My mother

[CinnabarRed]

TLDR: DM favours DB, and it still hurts even as I near 50.

DF wasn’t a very nice man at all. He was selfish, self-centred, incredibly tight with money, and generally horrible to DB. I was very much his golden child. DM responded by spending a great deal of time with DB.

DF died when I was 16 and DB was 13 (suicide), which screwed up DB and, to a slightly lesser extent, DM. I threw myself into my GCSEs and then A-Levels, and coped. DM married my DSF when I was 18, moving us as a family away from
mu hometown just as I was leaving for uni. DM and DB remain very close.

I have been successful professionally. Less so personally. I have two failed marriages, but three DCs who I love very much (all from marriage 2). I have a cordial relationship with XH2, but I’m not in a relationship and there’s no real prospect that I ever will be again.

DM and DSF never call me. Never invite me and my DCs round - I have to ask. Never texts me unless I text first. DM texts DB multiple times every day. DB and DSIL have recently had a baby, and DM is besotted. In a way she never was with
my DCs.

DM and DSF have recently become aware of how much I earn (DSF has a medical issue, and I paid for his treatment because it really couldn’t wait). For a brief period they were in regular contact, but when the crisis had past it went back to how it was.

Now DM has asked for help to go private for a minor procedure. It’s not urgent urgent, but will improve the quality of her life. She’s been on the NHS waitlist for 6 months, with no progress. I said yes, of course. Anyway, I transferred the money to them this week so they could get her booked in for early September, which they’ve done.

And now, just as before, they’ve gone back to not texting or calling.

I’m so hurt. I’ve always known that DB was favoured, but it’s just so fucking stark now money is involved. It’s like my worth to DM is only based on what I can buy for her.

I’m not sure what I want from this thread. Probably only to talk because I don’t have anyone IRL.

I agree with @scoobysnaxx except I wouldn’t deliver the letter, I’d burn it. Your mum won’t acknowledge any of it which would leave you more upset and frustrated. Burn then try to NC

What did I do so wrong as a child that my DF killed himself rather than watch me grow to an adult, and my DM/DB don’t care about me?

OP - You did nothing wrong. Your DF's suicide is not your fault.

And your DM/DB's lack of love is a failing of their's, not yours.

Have you considered therapy @CinnabarRed? It could be really helpful for you to come to terms with your difficult upbringing.

I also think you need to fill your life outside of work with stuff for you, that enriches your life. I don't know what that would be but it might help you connect with new people, and bring some joy and fun to your life. Unfortunately your family is never likely to give you that, so you need to go out and seek it for yourself.

And yes, I think you should step back from your family. There are lots of helpful resources on the relationship board and many people who have reduced contact with your family, so it's a good place to get support. I'm so sorry for everything that you've gone through

Sweetheart, you did nothing wrong. You were a child. Your dad may have loved you, but he should not have treated you as a confidante. That should not have been your role, and he clearly had a lot going on that led him to take his own life.

Op, you did nothing wrong. Nothing. You were a child.

I would just go nc with your mum. She brings nothing to your life.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. There's nothing that you could have done wrong for your DF to do that. He may have had as well depression or other MH illness undiagnosed. Don't blame yourself, there's absolutely no way it's your fault.

Unfortunately, I have a very similar situation but DF died when I was 19 of a terminal illness. I'd go NC with your DM. My DM only calls me when she needs money,no birthday, Christmas or even a stay at the hospital deserves a call, it's only when she needs money. Things won't change.

This is so sad. I’m sorry you are being treated this way by someone who should love you the most in the world. This is not your fault.

Do you think in your heart of hearts that it is worth one more shot talking to your dm seriously about these issues? I wouldn’t write a letter personally as they are so open to misinterpretation. I would take her out for lunch on neutral territory and tell her very calmly that you are feeling hurt for the reasons described in your op.

You may feel that it’s not worth it as it would just cause you more hurt, but the reason I suggest it is that, speaking as a parent of two young adults, we (mothers) can be guilty of giving a lot of attention to the child that is in most difficulty and therefore paying far less attention to the child we know is ok. And if you are a “coper” and in a professional job, it may be they feel that you don’t need them as much as your db does. Also your dm may in the past have been petrified that your db could follow in his father’s footsteps, and that has set a pattern for the future that she’s unaware of.

That doesn’t explain or excuse her callous behaviour towards you though. You’ve almost become the parent of everyone haven’t you? It’s good that you are reflecting on this now because your dps will need more help as they get older and you need to be clear in your own mind how you are going to respond to this, rather than just getting sucked in to being the default carer or provider of finances.

It really is none of their business how much you earn. How on earth did they find out?

I suppose my advice would be to step back and work on broadening your own social life. It’s hard when you have three dc and a full on job but could you ring fence at least one evening a week or half a weekend day or a day when your dc are with their father, for doing something for yourself? It could be anything from joining a choir to a walking group to a craft or cooking class where you will enjoy the activity and possibly meet like-minded friends.

One last point, imho, it is very wrong of any parent to divide their inheritance unequally between their offspring. This is parenting 101. It doesn’t matter how rich or poor the adult children beneficiaries are. An inheritance doesn’t just represent money - it equally represents love and should always, no matter what, for this reason, be distributed equally. Once the income has been inherited it’s then up to the adult children to redistribute it, if they think that appropriate, but the late parents mustn’t make that decision ever.