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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I should tell...

40 replies

Astrella · 25/08/2023 21:43

New account because I'm genuinely conflicted because I think I should do something, but I also really don't want to get myself into trouble.

I hadn't seen my ex in ages and I was in a good place, but spotted him out earlier today and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. New woman, and her little dd walking between them holding both of their hands.

This man made my life hell, eroded all of my self worth and self esteem, and then dumped me without explanation because he had moved on. I foolishly went along all of it, and allowed things to happen, and it was so, so hard to accept this and move on. It took me 2 years to get over him, and to forgive myself for having allowed someone to treat me this way.

I checked his social media feed, and found hers, and they are definitely a couple, and I am very sure the child is hers. I know that some people will think that I am mental, but I feel so bad knowing that she might not have any idea how horrible he really is behind that nice smile. And the little girl in the mix :(

I really feel like I should tell her, but I am so afraid of the repercussions. The last thing I want is for him to get back into my life because I can't do this again. But I can't stop thinking of the girl and her mom, and how unfair this all is.

I don't know why I wrote this because I didn't ask a question.

OP posts:

DustyLee123 · 25/08/2023 21:45

She’ll just think you’re jealous, or bonkers, or both. Don’t bother. Just be glad you’re rid of him, and move on.

Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2023 22:30

People would say don't get involved but I think I'd feel the same as you, especially seen as she has a kid. Some things... shouldn't be allowed to stand.

I'd send her a message personally. I'd detail some of the things he did and finish with the fact that she might think you're nuts but you couldn't just say nothing, seen as she had a kid. That you won't contact her again but thought she aught to know. 'Stay safe'.

Actually, you could just link her to your post here even, if you haven't posted prior things under the same username that you want to keep private that is.

Is it a mistake? Maybe. Will she believe you? Maybe not...at least, initially. But I think its the right thing to do personally. I don't think we should be cowards against these men. If we are, they win.

That being said, you need to be aware it could cause him to cause issues for you.

Tbh...the nest thing to do would be, to message her anonymously and say something like 'Just a heads up- the man you are dating is dangerous. Please read up on narcissistic abuse. Stay safe'.

BananaSlug · 25/08/2023 22:31

Move on..:

PandorasBox10 · 25/08/2023 22:45

It must have hurt to see that . If you truly loved someone, it’s very tough to see them move on without you. You can send a message if you think you’d be doing good. Make sure there’s absolutely no link between this message and you, you want to keep repercussions for yourself here to a minimum. However, she will probably chalk it down to you being a jealous ex. He will create fake stories to make you fit the narrative, and they’ll probably move on further together til maybe he dumps her too.

Bigbowpeep · 25/08/2023 22:47

Just feel sorry for her because she'll soon find out what he's really like, and be glad you aren't in her shoes.

Original poster

Astrella · 25/08/2023 23:33

I really don't want to get involved or sucked into it. But he was horrid enough while we were together and jealous of everything (like my pet). And claiming all sorts of excuses for getting angry whenever he didn't like something. "I'm really noise sensitive" was one of them.

OP posts:

SunflowerTed · 26/08/2023 05:05

It’s really none of your business and she won’t thank you for it

ginislife · 26/08/2023 06:14

But he might not be like that with her....he might have changed......he may have learned. I really don't think you should say anything. It's not going to end well for you. It will cause more pain and for what end. Move on and let her find out for herself if he's still an arse

MissBabz · 26/08/2023 06:45

If she found you and asked about your relationship then fair enough to being completely honest because she'd be highly likely to believe you and looking for reassurance it wasn't just her.

At the moment they are probably in the honeymoon phase and she won't believe you and might tell him and it's very hard to prove you aren't bitter and jealous.

I was in an abusive relationship and was told all about'crazy' ex's i even found some of them on Facebook when things started to go wrong and nearly messaged them to ask but my friend said if you are even considering doing that that's all the evidence you need this is not ok.

Possibly if I'd have had a random message I wouldn't have listened at the time but later on it might have given me further validation it wasn't just me and I might have left earlier.

But really your priority is looking after yourself x

pilates · 26/08/2023 06:51

I know you would want to do it from a good place but it will just be seen as you are a jealous ex. Really no good will come of it.

MissBabz · 26/08/2023 06:53

Just to add there is a difference to someone being not very nice and a bit of a knob and someone being actually abusive.
If it's the former I wouldn't say anything she might never see that side of him or not be very nice etc herself.

If it's the latter I'd maybe send a very carefully written message saying 'I appreciate you may never want to take me up on this but if you ever want to reach out I'm happy to talk'

It leaves her with the option without making accusations that could get you in trouble.

NeverAloneNeverAgain · 26/08/2023 07:06

I think I'm going against the grain but you don't know that this other woman is experiencing what you did. Sometimes people aren't compatible and it brings out the worst in us. He may have learnt from whatever behaviour he displayed with you and moved on/got help. My relationship with an ex was horrific. He's happily married now and has been for over 10yrs yrs and to my knowledge they don't have the same issues we did - he's the father to my 18yr old so there's always been some level of contact/involvement after we separated.

It sounds like your better off out of the situation and need to heal and look after you following your experience with him. Don't invite that back into your life. It may come from a good place but its not likely to be well received or actually change anything. If this is a new relationship and they're still in the honeymoon phase shes unlikely to believe you - would you have believed an ex at the start when everything is all roses and sunshine?

We can only see through our own eyes. Your evidence base tells you he's going to cause problems. Let her make her own mind up. If she seeks you out and asks then I suppose that's different but for now focus on you and find someone who deserves you and will treat you right.

pinkdelight · 26/08/2023 07:24

I wouldn't have anything to do with them. Imagine if he saw you with a new partner and messaged to warn him about what he perceived to be your bad points. Exes are exes for a reason and it's a given that something went wrong. It's usually more complicated than one person being the bad guy. Which isn't to deny or minimise your experience, it sounds awful, but it was your experience and his take will be different and who is she going to listen to? If it was a matter for Claire's Law then I'd absolutely find a way to warn her to do her research but even then it wouldn't be easy not to come off as jealous. All you can do is take care of yourself and getting enmeshed in his life again in any way doesn't sound like it will be good.

Daffodil18 · 26/08/2023 07:38

No I wouldn’t contact her because she will not believe you. It’s your word against his. Then your ex will contact you and you will be dragged into his horrible abuse again.

Somewhereovertherainbowweighapie · 26/08/2023 08:07

While it would be great to give her a heads up, all that will happen is she will show him the message and he will probably start harassing you. Let him forget that you exist.

Original poster

Astrella · 26/08/2023 08:34

Thanks all. I won’t say anything then. I don’t want him on my back because I know his angry side.

Just to clarify: he was absolutely abusive but I never reported him and just wanted to move on. I am also not jealous (it was years ago and he’s a person I don’t wish on anyone).

OP posts:

NotNowGertrude · 26/08/2023 08:39

You could speak to the police retrospectively & see this as your action to warn others indirectly

Calistano · 26/08/2023 08:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Astrella · 26/08/2023 08:43

NotNowGertrude · 26/08/2023 08:39

You could speak to the police retrospectively & see this as your action to warn others indirectly

Will he not be notified if I report him? Then he’ll be on my back too

OP posts:

Marineboy67 · 26/08/2023 08:46

I think your doing the right thing especially knowing how abusive he can be. You don't want anymore of that in your life. I'm sure you contacting her only comes from a point of care but at the risk of it backfiring its best to stand back. The poor lady he's with will or probably has experienced soon enough. Controlling bastards like him never change.

Hiddenvoice · 26/08/2023 08:49

I think for me it depends- if he was emotionally and physically abusive then I’d contact but if it was a case of not being treated right and then dumped out of the blue then I’d leave it.

If you were harmed in anyway then please report to the police. He will be notified as he may be questioned.

My worry is contacting her, she will of course ask him and he will tell the story of you being a crazy ex girlfriend.

TammyJones · 26/08/2023 08:55

@ginislife

THIS

you must know people are different with different people.

My first love like a drink.
I did not.

We split up and years later he's married to someone else.
And guess what?
She likes a drink too (they aren't alcoholic by the way)

My point is it all about compatibility.

And absolutely do not contact her.
It isn't any of your business.

If one of my dh's ex had contacted me and made a list of his faults
I'd have thought she was jealous and deranged.

I have almost 30 years to find them all out for myself.

We all have faults , but we grow, and change- either together or a part.

It is not healthy to try and break up your ex's relationship- in-fact it's quite mean.

Please move on and work on your own relationships.

Original poster

Astrella · 26/08/2023 08:57

Hiddenvoice · 26/08/2023 08:49

I think for me it depends- if he was emotionally and physically abusive then I’d contact but if it was a case of not being treated right and then dumped out of the blue then I’d leave it.

If you were harmed in anyway then please report to the police. He will be notified as he may be questioned.

My worry is contacting her, she will of course ask him and he will tell the story of you being a crazy ex girlfriend.

He really was abusive but it was so gradual that I somehow didn’t notice it really and kept wondering if I was going crazy. Like he pushed my head under water when I was in the bathtub (he had been in mood) but then kept insisting that it had been a joke , asking if I was really scared of water. I always questioned myself and if it was my fault for making him angry. It really just became clear to me when I sought counselling after the relationship.

I’ll think about the police

OP posts:

Hiddenvoice · 26/08/2023 09:06

He sounds awful and I fully understand your worry for the new girlfriend and her dd.

Take a little time to think about the police but it’s the right thing to do. You could also speak to womensaid and get more advice.

Solonomi · 26/08/2023 09:13

By getting involved you are risking all the hard work you’ve done to heal after the abuse being eroded. You’ll be putting yourself back - my ex was abusive and with someone new and I was tempted to do the same, but I realised that my peace of mind and recovery was worth more than getting involved.

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