Buying a house/babies

[Jadebb123]

HELP. Relationship on the brink

My bf and I have been together almost a year and he moves in in feb 2024. We’re talking about saving up for a mortgage and are planning on doing the first home scheme on a new build. However the problem is we cannot agree on a rough timeframe and how much to save each month. He earns the most and has the savings behind him whereas I don’t. I’ve tried compromising agreeing that where he lives at home and pays little to no rent alongside his car and phone/credit card I live in my one flat that I have to pay for (both work full time) all we do is argue when it comes to this. We’re both 23 and he lives at home still I moved out at 19. Bear in mind I’m compromising by moving to his town away from my mum entirely and don’t drive and he does. He’s saying he won’t be boring and stuck at home cos we can’t go out when we rarely go out anyway except to the pub for an hour before we come home on a weekend. So it doesn’t affect that. I just feel we’re on different parts of our lives which is horrible as we’re so good together and wants the same things and we treat eachother great as well.

then there’s the baby thing. I lost my son at 7 months pregnant when I was 20. Whilst being with him in the first 3/4 months he had me take a plan b, have an abortion as he wasn’t ready and another plan b when on holiday (all which obviously affect my body and mental health due to my loss) I didn’t want the abortion but did it anyway for the sake of our relationship and to not ruin his mental health.

but he’s said we can try for a baby when we’ve lived in a house that we bought for a year and saying ages that things can happen which is going more towards when he’s ready and not really compromising. We found a plot where we could be supported as first time buyers and instead of compromising going yeah Alongside bills and paying for 3 holidays we have bare in mind next year so not exactly staying home doing nothing and the fact he gets a £4,000 pay rise every year and a bonus of 2,000 or more he won’t stay in. Even tho it wouldn’t stop us from going out. I said I’d put a certain amount of money away every month which actually exceeds the amount we’re aiming for to the timeframe by a couple grand at least and still it’s turned into a huge argument and me thinking that we should drop the entire thing completely and just not buy at all cos it’s affecting our relationship.

I feel like I’ve compromised a hell of a lot doing things for him and he’s not doing it for me. And that maybe we’re at different stages in our lives and idk what to do. I don’t want to split up I do love him and want to be with him he treats me amazingly and weve both healed eachother from bad experiences prior but I genuinely don’t know how to move forward without giving into what he wants and just accepting I may never get to have kids or a house until 30 +. (Slight exaggeration but ygm.

am I being difficult and too much or am I being valid?

I think you are too young for all this shit. Do you really want to buy a house and get tied down to him at the age of 23, when you are clearly not on the same page in your relationship?

What is wrong with not having kids until 30+? I would at least wait until you can both agree on things, and I definitely wouldn't be buying with him any time soon. Can you at least rent together and see how you get on?

Whilst being with him in the first 3/4 months he had me take a plan b, have an abortion as he wasn’t ready and another plan b when on holiday (all which obviously affect my body and mental health due to my loss) I didn’t want the abortion but did it anyway for the sake of our relationship and to not ruin his mental health.

That there is why you should split.

I’m so sorry for your loss. I wouldn’t get yourself into a mortgage with this man, no one who truly loves you would pressure you to do something you don’t want to such as an abortion which can be very traumatic. I got into a mortgage with my ex and it ended 3 months later. Luckily I had some inheritance so could buy him out but it was very expensive and a pain in the arse.

I’m not comparing it to your situation but I also had 3 miscarriages with this ex and have no living children so I understand the maternal desire to have children particularly after a loss it’s intensified. I nearly ended up settling for my ex because I thought he was my chance to have children. I’m so glad I didn’t because I’m now with a wonderful man who I plan to move in with next year and have children in the future with. Also I’m 30 now so a bit older than you (28 when I had the losses/break up), and I know when you’re 23 30 seems a long time but honestly it’s not and I still feel 25 and still feel I have time for kids, so I guess what I’m saying is if things don’t work out how you want them too you still have loads of time.

OP, regardless of what happens from here on in I believe that in years to come you are likely to hate him for making you have an abortion (I'm all for choice and fiercely protective of women's rights to abortion btw). He shouldn't have pressured you to do that if you wanted to.

What is he giving up in the name of this relationship?

I think you should dump him, live a carefree life for a bit. Enjoy your 20s, you won't get them back. Stay near your mum if you want to. Then find someone who shows willing to give up things for you.

He sounds like a typical selfish early 20s male twat. Putting it politely.

We put up with such shit from men in our 20s it is actually staggering - most of them are so much less mature than young women. But you only properly realise that later on.

Please take care of yourself OP. Look after number one. Because he hasn't been and isn't doing that.

Put aside any thoughts of trying to make him commit to you at this point.

You are both so young.
He is behaving very normally for a 23 yr old. He isn't ready to settle down.

You can decide if you want to carry on going out, or if you want to split up, but you'd be daft to try to force him into buying, when he isn't interested. You'd be even dafter to do it on the schemes that mean you can't then sell if it doesn't work out. You'd be incredibly stupid to try to make him agree to have a child with you when he isn't ready.

ive just seen this and I never once said I’ve forced him to do anything. We’ve both agreed we want to buy a house hence why he’s the one finding all these things and working it all out and I do the talking. We’ve both agreed we want children so I haven’t “forced” him. The post is about compromising and listening and understanding eachother. Maybe you didn’t read it properly or read and took what you wanted to. But there’s no controlling in this whatsoever. And I never made him agree to have a child with me either. He’s free to voice his opinions like I am. And whilst I wasn’t happy with what happened we weren’t ready in our stage in our relationship but I never forced him to have a baby with me. Maybe try not to be so aggressive with responding to posts and take into accountability that they have feelings or don’t comment on the post at all

“it’s turned into a huge argument and me thinking that we should drop the entire thing completely and just not buy at all cos it’s affecting our relationship.”

I think this is a major read flag to be honest.

sorry to be a dark cloud but I just think you’re not on the same page- and that’s just the house without adding the potential of a baby in the mix (which I think would not be a good idea).

Sounds like he might be stalling/ not ready/ doesn’t actually these things. If he did, he’d find a way, if not, he’ll find an excuse.

Also, nobody was being aggressive,
I think you need to calm down a little OP!

You'd be mad to buy a house with some guy you've only known a year at 23.

At 30 after you've known a guy for 3 years maybe.

You're 23, have some fun and let loose a little.
Don't keep dating men where everything becomes an argument either!

Also, what about marriage?
He thinks it's OK to knock you up without marrying you first?
Sure, some people do that. But it should at least be a discussion first. So if it hasn't been...

Some guy says to me 'hey, let's get a house together and have a kid' and doesn't bother to say 'do you want to get married?' - they're not a keeper. They're a piss taker.

I think you’re right that your time frames don’t match. He’s thinking settle down and have a family in 10 years time, you’re thinking next year. Neither of you are objectively wrong. It isn’t wrong to want a family in your twenties or to want to do more social party travel stuff in your twenties and settle down in your 30s. But your plans don’t match. Don’t compromise this much on stuff this important. Relationships shouldn’t be this hard this early on. I’d break it off and look for someone who’s timeline is a closer fit to yours.

Agree with @TossacointoHenryCavill and other PP. This man isn’t for you. Your timelines don’t match.

I’m very sorry for your loss of your baby when you were 20. That’s absolutely awful. Perhaps that’s why you’re so desperate to have a baby very soon but it’s a bad idea to have a baby very early on in a relationship because you don’t really know the other person and whether they’ll make a good parent or whether your relationship with them will work when you’re parents.

Your 20s are a fabulous time for exploring the world and life without the responsibilities of a mortgage, long-term relationships and children. Why rush to tie yourself down?

This. I felt exhausted reading your post. Why is everything such a rush? First, get a reliable contraceptive, having a baby in this scenario is totally unfair and unhelpful. Focus on one thing at a time. Why not rent together first for a few years and see how that goes.

You've barely been together a year. People in their 30s don't even rush into things this quick.

I think you should focus on yourself and not get some loser to try and grow up in a matter of months.

You are both VERY young and whilst I admire your maturity and drive, I'm surprised you can't see the glaring differences in your opinions just by re reading what you have posted here.
This guy IS NOT ready to settle down. You're forcing a situation that's clearly not for him. It's clear you want kids right now, he doesn't, he wants a house but doesn't want to scrimp to save, you do, he doesn't even want to leave his area so you'll have to move to him.

You are not on the same page. Stop allowing your trauma bonding to dictate your life. That's what's happening here. Let him go and find someone who actually clearly wants the same things as you. Or learn to just live life and enjoy, carry on saving and buy alone.

He is not for you move on, too many red flags and compromising. X

Also what happens when yous break up it's alot harder selling a house when yous are not married in the sense of protection. As for forcing you to have an abortion....leave and don't look back

I agree.
You are so young. The world is your oyster. This man is not for you, you want different things and he took a decision about your body out of your hands.

I agree with this.

OP I don't mean this disrespectfully but please wait a bit longer, especially to have children. I'm not sure what the rush is? There really is a reason people with children say this all the time. EVERYTHING changes and it puts a lot of pressure on your relationship, on your body, on your mind, friendships, money.. I could go on.

You won't get this time back as a 23 year old again. Surely you've got better things to be doing than being be stuck changing nappies and having sleepless nights with someone who I don't think will be much help?!

When I was 20 I had the opposite problem. I was in a relationship with someone who wanted to settle down, proposed months in and wanted to get married quickly, wanted us to settle miles away from where i lived (we were from different sides of the country) and have kids pretty quickly.
I didn't want this, it was way too fast.
Needless to say we split after a year and a half.

Why oh why are you getting into all this at 23. You are far too young and just setting yourself up for a life of grief. Let go of all of this format least 5 years, enjoy yourself and stop trying to force situations. Also sounds like you need to make your contraception more robust...but frankly don't start trying for a baby

I think you're both very young. I don't blame him for wanting to go out and have fun at 23 and I don't blame you for wanting to settle down especially after everything you've been through. Could you rent out your flat and rent somewhere together first to see how you like living together and living in his home town?

He is using the maternity, he knows you want to be a mother, as a bait to convince you of doing what you don't want to do and get away with it one more time. He has done before and he will do it in the future.

I would leave the relationship, you are still very young, don't go that way, he is not a good man.

It's hard to describe how much harder achieving any of your life goals becomes when you have children, especially if you are in a relationship with someone who is unsupportive. It's like wading though treacle.

If you have a child with this man, you'll be doing it all and you'll be stuck living in his home town. And if you split, you won't have family support to help you work and get a break, so you'll be reliant on paid childcare with limited back up, which will be tough and expensive.

The best thing you could do for your future children at this stage would be to take a step back and think about what sort of person you want them to have as their second parent.

@Jadebb123 it's all way way too soon at your ages. He may well want the house etc with you but the reality is that he isn't ready to make the compromises for that right now. He wants to be out with his mates and having a bit of a carefree life.
Once mortgages and children come along, that all changes and it won't be the same for either of you.

So whilst he's being a bit of a dick on this, I actually don't blame him for wanting to have fun and save a bit less.

At 23 it's absolutely ok to be living at home, saving some but also spending some.

I don't think you're well matched and loving someone isn't enough if you aren't truly on the same page about goals and timescales.

On the baby thing, please don't take this as judgment but do you think you might have been hoping to get pregnant with him? 3 contraception fails in 3/4 months is quite a lot and I just wonder if despite saying you're not ready, you were quietly hoping he'd be delighted and want to have a baby now?

I'm sorry if I've misunderstood this, but plan b isn't an abortion. It's emergency contraception. Obviously he shouldn't have made you take it but it's not the same as making you have an abortion.

Also, learn to drive, now. You need that freedom and independence from him and you will definitely want to be driving if you move and have children.