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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Insure partner messaged my friend to stay away

35 replies

Mumstaxi100 · 24/08/2023 05:56

Been seeing a Spanish guy now for around 2 months, I never have an issue that i can’t understand his calls to people ect.
I have a male ex that did mean a lot me, we have remained friends but he’s very respectful of my relationship also he is with someone and it’s difficult as he is close with my 10 year old son. My son has been thought a lot and they really are close, the ex has no children of his own. We were only together around 8 months and something always held me back from making a commitment.

Saturday night my new partner, unlocked my phone when I was asleep and messaged my friend a bombardment of messages at 4am.. telling him to stay away and he can’t be around my son ect new partner has a child but he left her in Spain with family.
Do I end it? How can I trust him! He also hid the fact he had sent any messages I found them thinking my friend was quiet, he was very upset

I have been in controlling relationships in the past..

OP posts:
LoonyLois · 24/08/2023 05:57

I’d end it. If he’s acting like that after two months it’s only going to get worse

GCAcademic · 24/08/2023 05:58

Of course you end it! This is scary and deranged behaviour at any point in a relationship, never.mind two months in.

AuntieEsther · 24/08/2023 05:58

Obviously you end it. Do you even have to ask??

user1483387154 · 24/08/2023 05:58

I would not be with this person anymore

ImGoingThroughChanges · 24/08/2023 05:59

You end it like this “Just found the messages you sent my friend. You had no right to do that and I’ve no interest in another controlling relationship. Don’t contact me again”

then thank your lucky stars you found out so early on what he was like. Good luck.

Fraaahnces · 24/08/2023 06:00

Oh god no! Bin the guy.

Shoxfordian · 24/08/2023 06:03

You’re in another controlling relationship

EthicalNonMahogany · 24/08/2023 06:06

Yup, he's controlling. Also "left his child in Spain with family"? Married, or just a cunt?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 24/08/2023 06:10

You are in another controlling relationship. End this now via text. Do not embark
on any further relationship until you have shored up your boundaries which have been further weakened by such abuse. What did you learn about relationships in childhood?. Was your father controlling?.

The Freedom Programme is something I would urge you to enrol on and read Why does he do that? By Lundy Bancroft.

Bluesky85 · 24/08/2023 06:11

This is awful on so many levels. Get rid of him- he’s jealous, he went behind your back, he is controlling and also sounds completely lacking in any empathy whatsoever- and no care about what YOU want, only what he wants.

Spywoman · 24/08/2023 06:13

Get rid of him straight away. He would be a terrible role model for your son as well as extremely controlling of you. This is not normal behaviour. Don't minimise it or make excuses for it. Be grateful he showed his true colours this soon into your relationship.

Original poster
Mumstaxi100 · 24/08/2023 06:16

Just for transparency I’m the friend in this situation… and have changed a few things as I can’t be identified.. but I really am concerned, her boy has been through so much and if someone can leave there own child.
We always said we would remain in each others life’s, she’s been thought a lot with addictions ect although that’s all in distant past.
The whole situation has been quite emotional,
I want to show her this thread

OP posts:
calmcoco · 24/08/2023 06:17

Yes sorry, this person is controlling so I agree with the advice above to end it Flowers

Thank goodness you found out.

Don't fall for any bullshit about him loving you so much it is understandable he feels jealous blah blah blah.

ohcrums · 24/08/2023 06:20

Yes leave.

But as you are the friend its going to be hard to tell her that as the new bloke will make out you are jealous

Baconking · 24/08/2023 06:51

Oh FFS!
The reverse was not necessary on this

Dotcheck · 24/08/2023 06:55

Baconking · 24/08/2023 06:51

Oh FFS!
The reverse was not necessary on this

Exactly.
I’m now confused. Does your friend know?

AgentJohnson · 24/08/2023 06:59

I feel sorry for the child, Mum appears to lurch from one drama to another and probably should stay single or at the very least get therapy.

Your close relationship with the boy also appeared to happen very quickly and I’m guessing the poor child will have to navigate a revolving door of men who his mother exposes him to.

Whataretheodds · 24/08/2023 07:09

The reverse was not necessary.

Can you just tell us the actual story so we can give appropriate advice.

Did this just happen last night? Does she know he sent the message? What has she said to you about it?

Sueveneers · 24/08/2023 07:16

What does insure partner mean?

monsteramunch · 24/08/2023 07:18

Sueveneers · 24/08/2023 07:16

What does insure partner mean?

I think it was meant to say 'I'm sure'

MotherOfGodWeeFella · 24/08/2023 07:21

Or "insecure", but why the reverse? Not helpful.

Poivresel · 24/08/2023 07:21

Did you have an intimate relationship or were just close friends?

The guy sounds awful.

nevynevster · 24/08/2023 07:22

Omg this is not normal behaviour! End it ASAP!

Although imho it's a bit odd that this ex of 8 months has such a strong relationship with your child. I didn't even introduce my bf to my kids at that point (or if I did they were just friends and did not stay over). This new guy also seems to be introduced to your child too? I would strongly suggest finding local babysitters and maybe taking things a bit slower next time!

RecklessBlackberries · 24/08/2023 07:22

It sounds like the woman in question has very poor boundaries, if her ex of only 8 months was so close to her son. I'd say she needs time out of relationships to work on that, and both her current and ex partners should let her have that.

Sparkletastic · 24/08/2023 07:24

I think she should probably get both you and the current boyfriend out of her life.

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