Sexless marriage, feeling trapped :-(

[carpediem1970]

My situation :
52 years old, married for 23 years. 2nd marriage. First marriage ended after 6 years. In retrospect, he was my soulmate and I have never truly got over the end of that relationship, but I was too young and immature to make it work.
Don’t love DH. I care about him as a family member, but don’t love him as a DH. Haven’t had sex with DH for 15 years. Last time was when our 14 year old son was conceived (we also have 19 year old daughter). Sex was never that great and it got less and less frequent over time. We just never got back into it after DS was born and it became the elephant in the room. Other than a good night peck, no other physical affection either. No cuddles, hand holding etc.
Miss sex and intimacy but don’t want it with DH. Don’t feel for him what a woman should feel for a DH – attraction, love, respect, friendship. We get along fine, never argue, have raised kids and had great family holidays together. I look at other couples and realise there is something drastically wrong. I have no desire to do things with him as a couple. We have little common interests. I have been unhappy for many years, but drifted along, with some years being better than others. Life isn’t terrible, you see. He is generally a kind man, but also a bit of a man child, drinks a lot and is lazy. Things got worse after Covid, when he was suddenly around all the time. I made the catastrophic mistake of giving up work when my DD was born and have been financially dependent ever since. I have stayed with him out of fear of being alone, and fear of making another mistake – like I did with the first marriage. And now I feel I am too old, even though I consider myself a young 52. Am trying to turn things around – about to start the 2nd year of a healthcare degree, so would be working in 2 years time. He has always been oblivious to my unhappiness, and yes, I realise that this should have been communicated years ago, but I feel that it is too late now and nothing he did would make a difference. If he was a bastard, it would be easier to leave - but he is not.
I have no idea where to even begin. I know his heart would be broken, could I do that to another person? DS about to start year 10 so in an important phase of school. And I have no money of my own at the moment. I feel so sad. I don’t even know what advice I am asking for on here, to be honest, I guess I just want to vent and know if anyone else has been in a similar situation. Thanks for reading.

I think you need to talk to your husband. He must clearly know it’s not a happy marriage if there’s no intimacy.

Yes your son starting a big year is important but it’s not the be all and end all. You and your husband can’t carry on like this.

Sorry but your post reads as if you don’t like your husband at all. As hard as things would be, it’s probably for the best to have an honest discussion with him and see how he feels.

Sorry you are feeling so sad, OP. I am also in a sexless relationship long term, so I know that feeling of missed intimacy but yet not wanting intimacy with the person you are with. For me, it has become enough to be a companion and we do hug and hold hands, but I reckon I have kind of been worn down and become inured to the situation, and it probably isn't very healthy!

I think it is fantastic that you are doing a qualification and ultimately getting some independence back, and I think this will do you a world of good. How does it feel to just take the pressure off yourself for now, and accept the relationship you are in until you are in a different place and can decide to make a change? Even knowing that you have a plan and that things can change can help alleviate the sadness.

I totally hear you on the "if he were a bastard..." thing. A friend said that to me years ago, it would have been better if my partner wasn't kind and loving (but kind of detached) as I would have left him and not stayed in relationship limbo.

Wishing you well x

As my user name suggests I am in somewhat similar situation, two kids, no sex or physical contact of any kind, no love, nothing in common anymore. However I am also the breadwinner and my husband has serious health issues. I have made the decision I am going to leave him but will encourage him to find work first before saying anything. Will also seek for legal advice to better understand where I stand financially. I think you should either speak with your husband and see if there's a way forward, surely he can't be happy in completely sexless marriage either? If you can't see a future with him perhaps is best to start taking actions now to ensure you can be financially independent as soon as possible? I suppose you may have to wait until you have finished your course and can find employment?

LTB

50s is a good time to leave. you will be fine, he will be fine. If you leave it much later you may struggle to work and build and independent life.

I would play the long game. I know others would think it’s awful but considering there’s no violence or abuse and you get along okay I’d get yourself a job, squirrel away some money and make a long term plan to leave. Your dc are old enough for you to get back into work now and then you’ll be in a better position to leave financially when they’re a bit older. That’s what I would do.

Unless you have some money behind you then it isn’t going to be easy. Would it not be better just sitting it out 2 more years and then when your son has done his GCSE’s and you may have a job. What’s another 2 years when you have done 15.

Can't help but wonder why you married DH. Did you ever love and fancy him?

Why did you never go back to work? Even 2 years ago when youngest was 12?

I’m in the same situation and I’m early 30s OP. I am sad for you and sad for myself knowing I will be where you are in 20 years.

For me the main reason to stay is unfortunately financial. There’s no way for me to support myself and the children and give them the life they’re used to without being with him.

Also partly fear of being alone - I’m not particularly successful or attractive so am not really a catch therefore unlikely to end up in a ‘better’ relationship anyway so why rock the boat? At the moment we are all content enough on most fronts so why upset everything for the sake of sex? I also worry that even if I did meet someone else I’d end up in the same situation with them in a few years anyway.

I hope you manage to find happiness OP however that looks for you and good luck with your studies.

PS sorry if I’ve posted twice. I wrote a reply then lost it.

I’d definitely hold out until your degree is completed and your son has finished year 11. You are still young and have time to build a new life but I’d want to do that once I’m in a slightly more financially stable position than you are at the moment. All the very best op.

Hi carpediem1970
My suggestion is, start to look for someone else you can have an emotional affair with (make sure there is sexual attraction) secretly build this affair with lots of secret messages and intimate details about your marriage and make sure you have at least 2 clandestine meetings a week. Then slowly start to nitpick your husband, show no appreciation for anything, and make sure what little you do for him you feel resentful about, don’t forget to point out how lazy he is ( he might be such a nice guy that he doesn’t realise that although you are not working someone is doing something to pay all the bills) In time your emotional detachment and lack of physical touch will make him so depressed he may become negative and even resort to having a drink. Meantime you can continue to get your needs met outside your marriage by someone you have revealed all your wants and desire to. If you carry on with this for some time, eventually your husband will be so badly broken that when you finally decide to leave you can be assured you were absolutely justified in your decision.

I find it interesting the person name “loyal to the death” is leading you into a secret relationship. And they are so called loyal…to death. Ask God for direction, if you are still in this bind spot. Truth is what you will need to free yourself from the trap the devil has you in. Marriage is a covenant ordained by God. I trust you believe in God, since you wedded. If not, it’s a great season to get to know Him. God gives us the right to divorce when the marriage covenant has been broken. Sex is not everything in a healthy marriage. People become ill, or unable to have physical relationships for numerous reasons. It’s not a reason to cut your marriage off. Your vow, “in sickness and in health, in good or bad,” are stated for good reasons, when one weds. These people responding are telling you what to do and the are still in their marriages. How funny that is. Your husband is no fool, he knows the marriage is weak and frail. Have the conversation, but pray for God’s guidance first. Ask your husband to join you in prayer before you talk about your next step. God will give you peace, He did it for me. I’m a very strong woman, I didn’t leave my marriage but for one reason, the vows to have only me was broken. Knowing God’s word made it very easy to say goodbye. And it’s history. After years apart, I laid him to rest over 15 years ago. The woman is was here at that time had no means to bury him. Be honest, secrets are the devils playing field. Secrets get a lot of people in bigger trouble than they are already dealing with. Let God help you.

For what it’s worth, aside from a monumental lack of compassion, you’ve just behaved horribly while projecting entirely imaginary horrible behaviour.

I’m sorry if you’re having a bad day or somebody hurt you in the past, hopefully it will improve for you.

hello @carpediem1970 you wanted to know if there were others in your situation and yes, I am. Could have written much of this post myself. Also been with DH for 23 yrs, we have 3 kids (in Y13, 10 and 7). It isn't terrible so there's no specific catalyst to leave other than i can't bear the idea of this being my life forever (although he did have an affair 18 years ago which i tried and failed to get over). We haven't had sex for 10 years, no other intimacy either and i am very lonely. I don't think he likes me either - he moved out into the spare room last summer because of his snoring, but he's been a heavy snorer for our entire marriage and he's never worried about it before. Its grim - but i feel paralysed to do anything, im fearful about making things worse for my children. We don't fight or argue - but we rub along ok as housemates. I am unhappy though i realise perhaps there are many of us living in quiet desperation. I have no advice, only solidarity. Best wishes

I think this is a major reason why as women we should never allow ourselves to become financially dependent on men! Why give them the power whilst we lose it?

Or maybe also why men should never be financially dependent on/tied to women?

@overdalexx I couldn't agree more!

For me @LorlieS it isn't about financial dependence - i am FD and earn more than my husband. What keeps me tied/trapped is my children, and my belief (rightly or wrongly) that staying together in their home is better for them than splitting their world in 2.

sorry - that should read "i am Financial INdepenent!!"

@mustardseedandmoonshire I guess that depends on your marriage. Mine was horrific and my children had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like. Luckily my financial independence meant I could leave and now they do see what it means because I'm happily remarried to a man who respects me❤️

I presumed this post was highlighting the utterly detestable way some ( largely men) treat their spouses, rather than genuinely being a how-to manual.

I think this is a manual on how to be detestable towards your husband

Lovely advice.
At the very least he deserves to be told.
The op has already stated that he is a decent person.
So it’s going to be the second persons life that she’s ruined.
Is it the op or her dh that doesn’t want to be intimate?
She doesn’t say.
It’s looking from her track record that the problem might be her, not her dh.

There is no marriage, you have nothing there that would suggest such.
Do the kindest thing and end it. At least doing so will prevent anymore valuable time being wasted, for both of you.