Please help me cope (cheating)

[Cathereen]

I feel such immense anguish I just can't cope with it and I don't really have anybody to talk to.

I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. And he cheated on me and blew our lives apart.

I got his phone and read the full communication of the whole thing because obviously I don't believe a word he says anymore and this is how it went.

She was a neighbour and acquaintance. He started spending regular time with her because she joined a local club where he was one of only a few members, and he says he liked her because she was friendly and nice to him.

They started having chats - not about anything too deep and meaningful - but just long chats at the pub after their club finished. He said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it because he didn't fancy her and didn't think she fancied him either.

She was always flattering him and feigning interest in his interests and so on and he said he doesn't really have any friends so he liked that.

That had gone on for about six weeks when I went away for three months for work. Knowing I was away, she messaged him and said she'd cook for him because she loved cooking and drop it off.

So she brought him over food, and the again, and then started bringing over wine so they eat and chat. When i went over this with him he swears he didn't think of it as an affair because he was not sexually attracted to her and just enjoyed chatting. It turned out they had both experienced childhood abuse and bonded over that.

She was definitely the aggressor. Being very flirty and flattering him like mad over texts and his replies were very brusque. Then they got drunk and he had sex with her.

Her story is that they were alone and suddenly leapt on each other in a passionate clinch like Mills and Boon.

His story is that he was pissed and she started touching his dick.

No idea what's true.

He told her afterwards it was a huge mistake and she messaged him saying she was crying and devastated and could she come over to talk. They got drunk and had sex again.

He repeated this several times. The gist was him saying it had to stop but then agreeing to let her come over because she was upset. Obviously he must have known what was going to happen the minute he let her in the door but he said she was threatening to call me and he was terrified.

Her messages are really bunny boiler for want of a kinder term. She's 12 years his senior, newly divorced and quite well known locally as a lush to a point of falling off bar stools. At neighbourhood events she's always smashed, falling over and being overtly sexual with every man who goes near her.

Anyway, after the sex had gone on for about two weeks and happened three times, she was saying she loved him 😒 There was often about 18 missed calls from her at 3am, and I read messages that showed she'd frequently showed up crying on the front doorstep demanding he let her in.

The messages described her trying to lock him in her bathroom to stop him leaving her house, as well as him calling the police because she was at our house and wouldn't leave. Really unpleasant and he was asking her to leave him alone. Then she would threaten him with various things (calling me, telling his work etc)

Then the next day she would send sweet messages apologising and asking to make it up to him but they were also laced with threats and during this time he got so stressed that he had to take sick leave. Which he never does!

I am no saying this because he's my partner, but reading those messages it looked to me that he'd been emotionally abused by a highly skilled manipulator who was using love bombing mixed with terror and threats. Reading them made me actually pity him.

This went on for a couple of months. She told him she'd always been in love with him, and asked him to leave me and he said no. So the day I got home she wrote me a letter and put it in the letterbox telling me everything. After that I got his phone and pieced together the whole story.

The way he acted isn't a person I recognise. She's not the type of person he'd usually give the time of day to. I am still in complete shock. I understand she flattered him and so on, but I just can't believe he's such a cliche.

We begged me not to leave and cried and apologised for months. He started seeing a counsellor to work through the character flaws that led to his choices and he was crying almost constantly to a point I was more worried about him than myself. He said he felt nothing for her, which I believed based on the messages I read.

But she wouldn't leave us alone. Letters constantly through the door. Harassing me by phone. We had to leave social media and change numbers. I honestly thought one of us would have a heart attack or stroke from the strain of it. He seemed genuinely scared of her to an abnormal level.

But despite this, he kept on breaking his promise of no contact with her, which he framed as "placating" her or "giving her what she needed to move on". Being being furious, I really couldn't understand it because we agreed he wouldn't speak to her at all, but he kept saying she was a nice person (yes, the lady I've just described) and that she was vulnerable and that it was all his fault that she was in such state (she'd told him this).

She got into an affair with an attached man who pretty told her he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with her, but somehow she had very powerfully convinced him that it was completely his fault and she bore no responsibility at all.

So I moved out because I was so furious that he seemed reluctant to break contact and I didn't want to live in the village with her anymore. He spent weeks on end crying, saying how much he loved me and how he'd ruined his beautiful life - and he did finally stop contact with her.

Given the circumstances I expected him to be relieved, but instead he got very ill and had a complete nervous breakdown for which he was hospitalised for two weeks.

Somehow, he started telling me he missed her and that he had a compulsion to see her because she always made him feel better. He said he loved me, but she was his best friend. And at this point I started really hating him.

He decided he was confused about his feelings and while he was sure he was in love with me and not her, he was very confused about why he felt so desperate and the only way he could feel better was seeing her. Acting, I suppose, like he was in love with her.

He got a little better and said he didn't feel like that anymore and didn't understand why he thought he did. He moved to another area to nearby me, he said in the hope hed be able to repair all the damage. He's been having more therapy and they say he's traumatised. The damage was too much though and I couldn't forgive him.

I don't really know how it's possibly to type anything that conveys the anguish I feel. I had a lovely life with someone I loved so much and now it's gone and I can't understand so many things.

Why he did it
Why he found it so hard to stop despite the consequences
Why he saw her positively when she was obviously a nut
Why he cared about her feelings at my expense

Most of all why, while trying to patch things up with me, he had some kind of desperate need for another woman.

He phoned me today after a period of no contact and I realise how much trauma and anguish I'm I'm. This year has been so awful and part of me wonders why he didn't bloody marry her if she was so great.

I just don't feel I can cope anymore. I feel like just quitting my job and running away

Sorry OP sounds really tough. With everything that's happened it's understandable how you feel.

Could you move back closer to family or somewhere for a fresh start? Or maybe just take some time out to really think about what you want in life and your next move.

Make it all about you and take good care of yourself. Treat yourself to some relaxing treatments or book in with a counsellor. I'd keep no contact going to preserve your wellbeing

Just block him OP. You were feeling a bit better until he phoned.

I don't think you could ever 100% trust him in future (no woman who's experienced a man doing all this could) so it's best left in the past.

You'll feel better for it eventually.

Yes, it’s been shut for you, dreadful really. If you have no kids I would run a mile from him.

If you have kids, you have to be a bit more thoughtful about contact etc.

But to hell with both of them, really. Neither is a keeper. He’s a grown man saying she made him do it, she’s a psycho from hell doing a desperado letter run. Good luck to both of them.

Basically it’s likely she’s a narc, and it’s likely he’s a codependent. That’s why their fucked up dynamic works as it’s a familiar pattern of insecure attachment they are both searching for. You in the other hand don’t need the drama and are going wtf?

Rightly so. There are better things you could be doing than wasting yr life on these immature idiots.

Crikey @Cathereen, what an awful experience for you. Cheating is difficult enough to deal with but all the compounding and stressful circumstances around ot sound absolutely awful. You've done amazingly well to get to this point. I'm not surprised you are feeling the way you are, that is an awful lot to experience and process. You've lived with the stress/adrenaline for so long your poor body probably doesn't know what has hit it now you're out of the situation.

It's sad, but you can't control other people's behaviour. His actions and the impact on you are completely unforgiveable. What you can do is choose to walk away, as you have. You've been so strong. Now just be gentle with yourself, take some time and space to figure out what you want next. You will be happy again, it will just take some time. But eventually you will be, and you'll be so bloody glad you had the strength to walk away.

Sending hugs 🫂

This is heart breaking to read, I can feel the anguish and tiredness in your post. I hope you stay strong OP.

I'm so sorry. It hurt even too read this. No advice to give, except that after all you've been through, you must be through the worst of it now. You've been strong, so you can do the rest.

I'm so very sorry. Your pain is so evident.

Over what time period has this gone on and how long have you been together and are there children involved? How long had you been out of contact with him for?

You write as though life is all about him and his needs, when in reality you need to take back control. You've done it already by moving but this recent contact has reopened the wound. Only you can make the decision to move on, put your mental and physical health first. You are worth so much more and need to stop dancing to his tune. You will never get the answers to all your whys.

Affairs, never end well and it seems he is still playing the victim. Move on from this weak man, who lacks any integrity or you will grow to hate yourself in the long run.

I feel your pain. Try to hang in there, gather friends and family around you and build a better life for yourself where you are centre stage. Sending strength. I have been in your shoes. It does get easier.

This is an awful experience. Really awful.

Your ex has behaved really badly, breakdown or not. And however 'nuts' this woman sounds, he wasn't that fussy. He made choices to have sex with her and even now, see her.

You have choices. Take back your power and your control. Block him. Start afresh. It's so hard and painful but he can and will betray you again. They always do.

So take a deep breath, take charge and make decisions for yourself only.

Your post is a lot about her - you need to 100% blame him, all this ‘she fell on to my dick ten times’ bullshit is not helpful. Emotionally abused fgs.

Block and start to move on. Lick your wounds, be kind to yourself, find new friends.

In term of your questions, he did it because he likes the attention despite knowing he was blowing your world apart, he thought he could get away with it and then carried out regardless because he has no value for your feelings at all. He deserves no more of your time.

If what you have written is true, she does sound somewhat unhinged. However, the choice to shag her was his. She didn’t hold a gun to his head. And all this “she makes him feel better” bollocks, is just that, bollocks. He’s a typical cake eating Twat. He did it because he wanted to, because the ego boost and validation was, for him, irresistible. That’s why it was so hard to stop - she told him he was “the man” and he wanted to believe that. This shit is hard to untangle for those who do the cheating, because they all follow “the script”. You must have seen that on here? It’s the ridiculous set of lies they tell themselves, their cover story, to justify truly weapons grade cunt behaviour. He knew what he was doing was utterly wrong, so he compartmentalised and justified it to himself in some way. This cover story never actually holds up under scrutiny, which is why, in the end, most of these things fall apart. But op, this is not your circus and not your monkeys. Whatever shite he told himself is on him and you cannot keep allowing him to drag you down. If you have no DC I would send a final message along the lines of……due to the depth and severity of your betray I am severing all contact. Do not contact me again. I might be tempted to add at the end “because you are a complete thundercunt” but possibly that wouldn’t be helpful! Good luck op, this will get better for you xxx

Just block him. Your inability to take him on with all of his faults - lying, still seeing her, insensitivity, etc, will be hurled at you as the reason for his breakdown. He won’t take genuine responsibility for his part. The trust is gone and he did that.

Cathereen, I recall some of your threads and have wondered how things were going. I’m so sorry that your torment has not lessened.

I remember being gob-smacked when, after all of OW’s abuse, unhinged behavior and histrionics, your Partner began to miss her.

He appears to be a severely emotionally impaired individual whose consuming enmeshment with this woman blocked his ability to truly invest in your reconciliation.

I believe that you do yourself a great disservice when you interact with him. It’s a form of self-harm. Have you had IC to learn how to let go of this highly destructive situation?

Read up codependency.

His reasons for missing her are awful. It’s a pattern.

She has narcissistic personality disorder. Due to her abuse of him and you. Also not everyone would do a big reveal after they don’t get a taken man. It takes a special type to do this. A very special type. It’s about winning and not the man. Expect that she’ll be doing the rounds and trying to win another one once this drama is over. They don’t have feelings so have to have drama. It’s the only way they can feel something. And ‘feeling anything is better than feeling nothing.’ That’s a direct quote from Killing Eve series whereby the heroine is a sociopath and has a day off and can not cope.

You on the other hand sound balanced when not involved in this. A balanced person can not give your partner what he needs, which is a freaky emotional rollercoaster he mistakes for love.

Have u met his parents? Let me guess. One of them would give him silent treatment every now and then if they did something wrong so that he would have to guess how to please them? That’s one way it can start to feel comfortable and the warped way he would feel loved. Once he would guess how to solve the challenge.

That’s the sad excitement of this relationship.

Yeah I’d just block him and move on. Men are shallower than a puddle on a hot day, he thought he’d get away with but didn’t. If he’d got away with it he wouldn’t be sorry.

@Pumkinsareshortlived

We were together four years before this happened. Please don't tell me this wasn't much. I know it wasn't but it was for me. It was the happiest time of my life.

No kids.

The inappropriate friendship went on 6 weeks.

The affair went on 8 weeks.

The harrassment from her afterwards went on 7 months. I still shake if my phone rings.

The phase where he defended her went on about 4 months.

The phase where he seemed desperate for her like a crack addict went on about 3 months (this was by far the most traumatising element)

I left 9 months ago but have been in contact most of that time.

I can't understand how to feel better because what makes me feel completely unbearable agony isn't the affair. Or missing him. Or the life I lost. Although all that is bearable.

The part that makes me feel almost like I can't breathe is the bit where it becomes psychologically abnormal and my brain cannot grasp onto anything that makes sense.

He had an affair with someone, who he clearly and evidently did not want to be with (if he had wanted to he could have been).

He had an affair with someone who was overtly abusive to us both, and very frightening. I don't believe he was faking being scared of her, he was definitely terrified.

And whilst she was simultaneously scaring the shit out of us and we were trying to get away, he also was pining for her, defending her and at one point genuinely acting desperate- like he'd die if he couldn't see her. He acted insane.

This is the part that still leaves me with night terrors that make me wake up screaming. This is the part that's peft me so traumatised I can't trust anybody.

If he'd left me for an affair partner it would have hurt, but it would have made sense. The best sense he's ever been able to offer me is that he said it was like a dopamine and terror cycle.

He said it wasn't about sex, it was about the love bombing that was extremely intense, which she'd alternate with terror. And he said his brain came to associate her with the only thing that could make his anxiety stop.

Which still doesn't make sense to me and also confuses me because why didn't he just get the dopamine from me?

I don't want counselling or dating or to do nice things for myself because I'm still trapped jn the confusion and trauma.

@MsDogLady this is my first thread so that isn't me. Comforting on some level to feel I'm not alone though.

@Jonti23 I've met his parents lots of times. They are sweet, kind and a bit unemotional. Sort of detached whereas mine are more warm.

You're right, I feel like to him, the freaky emotional rollercoaster was mistaken for being loved. What was interpreted by me as really obvious unhealthy drama, was interpreted very different by him. At least back then.

If he's codependent, he's the taker. He's definitely not the giver. He has avoidant attachment. I had secure attachment but as a result of all this I can't attach to anything anymore.

She didn't just tell me they were having an affair. She went out of her way throughout to give me as much pain as she could, over and over. I hand on heart believe her objective was to get me to kill myself, which she almost succeeded at.

It just sounds like he was feeding you a lot of bullshit the whole time. He could’ve stopped it at any point but just didn’t want to, he was enjoying the drama with him in the middle. Sick.

I agree with this.

It doesn’t make sense because many of the things he has told you and the narrative he has put forward to you is likely not true, half true or full of minimisation and/or exaggeration. Basically the version you have been given from him could very well be far from the truth which is why it doesn’t make sense. I know you have had contact with this OW, read messages between them and witnessed awful behaviour from her but that still doesn’t mean the overall picture you have is the absolute truth. You weren’t present during the cheating, their private conversations and you will never know what really went on between them before all the drama started. You may think you have the full picture but it’s extremely rare that the cheated on spouse knows the real truth. They’ll only know what the cheater wants them to know.

You can’t trust anything he says so you won’t get any clarity or closure from him and while you continue to have contact with him this will just consume you even further. You really need to block him and then start to figure out how to heal and rebuild with him completely out of your life.

Sounds to me he’s trying eat his cake and have it.

I second you should concentrate on yourself and try some counselling.

@Cathereen I am so very very sorry for what you have had to go through.

Some things that stand out to me from you post are that I think he’s had such extreme reactions to the behaviour of the OW that somehow he has become the victim and not you! You must be such a lovely person to have worried so much about him when you were hurting so intensely yourself, but this worry for him seems to have prevented you from really processing all that has happened and so your mind is still stuck there wondering WTF and in a way despite your physical actions of moving away etc your brain in still playing catch up. Essentially you have been in pure survival mode, you have simply done what you needed to do to get by and there really hasn’t been much time for anything else.

I think given all that has happened you are wondering why you still give so much thought and headspace to him. Quite frankly the physical cheating seems to be the least of the issues, it seems to be more about what has happened since. He has continually hurt and betrayed you at every turn and his actions, words and feelings just haven’t matched up for you. Says he doesn’t want to be with her but misses her, defends her despite his fear and the terrible things she must have said and done to you, he should have been defending you, and the begging your forgiveness and asking you to stay whilst simultaneously refusing to break all contact with her.

It’s clear that you have a little too much sympathy for him and I think that’s because it’s clear to you that this OW has done an absolute number on him, but the thing is, is he has done an absolute number on you too! You are the victim here! You are completely innocent in all that has transpired, whilst he may be a victim to her he went into it willingly. He obviously didn’t expect all this fall out, but he knowingly and intentionally cheated on you and repeatedly so. No he probably didn’t ever intend on leaving you for her but what happened here wasn’t a momentary lapse in judgment for him, he willingly allowed this woman into his life and by extension into yours and the consequences have been very severe indeed, and while this OW may be a narcissist and abusive the blame lays solely and squarely at his feet and his alone! Had he been completely true and faithful to you no amount of luring this woman could have done would have turned his head, she didn’t trick him…he went willingly and as hurtful as that may be it’s the truth. None of this would have happened to you if it wasn’t for him, and because of him your whole life has been ripped apart. The fact that he is very sorry doesn’t make any of this any less true and there is nothing he can ever do or say to make this go away, or make it any better and you will wear the scars of this for life.

The magnitude of all this, it’s twist and turns and complexity must be unfathomable and so far away from the man you loved and thought you knew for 4 years before all this devastation he has caused. I think if you haven’t had any yet you would benefit a lot from some counselling because there is so much for you to process here and I think you need time to do that and to heal without worrying or feeling sympathy for him, you need all of that for yourself. 💐

Once the trust as gone there is no relationship.
Gather your friends and family around you for support.. .
Get some counselling.
You were on the way to recovery until he got in touch.
From past experience the only way is no contact unless kids involved.
Heal yourself.
Put yourself first.
Start seeing more friends.
Do whatever you need to do.. but block him on every level from your life .
Good luck.

@Lillygolightly thank you for your post which I read while almost shouting "Yes! Exactly". Somehow he did become the victim, or at the very least mentally unfit to provide me with what justice I deserved.

If nothing else, how do you scream and shout at someone who's just left mental health care? You can't. I've felt like all of it was an injustice but the worst injustice was being robbed of even the opportunity to rage and come first.

Yes, my worry for him did trump everything else and although he's lost his life and wellbeing too, it was him who did this. Nobody asked me. I feel like my rapist got off on a please of insanity if that makes sense. Unfit to stand trial.

All I could do was leave. Limp off. And I did remain unable to process it. I still can't. I can't see any way I can.

Quite frankly the physical cheating seems to be the least of the issues, it seems to be more about what has happened since. He has continually hurt and betrayed you at every turn and his actions, words and feelings just haven’t matched up for you. Says he doesn’t want to be with her but misses her, defends her despite his fear and the terrible things she must have said and done to you, he should have been defending you, and the begging your forgiveness and asking you to stay whilst simultaneously refusing to break all contact with her

Exactly. I barely even think about the actual cheating, but the betrayal in so many ways since absolutely haunts me.

there is nothing he can ever do or say to make this go away, or make it any better and you will wear the scars of this for life

Exactly. I feel like I was handed a life sentence for a crime I didn't commit. The part that I'd hardest for me is that there was actually quite a lot he could have done to make it better, but he decided his withdrawal symptoms from whatever the heck that was were more important.

The magnitude of all this, it’s twist and turns and complexity must be unfathomable and so far away from the man you loved and thought you knew for 4 years before all this devastation he has caused

Yes. I thought it was impossible he'd ever do these things and I thought it was impossible my life ended up being this.

I might get counselling down the road. Right now I just feel like locking the world out, which I'd mostly okay. I get up. I do things I'm meant to. I come home and pass the time on activities that make it impossible to think. I just don't really want to engage other people or think about tackling what's locked up inside.

You might be in too deep to see it, but you're doing that exact weird, inexplicable thing you accused him of. Being unable to detach and move on from the fucked up person who hurt you. Please make blocking him your very next step. It might take awhile before you can move forward, but I really think that no good will come to you until he's out of your life completely.