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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really don't know if I am over reacting or not. How would you feel?

29 replies

UndecidedDora · 29/02/2008 19:47

I have been with my husband almost 10 years.

I used to trust him, now Im not sure.

He works with a lot of females, younger than him. Young, free single type girls. Pretty. All around 18 years old.

He talked about one girl alot, I told him it made me uncomfatable, so he stopped.

I found her number in his mobile, no reason for him to have it really.

I found he was txting her at work, just jokes and stuff.

We are both on face book, I am his wife and hes never sent me a message , wrote on my wall, sent me a picture ect.

He stays on the PC after I go to bed.

I went on Facebook and it automatically logged in as him. I was really confused at first as I thought it was my account and was wondering who these people were.

There are LOADS of girls on there.

I thought he didnt really use facebook at all because id never recieved anything from him, I thought he had set it up and forgotten.

But hes drawn funny cartoons sent them out, writing on these girls 'walls' ect

and there are picture of him on girls profiles. Him at work with his arms around their shoulders.

I told him I had found the pics and he said 'so what'

He feels nothing is wrong.

But I have worked with alot of people and never had my phot taken with them.

I feel like 'Who are these girls?! And why do they feel they can plaster pictures of themselves with MY husband on the net?!'

I feel so shitty.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
gemmummy · 29/02/2008 19:48

no. i'd be livid.

whizz56 · 29/02/2008 19:48

what kind of work is it?

BecauseImWorthIt · 29/02/2008 19:51

You may or may not be being unreasonable - but you just don't have enough information to decide.

You are, though, understandly upset about this (as well as his behaviour, i.e. staying up on the PC).

I would suggest that you sit down and talk to him about how you feel, without being confrontational - tell him how you feel and then talk about it with him. Don't jump to conclusions, but talk it through and try and get your point across as well.

Original poster
UndecidedDora · 29/02/2008 19:54

BIWI,

Ive talked to him before about it, but he just says 'they are girls from work, thats it'.

Hes not an old perv hes in his mid twenties but I still think its inapropriate.

And I feel like a fat old hag next to these girls.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedDora · 29/02/2008 20:01

Im so angry with him

OP posts:
BecauseImWorthIt · 29/02/2008 20:02

In which case you need to get him to understand that this is making you angry/upset - and he can't just brush you off in that way.

However, it may be the case that they are just girls from work. Only you can decide if he's telling you the truth - but you will have to talk it through and make him understand that he has to convince you.

Original poster
UndecidedDora · 29/02/2008 20:05

I dont think hes 'up to anything'.

But he knows this kind of thing hurts me.

And if he found pictures of me hugging a man he would be LIVID.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndecidedDora · 29/02/2008 20:36

x

OP posts:
Disenchanted · 29/02/2008 23:05

I would be pissed off yea!

madamez · 29/02/2008 23:12

What's going on in the rest of your life? Are you a SAHM who doesn't get much in the way of adult company/conversation? Because it can be easy to feel trapped and useless and shut out of the wider world if you have nothing to focus on but what your partner is doing/not doing.

Ineedacleaner · 29/02/2008 23:18

I think the fact that he would be livid if the roles were reversed says a lot really. Not that he is up to something but that he has a huge double standard and is not very empathetic.

TBH in a similar sitaution it wouldn't bother me but it wouldn't bother DH either we are both a bit flirty by nature.

I was going to say the same as madamez actually that I think there have been times as a SAHM that I did feel a bit trapped and envious I suppose and things that wouldn't normally bother me worked me up into a frenzy.

dippydeedoo · 29/02/2008 23:25

have u sent messages to his face book?
maybe the 'fun' hes having on facebook that doesnt include you equates to you not being involved out of your own choice?

you are in your mid 20s too i suspect ....what the heck u doing getting upset over his facebook? get yourself on it get him on yours get yourself brightened up you dont NEED to compete with these younger girls you are a woman in your own right-play him at his own game but dont put yourself down hun theres too many in life who will do that-i think if there was anything 'sus' he wouldnt have it all over his facebook for all to see - dont build his ego with your insecurity ...stand tall and send some foxy pics to his face book.

im not criticizing hun ive been in this kinda situation myself(my dh was a doorman when we met and for a short time after )

go on send a message to his wall ......

postingatlast · 29/02/2008 23:31

sorry but yes you are very much over reacting and those who say you are not do not know how facebook works.

The fact is, you didn't actually need to be logged in as your DH for you to be able to see his profile, see all the linked photos, see all his wall posts, see the list of his friends. The only thing you would have access to, which you would not if you were not logged on as him, is his facebook mailbox. Seeing as you make no mention of him, I presume you didn't come across anything incriminating.

I have said this before elsewhere, Facebook is totally public. It is not the place to conceal anything whatsoever. As for him not messaging you, that is normal too. I do not interract with my DW on Facebook as I see her in real life every day. Her activities show up in my news feed, I'd even say it's a good way of snooping without snooping, IYSWIM!!

So, with regards to the FB issues, yes you are overreacting and could push your DH away if you make an issue out of this. However, Madamez is rarely wrong on these things and perhaps, as she says, the bigger issue here is how you are feeling about yourseld and how your own life is at the moment. If it is not great, this would colour your feelings on this.

Sorry if any of this was too direct.

I am a man, btw...

beaniesteve · 01/03/2008 00:03

He can't be having an affair with all of them. I have several men from my work place on my myspace, I have posted graffitti and messages on many of their walls. I have one particular close relationship with a male work coleague but it's just as friends. I talk about him all the time in front of my boyfriend because I have nothing to hide.

on the other hand I don't talk about many of the other facebook friends because they are just people I am friends with in work. Just because I have male work friends it really doesn't mean there is something going on with any of them.

as for the photographs - is he the only man they have pictures of themselves with? Are there groups of people on work outings? can they (the women) possibly be having affairs with ALL the men they have in their pictures? I doubt it.

you need to get some perspective. Your husband presumably has a whole life in which he meets a multitude of people. These include women and I think if there is no other 'evidence' to suggest an affair then you are over reacting a little.

jasper · 01/03/2008 00:11

yes you are over reacting .

Don't snoop

branflake81 · 01/03/2008 08:03

What? I don't see what he's done wrong. So he's got female friends at work who he texts? Is that really a problem? Are you not going to let him have any friends of the opporsite sex? You have to have trust and it seems to me you don't.

OverMyDeadBody · 01/03/2008 11:07

Good god girl you are over-reacting.

From your op he hasn't done anything wrong. There is nothing wrong with married men being friendly with females they work with. Nothing.

He probably feels he doesn't need to send you messages or write on your wall on facebook, you're his wife and he sees you every day!

He just sounds like a friendly nice guy, what's wrong with him having female friends (ragardless of whether they are young free and single). Maybe they see him as 'safe' as he's married and older, so are comfortable being friends with him?

As for the photos, well, lots of people pose for the camera by putting their arms around other people's shoulders.

You risk making this into a bigger deal than it is and becoming the controlling posessive wife by having a go at your H for this tbh.

OverMyDeadBody · 01/03/2008 11:12

Madamez made a good point though. Are you gealous because you perhaps don't get out to socialise as much as you'd like?

FB is harmless. Join in if you want to, but don't read too much into it all.

chinchi · 01/03/2008 11:18

I was jealous of an 18 year old girl who DH works with. She often sent him jokey texts and even once said that work was crap without him there. I went livid.

Then I met the girl and she is actually quite nice. Turns out she quite often asks how me and DS are and has no intention to get it on with DH whatsoever.

I felt daft for overreacting.

OverMyDeadBody · 01/03/2008 11:26

Good point chinchi.

Try not to see every female your dh works with as a potential threat.

morningpaper · 01/03/2008 11:37

You are over-reacting I think.

With facebook, professional boundaries and social lives blur a bit. Photos taken at work do's can be put up and cheeky messages sent - it's just an extension of office banter in an informal context. He is probably enjoying being with and socialising with his colleagues because they are young and pretty - that's just part of life! I think you need to step back a bit.

Clazz · 01/03/2008 12:00

I would feel exactly the same! Many a relationship has started out of these 'just friends' ones but not necessarily of course. It's also the thought of him having such a good, fun, carefree relationship with other women, free from all the not so good bits that exist when you are married. I guess you might want to look at your relationship and how open it is. Do you think he was hiding this from you or just didnt mention it?

littlewoman · 01/03/2008 12:16

I think this says more about your self esteem than anything. You probably feel bored and boring. Do you remember the fantastic person he fell in love with? Drag her out of the cupboard, dust her down a bit and give her a bloody good night out with him, squeezing his package at the bar, etc etc. He will be amazed and delighted that his hotty is back. Remember you're not just parents, you're a red-hot couple too!!

littlewoman · 01/03/2008 12:16

I think this says more about your self esteem than anything. You probably feel bored and boring. Do you remember the fantastic person he fell in love with? Drag her out of the cupboard, dust her down a bit and give her a bloody good night out with him, squeezing his package at the bar, etc etc. He will be amazed and delighted that his hotty is back. Remember you're not just parents, you're a red-hot couple too!!

OverMyDeadBody · 01/03/2008 12:41

Good post littlewoman.

Clazz what's so wrong with him having a good fun carefree friendship with other women? He wasn't hiding anything from the op, it was on his facebook profile, all stuff she could have seen witout logging in as him, she has a facebook account too with him as a friend. He wasn't hiding anything.

Just because you are married doesn't mean you have to stop having other social relationships with other people or a life seperate from your spouce. It's healthy to have lots of different friends from both sexes and makes you a more rounded person imo.

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