Odd one regarding his ex. Any suggestions?

[SoManyChoresSoLittleTime]

I've been with my boyfriend for 2 years. His background is that he was married for 20 years and discovered that she was frequently cheating on him so divorced her. He was devastated at the time. Following that, he had another long term relationship which ended and then he and I got together.

When they first separated, she would turn up at places she knew he would be and try and win him back. This stopped when he got into his next long term relationship. And they were able to be friendly for the sake of their children. As far as I understand, their paths didn't really cross socially and she left him alone other than co-parenting.

When his relationship ended, she contacted him and asked if they could try again. This was nearly 10 years after they divorced and she was in serious co-habiting relationship by then. He told her no and that was that. Then we got together. When she found out, she did the same again.

He obviously told her no and now she has started turning up at places she'll know he'll be again.

They weren't friends on any SM but not blocked either because it wasn't necessary. When we got together, she started following him on fb and has recently started commenting on his posts of us together etc. Nothing sinister but the nature of them was quite 'territory marking' and not in keeping with the nature of their current relationship like an implied closeness and friendliness that doesn't exist in reality. Comments to him not us. So he blocked her.

One of his hobbies is very longstanding and very public and she has started also following their page so she knows where he is going to be for this hobby. She has joined fb groups he's in specifically because he is in them. Ones related to the hobby that she has no interest in other than him being in them too so she knows where he is and what he's doing. And she turns up at most, if not all, public events again.

None of this is a particular problem. He thinks she's ridiculous but it doesn't bother him. However, the first time she did it, she was quite friendly towards me but all in relation to him - a glowing reference of him as a partner, I seemed lovely and she was glad he'd found me etc. But every other time she's been quite hostile.

On every other occasion, she has just stood there staring at me. I thought to begin with that maybe she wasn't looking at me at all or that she didn't recognise me but then I was talking to someone else and she was standing 6 feet away from me, on her own facing me and just staring at me. I smiled at her thinking maybe I just looked like I was staring too! But she didn't smile back. Now, she stands there either staring at me or looking me up and down and just giving me childish dirty looks.

He knows but he doesn't see it because he's doing his hobby thing and she doesn't do it when we are together. So he agrees it is weird but doesn't really think much of it.

He doesn't really mind if she turns up. He thinks its odd that she wants to but it's a public place and she quite often turns up with one of their children (who are adults now) and he can hardly dictate where she goes in public! She doesn't really speak to him very much but does try to catch his attention. And then stands there staring at me stony faced!

He's even joked that if we got married, he wouldn't be surprised if she turned up. The worst thing is that I think he's probably right! And i don't think he'd turn her away if she did either so as not to upset the children and cause a fuss.

She didn't do any of this while he was in his last long term relationship. She wasn't an issue and so even bringing it up feels like a 'me problem'.

I know I should (and do) just ignore but i dont like the hostility and I'm getting to the point where I don't want to go to these events because I can't relax and enjoy it with someone standing there staring at me.

And I'm not even sure why she's doing it in the first place when she didn't do it to his previous girlfriend at all.

Any suggestions?

Sorry its so long. I didn't want to drip feed anything that might be relevant!

Very strange behaviour! Also clever enough to bring one of the adult children so she can claim she just came along with them! Tricky one because I'm not sure there is anything you can do to stop her if it is a public place. Maybe try talking to partner and explain how uncomfortable it makes you and can he have a word or ask the children why they turn up with her?

I would run for the hills. I wouldn’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. If her children were young I would think she might stop when they were older but they are adults. If she’s still in a relationship then I would try telling her partner about her behaviour. I know it will cause friction but you have nothing to lose here.

what happens if you don't go to an event? does she then talk to your BF? or is it that she has become fixated on YOU? I would maybe skip a few events and then see what happens? but also, I would approach her and ask if she is ok/ why she is staring

Tbh, her turning up at a public event isn't really the issue and she sometimes brings her partner too so he knows she goes.

It's the hostility towards me that is the problem for me. I'd rather not see her when we go to a public event related to his hobby obviously but there are usually a lot of other people there too so she would be easily ignored/avoided.

It's the fact I can see her staring at me, watching what I do, standing in front of me staring at me, dirty looks, looking me up and down with a look of derision.

The relationship itself is fine so I don't want to break up because of this. But there are a couple of things coming up that she is likely to just turn up to and I'm reaching the point where I'd rather just stay at home and not have to deal with it.

I suppose i feel like his previous girlfriend never have made a fuss about his ex wife because there was nothing to make a fuss about and yet, here I am, making a fuss! It looks like I'm the problem!

I don't think her current relationship is great (from what his kids have said) and I think she'd have him back in a heartbeat if she could. Well, she's said as much herself.

He's not interested so no worries there.

She's going nowhere and will be a permanent fixture monitoring/ damaging your future relationship. Your partner could come off SM and take measures to distance her, but that's not what he's doing. If he valued your relationship enough it would be the first thing done. They have a very long history and it looks like she is on a mission to see you off through what you recognise as territorial strategies. I'd be off. It's a mess.

I don't know what would happen. I've been at them all so far. There's one coming up that I can't go to and a couple that I don't really feel like I want to go to now.

I think if I said I wasn't going to go because of her, he'd say something but I don't really want to put him in that position.

It would cause friction and I'm the only one who has a 'problem' with it.

I think she has become a bit fixated on me tbh. Almost in a if it weren't for me, they'd be back together, kind of way. Which isn't true anyway.

He shouldn't have to come off SM.

And it wouldn't matter because he's blocked her now and made sure all his posts are private so she can't see them or comment on them.

But she follows the public hobby page and they want people to turn up at events sonthat has to stay. And even if she was blocked from that, her kids would still tell her they were going. She's their mum and one of them still lives at home. He has no control over other groups she joins. Even if he left those groups, she'd still know where he was amd what he was doing because it's in the public domain.

He's a bit perplexed because he managed an 8 year relationship after her where none of this was an issue. It's only started since he got together with me and, thinking about it, the turning up at every event and commenting on his posts is a fairly recent thing - over the past few months.

But yes I'm aware that this is only going to continue and probably get worse as time goes on.

He doesn't engage with her. He'll chat if she comes and talks to him but it's always neutral stuff and nothing inappropriate.

She already messages him quite a lot. Sometimes just chit chat, which he ignores and sometimes asking him for favours which he refuses.

Go and talk to her. Niceness disguising bitchiness.

'Oh hello, it's Cecelia isn't it?' Her actual name being Camilla.

'Would you like a tissue, you've got something hanging from your nose?' She will be flustered.

'How are you, have you had that awful bug that's doing the rounds? You look very tired and drawn!'

Get the upper hand and don't be intimidated.

Feed her false information. 'I hope the weather is nice for Saturday, we have got a lovely walk planned along the canal/promenade/specific place.' Let her hot foot it there and waste her time looking for you.

Ha, I like this approach. A bit of kill with kindness? Maybe that's the way to go.

Thing is, she's a bit 'rough' 😬 Not someone I'd ordinarily choose to be friendly with. She drinks a lot (kids have said she's an alcoholic) and is a bit 'hard faced'. He's totally the opposite! I get on well with his kids who are also both lovely. I don't want to spoil that.

Thinking back, it was me who approached her the first time and she was friendly back but the hostility put me off doing it again. I don't want to be friends with her. I'd rather not have to see her if I'm honest. But they were together a long time and have a lot of history and kids so I feel it's a tricky line to walk.

My exh and I split up the same year they did. We co-parented well and are amicable but neither of us would ever do this.

If he was encouraging it, I'd have walked away. He's not and "stop looking at my girlfriend" is a bit so I'm not sure what he can do really..
.

it looks like she is on a mission to see you off through what you recognise as territorial strategies

That's how it feels, yes.

Of course he shouldn't have to come off SM, but it seems that because of the SM presence she's able to keep incredibly close tabs on everything he's doing and marking what she thinks is her territory on his posts/ the group posts. Your partner is doing nothing wrong and is correct to ignore, but it looks like a lot of her power over your relationship is based on what's happening there. I'd want to remove that.

I'm wondering if she had any influence ( possibly similar strategies)in the break up of his last relationship?

DosCervezas

I agree. Except it wouldn't make any difference.

The people who run the events (trying to be vague) advertise so she sees that, they have a page that advertises it so she sees that. Her kids often attend so she knows that.

He's blocked her from his personal fb so she can't 'follow' him that way but he can't control the public stuff that others post. Even if they blocked her from the hobby page, she'd still see the events being advertised by the venues.

And her going isn't really the problem. As I say. She is a 'presence' and tries catching his attention but he really isn't interested. Its her behaviour towards me that only I see that is the problem for me.

If she was friendly towards me (as I expected after our first encounter), I wouldn't really be bothered. But her increased attendance etc seems.to be motivated by her feelings towards 'me' and 'us'. Rather than him. Or she'd have done it during his previous relationship too.

It's a bit difficult to talk about with him without sounding paranoid tbh!

I’d go over every time you catch her looking and talk to her.
Kill her with kindness and let her know her intimidation tactics aren’t working

No. None at all.

I've known him for a few years. I knew his previous girlfriend too. I did the same hobby but with a different group and I was often at the same events. His ex wife was never there. Never at any event in the 5 or 6 years I knew him. We got together and bam. She's everywhere!

He has also said she left him alone during those years.

He did say, when she messaged him after he and his previous girlfriend split up and again when we got together, he thought she assumed they'd always end up back together at some point. Despite her infidelity. She definitely still has feelings for him. But he doesn't encourage it in any way and never has.

She might think she had some influence in the split though?

It's very difficult then as she seems to also be a part of the hobby and the social media side of it. It might be something that you just have to learn to accept. It might be worth telling him how you feel, he could reassure and together you work to make sure she has no influence over things. Being together on this and open and presenting this clearly to her could be your best response?

Yeah, I think this is probably the best approach. Although, I don't want it to look like I'm trying too hard or for it to cause other problems either! Feels like a fine balancing act!

I was also going for ignore but given she is standing 6 feet away from me and staring that clearly didn't work!

I don't really want to stop going to the events but I don't want the discomfort either. I don't really want to talk to her at.all!

Possibly but it would be a huge leap for her to think that!

That's the thing. She's not involved in the slightest.

She supported him in it when they were together as you'd expect but didn't always attend. She has no personal involvement.

After he left her, she attended all the events for a while in an attempt to get back together with him. That petered off a bit when it didn't work and, when he started seeing his previous girlfriend, she didn't attend anything. I know this because I also attended many of them.

Before he started seeing me, the last time she showed any interest in his hobby was 10 years ago.

Since he and I got together, she's attended nearly every event, joined fb groups to do with the hobby (I'm in a couple of them too so i know she joined recently), started following their page, sent him a fb friend request (which he ignored) and started following him instead.

Like I say, he's blocked her but she doesn't participate in the hobby and never has. It's not the famed MN cycling when she could just buy a bike and get started. It requires a specific skill set and training that she doesn't have and has never been interested in.

Has he told her she’s being ridiculous?

Because that’s what it’ll take. And if the children are adults he’s putting them in an awkward position as well because if they say “that’s weird Mum” she can say that he obviously doesn’t mind as he’s not said anything

Do his children take part in the hobby or just watch their dad? If the former she will just say she’s supporting them.
How long has it been going on/are you together? Hopefully she will get bored soon. In the meantime I would just ignore where you can and be friendly when you can’t. Approach her when she’s staring you out maybe that will be enough to stop her.

Since he and I got together, she's attended nearly every event, joined fb groups to do with the hobby (I'm in a couple of them too so i know she joined recently), started following their page, sent him a fb friend request (which he ignored) and started following him instead.

Some of the groups have been set up for specific events and she's joined those too.

She doesn't contribute to the groups because they're really about organising, logistics, planning and debriefing. A way for the event planners to disseminate information to participants. Some of them are annual and widely publicised events which is how she knows he's participating.

It's like she's trying to create a sense of involvement in his life that doesn't exist. Or trying to make her presence felt to me. Or just keeping tabs on what he is doing.

No, his kids just attend to support him.

We've been together coming up to 2 years and it's escalated this year.

Last year, there were a few things which we both just laughed off as delusional and a bit weird (turning up to a few things, joining a couple of fb groups, sending him a friend request out of nowhere 10 years after they divorced that sort of thing).

It's definitely escalated this year both because she is turning up to more and also the way she has been towards me. When we realised that she was following him on fb (after he ignored the friend request) and that was how she always knew where he was and what he was doing, and when she started commenting on his posts, that's when he blocked her.

So she can't see what he posts anymore but the events are posted publicly elsewhere.

YetMoreNewBeginnings

I don't know that his kids do think it's weird. They get to go out with their mum and it looks to them like everyone is being mature. If I approach her, it's going to look as though I'm the one causing the problem because no one else is seeing the staring etc. Or the online monitoring of his movements.

He believes what I say but because he hasn't seen it for himself, I don't think he realises what it's like.

A couple of his close friends have commented that she always comes but they just take the piss out of her for it.

She's pretty thick skinned tbh. I'm not sure anything anyone said would deter her.