Ex the abandoner wanting contact

[brokenbitbybit]

I've previously posted about my ex leaving the country and essentially abandoning me and the children. They are 2 and 1 year old.

He's made contact now, texts most days to see how they are with a 5 min FaceTime call every 3 days or so.

He messaged last night asking if we can sort out arrangements for him to see them. He said he will not return to the UK, even on a 'holiday' to visit his kids.

He basically thinks they can go on holiday to his home country and he will return them.

He has never had them overnight and did not live with us. I am absolutely not allowing my children to go there and especially without me. They've never spent a night apart from me. My two year old is on the pathway to be assessed for asd and pica.

I'm just wondering what contact I can suggest that is reasonable? I feel like there's going to be a big argument coming so just trying to prepare myself in advance

Thank you 😊

@Isthisit22 It could be he doesn't want to spend money.

it could be he wants the children there and to keep them there, and thinks OP is silly enough to bring them then leave them.

it could be when he realises she won't he spends the money to get them over there.

Just say no. Literally nothing he can do. This is one of those matters where you have control, use it.

I wouldn’t be available for every FTime call.
You really need legal advice. Write down everything you’ve put here. Make bulletpoints of his behaviour — violence, swearing, shouting , anything the children saw or heard. You need every event if possible.
Could his renewed contact be because you claimed child support? In his mind if he’s made to pay he sees his children?

What a bellend. Just ignore him. He can’t force this especially as he has no intention to come to the uk. You don’t have to facilitate the FaceTime if you don’t want to. Can’t see what benefit the children are getting out of it

Yes, but still best for OP to do nothing and wait to see his next move (if anything)

He ghosted you once, remember that?

I think it’ll look better if it ever gets to court if you have offered access.

Id offer something like face time every Monday, Wednesday and Friday at 6pm. In person contact at the same location and frequency he had before.

I appreciate that he won’t take you up on it, but I think that the crucial thing is that you have offered and it’s been his choice to turn it down.

Of you haven’t already apply for passports for the children and keep them hidden. Take a look at what he would need to get Belgium passports and make sure he doesn’t have access to it.

The time and expense of him visiting his children from Belgium is probably similar to me getting the train into my office. He absolutely can visit them.

If I remember your previous thread, there was some concern about him trying to get them passports before he left? Am I remembering that correctly? I would assume his motive for getting them there is either (a) to interfere with them living with you going forward, or (b) to avoid having to do anything with them by passing them off to the women in his family who are perhaps the driving force behind this request.

I would not let them ever visit them there if he is not an actively involved parent in their lives and you can trust him. Contact is for the benefit of the children, not the parent. If he chose to move to another country, he can choose to travel back to be a part of their lives. I suspect he will disappear again when he doesn't get his way.

Point blank no.
get legal advice!
If he wanted to see them him AND his family can travel. End of discussion.

That would be my take.

Yes @mindutopia
In the end I think he has applied for copies of the birth certificates, but when I went to court regarding the prohibitive steps order the judge assured me that he can not do anything in relation to a passport with out me finding out he has attempted it.

That's true so I've been facilitating the face time and sending photos and videos so that if and when it does go to court I can show that I have been reasonable.

Thank you for everybody who has taken the time to respond and give me advice, appreciate it.

I wouldn't have re-started contact in the first place.

If he want to move back the the UK and pay child support, fine. For now just block him.

If he wants to see them he can go through channels in your country for SUPERVISED visitation. He abandoned them and they are very young, so he's been gone long enough that he is a stranger to them. Unsupervised visitation would be traumatic, and they do not need to be put through that.

Do you know whether he has had other outstanding criminal convictions or charges? The fact that he has a history of violence and is reluctant to come back to the UK makes me wonder if he has something outstanding. Can you get a police disclosure.

I would just refuse any contact and let him take you to court - which will be hard without returning to the UK

I don't know about any other convictions, I thought there could only be a disclosure if I was in a relationship with him which I haven't been for a long time now

He doesn't tell me a reason why he won't return to uk just that he does not want to.

He's a fucking disgrace isn't he. My kids deserve better

Under Clare's Law you can apply for any history of violence or abuse. Not sure if it applies when someone has left the country but you may be able to apply for the time period that he lived here.

I would block his number

Personally with his history of violence.. I wouldn't be helping him
Have any contact with the children at all ..and my gut feeling is if he gets them alone .. he disappear with them