do the same with her but I disagree. Some people just bring out better / worse sides of people. You obviously stayed with him a long time and had kids with him so he couldn’t have been that bad?

Original poster
AreWeThereYet69 · 25/08/2023 23:49

@BananaSlug we had some great times but he was often a complete shit to me especially during lockdown. I think he held on to a lot of resentments that built up over the years. Thing is, I know the girlfriend. Without wanting to sound bitchy she's really not all that on any level!
But yes, I guess they're a better combo and he's copped on.
I know I'm much better off without him, it just smarts a little

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 25/08/2023 23:52

Well you might not think much of her but he does. They’re a better fit, that’s just what happens sometimes. People are nicer to people they don’t resent.

SammyScrounge · 26/08/2023 00:51

OP, your ex is still in the honeymoon period. That bubble will burst sooner or later. Selfishness in his character is there for life.

JFDIYOLO · 26/08/2023 01:13

He likes her better?
She is less assertive / easier going / has fewer expectations than you so he feels more relaxed?
He's older and wiser and remembers his mistakes and is trying not to repeat them?
He's in the honeymoon period and it will wear off?
He's happier now?
They have more in common?
Their sense of humour / sex drive / wants and drivers / values are more aligned?
Who knows. What did you want to hear??

RantyAnty · 26/08/2023 02:51

He was probably fairly nice to you 17 years ago.

He'll likely be shit to her in 15 years too.

Britneyfan · 26/08/2023 03:01

I’m also in the camp of “ask your daughter again after they’ve been together 17 years (if they last that long) and let’s see how well he is treating her then. Could also be he has learned from his mistakes with you and is simply older and wiser and not wanting to repeat the same mistakes. But I agree with a pp who says selfishness is a character trait that doesn’t change overnight. You also don’t know what they’re like when your daughter isn’t around, he may be on his best behaviour then so that exactly this gets back to you 1. to reassure you it’s a stable safe place for your child and 2. to upset you. I think it’s a bit unhelpful (and tactless) of people on here to be saying “he likes her more than you”. He obviously liked you well enough to be with you for 17 years and have a child together.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 03:52

JFDIYOLO · 26/08/2023 01:13

He likes her better?
She is less assertive / easier going / has fewer expectations than you so he feels more relaxed?
He's older and wiser and remembers his mistakes and is trying not to repeat them?
He's in the honeymoon period and it will wear off?
He's happier now?
They have more in common?
Their sense of humour / sex drive / wants and drivers / values are more aligned?
Who knows. What did you want to hear??

Sure op rant if you want but all this!

If you want actual answers not sure what you are expecting? But if just ranting sure go ahead

Honeychickpea · 26/08/2023 04:03

AreWeThereYet69 · 25/08/2023 23:30

I broke up with the father of my kids 2 years ago. We had been together for over 17 years. He moved on very quickly and moved in with his girlfriend in under a year ( I think they had gotten together before we split, but will never know for sure). I've met someone else too but am nowhere near the moving in stage and to be honest, am not sure I ever want to live with someone else again.
What upsets me is that my 12 year old daughter often tells me how much better her father treats his current girlfriend than how he treated me. He is generally much better humoured (he was often angry and argumentative when we lived together), cooks and cleans, which he rarely did and does things like collect her from the airport according to my daughter. All in all it sounds like he makes so much more effort. I wish she wouldn't make these comments and I know she's not saying it to upset me (it actually upsets her too!) but it does.
I just wonder why he is prepared to make such an effort to please his girlfriend when he never did that for me or his family when we were together?

You weren't suited. Get over it.

Lovethatforyou · 26/08/2023 04:13

OP you’re getting a pretty rough ride on this thread.

it must hurt to know that your ex partner treats someone much better than they treated you.

inthink this is definitely the honeymoon period. But if someone is an unpleasant shit they will reveal themselves eventually.

CurlewKate · 26/08/2023 04:34

@AreWeThereYet69
He's on his best behaviour in front of your dd. People don't change.

SeagullSong · 26/08/2023 04:58

God, someone sounded the arsehole klaxon tonight, sorry you're getting so many harsh replies. It must be hard, but it shows that he chose to be uncaring and unhelpful towards you rather than not understanding what is required to be a good partner. So he's an arse and you're well rid.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2023 08:03

They're not harsh replies. They're actually quite honest.

I expected to read the usual 'he's an abuser', 'I pity her', 'he's a prick comments.

All of that might be true but the reality is more likely ro be found is the replies on this thread.

barbarahunter · 26/08/2023 08:03

If he is not much of a partner anyway, perhaps he realises that he may not be able to attract anyone else in the future, so she's his kind of 'last chance saloon'. As others have said, anyone can be ok for the first few years. I don't personally believe that leopards change their spots. Move on and be happy without his dead weight moods dragging you down.

barbarahunter · 26/08/2023 08:04

And yes, there's some nasty harsh replies on this thread.

Laburnam · 26/08/2023 08:11

People do change my brother is in his 2nd marriage and he helps around the house, more hands on with his children, has better communication and they are genuinely happy as a couple. He has been remarried for 14 years so definitely not in the honeymoon period.
i think maturity has a lot to do with it

Pabbit · 26/08/2023 08:12

It could be a number of things, perhaps they just get on better though, that happens.

DrMorbius · 26/08/2023 08:16

Sometimes people end up in a relationship that doesn't really mean that much to them. They have the power, (so to speak), because they don't have too much to lose. So they act accordingly.

Then they find a relationship that they really want. In this relationship they have to "step up", as more is expected of them (to stay in the relationship).
In the first example they are with someone below their level. Whereas in the second the are punching above themselves. Hence the sea change in behaviour.

JFDIYOLO · 26/08/2023 08:31

It's likely he probably learned better and grew up.