My 16 year old DD has a dodgy boyfriend

[Dodgyboyfriend]

I'm so worried. Not sure if I should post here or in teens as I'm not sure what I should do as a parent.

We're from UK but live abroad. My lovely 16 yo DD has started seeing a very dodgy guy. He's 19, works as a waiter in a restaurant and gets a room above the restaurant. I haven't quite understood his background, it's a mix of local but als western, apparently went to school in western country, dropped out at 16 and a couple of years ago he moved here and works as a waiter in this touristy part of the city (I guess because he speaks fluent English).

He is VERY good looking, all about fitness and his social media is all about showing this off. Seems quite narcisstic to me but I guess a lot of young people do this.
However, all of this would be OK - totally prepared to give people a chance and the main thing is character and this is where the real concern begins.

My older DD knows about this guy, he dated a friend of hers, and he's meant to be abusive and a pathological liar. So that's a red flag.

He's got this story that he has lung cancer (as a teenager)? But he smokes and he seems in excellent health. DD says he can't get treatment in the country we're in when I asked if he was being treating. Of course it could be true but the chances of a teen getting lung cancer are fleetingly tiny and then being in such good health and having this story and not having treatment? And to be smoking too??? Another red flag.

But the worst thing here is that they had an argument a couple of weeks ago. Apparently, he yelled at her to get out and when she was going to do so, he held her wrists to stop her leaving. She told this to her older sister who told us. She said seh was scared and he held her wrists so tight that he left a mark and that he was laughing at that. DD said she decided to leave him after that.

However.....she's gone back to him. He called and called and apologized. I've spoken to DD since then but she says older DD is exaggerating and that it wasn't as bad as it's being made out to be. Of course, this is classic minimizing and I do believe that it was as bad as she originally reported to older DD.

I am SO worried and I don't know what to do for the best. She's 16, I still have some control and leverage over her as her parent. But I don't want to create a situation where I'm forcing this on her. I want her to come to the realization of how fucked up this is. She's most insistent that she's told him it'll never rhappen again and she'll leave if it does. I'm terrified something worse might happen.
How do I keep my DD safe? How do I open her eyes to the severity of what happened? Is there any possibility this was a one-off (I find it hard to imagine, especially given it is SO early on in the relationship).

She wants to go see him after school today. i've told her no, that he can come to us where at least i"m around (working from home today) so I know she won't come to any harm. We'll see if she does what I ask...

Too tired for a longer reply but Clare's Law? How old is he? Awful situation- my heart goes out to you.

He's 19. We're not in UK - in a country which is far less advanced when it comes to things like this.

Sit tight,you are doing everything right. She already has doubt,

What if he does worse though? He's really strong - into kick boxing and stuff like that. I'm so scared for her.

I've given DD a code phrase to use if she feels unsafe and needs us to come to her. Of course she rolled her eyes but hopefully she remembers it.

Does he have Tuberculosis?
I would be asking him to have a health test before he kissed my daughter. Talk about that with her.

I wouldn't think so? It's not such a big issue here and he seems in very robust health!

You need to keep talking to DD, as does her sister to make sure she understands what this guy is (who does he think he is to hurt her) and get her to dump him. (Over the phone, not in person).

The fact she hasn't already after the wrist incident is very worrying. It is not a one off - the guy already has a reputation.

You cannot suffer this guy. You &/or your H probably need to channel Uncle Buck and threaten the fucker before he sets foot in your house, and make him understand he needs to get lost. That if he hurts your daughter again he'll end up in a jail cell at the least or in an unmarked grave!

God, I think my my mother would have kneecapped any guy who had physically hurt me. This is why guys like him go to the gym - bulk up and use their physical strength to intimidate people.

How old is the idiot?

I'd also be reporting the incident to the police and making sure they know who this guy is.

Police won't help here. It'd have to be more serious for them to do anything.
Think about how UK police would have responded about 30 years ago. That's the kind of police we have here.

There is no safe future and your daughter needs to lose interest in this guy.
Hire a bouncer and knock on his door. Ask the bouncer to say that you know of the wrist restraint and you request him not to approach your daughter again. You also need to register a complaint with the Police and tell him so.
Her seeing him is toomuch of a risk. She could easily followher feelings for him rather than her brain.

Get her friends to help by going out with her to new places and introducing her to a nice bunch of boys/cousins etc.

Are you in Europe?
Any family she can visit back in UK for nice long holiday if it comes to it?

I'd be taking his name and photo along to the police nonetheless. They can choose to do nothing for now but you can't.

She's already back at school here which is good as she has less time for him.
She's mentioned to me that there are some boys at school who have been interested in her and how she's had to tell them she has a boyfriend. I've been trying to fan those flames a bit!

I've tried bribing DD to end things. Maybe not the best parenting move but I thought if she has doubts about him, perhaps that temptation would be sufficient to get her to take the step she needs. I was worried she might explode at the suggestion but she didn't which I hope means she will consider.

I'm trying to think now what might be the best options for us to take regarding approaching the guy or the police. Not sure us threatening violence is the wy forward but maybe a robust conversation with him will help. And still skeptical police will help (plus massive language and cultural barrier) but maybe we should do it anyway.

Yes. A conversation with him needs to be extremely robust.

And the police are worth trying in case needed in future if it escalated. I doubt they would like 19 yr old knuckleheads abusing their daughters or granddaughters.

She won’t come to the realisation herself. She’s not mature enough. This guy is all she’s thinking about right now.

i was just checking some more of the details with DD1. Actually it turns out it wasn't during an argument. It's a bit scarier.

He was tired and yelled at her to get out. She went down to lobby (he has a room in the hotel above the restaurant), he raced after her, apologised and asked her to come back. She did. THEN he pinned her down and held wrists. She was asking him to stop. He looked at her and said 'oh, this isn't nice for you' and laughed. So it wasn't even in the heat of the argument (which is what DD2 had told me when minimizing).

I mean, from DD1's account, this sounds like almost psychopathic behaviour. Why has she gone back to him? Where are alarms not going off for her? She's not usually like this, she's normally the one who stands up for herself.

She's 16. Not 18.
Put your foot down and say she can't see him.
I would be very worried too. - Not trying to scare you.
Can you show her some Women's Aid/healthy boundaries info?

God this sounds awful. Not helpful, sorry.

I think I would probably just talk to her and say how extreme this is. That you never in a million years thought you would have to be so afraid of someone she spends time with genuinely hurting her. That you're at your wits' end and considering grounding her just to protect her. Tell her that you don't believe the lung cancer story in the absence of any other details suggesting treatment like surgery scars etc.

Could you notify her school - talk to the Head? I don't know what they could do but awareness never hurts?

I'm not a pushover parent. We have boundaries and rules. And I CAN enforce this to a certain extent. But what would be even worse is if she sees him behind our backs and would then be even more at risk. My main concern is how do I protect her. And I'm not 100% convinced that putting my foot down here will necessarily lead to the desired outcome. I have today with seeing him after school but going forward I'm worried it could make things worse. I need to get her on side somehow.

I'm considering speaking to the head of child protection at the school. The guy isn't a student so they couldn't do much but they might have advice. I had an issue with DD1 previously and they had some good insights as to action which could be possibly taken and how it works in the country in which we live.

It’s likely that if you push for her to end the relationship you will only push him further in to his arms. The best thing you can do is to allow your daughter to feel she can talk to you about what’s going on and use those conversations to educate her about the risks associated with her relationship, Tv programmes might help. Get her to watch I am Nicola and the kidnap of angel lynn.

It might help to know the country. I'm not sure why you need to be so secretive about it.

I'd be really worried too. Do her friends have older boyfriends too? I'm my kids friendship groups it was very unusual to have boyfriends who were older at 16. It was seen as a bit creepy. Obviously a three year age difference when they are older is insignificant but at 16 it's a bit much

It doesn't really matter what the country is - it's pretty apparent that the police will not be proactive. This boy is seriously bad news and I have no shame in saying that about a lying chancer. Can you relocate back to the UK if you are expatriates? Or can you immigrate somewhere else or get her out of the country on some pretext? This might seem alarmist but the facts that your daughter has continued to see him despite him assaulting her which she is now busily minimising. Would school in a different city be a prospect. I think you are right to be alarmed and take this seriously. I do hope you have talked to her about contraception and keeping herself safe because I doubt it's something he will ever likely consider.

@WaitingPainting
confidentiality. this is highly personal and quite detailed. if somehow this gets picked up for whatever reason by the tabloid press or someone who knows us reads ths. saying the country would be highly outing

@GoldenSpangles we speak openly about contraception, that's fine. He is bad news but we can't uproot the family - my job (which supports the family) is here, other kids are at school here.

that said, something is cracking with DD. I think she knows deep down this is messed up but she is a bit dazzled by it all and thinks she can control this situation. She's said he's on thin ice but I think he should have fallen right through the ice already. I'm not normally an over ptotective mum so for her to see me so worried is starting to get through I think.