Please help me cope (cheating)

[Cathereen]

I feel such immense anguish I just can't cope with it and I don't really have anybody to talk to.

I loved him so much. I trusted him so much. And he cheated on me and blew our lives apart.

I got his phone and read the full communication of the whole thing because obviously I don't believe a word he says anymore and this is how it went.

She was a neighbour and acquaintance. He started spending regular time with her because she joined a local club where he was one of only a few members, and he says he liked her because she was friendly and nice to him.

They started having chats - not about anything too deep and meaningful - but just long chats at the pub after their club finished. He said he didn't think there was anything wrong with it because he didn't fancy her and didn't think she fancied him either.

She was always flattering him and feigning interest in his interests and so on and he said he doesn't really have any friends so he liked that.

That had gone on for about six weeks when I went away for three months for work. Knowing I was away, she messaged him and said she'd cook for him because she loved cooking and drop it off.

So she brought him over food, and the again, and then started bringing over wine so they eat and chat. When i went over this with him he swears he didn't think of it as an affair because he was not sexually attracted to her and just enjoyed chatting. It turned out they had both experienced childhood abuse and bonded over that.

She was definitely the aggressor. Being very flirty and flattering him like mad over texts and his replies were very brusque. Then they got drunk and he had sex with her.

Her story is that they were alone and suddenly leapt on each other in a passionate clinch like Mills and Boon.

His story is that he was pissed and she started touching his dick.

No idea what's true.

He told her afterwards it was a huge mistake and she messaged him saying she was crying and devastated and could she come over to talk. They got drunk and had sex again.

He repeated this several times. The gist was him saying it had to stop but then agreeing to let her come over because she was upset. Obviously he must have known what was going to happen the minute he let her in the door but he said she was threatening to call me and he was terrified.

Her messages are really bunny boiler for want of a kinder term. She's 12 years his senior, newly divorced and quite well known locally as a lush to a point of falling off bar stools. At neighbourhood events she's always smashed, falling over and being overtly sexual with every man who goes near her.

Anyway, after the sex had gone on for about two weeks and happened three times, she was saying she loved him 😒 There was often about 18 missed calls from her at 3am, and I read messages that showed she'd frequently showed up crying on the front doorstep demanding he let her in.

The messages described her trying to lock him in her bathroom to stop him leaving her house, as well as him calling the police because she was at our house and wouldn't leave. Really unpleasant and he was asking her to leave him alone. Then she would threaten him with various things (calling me, telling his work etc)

Then the next day she would send sweet messages apologising and asking to make it up to him but they were also laced with threats and during this time he got so stressed that he had to take sick leave. Which he never does!

I am no saying this because he's my partner, but reading those messages it looked to me that he'd been emotionally abused by a highly skilled manipulator who was using love bombing mixed with terror and threats. Reading them made me actually pity him.

This went on for a couple of months. She told him she'd always been in love with him, and asked him to leave me and he said no. So the day I got home she wrote me a letter and put it in the letterbox telling me everything. After that I got his phone and pieced together the whole story.

The way he acted isn't a person I recognise. She's not the type of person he'd usually give the time of day to. I am still in complete shock. I understand she flattered him and so on, but I just can't believe he's such a cliche.

We begged me not to leave and cried and apologised for months. He started seeing a counsellor to work through the character flaws that led to his choices and he was crying almost constantly to a point I was more worried about him than myself. He said he felt nothing for her, which I believed based on the messages I read.

But she wouldn't leave us alone. Letters constantly through the door. Harassing me by phone. We had to leave social media and change numbers. I honestly thought one of us would have a heart attack or stroke from the strain of it. He seemed genuinely scared of her to an abnormal level.

But despite this, he kept on breaking his promise of no contact with her, which he framed as "placating" her or "giving her what she needed to move on". Being being furious, I really couldn't understand it because we agreed he wouldn't speak to her at all, but he kept saying she was a nice person (yes, the lady I've just described) and that she was vulnerable and that it was all his fault that she was in such state (she'd told him this).

She got into an affair with an attached man who pretty told her he wasn't interested in a romantic relationship with her, but somehow she had very powerfully convinced him that it was completely his fault and she bore no responsibility at all.

So I moved out because I was so furious that he seemed reluctant to break contact and I didn't want to live in the village with her anymore. He spent weeks on end crying, saying how much he loved me and how he'd ruined his beautiful life - and he did finally stop contact with her.

Given the circumstances I expected him to be relieved, but instead he got very ill and had a complete nervous breakdown for which he was hospitalised for two weeks.

Somehow, he started telling me he missed her and that he had a compulsion to see her because she always made him feel better. He said he loved me, but she was his best friend. And at this point I started really hating him.

He decided he was confused about his feelings and while he was sure he was in love with me and not her, he was very confused about why he felt so desperate and the only way he could feel better was seeing her. Acting, I suppose, like he was in love with her.

He got a little better and said he didn't feel like that anymore and didn't understand why he thought he did. He moved to another area to nearby me, he said in the hope hed be able to repair all the damage. He's been having more therapy and they say he's traumatised. The damage was too much though and I couldn't forgive him.

I don't really know how it's possibly to type anything that conveys the anguish I feel. I had a lovely life with someone I loved so much and now it's gone and I can't understand so many things.

Why he did it
Why he found it so hard to stop despite the consequences
Why he saw her positively when she was obviously a nut
Why he cared about her feelings at my expense

Most of all why, while trying to patch things up with me, he had some kind of desperate need for another woman.

He phoned me today after a period of no contact and I realise how much trauma and anguish I'm I'm. This year has been so awful and part of me wonders why he didn't bloody marry her if she was so great.

I just don't feel I can cope anymore. I feel like just quitting my job and running away

Agree.

You have to come back from this. Leave them to the confusion and let them see how happy they really are. Would not be wasting my precious life topping myself for a bunch of nobodies. Stay strong.

Gotta block them both and tell them to fuck off whilst you are at it. No more nonsense.

Have you read How to help your spouse heal from your affair? Also Cheating in a nutshell. And The body knows the score?

I recommend you read all three ASAP. Also post on surviving infidelity website asking for help.

Emdr therapy may help you too.

I wish you all the best.

You might be in too deep to see it, but you're doing that exact weird, inexplicable thing you accused him of. Being unable to detach and move on from the fucked up person who hurt you

I think part of my process right now is learning to stand up for myself, so I'm going to say:

No - suffering agony from the breakup of a many years long relationship is NOT the same as suffering agony from stopping shagging the town drunk who you never had nor intended to have a long term committed relationship with.

No - suffering agony after extreme betrayal and trauma from someone you deeply relied upon to make you safe is NOT the same as suffering agony because you're no longer having pissed up chats with the neighbour.

No - dealing with this sort of thing is absolutely nothing similar in any way, shape or form to the selfish, self absorbed, warped gabage he did or felt.

I left him seven months ago. If he'd died (which would have been considerably easier than what he did do) nobody would imply I was having there was a problem with me that I wasn't over it 9 months later.

Sorry if this is biting your head off, but this post is probably projecting onto you anger towards him (who also thought I'd get over it)

Run of the mill, garden variety infidelity is one of the worst things you can go through. If it went on multiple times, with an emotional connection, in your own home, with someone you know and you find out from the affair partner that's the worst kind.

If your partner promises you they're working on the relationship and truly sorry, but they persist in betraying you, then it's multiple traumas.

I really don't want to be judged for not handling it well enough, not getting over it quick enough, not detaching from him with ease.

The fact I'm even still here is a miracle, and one of the main reasons I stopped communicating with my friends and family is that they just can't compute that.

Your situation has been very much on my mind. I'm confused by your last post. Is he claiming the affair is well and truly over and he expects or would like you to forgive and forget and reconcile, whilst minimising what he did to you by excusing his actions as a mere victim?

Are you considering getting back with him but can't get over what he did especially when he is still in victim mode without prioritising that your feelings should be paramount?

Please don't beat yourself up so, it takes years to get over betrayal by a loved one. You are still trying to make sense of this and deal with very raw emotions. Blow family and friends not understanding or having unlimited sympathy - nobody does until it happens to them. Many on here know exactly what you are going through so vent away.

You may not see it but you have shown great strength changing your life by moving out, reducing contact, getting on with life - your job, hobbies etc even in a half hearted way. It takes an amazing amount of courage to do this in the face of what you have been subjected to.

Be kind to yourself. Accept you can't get all the answers you need. Accept he is a weak and shallow man devoid of integrity and OW a narcissistic nutter. Tell yourself "Not my circus, not my monkeys" and grab hold of your recovery. You know you deserve so much more.

What a horrific situation OP.

One observation of this awful situation is that your relationship with him seems to have been based on or descended into a parent child relationship.

This is never a healthy dynamic and never a basis for a good long term partnership.

It feels like trauma counselling might be a good first step for you.

You need to unlock the responses you have from the memory of the situation that he created.

Had he had better boundaries, more respect for you this situation would never had happened.

Really sad and sorry to read your post OP, sorry but when i got further in to it, it reminded me of that movie 'Fatal Attraction'!!
The woman is completely nuts!

You need to go I contact completely in order to deal with everything and heal yourself, there will probably always be memories of what went on, but the bad times will pass.
I would think about some counselling for yourself when you feel ready.

And keep any good people you have in your life, around you.

Of course as the ex partner you will feel all sorts of things and when something like this happens, it will not make you feel very good, but there is nothing you could have done, he got drawn in and to an extent went along with it out of choice, but when she turned nasty he realised he was out of his depth! Again why I referred to that movie! It was exactly the same.

Take each day as it comes and focus on you and yourself/self care and love, and what you want from life.

Bravo to your last post OP. You have articulated so clearly how you are feeling and you are so right to do so.
I get it. I had a close friend who went through a very similar break up, including her cheater being so sorry then having a breakdown and being hospitalized. The ow wasn't so manipulative as in your case but even so he was still drawn back to her and it all became prolonged and so much more painful.
People expecting you to feel fine yet are wrong. You are less than a year down the line from a gruelling and traumatizing series of events which have gone on for months.
You are doing the right thing just focusing on being and getting through each day, week, month. You can't hurry this healing process. You have been utterly battered by the emotional wringer you have been through
Look after yourself. Stay no contact if you can. You will heal gradually and the questions and need to understand will get less with time, or counselling will make more sense, but I would allow yourself at least a year of gentle existence away from all of this for you to get the distance to be able to start to breathe freely again.
HTH

The part that makes me feel almost like I can't breathe is the bit where it becomes psychologically abnormal and my brain cannot grasp onto anything that makes sense.

He had an affair with someone, who he clearly and evidently did not want to be with (if he had wanted to he could have been).

He had an affair with someone who was overtly abusive to us both, and very frightening. I don't believe he was faking being scared of her, he was definitely terrified.

And whilst she was simultaneously scaring the shit out of us and we were trying to get away, he alsowas pining for her, defending her and at one point genuinely acting desperate- like he'd die if he couldn't see her. He acted insane.

If he was abused as a child it’s possible this dynamic is familiar to him - craving someone who’s abusive towards him. When you’re abused by a parent (I don’t know if this was the case for him), they’re also often the only person who has the power to make you feel truly better, which could explain why he was pining for her during his breakdown.

But none of that is your problem, and it sounds like he’d already decided to broach an affair with this woman before that even came to light. I’m so sorry you’ve been put through all of this and echo PPs that it’s probably best to go no contact. Put him and his issues aside and focus on you and your fresh start.

The reason you're not feeling better is you're still in contact with him

Being in contact with him means you are reliving it over & over again

Please do the best thing you can do for yourself & block him on everything

Then you can get on with healing from this awful experience & put yourself first

.

Oops!

@Pumkinsareshortlived It was over as soon as I found out. He just found it very difficult to detach and spoke to her many times after, despite promising not to.

He's spent months trying to get me to come back and doesn't want anything to do with her. Hes had no contact since the day I left. Despite me being gone he never went back to her.

No, he doesn't minimise it. He's pretty horrified and disgusted. He doesn't have an explanation beyond "I was not in my right mind" and he believes he was mentally ill at the time.

Thanks for the empathy. It's not really about him. I just feel so awful. It's not like sadness. It's more like a constant overwhelming anxiety and complete loss of the ability to enjoy anything.

@jeaux90 I know I need some kind of professional help. I just feel paralysed. My entire existence is just distracting myself until I fall asleep. I'm nervous all the time.

@Notquitegrownup2 was your friend okay in the end? I've got chest pains tonight from that awful feeling of doom I can't get rid of.

I do think you'd be better off having no contact at all with him - he can only set you back at this stage.

@IDriveMySupernova I don't know, but what I do know is that at the time he believed she was the only person who had the power to make him feel truly better. He genuinely believed that.

In hindsight he says he wasn't in his right mind. But the feeling of complete terror hasn't left me. I think writing this has made it worse because I generally avoid thinking about it at all.

But I don't think that's healthy either as I've almost disassociated from myself completely. I'm just not who I was.

@category12 I've never gone no contact with him because it made me feel worse. I understand that's also unhealthy. We have a strange dynamic where he's pretty much the only person I actually speak to properly now. He's the only person I feel comfortable talking to when I feel I'm in crisis. I don't feel like anyone else gets it at all.

Actually come to think of it, it was me attempting no contact the last few weeks that I think made me feel a lot worse. Although I'm not with him and I won't see him and he's not really well himself, if I am in crisis he will sit and listen to me - sometimes all night. He'll go over it again and again and just listen and offer to help. I think that has come to be a crutch for me. I don't know if I'm meant to find a counsellor and replace that role with them but I really feel pretty alone.

Yes, that's pretty unhealthy indeed. It's like a trauma bond maybe?

But I think it keeps the trauma ongoing and right in the forefront, and you're seeking understanding / comfort from the perpetrator of the pain.

And you're disconnected from people outside this bubble of trauma which means it's only itself to feed on. I think you need to try to reconnect with other people who love you even if they don't understand and get yourself some counselling.

That awful feeling is definitely the trauma bond. I've got through it myself, it takes time but it does ease & go away. Your body wants the good times with him again, you're hooked on the abuse cycle. You need to concentrate on no contact & be kind to yourself for a few weeks, it will pass

You feel unsafe because this man that you trusted to keep you safe opened the door of your life to a dangerous fucking lunatic and refused to close it. No wonder you are traumatised. EMDR can work really well for trauma, you can do it on zoom.

I’ve also got through a trauma bond. It’s incredibly difficult to begin with and I wondered how I would ever get through it. But here I am a few years later wondering why I ever gave him the time of day in the first place.

It took me about six months to shake the feeling. Counselling didn’t help me, it just made me fixate on it. I ended up joining a Meetup group which was the biggest help. Nobody knew me so it was a fresh start and a place to get away from the ‘me’ who was associated with him. I did open up about what had happened a little bit and to my surprise people were really supportive. It reminded me that I was my own person who enjoyed being around people who weren’t him and who people enjoyed being around.

You might find you have fewer crises once he’s out of your life. I know I did. You can and will get through this.

She was ok. I know that she said one turning point was visiting a GP who really validated how she was feeling. He was able to get her some counselling quite quickly. They didn't give her a miracle cure but she steadily got less panicky and stronger and was able to focus on herself and what she needed to start to rebuild her life.
HTH

@Cathereen you are amazing and articulate and I just want to give you a hug

And wine

I think her abuse is what trapped him. When a person experiences childhood abuse they try to work it out as an adult, often seeking validation of worth and love from an abusive person. Like trying to redo what went wrong in childhood hoping it turns out different this time. It's warped and confusing but happens on the regular. Your husband was victimized. I genuinely feel sorry for him as I have the same tendencies when dating- I always head straight for the guy who's just like my abusive and neglectful parents. However, he was married when he initiated this. As much as I understand and I feel bad for him, he should have gone to therapy, not the town lush. It sounds like he has a lot of mental health work to do. And now you're traumatized as well. It's so horrible you've gone through this- truly a nightmare! I hope my perspective helps you in any way. You deserve peace.