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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

emotionally abusive

28 replies

Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 09:50

Parter is accusing me of being cold & emotionally abusive.

After he was verbal abusive to me over a month ago I do feel I can't move forward. He wants to make up and try again but I can't show affection at the minute. I am trying to get on with things cooking tea, house work, I will eat out with him & take kids out. Its the best I can do. He says it's shit like this and I'm being so cold.
I don't want to break the family up, I'd have to move out, it's bad timing too.
Is being distant emotionally abusive?
He blames the drink for his part & hasn't touched it since.
I am also pregnant so emotions were high but now I feel depressed & down.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 09:52

He wants me to make a plan, but I can't at the minute I can't be loving either.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 24/08/2023 09:58

so as recently as month ago he abused you but now is saying you're abusive for acting hurt...

im guessing this wasn't the first time, right?

Original poster
Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 10:00

No not the first time but the worst, it seems. Or maybe it's effected me more so as I am pregnant. I can't get past it. I feel dead inside & numb.

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 10:00

@PaintedEgg

OP posts:
billy1966 · 24/08/2023 10:06

You poor woman.

So he abuses you horribly and expects you to get over it immediately?

That's not how it works.

He is abusive and not trustworthy.

You are correctly protecting yourself.

Have you told your GP, Health visitor about his terrible treatment of you?

Please do.

Please call Womens aid for advice and support now.

They may be able to help you with accommodation.

YOU are not abusive.

HE refuses to take responsibility for HIS behaviour.

That is the problem.

Please reach out for help.

What ages are your children?
How far gone are you?

We are here for you.

User452023 · 24/08/2023 10:15

Has he always been like this.. Projecting his feelings onto you?

He shouldnt be emotionally abusive to you anyway.. particularly as your pregnant!

It doesn't sound good..

So now he wants you to forgive and forget and move on from it all. Hmm.. Like you I would be wary too.

If you split is there anywhere he could go?

Perhaps he's worried that you won't put up with this abuse and he'd be left with nowhere to live..

Research shows that abusive people don't change. Some are 'narcissists' and do not even consider their behaviour to be abusive.

If this is not the first red flag that you have seen, consider whether there is a pattern to his behaviour where he is abusive towards you but expects you to apologise, or he shifts all the blame on you, he's passive aggressive, controlling, shouts over you, moody, brings up all of your faults when you try to resolve a disagreement.

And afterwards says he's sorry, or expects you to be the one to apologise.

If you see any of this behaviour think about whether you want to to waste any more time on this relationship.

PaintedEgg · 24/08/2023 10:20

would you be willing to say what did he say exactly?

the fact that you're pregnant makes it worse on all accounts - not only you're more likely to be more affected, it is a real dick move to purposefully upset a pregnant woman

User452023 · 24/08/2023 10:21

Well said 'billy1966'!

Please don't put up with this OP.. Don't let him sweetalk you with 'future faking' only for it to happen again and again and for your kids to see it and get affected by it.

Your life and your kids life is more important It's just not worth it.

Watchkeys · 24/08/2023 10:23

I think it's important to note that accusations of abuse don't happen in healthy relationships, so regardless of whether there has been any, you need to understand that this relationship is not healthy, and leave. If you've been abusive, you should leave. If he's accusing you of being abusive when you haven't, you should leave. If he feels there's abuse and you disagree, you should leave.

There is no healthy way forward. The reason you can't show him affection is because there is none, and he's right, it's shit. But it's over. If he's trying to get you to show him affection when you don't feel it, he doesn't respect your feelings and wants to manipulate you into doing what he wants you to, regardless of how you feel yourself.

Esmejane81 · 24/08/2023 10:36

Your lack of affection towards him is to be expected and will be part of your brain / bodies mechanism of protecting yourself.

I’ve been in your position, was physically and verbally attacked repeatedly including while I was pregnant, I dealt with it by shutting down any emotions at all, so completely understand.

He isn’t taking accountability and is blaming you for his actions. Unfortunately that’s also a pattern of behaviour to be wary of, people have choices irrelevant of the situation, he chose to be abusive but now wants to excuse it.

I am no expert though, it took me years to leave.

I would say if you have the ability and the strength to leave now, do it.

It’s not okay to be made to feel the way you are or to be blamed for someone else’s behaviour.

You are the mother of his child, he is supposed to be the person you lean on not the person who is making you feel awful.

Original poster
Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 15:18

Thanks all,
Children are primary age, one about to start seniors and nearly due dc3
I've note told midewife said everything is fine 😪

OP posts:
Original poster
Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 15:19

There was shouting and I said don't shout at me like that his response was I will, what are you going to do about it, still shouting.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 24/08/2023 17:29

Isitseptember · 24/08/2023 15:19

There was shouting and I said don't shout at me like that his response was I will, what are you going to do about it, still shouting.

you know what...I'm seriously impressed by you!

most people just accept shouting or shout back. You didn't - you stood up for yourself and, even better, you called him our and are refusing to swipe it under a rug.

He asked you what are you going to do about it and this is his answer - so if he keeps complaining about your feelings on the matter you have a perfect response for him:

"you shouted at me, I told you to stop, you knew I would not accept you speaking to me like this and you had the audacity to ask what I will do about it. You're lucky I don't treat you with the disrespect you have shown me"

and no, you're not being abusive by feeling emotionally distant to someone who disrespected you and then mocked you when you called him out on it.

User452023 · 24/08/2023 18:41

Just because you're in a more vulnerable position he thinks he can bully you.. Well done on you for standing your ground but please be careful as well.

Any man (or woman for that matter) that will openly pick on, and abuse a pregnant woman is a weakling, and a coward for picking on someone who is in no position to defend themselves.

It speaks volumes about the type of person they are.

Original poster
Isitseptember · 25/08/2023 16:30

He says I need to make a decision if I want to leave or work on things, if I choose to leave he won't rush me out but when I do go he wants no Contact and will contact the children themselves on eldest phone.

If I want to work on things he suggested therapy

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 25/08/2023 16:42

Isitseptember · 25/08/2023 16:30

He says I need to make a decision if I want to leave or work on things, if I choose to leave he won't rush me out but when I do go he wants no Contact and will contact the children themselves on eldest phone.

If I want to work on things he suggested therapy

And he says YOU are icy!

Sorry op but he's already told you it's over. He just wants you to be the one who says it so he isn't the 'bad guy'.

There's no love left. He's proposing staying or leaving the relationship like its some sort of business arrangement.

billy1966 · 25/08/2023 16:44

He is threatening you and trying to manipulate you.

Hevis abusive and he thinks he can bully you into backing down.

Please reach out to hour medical team for support.

Talk to Women's aid for advice and support.

Original poster
Isitseptember · 25/08/2023 16:49

He said he wants to work on things for a while though so I'm not sure.

OP posts:
PaintedEgg · 25/08/2023 16:58

it's only been a month since he acted like this - he wants to work through it? he better shut up and let you work through it first, while he should be staying at his best behaviour and not complain about not being forgiven in such a short time!

User452023 · 25/08/2023 17:07

This is manipulation OP... It's just words.

If he wanted to work on things why has he not changed his behaviour.

He's just telling you what he knows you want to hear.

Maybe by your attitude he senses he could lose you so he's starting to make false promises to keep you.

If you both split up would there be any where for him to go to? This could be another reason why he wants to work in things.

Couples disagree all the time but if things turn into partners being talked over, shouted down or being called names or being labelled as abusive, or given the silent treatment then that's a
plain wrong.

I wonder if he's going to work on his abusive behaviour.

Babysharkdoodoodood · 25/08/2023 17:22

What's your residential status? Renting or ownership?

User452023 · 25/08/2023 17:58

Sorry OP.. I accidentally posted the link to the Domestic Violence Hotline. Although the information on abuse is still applicable, in the UK use 'Womens Aid' for support.

Original poster
Isitseptember · 25/08/2023 18:01

It's his house @Babysharkdoodoodood @User452023

**

OP posts:
User452023 · 25/08/2023 19:39

Ring Womens Aid for advice and them consider what you want to do.

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