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Relationships

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Original poster

Why is he a much better partner now?

47 replies

AreWeThereYet69 · 25/08/2023 23:30

I broke up with the father of my kids 2 years ago. We had been together for over 17 years. He moved on very quickly and moved in with his girlfriend in under a year ( I think they had gotten together before we split, but will never know for sure). I've met someone else too but am nowhere near the moving in stage and to be honest, am not sure I ever want to live with someone else again.
What upsets me is that my 12 year old daughter often tells me how much better her father treats his current girlfriend than how he treated me. He is generally much better humoured (he was often angry and argumentative when we lived together), cooks and cleans, which he rarely did and does things like collect her from the airport according to my daughter. All in all it sounds like he makes so much more effort. I wish she wouldn't make these comments and I know she's not saying it to upset me (it actually upsets her too!) but it does.
I just wonder why he is prepared to make such an effort to please his girlfriend when he never did that for me or his family when we were together?

OP posts:

Andthereyougo · 26/08/2023 09:24

I think it’s just different mix, different chemistry.
Friend and her DH divorced. She’s the most laid back person imaginable, couldn’t start an argument if she tried, placid is her middle name etc… Her ex married a very strong minded, feisty woman, strong personality. According to her dc they argue a lot yet their marriage has so far outlasted hers. 🤷‍♀️

Hopinghonestly · 26/08/2023 09:28

It was 17 years ago you got together...im so different from even 3 years ago after going through different life events. He may have just finally matured.

Rather then feeling bad, think it was you that got him where he is today and directed him to being a better person. If he hadnt been with you, he would of never learned how to be a decent human and probably be in a mess right now and never learned from mistakes.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 09:50

CurlewKate · 26/08/2023 04:34

@AreWeThereYet69
He's on his best behaviour in front of your dd. People don't change.

I am not the same person I was 20 years ago

Watchkeys · 26/08/2023 09:53

You're basically saying that he fits better with someone who isn't 'all that', and taking it as a knock to your ego.

Think about it. It's an insult to him, and a compliment to you, isn't it?

Rainbowqueeen · 26/08/2023 10:03

People change.

But so do circumstances. You had DC with him and all the stresses that they bring. That might have something to do with it.

Hmindr68 · 26/08/2023 10:24

Watchkeys · 26/08/2023 09:53

You're basically saying that he fits better with someone who isn't 'all that', and taking it as a knock to your ego.

Think about it. It's an insult to him, and a compliment to you, isn't it?

Lol, put like that, it is nooooo way a compliment.

Duckingella · 26/08/2023 10:35

RantyAnty · 26/08/2023 02:51

He was probably fairly nice to you 17 years ago.

He'll likely be shit to her in 15 years too.

This with bells on

Life is probably easier when he doesn't have to be the resident parent either.

Aworldofwonder · 26/08/2023 10:37

I can possibly offer some insight from the other side as I am wife two and I believe I get treated far better.

We came into the relationship older and with clearer expectations and ability to voice them. He has suffered real consequences and is determined not to be living apart from his family again. We have a deeper connection.

However it is not all a bed of roses. Perhaps his daughter is only seeing a snapshot of what's really going on. My DH is at his happiest when his kids are around and that has a very positive impact.

Darhon · 26/08/2023 10:48

I do think different dynamics can impact. I think my current partner is more settled and happier with me than with their ex. My ex, who I was with for years, and who I had a great relationship with for many of those, before they became an angry man, has seemingly remained angry with his partners since with split. This is from what the kids have observed to me.

So I’ve seen it go both ways. That said the honeymoon period is still to expire. Plus, I assume he has kids free time with her which can make life feel less stressful

PaintedEgg · 26/08/2023 11:22

being older / wiser, not repeating the same mistakes, being in a honeymoon period or simply that they are better match for each other...in any case it does not reflect badly on you or even him. His new partner is a whole different person so their relationship is bound to be different

I've had some thoughts few years ago but from the other side of the fence. I think my ex could have similar complaints that I treat my husband much better than I ever treated him. He'd be absolutely right, but there is a lot of reasons for it...most of which boils down to the compatibility or lack of it

Disturbia81 · 26/08/2023 11:46

The harsh replies will be from second wives who feel like they won 😆

Saraooo · 26/08/2023 11:57

The dynamics of ever relationship are different. Maybe the new GF brings out the best in him?

Littlemissalone · 26/08/2023 12:04

Loads of reasons. A fresh start, a willingness to change, maturity, learnt from mistakes, etc.

Just be glad you're not with someone who was capable of his behaviour, even if he has changed now, he still did it.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 12:07

Disturbia81 · 26/08/2023 11:46

The harsh replies will be from second wives who feel like they won 😆

People complain how bad men are but they like to win them

FreeRider · 26/08/2023 12:11

I'm experiencing this with my ex husband too.

We've been split up 14 years now, he's been with his girlfriend for about 12 years .... and like your post, he now does everything for/with her that I used to literally beg him to do when we were together, but he always refused to.

Small things like:
Getting a takeaway occasionally - I used to get yelled at: "We have decent food in the fridge/cupboards, I'm not wasting money on crap!"

To larger things like:
Getting a car - I was told "It will spend all week in the car park and the insurance will be too expensive!" I now have to listen him banging on about all the great day trips they have all year around. All I can think about is all the miserable hot days we spent stuck in our flat because he'd refuse to go anywhere by public transport during the school holidays (we didn't/don't have kids).

Turning up on time - one memorable day he was 4 hours late, he was never less than 30 minutes late for anything the whole 15 years we were together...I even had his mother ring up one Christmas Day and yell at me because he was late for lunch...he'd left my flat 3 hours earlier! (He'd met his friends in a pub halfway between his parents and mine and was there).

Anyway this post is already far too long, but I do feel your pain. My reasoning is that he actually 'grew up' after I left him. Also that he had to actively pursue his girlfriend whereas we met when we were working together and just 'fell' into a relationship...I did most of the running, I'll admit, and if I hadn't I doubt it would have happened. His girlfriend also made it clear from the start she wouldn't put up with any of the shit I did (good for her). When I'm feeling most cynical about it all I also say that he actually loves his girlfriend and didn't love me.

GreyCarpet · 26/08/2023 12:15

Disturbia81 · 26/08/2023 11:46

The harsh replies will be from second wives who feel like they won 😆

Not necessarily.

My exh was a dick to me. He's not a dick to his second wife.

I mean, he hasn't actually changed all that much. He's probably matured quite a bit and he had therapy after we split up and did apologise for some of his more dickish behaviour.

But the bottom line is that he's just with someone now who is a better match for him than I was 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not really sure why anyone would think that was harsh tbh. It's no reflection on me, him or her personally. It's just a statement of fact.

PaintedEgg · 26/08/2023 12:30

Disturbia81 · 26/08/2023 11:46

The harsh replies will be from second wives who feel like they won 😆

what's harsh about saying that some people just click together better than others?

it's not the reflection on anyone involved.

For example, I will be a first one to admit I never held much respect for my ex's hobbies. Didn't stop him from enjoying those, but took no interest, thought they were stupid, and I thought less of him for engaging in those.

I absolutely respect and admire things my husband does in his free time, and I tell him I'm proud of him all the time.

The difference? I share my husband's interests, while it wasn't the case with my ex. Doesn't mean that his hobbies were actually bad or genuinely stupid though.

InBedBy10 · 26/08/2023 12:34

Some people stay far too long in relationships that they're not happy in and over time start to recent their partners. Even though its not their partners fault they don't have the balls to leave.

Some people accept being treated like shit for far too long because again they don't have the balls to leave.

Alot of people are afraid of being single which leads to alot of unhappy couples.

I think that's what happened with you OP. Your ex stayed in the relationship long after he stopped being happy in it. And you put up with way more shit than you should have.

As harsh as it sounds, he's happier with her. Maybe it will last, maybe it won't. But don't see it as a knock to you. Most of us have been there or will be there at some point in our lives.

FlamingYam · 26/08/2023 12:35

I have a friend who did this. I don't think it's anything you did or didn't do. I think the reasons are

1.they just work better together, their personalities work around each other.
2.he's matured and realises he needs to put the effort it. It's just the right time.
3.the new lady is more assertive but again, he has to be willing
4.there was resentment towards you because he wanted to leave but couldn't or didn't. His fault not yours.

Shapemyeyebrows · 26/08/2023 18:44

I think it can be a variety of things such is learning from past mistakes/ being older now/ life experience. If he had been with you for 17 years and things had built up over the years it’s probably hard to want to make the effort when you have years of resentment. He won’t have that with his new partner as it’s still new ish so it will be easier for him to be nicer to her. I also think some women have lower expectations than others so maybe she doesn’t pull him up on things you would have meaning they argue less. You usually find though that people don’t really change and he will still be the same person and do the same types of things. He may tweak himself in this new relationships but I can imagine in a few years time she will start seeing more of the negative side that you had to deal with.

perfectcolourfound · 26/08/2023 18:58

I have a friend who treats wife 2 very different to wife 1. He isn't / wasn't abusive or anything. Just realised quite quickly he shouldn't have married wife 1. They never really worked, their personailities clashed, resentment grew on both sides.

They split. He met wife 2. He's the most devoted husband (and they are well past the honeymoon stage, a couple of decades in), caring, patient, supportive. He admits he wasn't a great husband for wife 1 for the reasons above (and she admits she wasn't the best wife either).

Neither of them are bad people. They were just with the wrong person.

SgtPercyTwentyman · 26/08/2023 22:38

TinkerbellefromYorkshire · 25/08/2023 23:34

My ex husband did the same.. l think it's the personality of his then new partner... she is more assertive than me and also more loud and bossy. I'm placid and gentle and soft and a pleaser.. she's not.. People adjust to the personality of the people they are with.. they usually take on different hobbies and interests to suit their next partner to have more things in common etc.

From seeing my FIL who also did this I agree with you. My MIL is a lovely woman but not one to stand up for herself.

FIL's new wife (ex-OW) knows her own mind and makes damn sure other people know it too.

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