Marriage problems, sex and other issues. Please help

[changedname79]

We are having marriage problems and I'm just looking for some other perspective as I can't talk to anyone else about it except my husband and our marriage counsellor. Sorry this is a long ramble so thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it and I'd really value some other perspectives. 🙏

Background is we have been together 7 years, married 5, and have a DC age 3 who I had when I was 41. DH is a few years younger than me. We had a lockdown pregnancy and baby and I had a fairly tough experience alone in hospital without my partner allowed there and various complications, which took me a while to get over emotionally. I also had some gynae problems which weren't resolved for a long time until DS was nearly 2. I tried to have sex with DH but was in too much pain and then by the time I was better I felt lacking in confidence and sex drive.

DH was very supportive throughout the first year but then understandably wanted to get things back on track, which I do too. So that's one issue.

In the meantime he had an issue with cryptocurrency and lost thousands of pounds of our money, all our joint savings basically. He was trying to make money quick but was stupid and shortsighted about it. He then tried to make things better by taking out a loan without my knowledge. All this happened back in January. I was angry and shattered at the time and we had major crisis talks, eventually leading to us starting marriage counselling.

We got through the money issue, (not easy, lots of heartache and upset, too long to detail here) he was very remorseful and we basically planned how we could move forward with me taking over our money management for a while. I felt betrayed but knew he was sorry and that everyone makes mistakes so once the anger phase has passed I have committed to being supportive and not constantly bringing it up / throwing it back in his face etc.

So those are two of the main issues, compounded by busy lives and a very challenging 3 year old who we love to bits but who can be incredibly hard work. I have experienced a sense of loss of identity since becoming a mum, and the usual struggles around trying to be a great mum and also great at my job and running a home and feeling like a failure at everything. DH has the classic "big job" with very long hours and I work part time and care for DC part time so a lot of the life admin is on me. DH knows I do more and is happy for me to outsource things like cleaning, which I've started doing in an attempt to lighten the mental load.

As I'm now 44 I have also felt lost in myself - weight gain, lost my pre-baby fitness, struggling to fit back in at work where I work with HE students, feeling like a dinosaur with all the gender stuff at work, the world feeling not quite the same after the pandemic and coinciding with my maternity / career break, wondering if this is still right for me and where my place is. First world problems I guess, but lots to try and navigate.

DH and I have no support as we do not have parents / grandparents or wider families. It's just us - we recently found a good babysitter whom we try to book once a month. We had a lot of resentment with each other when DC was a toddler as it was hard and there was a lot of anger about who did what / whose life was hardest. I know this is common. I found it extremely hard looking after DC as soon as he was able to move as he was such a bolter and can be very challenging.

Whenever we talk about things / our marriage etc DH's first thoughts are about our sex life. He wants more sex, and he wants it more adventurous and kinky. He is saying that looking back he now thinks it was a bit vanilla even before we had DC and has been listening to various podcasts and YouTube videos on the subject of improving sex in marriage.

I feel that I am rudderless / anchorless and that I need to feel DH has my back before I can fully be vulnerable again with him. I have sex with him as I love him and I am trying to retain our intimacy and closeness, but I don't feel confident or sexy and I don't really feel like it. I do it as an act of love but not because I have any sex drive. So anything particularly hot or kinky feels impossible to me right now.

I feel we need to build on our actual relationship and closeness / trust again before I can reach that level in the bedroom. We argue over this all the time and this is the main trigger for us arguing. DH says that if our sex life was better then the rest would fall into place. I'm the other way round and feel I need more affection and general day-to-day loving-ness before sex will improve. DH is questioning whether marriage counselling is really what we need and thinks we need a sex therapist. I'm not at all comfortable with that.

I have started to feel scared that DH will look elsewhere to find what he needs sexually. He's never been unfaithful or anything but I just worry that will happen. He said he simply cannot be happy with us until the sex improves.

I feel in a corner and don't know what to do next. I've talked to him about the way I'm feeling over and over but we just don't seem to understand each others perspectives.

I love this man despite these issues, and I love our family. We adore our DC and I still have a vision of us being a happy family.

Before we had DC we never argued at all and life was harmonious. Yes we disagreed but we were generous and kind to each other. Now there is resentment and anger and anytime we argue it comes out. He is angry because he feels he spoke to me about how important sex was to him, and that I didn't respond. I feel I've tried to make an effort by having sex more frequently. Whilst he acknowledges that effort he says it's not enough for him.

I'm scared we are doomed to fail but I'm not ready to give up, as when we were at our best we were amazing.

Does anyone have any experiences similar, or any advice to share?

Thank you if you've read this far.

So you may have peri issues starting, and just the fact he took out a loan without telling you is bad, then add in the other stuff. I don’t see how you can be expected to get jiggy with him. Trust issues and resentment doesn’t make a good marriage.
I’d suggest you take some time apart, to get a clear head and see how you want the future to look.

Think about putting your son in nursery and extra day a week for a few months so you have some time for yourself and to rest. Also maybe get the babysitter once a week for a while if you can afford it to have alone adult time where you can be just a couple again. Other than that just my sympathy because it all sounds like you’ve had an incredibly hard 3 years and your other half has let you down

Thanks. Maybe more alone time would be good. I really don't think time apart is what we need - I think that would only make things worse.

It’s a lot OP, no wonder you’re feeling the way you do.

I am like you in that I need the day to day to be good and a little non-sexual intimacy in order to have the physical intimacy.
I also discovered my DH had hidden money issues from me (racking up debt rather than building savings for the things we had planned) and it does of course have an impact on your relationship because you feel betrayed and angry.

Your DH sounds like he’s way too focused on what he wants rather than what the relationship needs in order to thrive. It’s not like you’re not having sex at all, so I think you need to have an open conversation with him about how he’s expecting a lot from you given all of the issues and how you’re feeling in yourself, and ask him to think how he would feel if he couldn’t have sex because of ED for example, and you kept putting pressure on him.

Men do tend to feel pushed out when children come along and it is important to make time for your relationship and show that you still love him and want that connection with him. With him being younger he’s also possibly freaking out that his sex life is never going to get better, only worse. But he’s going about it the wrong way.
Have you discussed the sex side of things in counselling? It may be worth doing so that they can help him to understand what is needed in order to develop the level of intimacy that he wants.

Definitely do make more time for yourselves, put DC in nursery the odd extra day and tell DH to book the day off so you can spend time together, it will help build the intimacy if you’re spending nice quality time together. Then it could build to you having days off spent in the bedroom (or wherever it is your DH thinks will give him more of a kick - within reason)

I’m no LTB, but I wish I could give your husband’s head a big wobble. I’m sorry that with all that’s going on all he seems to bang on about is kinky sex. I was in a relationship where the crux of all was sex for him. I was bullied into caper I had no interest in at all, just to keep him happy. Which of course failed miserably. He also blew all our money on nefarious ghastliness and whilst yours may not have blown it all on such, the principle is not a million miles away. He took your security and did what he wanted with it without your knowledge. He also has the ‘big’ job. Like mine. Earnings well into 6-figures. These men are an entitled type. You’re vulnerable, and frankly I don’t think he cares too much about that. He just wants you back online. He may have been amazing when all was cool, but true amazing is kindness and care when the vagaries of life hit. And even though he caused a good chunk of your problems he seems not to be that. So have a good think about what you want. You may not be able to have that life with him. You know that anyway, or you’d not be here :( I wish you all the very best, and I send you enormous strength. You deserve loyalty and kindness and love. Not an egotistical hard-on who wants to spank you every night.

Kinky/adventurous sex will not improve your marriage given that the issues you describe are much more related to trust and emotional security. A good relationship is usually the foundation for an enjoyable sex life not the other way round. Given your husband is now questioning your sex life prior to dc, perhaps what he has been looking at online is more than youtube videos? His suggestion of a sex therapist when there are clearly other issues would really turn me off to be honest.

OK so here’s what is happening:

Him: I’m unhappy and I want more and better and different sex.

You: OK so for me to be able to do that I need us to have more quality time, a good connection, some rest and more support.

Him: No. Just do the sex.

It’s baffling to me that a man can want sex, be told exactly what a woman needs so that he can get the sex, but say no!

Is he always so selfish? He needs to stop thinking with his penis and look at the bigger picture. You are a person with your own needs and wants, and they are valid and important- more important than his penis frankly. If he can’t comprehend this then I think you’ll be fighting a losing battle. I certainly couldn’t be married to someone who completely dismissed my needs, didn’t listen or care, and just wanted me to service his sexual wants.

He needs to realise that he’ll get out what he puts in. He doesn’t get to dictate what you do. If he wants more and different sex, he does what you need him to do to get it. He’s being a shortsighted, selfish idiot.

I really feel for you.

When you have that much going on I understand not wanting sex.

It's very common, particularly in the early years with kids.

I do, however, also understand a husbands perspective of not wanting no sex for the rest of their lives.

However, no, I cannot agree with him on his demand for more "kinky" sex.

You're having sex with him, for him, despite the fact you don't really feel in the mood, but are doing it to show willing and get things back on track.

What effort is he putting in?

I wouldn't be pleased with his demands, but I'm not sure where you go from here. He doesn't seem willing to listen.

Your DH needs to realise he's sabotaging himself, the quickest way to fix this is for him to listen to you and do what you're actually asking for, instead of what he thinks you need. You need to very clearly tell him that what he's currently doing is having the polar opposite effect to what he's aiming for, it's pushing you away and turning you off him rather than making you want more/kinkier sex.

He also needs to realise that he did the damage to the trust in your relationship and now he needs to put some work in to fix it, it won't magically repair itself. So listening to you, taking things at your pace and improving communication and non-sexual affection is the very least he should be doing. Has any of this come up in couples therapy OP?

Are you exploring these issues with your therapist?

I think it's very common for men to want sex to feel loved, and for women to feel loved before they have sex - I doubt you're alone in feeling as you do! But you need to work through this together, so that he understands your perspective and feelings - and it's probably only by talking it through with your therapist - who is (hopefully) an objective party here - that he might finally get what you've been saying.

Listening to everything you've described, though, it sounds to me like you also need to be seeing a therapist on your own, to help you find your way 'back' into your life, IYSWIM.

Yes we are both seeing a therapist solo, and we are having couples therapy.

I just wanted to clarify the timeline of things as it has a bearing on our disagreements. He raised the issue of our sex life at the new year. He said he felt very vulnerable sharing with me how unhappy he was and that it took a great deal of courage to open up to me about it. I listened to everything and was vocally supportive. I said I'd think about things and that I had heard him that sex was so important to him. (At that stage we had been having sex only sporadically).

I then sat on that information and in my own way I was thinking about it and building up the energy to start to improve our sex life. We went in a short holiday in January and ended up having huge rows as he was angry that no change had started to happen after how much he's opened up to me. The rows were awful and the worst we've ever had before or since. He had really hoped (I think) there'd be this overnight change in our sex life, but for me I was dealing with all the other issues, my own depression etc that I have mentioned so it wasn't so easy. But he felt I had basically ignored his cry for help / his needs.

The crypto betrayal then happened later that month. DH (in awful heated moments) has said he thinks if I had "reacted differently" to the sex conversation he would never have behaved so recklessly. This makes me really angry and I feel like he is trying to blame me for his actions. He insists he is not, but says that he was so deeply unhappy about our sex life that his unhappiness influenced him.

It's all such a mess!

To me it sounds like all the effort being made is by you currently and he doesn’t care about your feelings. No doubt porn will have been involved in this new need for “adventurous” sex. What does he mean by that exactly? You never have to do what you are not comfortable with.

Blaming you for his horrendous financial decision is outrageous and I wouldn’t be getting past that.

He sounds horrible to be honest and I don’t envy you because it will always be all about him.

Yes, when I challenged him he took back the comment, but it was there in his mind.

The kinky stuff I think it's just more experimental than missionary & on top basically. I feel like it's a distraction though. I also feel like while he states these unmet needs of his it's building up an arsenal of reasons why we are not compatible / why I'm not right for him. Eg his needs are becoming more and more prioritised for him and he's saying things about how he's now focussing more in what he wants etc.

I feel like he's painting a narrative that he can throw back at me if that makes sense.

I agree. He is almost preparing himself for the script where all his woe is blamed on you. I think you need to prepare yourself for this eventuality.

I’m really sorry but I think he’s building up the excuses for leaving you.
Make sure your finances are sorted.
This doesn’t sound good.

Oh dear. In my darkest moments I do worry we will not work.

But having said all that we have had regular open conversations (following up our counselling) and he does state that he loves me and wants us to work. We've had some pretty fundamental crisis talks where we've said all sorts of truths so I don't think he's lying about that. He has no reason to lie about it and could walk away today if he chose to.

Fingers crossed for you. Don’t pander to him though. Trying to be this sex goddess when he is making little effort to meet your needs is not going to work for you.

I can't physically do it anyway - as in, it would feel so fake and like a betrayal to myself. I can only go at my own pace, plus a little bit of extra effort out of love.

I think he is plotting to leave you. Get your ducks in a row.

I would pre-empt him and dump him first.
He sounds a totally selfish arse, who regards you as merely a service human, there to provide sexual services, but with no entitlement to any needs of your own being met.
Having blown the family finances by his stupidity, he should be crawling for forgiveness, not treating you like shit. He’s beneath contempt.

I think everything is all about him and what he wants here - find your self esteem and deffo get your ducks in a row. Relationships shouldn't be this difficult! He lost loads of cash and wants you to be a sex kitten. How about no. Most women would dump a man for a lot less than this. Seriously get rid. This is not love.

Does he not realise that kinky sex involves a lot of trust between 2 people?

I disagree that he is plotting to leave you. If that were the case he would have mentioned something about it even in passing, and he hasn't done that even when they have been having massive, sleep-deprived rows.

It does sound like you are doing all the work in trying to improve things. Men needing sex for love and women needing love for sex is a tale as old as time, and the only way to solve it is to meet in the middle. You have indicated you are willing to take on board why he has been upset, but he doesn't really sound like he is budging that much. The complaint about the kinkiness of the sex is such a massive mistake from him as well and extremely I considerate.

Maybe you can explain to him that if you are going to get to a better place you need to meet in the middle. For you that's trying to be more tactile and attentive to him even when you feel like a vessel to serve a toddler, and for him that's paying attention to your feelings, asking about your day, and showing that the most important thing for him is that you feel comfortable with intimacy rather than going straight for bedroom acrobatics

... but don't feel that you have to partake of bedroom acrobatics if you don't want to!

@YRGAM thanks, yes I think you hit the nail on the head. Our two positions can only mean compromise, but I fail to see where it's happening on his part. He of course would say he spends his life compromising as he's not having the sex life he desires. He also does work very hard and earns way more than me, enabling us to live in a nice area, plus he supported me to take a 3 month sabbatical for my mental health (years ago), and so i think he thinks I'm getting the best deal and he's getting nothing.