Once a cheat....?

[memooma]

I've been lurking on MN for a while now and have noticed that the vast majority of responses regarding cheating is 'once a cheat always a cheat' - but is this a fair conclusion?!

Why should that be the case? There are, of course, instances where people are habitual cheaters and are continually doing so due to a lack of something in their lives... but surely there will be people out there who have done it and regret it enough to never do it again?

People make mistakes, people make errors in judgement, people are idiots, but people are also able to change and make amends so why is it such an overwhelming consensus that if someone does it once they will do it again?

Well it depends whose doing the cheating
If its a man - then absolutely
if its a woman - no of course not

In my experience, yes. Everyone I've known to cheat, has gone on to cheat again. Either on the same partner with someone else , or with new partners with someone else.

but surely there will be people out there who have done it and regret it enough to never do it again?

I am sure this is true but then if you are the person who has been cheated on how do you know they will be this person and do you want to hang around long enough to find out? I certainly didn't.

The big thing stopping people from cheating is the psychological barrier.

Break that, and you realise just how easy it is to do.

Once you know it, you can't unknow it

I think it becomes a learned behaviour and once you’ve crossed that boundary it probably becomes an addiction to lying or excitement etc. I’ve never cheated so I don’t know from the other perspective.

My ex husband has cheated on every single person he’s ever been with, so yes I do think it’s correct that cheaters generally feel it’s an acceptable thing to do.

I see this as a boundary that someone will or won’t cross. Of the people I know who have cheated, they’re actually morally ok with it, so they will (and have) done it again. So I’ll say generally speaking once a cheat always a cheat.

People say it because it makes them feel better about it. It means that the woman they were cheated on with will be in their shoes eventually.

It doesn't work like that.

If someone is sexually incontinent and goes out looking for hook ups, one night stands, affairs then, no, they probably won't change but I know men who've cheated and gone on to have 10+ year relationships with the OW. Two I know were very close to me and I have no doubt that neither of them have or would cheat again.

This is something I posted on another thread today.

Not sure what you all think about this.

A family member's husband left her and their five year old son. He'd been seeing another woman for about four months. He mixed in seeing her with his weekly boys night out. He met her on such a night when she was out with her friend. She'd left her abusive husband and he was at the end of his tether with his wife. Apparently they'd had a child to appease her, she was obsessed with the little boy and there was lots going on in the marriage that wasn't good. I was just a kid at the time but I know about it all.

They got married as soon as the divorce came through and are still together and happy 27 years later. They've been together longer than their original marriages. He's not cheated on his second wife.

The (ex)wife still says now that the ow is a slapper and a whore and she'd never have her husband back as she'd never trust him. She tried to get him to go to counselling but he said there was no point. She asked why he didn't tell her he was unhappy instead of jogging off with someone else.

She's had another marriage since though he died. She's calling the other woman all the names still, is so bitter, but hooks up with married men on apps and doesn't give a stuff.

I’ll admit I cheated in the past. It went on for longer than it should have. I ended it because I felt awful in myself. I wasn’t happy with several things in my relationship, things weren’t right and I maybe wasn’t treated the best but my partner didn’t cheat on me. What I did was far worse. I was honest with him, he ended it right away which I expected and respected. I lost all the trust from my family and friends who expected better in me. Years later my ex partner and I talked about why it happened and how hurt he was. We actually both apologised for how our relationship ended up. He forgave me and was happy to move on in life and I loved hearing about how happy he was with his new partner.

When I started dating my now dh I told him the truth as he had previously been cheated on. I know I will never cheat again. The pain I caused and the horrendous way I felt, I would never put others or myself through that again. I have a family now and will always put them first.

I know people say once a cheat, always a cheat and that’s fair enough, that’s how they feel. I do believe people can change but they need to show and prove it. I worked hard to change who I was. That whole time period changed me, it gave me expectations on relationships and taught me to speak up if I’m unhappy but it also made me be far more considerate and understanding of other people’s feelings.

’Once a cheat always a cheat’ is a simplistic and childlike statement. Yes, there are people who, for whatever reason, cheat repeatedly. Then there are people who cheat once, realise the enormity of what they’ve done and see how it affects their spouse, do the work to understand why they did it and never do it again.

As Cheryl Strayed said, “most people don’t cheat because they’re cheaters; they cheat because they’re people”.

The constant gaslighting of a partner is intrinsically abusive - I think if you’re the type of person who can rationalise that kind of behaviour then you’re not usually the sort of person who does the work necessary to rebuild trust and make the changes necessary to not be abusive / a gaslighter. Cheaters must go through lots of mental hoops to rationalise what is essentially an abusive thing to do to a partner.

I cheated on my exh in an 'exit affair' and it is my biggest regret. I will never make that kind of mistake again, there were circumstances leading up to my actions and ultimately it helped me leave my exh but I know I will never ever behave so recklessly again. It's going to taint the rest of our lives and I beat myself up about it daily still almost 3 years later. I never thought I would be capable of cheating yet here I am.

I don't think once a cheat, always a cheat, but I wouldn't be willing to get involved with someone who had recently cheated and risk them being one of the repeat offenders.

Someone who had cheated once in a short relationship 20 years ago, fine. Someone who cheated on his wife 6 months ago, no thanks.

In the same way if I found out someone had a conviction (or a penchant) for dangerous driving I wouldn't get in a car with them/let them drive my kids anywhere. I'm not going to find out first hand whether they've changed their ways or not.

I think it’s difficult.

If you cheat, and feel remorse and really do the inner work to figure out why you cheated and self reflect then no I don’t think those people will necessarily go on to cheat again.

Those who cheat and then lie, cover it up, blame everyone but themselves are different. They are more likely to cheat again, because cheating isn’t a moral issue to them.

As once a cheater I would absolutely definitely not cheat again.
I thank my lucky stars daily that my dh has stayed with me.

I cheated, and if I had stayed in my marriage, I would have again as there was a lot missing from my relationship but I felt I couldn't leave due to children and finances. My affair gave me the push to leave. But next time, if i felt something was missing in my relationship, I would just end it.

Often people cheat because there is simply something missing in that relationship, that someone else can provide

Why is it such an absolute for you that men will do it again but women won't?

It’s a sarcastic post - either that or the poster has the IQ of a teaspoon. 😊

That's a very good point... I guess there would be a lot of defining factors in the relationship (i.e. length, strength, children etc.) which would play into whether someone would feel comfortable enough to stick around and see.

Trust is a fragile thing..

That whole time period changed me, it gave me expectations on relationships and taught me to speak up if I’m unhappy

I relate to this A LOT! My expectations changed hugely, not from a relationship in which I had been cheated on, but from one in which I was just generally unhappy. It took me a long time of being single and figuring out what I wanted from life and a partner to be able to create a relationship in which we are both able to voice our wants.

I think people can fall into a routine in relationships which means that they accept things 'are the way they are' and don't want/see the need to make changes or voice that things aren't the way they want them to be. Having the benefit of hindsight and being able to voice your wants and expectations is a really important thing to be able to do to ensure both people are happy within the relationship.

I do think that standing up and accepting what you've done and not trying to rationalise / justify your actions is a big thing.

I appreciate that people who aren't happy will go elsewhere, it's difficult to not be drawn in to attention when you're not getting it at home... but to lay that blame on the innocent party and make it their fault is what makes it an unforgiveable action

I always take it to mean "once a cheat always a cheat in this relationship"

If your husband has cheated on you for instance, and you decide to stay together, for the remainder of that relationship he will always be a cheat. Even if he never does it again. Even if he's regretful and remorseful and genuinely would never cheat again, in the context of that relationship he will always be a cheater because you can never undo the cheating.

Complete nonsense, yes some people will continuously cheat, some NEVER cheat.
Some people only don't cheat out of fear of getting caught, some genuinely find it reprehensible.
Some cheat due to an abusive or inattentive partner, some for the fun.
It is completely asinine to boil it down to just "once a cheat always a cheat"
Some of these posters are completely ludicrous.

I think pretty much all people are capable of cheating if the circumstances are right - good people sometimes do selfish, unkind things. I think people who are basically good and decent come to realise how harmful it is, experience true regret and don't do it again.

There are also people in terrible relationships for whom the affair is a way out. I wouldn't describe those people as habitual cheaters.

Then there are the people who are just moral black holes, who don't gaf about anyone other than themselves and who basically go through life behaving like stray dogs, leaving devastation on their wake.

Just because all have cheated they aren't all the same.

Insulting, Arthur but I’ll bite.
Of course there’s nuance to everything and people who cheat on, lie and gaslight their partner of course will justify that abusive behaviour and that includes spouse blaming. It’s pretty standard and very predictable set of behaviours.

What I mean when I say once a cheat always a cheat is that they type of person who is morally ok with lying and gaslighting someone they profess to love are more likely to be intrinsically abusive / selfish and often that’s just a part of that persons character.

I think it comes down to whether one views affairs as abusive or not 🤷🏽‍♀️ I do so that colours the way I view the person who’s doing the gaslighting