DH is here constantly and I’m so lonely

[Darkershadows]

Currently on maternity leave with a baby and a toddler. Toddler does a couple of days a week in nursery, and I have a DH working mostly from home, and it is so unbelievably lonely. I can hear him on the phone all day and he can hear me but he’s unavailable. Our home doesn’t feel like our own. I don’t know if anyone can understand a bit or in a similar position. I keep wondering whether to end the marriage but I don’t think I could do it to the children.

Are there mothers from the babygroup that are also on maternity leave and you can meet them, grab a coffee together , have a walk in the park.
On my first maternity leave it was winter and just moved to the area, i was so lonely! Second maternity leave however was in summer and I met a mother a few blocks away also on maternity leave and we spent the whole summer walking parks and drinking coffee, wonderful time.

My dh was working from home too in the living room. Without headphones even! The noise drove me crazy! We repurposed a part of the garage and he can now sit there and make all the noise he wants.
We meet together at coffeebreak (10:30 ish) and lunch.

I think there are sort of two different threads here which I understand. I posted late at night feeling really down.

To try to explain, I find it really difficult having someone ‘here’ but switched off and unavailable. It’s so much easier when he isn’t here. I’m completely fine with my own company and I am quite sociable and quite enjoy all the baby groups and so on. But even if they could take up all day it isn’t necessarily a good thing. At one point DS was doing three activities a day (swimming, rugby and toddler gym) and it was too much. He was getting over tired and having tantrums and being difficult.

Baby classes are lovely but I need my home to be a home. It needs to be somewhere we can chill out and it isn’t at the moment, it’s a work place.

What to do about it is completely another matter but it helps just to let those feelings out.

Your feelings matter OP, I would have a serious conversation with him, maybe even show him this thread, so he understands the importance of going in to the office at least for the 2 days he's supposed to and more if he can. Its understandable he'd prefer to stay home if there's a long commute (so presumably cheaper to stay home too) but if it clicks for him what this is like for you then hopefully he'll make more effort to change the situation, at least while you're on mat leave.

I had to give up work due to disability just before the pandemic and my DH works from home pretty constantly. It's worse in Winter since the rise in gas/electric costs because we try to just heat one room and of course no longer having my income doesn't help. My (mega-frustrating) chronic fatigue syndrome means that I can't really go to groups as it would take too much of my limited energy unfortunately. I manage to walk the dog and do a little housework or gardening most days, but I am in the house a lot of the time.

Strategies we've used to cope are:
a good noise cancelling headset for him so that he/his colleagues can't hear me living my life and so I know I'm not disturbing him, especially in Winter!
Noise cancelling headphones for me to listen to music/TV (might help you when baby is napping);
Good soundproofing between his office and the living room (great in warmer months);
Me having a routine to give structure to my days (stops me going mad/feeling lonely
And him having a '15 min lunch break' on as many days as possible, so we know we can have a quick coffee/chat/catch up together most days.

If you’re thinking of ending your marriage over the feelings of your home not being a home/your DH working from home causing you problems, then that’s a really serious issue for you. So it might require some drastic solutions to it - but less drastic than divorce! Does your DH know the full extent of your feelings, and is he sympathetic to them or dismissive of them? What do you think would help you to cope and can you see a way of asking for it/achieving it?

I would explain the problem to him, and the stress of keeping toddler/baby quiet while he is there working really can't help either of you.

I'd encourage him to go in twice a week, but also is there a local workspace he can decamp to for a couple of days or at least once a week? We've a cafe a little way off but it's fabulous with an upstairs separate bit of workdesks, you pay a small sum for top ups of hot drinks per day, food (yummy) is extra

I have tried to explain to him but either he doesn’t understand, or he understands but ignores me! I do think he genuinely doesn’t understand, it’s very frustrating. I don’t think I am serious about ending the marriage but that’s for the children. If it was just us I don’t know what I’d do, really, but then the problems wouldn’t be the same so I don’t know.

It isn’t that I need to have him around for a specified lunch break and that then puts pressure on me to be in/back at that time. And even if we agreed 1pm I doubt he would be able to stick to it.

Even if he doesn’t understand, is he willing to change his routine/behaviour? (I’m guessing no, as you say if he does understand he’s ignoring you, and you suggested upthread that he wouldn’t use a garden office even if it was built.)

In a perfect world, he’d work from the office full-time? Or what would be the perfect real-world balance for you?

I could have been writing this myself. Felt exactly like you. Empty and lonely although DH was around but working and always on phone or typing.

Agree with everyone who mentioned going out, meeting other moms/ playgroups. Baby light be too small but the stay and play group are more so for mother i reckon

We don't have specified lunch breaks, but if DH happens to be free at some point between 11 and 2 he pops out for a coffee and if I'm here and free at that moment, we sit down together for a coffee/chat. It's very fluid, but it works well for us.

What is that bothers you most? It might help to pin it down to specific issues that you can discuss together and possibly find solutions for.

So if you worry that you disturb him, especially if you have visitors, but he doesn't feel disturbed, then keep reminding yourself of that until you feel more relaxed about it.

If you've had a bad night could he work in a different more distant room/home office/go into work that morning, so that you can sleep. Or could you have headphones or earplugs and use a vibrating baby monitor to alert you if your baby wakes up.

Those may not help with your struggles, but it can be easier to find solutions if you can be very specific about what aspects of the situation you are struggling with.

I am the one who is at home working usually. But I am very clear with DH and the DC that they should just carry on with their days and not take me into account. So if they want to play a noisy game - no problem. if they want to have three friends round and a water fight in the garden - great. As I type, DD and her buddy are having a big fat discussion in the garden while they eat their lunch.

During the term time, when Dh is sometimes here if he's not working too (he works part time around the DC), I'll go upstairs so that he can watch movie or whatever. He had a friend round a few weeks ago for coffee - all fine.

I think there's this slightly odd situation with a lot of people who WFH who then expect everyone else to act like it's a formal work environment. It's not. It's a home and the people who live in that home should be able to treat it as such at all times.

@Mummumgem I totally agree- we have similar except not retired yet- I have a desk at co working centre even though we work in same business and have lots of space at home. I think some people feel like you and me, others like their partners around all the time- I hated it- made me feel like a pensioner in my 40s (I'm now 61) and not a fun pensioner at that

@Darkershadows I think many folks need to understand that if you are at home with young children, it might suit your partner, but may well not suit you- it really really depends on the partner too .