Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex the abandoner wanting contact

42 replies

brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 10:27

I've previously posted about my ex leaving the country and essentially abandoning me and the children. They are 2 and 1 year old.

He's made contact now, texts most days to see how they are with a 5 min FaceTime call every 3 days or so.

He messaged last night asking if we can sort out arrangements for him to see them. He said he will not return to the UK, even on a 'holiday' to visit his kids.

He basically thinks they can go on holiday to his home country and he will return them.

He has never had them overnight and did not live with us. I am absolutely not allowing my children to go there and especially without me. They've never spent a night apart from me. My two year old is on the pathway to be assessed for asd and pica.

I'm just wondering what contact I can suggest that is reasonable? I feel like there's going to be a big argument coming so just trying to prepare myself in advance

Thank you 😊

OP posts:
TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 10:31

You need legal advice.
For now I would just do FaceTime. Do not send them to him alone until you've got proper legal advice.

Fraaahnces · 22/08/2023 10:32

Don’t even respond. He might assume that you have changed numbers.

Coffeaddict · 22/08/2023 10:34

First off what country? Is it in the Hague convention?
Do you think there is a risk of him taking and not returning the children?

I would start by offering day trips. You say he never lived with you but did he have the kids on his own before? I'm sorry but you need to separate your emotions from him leaving from his relationship with the kids.

If there is no fear from their wellbeing or them being abducted he would be able to take you to court and most likely get 1-2 weeks holidays to take them to see his family

Fraaahnces · 22/08/2023 10:34

Btw stating that he won’t return to the Uk shows that he knows he’s way behind in child support and would be flagged on entering the country. Doesn’t deserve your attention or the kids. (Not legal advice, but wondering who’s in his ear about this back home…? Pushing to maybe kidnap them?)

Original poster
brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 10:37

He's in Belgium, haven't had a penny from him although following advice from my previous thread I have submitted remo application.

He's living there with his mother and sister who are very much a big influence on him. There is absolutely no chance I will be allowing them to go there. But I'm wondering how long I can say that for. In my opinion they're too young to be separated from their mother at the moment.

Despite my anger towards him I've facilitated their FaceTime contact as much as possible and sent him photos videos and updates. I just don't know what suggestion I could counteract him with when he's talking about them going to Belgium

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 10:39

@Coffeaddict he never had them alone and did not live with us as he had previously been violent towards me whilst I was pregnant with the youngest.

He did complete the perpetrators program, had a few months of supervised contact and then the contact he had with the children after that ended I was there

OP posts:
Original poster
brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 10:40

Sorry I forgot to add to this I have previously been granted a prohibitive steps order when he first left the country. Although this was never served and subsequently discharged as we were unable to locate him to have him served

OP posts:
NCgoingdry · 22/08/2023 10:44

Well he's essentially a stranger to your kids then?

Would you let your kids go abroad with a stranger? Let alone one who's violent.

Rainbowqueeen · 22/08/2023 10:45

How long have the texts and FaceTimes been happening?

My view is that contact in person needs to happen in the Uk. He could visit for 2 weeks and see the kids every day, with you present.

He is essentially a stranger to them. Contact is supposed to be in the best interests of the child. If I want my DC to get to know an adult that would be the starting point. I honestly can’t see how anything else would be in the best interests of a child.

It sounds very much to me like his parents want to see the DC so he is planning to get them to Belgium and dump them with their grandparents. Not your problem that their son is a deadbeat.

Original poster
brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 10:47

FaceTimes have been happening for 3 weeks, sporadically. No set date/time and sometimes only for a matter of minutes.

They did enjoy seeing him in person but they're too young and just not interested over face time

OP posts:
Coffeaddict · 22/08/2023 10:52

In which case any contact needs to take place in a contact centre. You shouldn't be the one to facilitate if he has previously been abusive to you.

If he wants in person contact that's all you offer and if he wants more he needs to go to court

Treepigeon · 22/08/2023 10:57

Absolutely not. Get legal advice now and do not even contemplate this. He wont being them back.

Original poster
brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 11:00

Definitely going to get legal advice

OP posts:
HighywayToHell · 22/08/2023 11:07

Coffeaddict · 22/08/2023 10:34

First off what country? Is it in the Hague convention?
Do you think there is a risk of him taking and not returning the children?

I would start by offering day trips. You say he never lived with you but did he have the kids on his own before? I'm sorry but you need to separate your emotions from him leaving from his relationship with the kids.

If there is no fear from their wellbeing or them being abducted he would be able to take you to court and most likely get 1-2 weeks holidays to take them to see his family

How is OP going to offer day trips? Ex is refusing to come back to the UK so its down to the OP to arrange passports, flights, hotels to facilitate a day trip?

If he cant be arsed to come back to the UK for a day to see his kids why should OP be the one to do it especially as no maintenance is being paid?

Coffeaddict · 22/08/2023 11:12

HighywayToHell · 22/08/2023 11:07

How is OP going to offer day trips? Ex is refusing to come back to the UK so its down to the OP to arrange passports, flights, hotels to facilitate a day trip?

If he cant be arsed to come back to the UK for a day to see his kids why should OP be the one to do it especially as no maintenance is being paid?

Show quote history

Sorry I missed that he wouldn't return to the UK.

No I wouldn't be going to him. If he wants to see them he can come and see them in a contact centre

AmyandPhilipfan · 22/08/2023 11:23

Aside from anything else if he won't come to the UK how is he expecting your kids to come to his country? For you to bring them? I'd just be claiming poverty and say there's no way you can afford passports and tickets. If he's not providing any maintenance then he can hardly argue with that.

And there's no way I would want my babies to leave the country with someone they don't know. If he wants them to go on holiday to his house then he needs to build up with that very gradually, starting with short face to face contacts in the UK.

Original poster
brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 11:33

Thanks for the responses. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my view of this because no doubt he'll try and make out in the difficult one.

Hadn't even got as far as discussing the practicalities of it, I flat out said no and his response was he is not coming to the uk and he won't pay for a hotel or tickets for me to come there when he only wants to see his daughters.

OP posts:
WeirdBarbie · 22/08/2023 11:39

Big fat absolutely fucking christ almighty NOPE. NOPE NOPE NOPE.

As per PPs, he's a stranger. A violent stranger. No fucking way should he have unsupervised contact here, let alone outside the UK.

Do not allow yourself to be guilted into facilitating this.

HighywayToHell · 22/08/2023 11:40

brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 11:33

Thanks for the responses. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my view of this because no doubt he'll try and make out in the difficult one.

Hadn't even got as far as discussing the practicalities of it, I flat out said no and his response was he is not coming to the uk and he won't pay for a hotel or tickets for me to come there when he only wants to see his daughters.

What an absolute arsehole. He does realise that young children cannot fly alone doesnt he? so if he wanted to see your children he would have to pay your ticket also. But as he wont do that then he doesnt get to see the children without making the effort himself.

I would ignore him to be honest.

Loverofoxbowlakes · 22/08/2023 11:45

brokenbitbybit · 22/08/2023 11:33

Thanks for the responses. It's nice to see that I'm not alone in my view of this because no doubt he'll try and make out in the difficult one.

Hadn't even got as far as discussing the practicalities of it, I flat out said no and his response was he is not coming to the uk and he won't pay for a hotel or tickets for me to come there when he only wants to see his daughters.

So he's not going to come here to visit them, and not going to support you to travel to visit him in Belgium.

Does he have a teleportation device?

No. If he wants to see them he does so in their home town, on your terms, under supervision. If he was in the UK he could reasonably be expected to attend a contact centre initially after not seeing them for so long, then increase gradually. Not going straight into unsupervised overnight contact in a foreign country.

Get some legal advice op.

nevynevster · 22/08/2023 11:50

I think given the ago of kids and potential issues, it is very reasonable to say that they cannot go overnight in the first instance. Rather than just say no, just say what it would take ie
"Yes you can have them for a trip once you've established a pattern of regular face to face contact, followed by a single night and gradual build up. This would need to take place once DC has had their assessment for asd/pica and then we can both be informed on the support needed for them"

You just need to not listen to his objections about not travelling to UK. That's the precursor to any trip as he has to have the regular f2f first before any discussions about overnights. End of story.

Proudgypsy · 22/08/2023 11:50

To be honest I wouldn't even be allowing the facetime calls. If he's never going to come and see them then I see no reason to allow him to facetime them. It will just cause them upset and confusion.

Epidote · 22/08/2023 12:02

There is no way you should leave your kids leaving the country without all the guarantees and without you.

Yes he is the father, but he abandoned them. Get legal advice and do not facilitate anything in terms of not doing anything off the legal advice or records.

He is not your friend, he doesn't bother about you or about them. Suddenly he care about them? He can get off.
Go legal go to full custody of the kids and get a visit regime for him and if he wants to see them he is the one to travel here.

Who that man thinks he is to be demanding nothing.

Stay strong and go legal.

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 12:04

If he will not return to the UK how does he return your children?

Isthisit22 · 22/08/2023 12:12

This is crazy. How does he expect a 2 and 1 year old to get on a plane by themselves?
offer him contact here and that’s it. You don’t even need legal advice yet until he starts any kind of legal proceedings- which will never happen as he clearly doesn’t want to spend any money on his kids.
Try not to give him too much head space. You have made your children available to him (in the place that he chose to move from) and now the ball is in his court.