Buying a house/babies

[Jadebb123]

HELP. Relationship on the brink

My bf and I have been together almost a year and he moves in in feb 2024. We’re talking about saving up for a mortgage and are planning on doing the first home scheme on a new build. However the problem is we cannot agree on a rough timeframe and how much to save each month. He earns the most and has the savings behind him whereas I don’t. I’ve tried compromising agreeing that where he lives at home and pays little to no rent alongside his car and phone/credit card I live in my one flat that I have to pay for (both work full time) all we do is argue when it comes to this. We’re both 23 and he lives at home still I moved out at 19. Bear in mind I’m compromising by moving to his town away from my mum entirely and don’t drive and he does. He’s saying he won’t be boring and stuck at home cos we can’t go out when we rarely go out anyway except to the pub for an hour before we come home on a weekend. So it doesn’t affect that. I just feel we’re on different parts of our lives which is horrible as we’re so good together and wants the same things and we treat eachother great as well.

then there’s the baby thing. I lost my son at 7 months pregnant when I was 20. Whilst being with him in the first 3/4 months he had me take a plan b, have an abortion as he wasn’t ready and another plan b when on holiday (all which obviously affect my body and mental health due to my loss) I didn’t want the abortion but did it anyway for the sake of our relationship and to not ruin his mental health.

but he’s said we can try for a baby when we’ve lived in a house that we bought for a year and saying ages that things can happen which is going more towards when he’s ready and not really compromising. We found a plot where we could be supported as first time buyers and instead of compromising going yeah Alongside bills and paying for 3 holidays we have bare in mind next year so not exactly staying home doing nothing and the fact he gets a £4,000 pay rise every year and a bonus of 2,000 or more he won’t stay in. Even tho it wouldn’t stop us from going out. I said I’d put a certain amount of money away every month which actually exceeds the amount we’re aiming for to the timeframe by a couple grand at least and still it’s turned into a huge argument and me thinking that we should drop the entire thing completely and just not buy at all cos it’s affecting our relationship.

I feel like I’ve compromised a hell of a lot doing things for him and he’s not doing it for me. And that maybe we’re at different stages in our lives and idk what to do. I don’t want to split up I do love him and want to be with him he treats me amazingly and weve both healed eachother from bad experiences prior but I genuinely don’t know how to move forward without giving into what he wants and just accepting I may never get to have kids or a house until 30 +. (Slight exaggeration but ygm.

am I being difficult and too much or am I being valid?

Also, it is when you have a baby that the scales really start dropping from many women's eyes. Abusive and lazy men become worse not better. Babies don't improve the situation, they just put you both under a lot more pressure and some men can't cope with no longer being the priority in a relationship. Any poor behaviour beforehand is usually amplified by ten afterwards.

@ohfook I read it as there were 2 plan b and an abortion but might be wrong.

He does not want what you want so why force it?

Ah that makes more sense actually.

It’s really hard - I have been in your shoes when I was in my 20’s and I really feel for you.

My then partner said all the right things, that we would buy a house, start saving, have a family. But the reality didn’t match - when I worked out how much we should save every month he was angry at me for ‘controlling’ him, when I booked house viewings he was moody or negative, he wouldn’t save, kept moving the goalposts. (Eg told me I had to save £10k - when I did, he told me he wasn’t ready and was angry he expected him to put his savings into a deposit.

When we had an unexpected pregnancy after years together he looked at me in absolute horror.

Moved out the next month and got my own place. Now I’m married and expecting my first baby. I’ve always been honest with my husband about what I wanted and we’ve worked together to get there. I didn’t realise how different it would feel.

When the other person gets it their own way and you’re the one making the sacrifices it’s not comprising, it’s being a doormat because you’re scared of losing a man.

You want the fairytale like on those YouTube channels with a New Build, decor from The Range and ‘art’ from Dessinio. Meanwhile back in the real world, your bf might be making in the right notices (sort of) but he’s not on the same page as you. He clearly isn’t mature enough to tell that your dream of domestic bliss isn’t his and his actions speak volumes. You are both still young, what’s the rush?

His actions speak louder than his words, you should listen.

What's the rush? You are so, so young to be worrying about buying a house and having a baby, especially as you've only been together a year. Honestly, that's nothing. If you were 10 years older I'd be saying you're rushing things but at 23 it's indecently hasty (and very likely to end badly).

Take a breath. Take your time. There is no rush.

And in any case, you don't want the same things. Don't tie yourself in any way to this man, please. You're worth more.

Taking plan b isn't an abortion it's just the pill basically. If you don't want to be in that position again then use contraception. You both sound a bit immature and not ready for all this

Whilst being with him in the first 3/4 months he had me take a plan b, have an abortion as he wasn’t ready and another plan b when on holiday

So 3 contraception fails in 3 or 4 months ?
I would focus on this first. Go to your GP or go to a sexual health clinic and let them help you work out the best method of contraception for you, for the worst thing you could do is bring a child into the world with a reluctant boyfriend of less than a year.

You literally started your OP with "HELP. Relationship on the brink". I mean, that is what YOU said. Why would you tie yourself in anyway (house or child) with someone you don't currently have a good relationship with ?

I feel like I’ve compromised a hell of a lot doing things for him and he’s not doing it for me.

Please listen to what YOU are saying about this relationship.

You should sort your contraception out; continue to save (for yourself); forget any thoughts of buying property or having a child and relax and have a little fun for a while. Keep going out with him if you want, or don't if you don't want, but just treat it as it is - a nice time with a nice bloke - for a while. RElax and see how it goes in a year or two.

"He sounds like a typical selfish early 20s male twat. Putting it politely.

We put up with such shit from men in our 20s it is actually staggering - most of them are so much less mature than young women. But you only properly realise that later on."

This a hundred times over from @Mmhmmn !!

Benefit of hindsight n'all but some of us DO tolerate batshit-fookwittery when we're younger. And that's what YOU'D be doing. He want's to give nothing & for you to give all - and you'd also be away from your support network.

If he's SO invested, you can create a MUTUALLY satisfying plan.

Sorry about your loss