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Original poster

DH is here constantly and I’m so lonely

39 replies

Darkershadows · 23/08/2023 01:32

Currently on maternity leave with a baby and a toddler. Toddler does a couple of days a week in nursery, and I have a DH working mostly from home, and it is so unbelievably lonely. I can hear him on the phone all day and he can hear me but he’s unavailable. Our home doesn’t feel like our own. I don’t know if anyone can understand a bit or in a similar position. I keep wondering whether to end the marriage but I don’t think I could do it to the children.

OP posts:
Aprilx · 23/08/2023 02:37

It feels like you have left a lot out here and it is hard to understand. I don’t understand why you talk about your husband working from home and ending your marriage in the same paragraph for example, these things are not related?

If you are lonely during the day, then you need to try and socialise, your husband is working and of course he is unavailable.

Weatherwax13 · 23/08/2023 02:55

@Darkershadows I get what you mean. Will he be receptive if you tell him how you feel?
Do you think he's avoiding dealing with the kids - and /or your feelings?
It's not that you expect him to give up work. Of course not.
It's more the weird feeling that he's actually in the same house while you're in emotional pain but as he's physically present yet unavailable you feel more lonely than if you were in the house by yourself.
Can he schedule a regular break where you can sit and have coffee together?
My H has wfh since covid and I came to feel I was living at his workplace rather than him working from our home IYSWIM. Sound of zoom meetings all day. I'm lucky not to have young kids any more but I have a serious mental illness which means I'm largely stuck here.
I had a breakdown recently. And one of the ways he's supporting me is by taking a proper lunch hour most days and logging off at a normal time. It's better for him too as his work/life balance was getting ridiculous. He'd lost sight of that..

DeeCeeCherry · 23/08/2023 03:03

You need to get up and out. Your DH is working, he can't be at your side when he's doing that. Mother and baby groups so you can chat with other adults, go to the park, child friendly cinema, a nice cafe, just look up what's out there in terms of activities. Do you drive? Your toddler is at nursery 2 days a week so you've not got both children with you all the time. All of this is often what being a Mum is about. Even when you don't feel like getting up and out, you have to really. It's part and parcel. Boring at times maybe but it's better than sitting home listening to your husband working.

MintJulia · 23/08/2023 03:12

DeeCeeCherry · 23/08/2023 03:03

You need to get up and out. Your DH is working, he can't be at your side when he's doing that. Mother and baby groups so you can chat with other adults, go to the park, child friendly cinema, a nice cafe, just look up what's out there in terms of activities. Do you drive? Your toddler is at nursery 2 days a week so you've not got both children with you all the time. All of this is often what being a Mum is about. Even when you don't feel like getting up and out, you have to really. It's part and parcel. Boring at times maybe but it's better than sitting home listening to your husband working.

This.

Maternity leave is lonely. I found that. Friends and family all working. Mum & baby groups weren't really my thing. But I imagine having your DH in the house but unavailable must make it feel much worse.

I was on ML the same time of year as you and once I was back on my feet, I put ds in a sling and went walking most days. I walked a lot of the ridgeway that summer. DS slept or watched the world go by and was perfectly happy. I ambled along in the fresh air. There were a surprising number of people to talk to, the weather was pretty good, and I got rid of my baby weight.

Try to go out. The weather isn't bad at the moment.

user1471082124 · 23/08/2023 03:49

Feeling for you. It’s hard to go to groups when you’re not feeling confident and your usual self. You have 4 wallsitis. Add a toddler into the mix as well. You maybe don’t want to confide in anyone in real life. Try to. If you have a trusted person. Maybe your health visitor if they are available. Otherwise good advice about packing up and getting out previously given. Look for free things with a toddler. Library ? Picnics , going to the park. It’s hard OP. Husband maybe has no idea. Could you share with him? Sorry if any typos, can’t find glasses 🤷🏻‍♀️
💐
Ok

whatchagonnado · 23/08/2023 06:27

DeeCeeCherry · 23/08/2023 03:03

You need to get up and out. Your DH is working, he can't be at your side when he's doing that. Mother and baby groups so you can chat with other adults, go to the park, child friendly cinema, a nice cafe, just look up what's out there in terms of activities. Do you drive? Your toddler is at nursery 2 days a week so you've not got both children with you all the time. All of this is often what being a Mum is about. Even when you don't feel like getting up and out, you have to really. It's part and parcel. Boring at times maybe but it's better than sitting home listening to your husband working.

Good advice.

My situation is the opposite way round. I'm the worker ( from home mostly) and my DH is off work probably permanently with health problems. He's increasingly reliant on me for company at the end of the day when I just want quiet time. He's not seen me much during the day much so he's ready for a big conversation - im not. I'm trying to encourage him to get out and about and socialise as it will definitely help; I can't do that for him but I know he'll feel better for it.

Good things I did on mat leave was baby swimming, mum meet ups, organised walks round the park with other mums, library book readings for babies - there should be lots out there if you actively look for it

Original poster
Darkershadows · 23/08/2023 06:30

Thank you. I don’t really want or need him to be keeping me company but someone else nailed it, I am living in a workplace and it’s very difficult.

We do go to groups etc. but they are not on in the summer holidays and staying out all day is so tiring.

OP posts:
SirSidneyRuffDiamond · 23/08/2023 07:35

Is it because your house is not big enough to gain a proper separation from your DH's office? I think that is any issue for a lot of UK housing stock - they are just not big enough to properly accommodate home life and work life. Is there a potential to move to somewhere more spacious? Could you invest in a garden office? Could your DH rent an office room or flexible work space for a couple of days a week? Of course all of these things cost money, which might be an issue to fund with a young family. Where does your DH work at home - if he is in a dedicated office/study, can it be sound-proofed?

If nothing can be done for now then I suggest making a plan for a year or so down the line. Will you be returning to work? If so this is just a short-term nuisance. Otherwise you need to think about ways in which this situation can be adapted to suit you better. Have you spoken to your DH and got his thoughts?

PerspiringElizabeth · 23/08/2023 07:37

Garden office or Co-work space is much less drastic than divorce.

I know what you mean about the loneliness! He’s not only there but unavailable, but also talking to other adults all day! And if you’re like me you don’t want to be out all day with 2 young kids. Go out once a day sure, but there are still many more hours of the work day.

notquitesoyoung · 23/08/2023 07:45

No suggestions but can completely understand how you feel - I would have hated to have DH WFH while the DC were small. Has he always been WFH or is it a result of covid/new job? Is going into an office an option and have you told him how you feel?

Original poster
Darkershadows · 23/08/2023 07:47

It’s really hard to explain what it is. Garden offices etc might be less drastic than divorce but if he won’t use them then it leaves me in a very uncomfortable living situation. It does feel intrusive - a couple of days ago I’d had a bad night and was trying to sleep and all I could hear was DHs work meeting, but that’s a small thing really. Today he’s in the office and I feel so much more chilled out, like I can take the day as it comes.

OP posts:
Bigbus · 23/08/2023 07:51

It’s more lonely having someone in the house who is not available than it is being actually on your own, I think. Can he not go to the office more?

Original poster
Darkershadows · 23/08/2023 07:55

Bigbus · 23/08/2023 07:51

It’s more lonely having someone in the house who is not available than it is being actually on your own, I think. Can he not go to the office more?

It really is and I’m so grateful to those who ‘get it.’ I suppose it’s like when you’re feeling low and feel isolated in a room full of people. He’s supposed to be in the office twice a week but often doesn’t - it’s a long commute so I do get it’s tiring but I’ve had him home pretty much constantly for months and it’s driving me mad.

OP posts:
pickledandpuzzled · 23/08/2023 08:07

Point out to him that just as he works at home for a break from the office, you need him to work from the office sometimes so you can have a break too.

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 08:20

Does he have a go at you if you’re at home or making normal home noise for a toddler and baby?

Original poster
Darkershadows · 23/08/2023 08:22

Hibiscrubbed · 23/08/2023 08:20

Does he have a go at you if you’re at home or making normal home noise for a toddler and baby?

No. I am very conscious of it though. It feels like I’m being listened to all the time.

OP posts:
Thelonelygiraffe · 23/08/2023 08:25

Where in the house does he work? Can't he have a spare bedroom, shut the door then he's out of your way and you can use the house without feeling like he can hear you?

Original poster
Darkershadows · 23/08/2023 08:30

Not really - in any case I can sense his presence wherever he is and hear him too!

OP posts:
Deut · 23/08/2023 08:33

Why are so many people still working from
home? Can’t you ask him to go back to the office at least for some of the days.

Mummumgem · 23/08/2023 08:44

I understand exactly how you feel , you’ve summed my live up and it’s sooooo good to hear that someone else out there feels the same x

we are now retired and the children have left home. BUT before that we ran our own business from the home. It worked fine during office hours when the children were at school but when they were babies then children out of school hours it was awful. Constantly trying to keep the children quiet because he didn’t like to be disturbed, but worst than that, the feeling that he knew what we’re doing all the time. The sad thing is there weren’t secret things and he honestly didn’t care, if I wanted to spend the whole day cooking cookies or making a house out of a box he really didn’t care so long as we were happy. BUT, after work hours there was no “daddy’s home !” Come daddy see what we’ve done!. He knew what we had been doing, we knew if he’d had a good day or bad day. There’s no kiss at the door hello or goodbye, no missing each other.

and that’s the main thing I learnt over the years, the no missing each other.

we are now retired, home alone all day together, I’m disabled so can’t go out without him, and he “ likes to be together “ 🙄, anyone my age will get that phase 😂😂. But the crux of the matter is we never miss each other. I just can’t get him to understand I need to miss him, and i feel that’s been missing from our marriage and it’s sad, it’s got to the point that when he pops to the shops or takes the dog for a walk I’m like a child in a sweet shop, I can take a big breath of freedom and can feel alone, really alone, it’s wonderful. After a couple of hours I miss him and so pleased to see him, it’s a wonderful feeling. But he doesn’t get it 🥹.

I think you need to speak to your husband, show him my post, tell him how you feel. I wish I had sooner maybe he would have understood when we were younger.
try and find someway of getting out the house, are you going back to work ? That will really help, if not try and find a group you can meet up with.

most importantly speak to your husband, he needs to understand this before you become to resent the situation

Mummumgem · 23/08/2023 08:48

I wish you could edit posts 🙄
I was trying to explain, no secret things - meaning we had no secrets we weren’t trying to hide things from each other, but secrets as in birthday presents made before the birthday kind of secrets, no big surprises, silly but important.

FlamingoQueen · 23/08/2023 08:57

I bloody hate it when dh works from home. Luckily, he’s out and about a lot more now. He popped in last week with a colleague (for the Wi-Fi and free coffee) - I ended up taking the dc out for lunch! Your house is not your own when someone is working from home. If you want to put your feet up for an hour at lunch and watch Loose Women you feel awful for doing so.

Howareu · 23/08/2023 09:10

Do you have decent headphones? You could listen to your favourite music some of the time or watch things on your phone(if you do sometimes watch things like I do!). Does/can he have a proper lunch break so you can eat together?

timberho · 23/08/2023 09:15

I think given he's working and earning money for the family the onus is on you to go out more tbh.
Out in the morning, home for lunch / nap, and then out in the afternoon.
Some of the oppressive feeling you describe sounds like more than just a problem with your DH WFH.

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