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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I should tell...

40 replies

Astrella · 25/08/2023 21:43

New account because I'm genuinely conflicted because I think I should do something, but I also really don't want to get myself into trouble.

I hadn't seen my ex in ages and I was in a good place, but spotted him out earlier today and I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. New woman, and her little dd walking between them holding both of their hands.

This man made my life hell, eroded all of my self worth and self esteem, and then dumped me without explanation because he had moved on. I foolishly went along all of it, and allowed things to happen, and it was so, so hard to accept this and move on. It took me 2 years to get over him, and to forgive myself for having allowed someone to treat me this way.

I checked his social media feed, and found hers, and they are definitely a couple, and I am very sure the child is hers. I know that some people will think that I am mental, but I feel so bad knowing that she might not have any idea how horrible he really is behind that nice smile. And the little girl in the mix :(

I really feel like I should tell her, but I am so afraid of the repercussions. The last thing I want is for him to get back into my life because I can't do this again. But I can't stop thinking of the girl and her mom, and how unfair this all is.

I don't know why I wrote this because I didn't ask a question.

OP posts:

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 26/08/2023 09:13

I don’t know what you think the police are supposed to do! Do you have documented evidence for what will be seen as your ‘allegations’? If not, why should they believe you?

before everyone shouts at me, of course I am not condoning his behaviour, merely pointing out that we are lucky enough to live ( on the whole) under the rule of law, and people cannot be condemned without unbiased evidence.

You need to try to let this experience pass.

Valerie23 · 26/08/2023 09:18

People are different with other people is what I have learnt. One of my husbands colleagues was a neglectful husband. Always off doing his own thing, sporting hobbies and holidays and didn't want children. After years of her being in the background he dumped her and very quickly found a new wife who he dotes on, had two children with her and is a devoted family man.

Whilst it may just you that he is different with her, that's sadly just how it is. For all you know he tried being horrible to her and she wouldn't tolerate that and he behaves himself with her.

Block them all on social media so you don't have to have any reminder of him.

TheAverageJoanne · 26/08/2023 09:20

How long has it been since you split and how old is the child? This indicates to me she's been in a less than worthwhile relationship with the child's father fairly recently if she's small and she's introduced some chap she's seeing fairly quickly. She's probably vulnerable and has issues of her own to jump into a relationship so fast and involve a small child.

Morewineplease10 · 26/08/2023 09:26

The bath incident is worrying.
No, the police won't tell him you've spoken to them. You could ring them to discuss first without formally reporting him.

It doesn't sound like you are jealous to me, just concerned. With the abuse building up gradually, that can be covert narcissism.

I think you're right to be concerned and would feel the same way.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Their support or advice might be more useful than some strangers on here suggesting you're 'jealous'. 🙄

TheAverageJoanne · 26/08/2023 09:31

Jealous my a*. Who would want him back having experienced what the OP has?

pinkdelight · 26/08/2023 10:25

Nobody is saying OP is jealous. They're saying it will read as jealousy and/or be passed off that way in classic 'crazy ex' terms.

You can't police this wanker's relationships for the rest of your life. Sorry for what you went through but her experience may be different and no good deed goes unpunished etc.

Original poster

Astrella · 26/08/2023 11:54

Thanks. I will leave them to it.
The girl looked about 5 and we split 3 years ago. Maybe he has changed though I doubt it.

OP posts:

Saraooo · 26/08/2023 11:56

People move on. You to too.

BananaSlug · 26/08/2023 11:58

Yes it’s time to leave it and move on and it’s odd you want to consider calling the police now after 3 years, this won’t look good on you. Time to move on. He will have other relationships you can stop him no one can be banned from having a relationship.

WandaWonder · 26/08/2023 12:01

So it's about you not her you are trying to make better

Move on like the mature grown up you are meant to be

Original poster

Astrella · 26/08/2023 12:08

How on earth is this about me?
The only reason I considered speaking up was because he was abusive, and I dread to think what he is like when a child is in the mix.
As I said I will leave them to it. Thanks to the people who answered in a helpful way

OP posts:

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 26/08/2023 14:19

She won't believe you. Unless he's a child abuser I wouldn't say anything. If he genuinely did anything abusive to you you can report it to police so it will be ok record if anyone does a Claire's law request. However, it sounds like he's a nasty guy who broke your heart, I would advise counseling for yourself and moving on x

SgtPercyTwentyman · 26/08/2023 22:33

You will come over as a batshit crazy stalker. Their relationship is none of your business plus you will undoubtedly re-open old wounds.

Move on. It's over and he's history OP.

Skyfallen · 28/08/2023 09:12

Hi, I’ve been with my partner for 12 yrs. he doesn’t really show me much attention and puts me down about my weight. I love him so much and don’t want to leave him. Last year I got some attention from a neighbour, this was all done through text. I was silly and sent pictures some thing I totally regret and wish I could turn the clocks back. I went away last weekend and a thought just popped in my head to blurt it out to what I have done. This is all I can think about and now keep thinking I need to tell him but this would ruin to many lives. My anxiety is through the roof and we go away again at the weekend and I don’t want to ruin anything as our son is coming with us aswell. I just feel so down and can’t seem to get it out of my head.

Motnight · 28/08/2023 09:16

Skyfallen · 28/08/2023 09:12

@Skyfallen you should start your own thread in order to get responses.

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