Marriage problems, sex and other issues. Please help

[changedname79]

We are having marriage problems and I'm just looking for some other perspective as I can't talk to anyone else about it except my husband and our marriage counsellor. Sorry this is a long ramble so thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it and I'd really value some other perspectives. 🙏

Background is we have been together 7 years, married 5, and have a DC age 3 who I had when I was 41. DH is a few years younger than me. We had a lockdown pregnancy and baby and I had a fairly tough experience alone in hospital without my partner allowed there and various complications, which took me a while to get over emotionally. I also had some gynae problems which weren't resolved for a long time until DS was nearly 2. I tried to have sex with DH but was in too much pain and then by the time I was better I felt lacking in confidence and sex drive.

DH was very supportive throughout the first year but then understandably wanted to get things back on track, which I do too. So that's one issue.

In the meantime he had an issue with cryptocurrency and lost thousands of pounds of our money, all our joint savings basically. He was trying to make money quick but was stupid and shortsighted about it. He then tried to make things better by taking out a loan without my knowledge. All this happened back in January. I was angry and shattered at the time and we had major crisis talks, eventually leading to us starting marriage counselling.

We got through the money issue, (not easy, lots of heartache and upset, too long to detail here) he was very remorseful and we basically planned how we could move forward with me taking over our money management for a while. I felt betrayed but knew he was sorry and that everyone makes mistakes so once the anger phase has passed I have committed to being supportive and not constantly bringing it up / throwing it back in his face etc.

So those are two of the main issues, compounded by busy lives and a very challenging 3 year old who we love to bits but who can be incredibly hard work. I have experienced a sense of loss of identity since becoming a mum, and the usual struggles around trying to be a great mum and also great at my job and running a home and feeling like a failure at everything. DH has the classic "big job" with very long hours and I work part time and care for DC part time so a lot of the life admin is on me. DH knows I do more and is happy for me to outsource things like cleaning, which I've started doing in an attempt to lighten the mental load.

As I'm now 44 I have also felt lost in myself - weight gain, lost my pre-baby fitness, struggling to fit back in at work where I work with HE students, feeling like a dinosaur with all the gender stuff at work, the world feeling not quite the same after the pandemic and coinciding with my maternity / career break, wondering if this is still right for me and where my place is. First world problems I guess, but lots to try and navigate.

DH and I have no support as we do not have parents / grandparents or wider families. It's just us - we recently found a good babysitter whom we try to book once a month. We had a lot of resentment with each other when DC was a toddler as it was hard and there was a lot of anger about who did what / whose life was hardest. I know this is common. I found it extremely hard looking after DC as soon as he was able to move as he was such a bolter and can be very challenging.

Whenever we talk about things / our marriage etc DH's first thoughts are about our sex life. He wants more sex, and he wants it more adventurous and kinky. He is saying that looking back he now thinks it was a bit vanilla even before we had DC and has been listening to various podcasts and YouTube videos on the subject of improving sex in marriage.

I feel that I am rudderless / anchorless and that I need to feel DH has my back before I can fully be vulnerable again with him. I have sex with him as I love him and I am trying to retain our intimacy and closeness, but I don't feel confident or sexy and I don't really feel like it. I do it as an act of love but not because I have any sex drive. So anything particularly hot or kinky feels impossible to me right now.

I feel we need to build on our actual relationship and closeness / trust again before I can reach that level in the bedroom. We argue over this all the time and this is the main trigger for us arguing. DH says that if our sex life was better then the rest would fall into place. I'm the other way round and feel I need more affection and general day-to-day loving-ness before sex will improve. DH is questioning whether marriage counselling is really what we need and thinks we need a sex therapist. I'm not at all comfortable with that.

I have started to feel scared that DH will look elsewhere to find what he needs sexually. He's never been unfaithful or anything but I just worry that will happen. He said he simply cannot be happy with us until the sex improves.

I feel in a corner and don't know what to do next. I've talked to him about the way I'm feeling over and over but we just don't seem to understand each others perspectives.

I love this man despite these issues, and I love our family. We adore our DC and I still have a vision of us being a happy family.

Before we had DC we never argued at all and life was harmonious. Yes we disagreed but we were generous and kind to each other. Now there is resentment and anger and anytime we argue it comes out. He is angry because he feels he spoke to me about how important sex was to him, and that I didn't respond. I feel I've tried to make an effort by having sex more frequently. Whilst he acknowledges that effort he says it's not enough for him.

I'm scared we are doomed to fail but I'm not ready to give up, as when we were at our best we were amazing.

Does anyone have any experiences similar, or any advice to share?

Thank you if you've read this far.

It's your fault he blew all your money on crypto, how long before it's your fault he had an affair?

Tell him you'll be happy to have adventurous sex when he's repaid all the family money he stole. Wanker.

Whilst I agree with pp, I think the fact he communicated is a plus.

How many times do we read the impact of someone not communicating. I would raise your concerns in couples therapy to give you both a fighting chance.

I am not ignoring his mistakes but I do think where someone tells us their needs/wants rather than bailing shows a desire to make it work.

@Sensibletrousers nailed it. You have told him exactly what he needs to do, to get what he wants. Resentment, feelings of mistrust and anger are just NOT things that get most women in the mood for “kinky sex”. Frankly, neither is blowing all the joint savings!!! He needs to put the work in, to get the result he wants and make it work for both of you. Right now, he’s told you what he wants and he expects you to supply it, immediately. Relationships just don’t work like that!!

This is really wise, and beautifully-put

Has your husband discussed how kinky sex would improve things? What happens if you try something and it fails? Wouldn't that just make things worse? Simple romantic gestures, handholding, compliments, appreciation, helping out in the house, going on walks or date nights are essential to rekindle love and sensuality. Simply having more sex won't help. He needs to be mature and understand that this issue is much deeper and will take time, given the money loss situation.
In terms of yourself, perhaps join a fitness or dance class, eat healthy, take yourself out for a coffee,so that you can feel good about yourself and be out and about. Its important to focus on your self-esteem and confidence too.

To add, I see that you work in HE. If you feel out of place regarding work related stuff, speak to your line manager and colleagues. Perhaps update your training, attend relevant workshops to familiarise yourself with the changes. Again, you need to take steps to improve your confidence.

Are you the OP who has posted many many times about your arsehole doctor husband?
Just leave him.

It’s important to use the right words. You are minimising by saying he had an issue with crypto.

When you were very vulnerable with health problems after the birth of your child he made the decision to betray you and financially abuse you. He financially abused you again when he took out a loan without your knowledge. He stole your savings and the security those savings offered you.

And now he’s sexually coercing you into doing kinky things you don’t want to do.

It sounds like he is using the kinky sex theme to further emotionally abuse you by constantly arguing about it.

Get your ducks in a row op. Your financially incompetent husband has an agenda. And it’s not a nice one.

He has simply gotten to the point that his resentment at the lack of sex and on top of that the kind of sex he wants has become so deep seated that he is just unwilling to do what you have told him you require in order to be able to give him what he wants. For him, giving you what you need (even if it is in order to get what he wants) is like him handing you the win in a fight, he sees it as him giving in or rolling over and somehow accepting defeat. How conscious he is of this I don’t know, but he certainly feels entitled to be getting what he wants before you get what you need no matter how irrational or unfair that may be.

I am not saying what he feels is correct, far from it, but it’s very typical for deeply held resentments to cause this kind of road block to conciliation. Kind of a bit like when both parties need to apologise but one party won’t say it until the other says it first. I’m sorry to boil it down so crudely but I think this at the crux of his behaviour and it’s rubbing off on you because your post is 99% about what he wants and hardly at all about you want or need, and when you have mentioned that it has only been in relation to you being able to give him what he needs.

As my straight talking old nana used to say: he can want in one hand and shit in the other and see which fills up quickest with an attitude like that.

I don't see a future for your relationship. He is demanding and uncaring. You deserve better x

Yes I can see that it's a positive that he was honest about, although he lied by omission with the crypto and so I feel the trust needs building. I don't think there's anything wrong with declaring our wants and needs - in fact I think that's really important- but he needs to meet me halfway.

Thanks @Fiery30 all really helpful practical advice.

@HerMammy no, my DH is in financial sector.

Thanks, this is really insightful. I think that's where we are at a stalemate. Hopefully counsellor will be able to help with this.

I lost any sympathy for your DH (which was already close to zero) when I read your post re him blaming his financial recklessness on you. You need to have the mental space to work out what you want. Use childcare, cleaners, whatever your (damaged) financial set up can accommodate.

The deceit around crypto was a huge trust breaker. Not the loss or associated stupidity; his deceitful, selfish, ego driven and disrespectful behaviour (which led to a negative lasting consequence for you all).

There's other stuff you've posted which makes me angry on your behalf but in a nutshell, men need to stop climbing on their wife's shoulders to shimmy up the "big job" ladder...then treating them like a bit of low value, potentially replaceable, used maintenance equipment.

I identified closely with a lot of the issues you mention with respect to motherhood related life changed by the way. ❤️

Thank you @FrontEnd I appreciate your comments. Yes, the crypto thing I have rather glossed over in the OP, simply because it was so huge and nearly split us and there's so much that's happened. We literally sat on a bench at the end and decided if we could go back. It was awful and I spent a lot of time hurting. We have confronted much of this in our counselling and DH has been having solo therapy to explore this addictive behaviour / thrill seeking. He also spoke to a gambling charity and took practical steps to show me he wouldn't and couldn't do that with our money again. All of this took place over months.

Aside from the pain and hurt he has caused he has also set us back financially which he is fully aware of and he has suffered materially as well as our relationship so in a way I feel more ok about this problem because I do see that he has learnt from it.

I am more feeling bad over the sex life stuff because I feel I don't know how to move forward.

I’m not sure I see it in the same way.

The op and her dh are both representive of fundamental differences between men and women when it comes to sex.

A man generally gets close to a woman and stress relief through having sex but a women needs to feel safe and not stressed before she feels confident and comfortable having sex.

^^ Before anyone screams at me for being sexist, I am of course speaking in very general terms; and there are very many different female/male variations along a spectrum.

Also op (and you obviously don’t have to answer this!). but is your dh any good in bed? Do your orgasm with him?

Many women don’t like having sex with their partners bc even in this enlightened age men are welded to the view that penetrative sex is the be all and end all of conjugal relations and they don’t place any importance on their female partners reaching orgasm through non penetrative sex first. There’s something about the way you have written about your dh that leads me to think he’s not very generous in bed….

Or he could be great in bed but your inner resentment about him frittering away your savings and not putting in enough effort with your three year old is hitting an “unsafe” red button in your head which means that understandably you aren’t able to relax with him sufficiently to feel turned on by him any more.

A good marriage counsellor should be getting to the root of these issues.

He thinks "everything else will just fall into place" if you just give him the sex he wants? He's yet another deluded man who only cares about HIS happiness. I bet he's been watching youtube videos etc about how men deserve the sex life they desire. Either you give it to him as he wants it, or it'll be "your fault" op when he cheats. He's already been an immature twat and blamed his own idiotic financial failures on you. He'll blame the affair on you too, these kind of men ALWAYS do. It's never their fault, if only the wife had just given him the sex HE deserved! Etc.

@Honitonhorses875 your post is true as well - about the way he abs I feel about sex. I need to feel relaxed and confident - which is not happening at all for me right now.

That's why I've tried to compromise and meet in the middle but he wants it to be better!

He is very open to satisfying me and wants us to talk about what I like etc so I think he'd love the opportunity- the problem is I just don't feel sexy or like sex right now, and I'm not fussed about orgasming. For him sex is the be all and end all and right now I'm just meh. I used to like it before DC but perhaps my age or just life got in the way.

@Honitonhorses875 but you kind of make my point for me except instead of painting the resentment on his side your are putting it on the OP’s. The difference being is she has already gone to great lengths to make reparations to their sex life (and some of those initial issues were physical and beyond her control at the time, she wasn’t withholding sex she was just unable) she has told him what she needs in order to be able to give him what he says he wants, it is him refusing to do that, not her which why I deduced resentment being held more on his side than hers.

As far as I can see from what OP has explained, is that she has already done everything she can, she has forgiven him for a major betrayal which lead to a huge financial set back, she has physically recovered from a traumatic birth and is making the concerted effort to have regular sex, even when she doesn’t want to all out of love for this man to try and make him happy. She is offering to do what he wants, has repeatedly expressed to him what she needs in order to able to give him what he says he wants, but he will not do it. He is the stumbling block here, and I think his resentment is the reason.

We are on the same page Lillygolightly I totally agree it’s op making all of the compromises and adjustments and he is only thinking about himself. I didn’t meant to imply that her possible resentment of him was unjustified; it totally is!

Can you answer one question which I will ask you now please -

Without sex and without touching each other physically - no contact -hug ,kiss embrace ,can you both sir and talk like friends without getting emotional?

No use in cribbing and spending energy towards guilt or remorse.

Your husband is trying his lucky with your family money is crap to be honest.

Please try doing what I say and then see...

I feel you may cab become stronger more.lota of love.