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Original poster

How long before you stop thinking about an ex completely?

30 replies

YorkshireC · 24/08/2023 19:59

We broke up 2.5 years ago after 5 years together. I would never go back there, I'm past the heartbreak stage, but he still comes into my thoughts regularly - more so the horrible way it all ended. It's definitely lessened though. Although I've only bumped into him once since, we've mutual friends, which I've found hard at times. Is it unusual for him to still pop into my head?

OP posts:
Oakbeam · 24/08/2023 20:03

Over twenty years and counting here. So, no, I don’t think it’s unusual.

misssunshine4040 · 24/08/2023 20:04

I think it's stops when you have dealt with the break up in your head.
If it was an abusive relationship or traumatic break up, there tends to be a long period of complications working through it in your head.
Be kind to yourself and don't try and force anything. Try and see if you have any unresolved issues from the relationship that you can square away and this might help.

ohcrums · 24/08/2023 20:05

About half the length of the relationship but even then they might annoyingly pop into your head.

Xrays · 24/08/2023 20:06

Oh I think you always think about them occasionally, in a good or bad way. Surely that’s normal isn’t it? They’re part of your history. But the periods between the thoughts become longer. There’s a Taylor Swift song - I forgot that you existed - which always seems so true.

GotBeatenUp · 24/08/2023 20:16

It depends on whether or not you meet someone else or move on.
I still remember most exes sometimes. It depends on how bad the breakup was what you remember.

rockpoolingtogether · 24/08/2023 20:34

Still wondering what if about my ex from 16 years ago.

Original poster
YorkshireC · 24/08/2023 21:08

Good to hear I'm not alone or unusual. I've no desire to meet anyone else - in fact, I'll probably never have another relationship now.

OP posts:
JerkintheMerkin · 24/08/2023 21:22

I often wonder this. I have learned the painful lessons he taught but he still lives rent free in my mind. I hate it with a passion. Keeping very busy helps but it's not sustainable unfortunately.

ItsMyUkelele · 24/08/2023 21:23

I still think about my ex DH all the time. We were together 6 years and split up 17 years ago!!

I don't want to be with him or anything but I do just think about him a lot. Probably because he's the (useless) father of my children even though he has no contact with them.

Vretz · 24/08/2023 21:39

Look into grief. When a relationship ends, it triggers the same process as someone close to us dying. There's nothing wrong with remembering them, or thinking about them. It only becomes an issue if it affects your present/future relationships and day to day life.

Irrespective of what happened, be thankful for the lessons learnt and how it has shaped you. It sounds odd, but I had an abusive ex and I thank her for teaching me the value of retaining my identity in a relationship, but I also appreciate it with a balanced view that at times, she was a very loving and affectionate person who probably didn't have the awareness to know what she was doing, so I forgive her but I don't forget the lesson nor would I go back. It's acceptance of the past.

Original poster
YorkshireC · 25/08/2023 08:01

Vretz · 24/08/2023 21:39

Look into grief. When a relationship ends, it triggers the same process as someone close to us dying. There's nothing wrong with remembering them, or thinking about them. It only becomes an issue if it affects your present/future relationships and day to day life.

Irrespective of what happened, be thankful for the lessons learnt and how it has shaped you. It sounds odd, but I had an abusive ex and I thank her for teaching me the value of retaining my identity in a relationship, but I also appreciate it with a balanced view that at times, she was a very loving and affectionate person who probably didn't have the awareness to know what she was doing, so I forgive her but I don't forget the lesson nor would I go back. It's acceptance of the past.

Thank you - very helpful post. I now realise I ignored a lot of red flags, ignored my own needs, so I have learned from it.

OP posts:
GotBeatenUp · 25/08/2023 12:21

Good to hear I'm not alone or unusual. I've no desire to meet anyone else - in fact, I'll probably never have another relationship now. Likewise.

Grief-wise, I felt that I had not only lost a future, but that any pleasant memories of our time together had been invalidated.

Gettingbysomehow · 25/08/2023 12:33

I don't know, I never think about my first husband, I don't care about him. But I was married to the second one for 20 years and have loads of good memories and I thought we were going to be retiring and living our lives together.
He spitefully destroyed all of our photos which were online and walked out for anther woman never speaking to me again.
There isn't a day over the last 5 years when I don't think about him and wonder what my retirement is going to look like.
At least I have my own pension, money and home but this isn't what I planned or hoped for.

Gettingbysomehow · 25/08/2023 12:34

GotBeatenUp · 25/08/2023 12:21

Good to hear I'm not alone or unusual. I've no desire to meet anyone else - in fact, I'll probably never have another relationship now. Likewise.

Grief-wise, I felt that I had not only lost a future, but that any pleasant memories of our time together had been invalidated.

Yes, this.

80s · 25/08/2023 12:38

It took me a good few years, with the intensity and frequency of thoughts decreasing gradually. After 2.5 or 3 years (after a 20-year relationship) I'd been through therapy and medication and was feeling a lot better, though with the occasional woe-is-me moment. Now 10 years on I have to think about him sometimes as he's the kids' dad, but otherwise he only comes into my head when I think about relationships, e.g. the subject comes up on the radio and I compare my experience to what they are describing. Or my current dp does something nice and I am aware of the contrast with my ex. It doesn't make me feel sad.

I felt that I had not only lost a future, but that any pleasant memories of our time together had been invalidated
My ex claimed to his OW there had never been any good moments in our relationship and I knew it was a load of balls. It made me determined not to write off years of my own life myself. So maybe his negativity helped me be more positive!

idrinkandiknowthings · 25/08/2023 13:53

Not an ex as such but I haven't seen the love of my life for nearly 6 years and I still think about him multiple times a day.

Awittyfool · 25/08/2023 14:03

I think a lot depends on whether it was you or him that did the dumping. I remeber and think about all my exes sometimes but the one that dumped me for someone else played on my mind for a good 10 years ( we were together 8).
Only for the last five can I think of him without a strong emotional reaction. It’s been weird that it stopped as I never thought I’d get over him.

jammiedodgerfriday · 25/08/2023 14:24

It definitely depends on the situation. I have a daughter with my exH so it's a bit difficult to completely forget about him! We split 6 years ago but I can honestly say I'm indifferent to him now, he's just someone I have to deal with. We've both moved on, he's with the woman he cheated on me with and I've remarried to my soul mate and we have a baby due in the next few weeks!

But one particular ex who I saw in between my exH and my husband now still crosses my mind every now and then, we had a fab 6 months together but it just fizzled out. I just hold him in high regard because I believe he helped me get over my exH. He will always have a special place in my heart. 🩷

BananaSlug · 25/08/2023 14:30

I still think about my ex but we have children together, I don't think of any others

foxlover47 · 25/08/2023 14:45

Going through this currently and feeling that I'll never stop thinking about it !! But that's purely because it's so recent and hurts , I do still think about exs occasionally usually if something reminds me of them like a tv actor or show or a place or a song
Like other posters have said I think it absolutely depends on the break up reasons too as to how you reflect

eurochick · 25/08/2023 15:11

Somewhere between a few hours and 25 years and counting in my case.

Original poster
YorkshireC · 25/08/2023 19:00

Awittyfool · 25/08/2023 14:03

I think a lot depends on whether it was you or him that did the dumping. I remeber and think about all my exes sometimes but the one that dumped me for someone else played on my mind for a good 10 years ( we were together 8).
Only for the last five can I think of him without a strong emotional reaction. It’s been weird that it stopped as I never thought I’d get over him.

I was discarded over the phone - turns out he didn't ever have strong feelings for me.

OP posts:
Hawkins009 · 25/08/2023 19:11

It's certainly a mix at times I saw my ex recently at a supermarket but the way I got the "look" seemed puzzling especially considering where I was, and how they were etc.

That said I guess sometimes it's a mix as to different thoughts.

Littlemissalone · 25/08/2023 19:21

Funny this thread came up, I was thinking about this today.

My ex of 1.5 years dumped me nearly 4 years ago. I still think about him a lot, and every now and then, like today, I feel so gut-wrenchingly heartbroken. He never messaged me again.

I have a lovely bf of 3 years, but I just can't stop the thoughts and feelings. Lots and lots of regret and sadness.

TooBigForMyBoots · 25/08/2023 19:25

It is not unusual to have a Ex pop into your mind OP.Smile

I don't think it's a time thing, I think it's more to do with living your life. The more life your doing, the less significant the Ex becomes.