My mother

[CinnabarRed]

TLDR: DM favours DB, and it still hurts even as I near 50.

DF wasn’t a very nice man at all. He was selfish, self-centred, incredibly tight with money, and generally horrible to DB. I was very much his golden child. DM responded by spending a great deal of time with DB.

DF died when I was 16 and DB was 13 (suicide), which screwed up DB and, to a slightly lesser extent, DM. I threw myself into my GCSEs and then A-Levels, and coped. DM married my DSF when I was 18, moving us as a family away from
mu hometown just as I was leaving for uni. DM and DB remain very close.

I have been successful professionally. Less so personally. I have two failed marriages, but three DCs who I love very much (all from marriage 2). I have a cordial relationship with XH2, but I’m not in a relationship and there’s no real prospect that I ever will be again.

DM and DSF never call me. Never invite me and my DCs round - I have to ask. Never texts me unless I text first. DM texts DB multiple times every day. DB and DSIL have recently had a baby, and DM is besotted. In a way she never was with
my DCs.

DM and DSF have recently become aware of how much I earn (DSF has a medical issue, and I paid for his treatment because it really couldn’t wait). For a brief period they were in regular contact, but when the crisis had past it went back to how it was.

Now DM has asked for help to go private for a minor procedure. It’s not urgent urgent, but will improve the quality of her life. She’s been on the NHS waitlist for 6 months, with no progress. I said yes, of course. Anyway, I transferred the money to them this week so they could get her booked in for early September, which they’ve done.

And now, just as before, they’ve gone back to not texting or calling.

I’m so hurt. I’ve always known that DB was favoured, but it’s just so fucking stark now money is involved. It’s like my worth to DM is only based on what I can buy for her.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread. Probably only to talk because I don’t have anyone IRL.

That's shit, I'm sorry.

I don't have any advice, other than, don't give them money again. If they ask again, say no and explain why. Then go low or no contact.

It's a horrible situation. I'm a little similar but not that extreme. I moved far away and try to make my life as full as possible without them.

You need to find acceptance, but that is hard.

Thank you for replying. It means a lot to me. It’s very lonely sometimes - with no meaningful adult family and no relationship. So you taking the time to write touches me.

I think it’s very difficult having a mother is is very indifferent to your very existence. The woman carried you for nine months and yet the love you crave is missing. It think it’s even harder when that same mother was able to have that mother child bond with a sibling. I think you subconsciously internalise it as your fault.

I think to move on you need to accept a few things.

1. you can’t change her she is who she is.
2. This isn’t your fault
3. You tried keeping the relationship going it isn’t working for you.

I still sometimes crave having a mother who gives a shit about e and the grandchildren, but it doesn’t hurt as much anymore.

You sound a lovely person.
I suspect your DM see you as a coper and not someone who needs attention.
She has a strong bond with her son as they went through the same thing together with your F.
Maybe you need to open up a bit to your mother otherwise she simply may not be aware. You have nothing to lose. If this fails then acceptance is the only way forward.
Try and make some friends so you do have a network around you. Joi a walking group or take up a hobby. I wish you the best of luck.

Aw @CinnabarRed , think of all your accomplishments. You've done amazing with what you've been given.

You don't actually need anyone (like your DM and DB NEED each other). Although it would be nice to have someone, you are strong and independent. I think that's a great thing, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

I don't have any other advice, but I'm glad I could make you feel a smidge better.

It's a rough feeling, especially coming from your DM. My DSis was my best friend until I came into money and realised that she only sees me now as an ATM. It fucking hurt.

You’re right, I am independent and a coper. I just wish that just occasionally someone would look after me.

Tell them straight how you feel. And that your fathers behaviour was not your fault.

Thank you @littleripper. I’ve told them
in the past that I’d like them to take more initiative for staying in touch. It made no difference. And they’re not busy. DM rarely leaves the house because of a chronic medical condition; the high point of DSF’s week is going to Tesco’s on a Tuesday - he’s organised his shopping list by aisle (and gets cross if the supermarket ever rearranges itself). They once didn’t reply to my increasingly frantic texts for almost a week because DM had “dropped her Apple stylus down the side of her chair and they couldn’t retrieve it”.

The money thing is more recent - they last month or so.

Donate some cash to an animal charity op. Much more appreciated and deserving imo. Your family are awful. And users.

I am nc with my dps. Mourn the dm you wished you had and step away.... For your own good.

Know the feeling, @CinnabarRed know the feeling (great name BTW). Painful as it is to have the scales fall from your eyes about your real worth to your family, at least they have and you know not to be suckered in again.

Are you going to inherit from such a horrible selfish woman? If answer is “yes” I would continue helping her, If answer is “no” I would go no contact with her. She’s had little to no compassion for you I don’t understand why you need to have compassion for her AND the step dad? WTF 😳

It is hard - I wish I had sound advice, but I don't. I just wanted you to know that you aren't alone.

No, Sandra, I won’t inherit. They said they thought any money should go to DB because I earn more than him (which is true; they didn’t know how much more until last month).

During COVID lockdown they essentially ignored me. They knew I was struggling terribly (new job, three DCs to homeschool, no support, no partner so entirely alone when the DCs were with their dad) and still told me that I should just suck it all up because older people like them were suffering most - despite their lives literally barely changing.

If you’re going to inherit zero and they are sucking the life out of you while giving nothing in exchange I would go NC. Let the brother who is going to inherit sort it out with them.

What happens if you just don't contact them?

Not in an attempt to be manipulative but just a cold, stark stepping back and just not contacting them at all and responding to their texts in a purely functional manner?

if I didn’t contact them then weeks or months would go by with nothing. I tried it once. I cracked after 6 weeks.

DM says that I’m so busy in my life that she doesn’t want to bother me.

She only wants “to bother” you when she needs the money. Oh the gaslighting 🤣

@CinnabarRed So sorry. It's hard when your mother blatently doesn't care as much, if at all, and favours your sibling.

I have distanced myself both physically & emotionally. It helps when the disparity of treatment isn't right in your face.

Don't give them any more money. If they ask, it's "sorry but things have changed and I don't have any spare right now". If challenged, you say I'd rather not go into details. You are not lying. It's changed because you no longer wish to subsidise them. Surely your money should be spent on your children above your mother anyway?

There are some lovely posters on the Stately Homes thread. I'm sure you could get some helpful advice over there.

Put you & your children first. Don't be so quick to contact her. And don't beat yourself up for saying no. 💐

Stop giving them money.

And if weeks or months go by without contact, why does that matter? You don't need these "challenging" people in your life, as they seem to make you unhappy. Just devote less time and energy on them and concentrate on the friends and family you actually like!

And they know you will. They know all they have to do is wait a few weeks and you'll come running. Like they know if they need money you'll stump up like a good girl despite how you're being treated; because you're telling yourself if you try just that bit harder you'll get the love and approval you crave. You won't of course but you carry on hoping, because that's the way they've trained you.

Have a look at the Stately Homes threads, plenty of advice on there from people who've been where you are.

Gosh this is hard. I think you need to put your needs first and stop expecting things to change. Like others, I can't understand mothers like this.

I wasn't patented much as a child and am the coper and taken for granted. It's a lonely place.

There is definitely childhood emotional neglect from what I've read in your post. Do some reading on it - good book on it by Dr Jonice Webb.

Do you have a relationship with your brother?

@CinnabarRed this is awful to read I'm so sorry OP you don't deserve this.

What's your relationship like with your brother?

Not including you in their will (or your children I presume) is awful. Especially as they weren't aware at the time how much you earned.

No support during COVID. No interest in the kids etc. Appalling.

I'd write them all a bloody long and frank letter about your feelings and cut them all off.

You will find happiness OP and someone who loves and truly appreciates you 💐

I’m not sure it would be fair to say I was emotionally neglected as a child. DF made it clear that he loved me - he almost treated my like a confidante, a mini adult. At least until he died.

my relationship with DB is complicated. He lives 2+ hours away. We see each other maybe once every year, and exchange birthday and Christmas gifts and cards. But we don’t have anything in common.