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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Texting female colleague

37 replies

LHJ21 · 21/08/2023 17:11

My husband has a good friendship group within his work place, they go out regularly and all message regularly.
One woman who no longer works at his branch, but within the same company messages him and I see tries to call him, even though they are no longer working together she still messages him on WhatsApp.
I don’t know what they message about but it’s making me really paranoid.
On all her social media she is very loved up with her partner, and my husband has also met her partner.

But when I have said I found it strange that she is messaging him trying to call him, he tells me I’m being stupid. I have asked to see what they are messaging about, to put my mind at rest but he is refusing to let me see. He says his messages and phone is private to him (mine is an open book with him)
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t be happy.

How would you feel? Am I being paranoid?

I have other concerns with him. But instead of talking to me and trying to make things right or listening to my concerns he just tells me to get over it.
When I try to talk about it, it usually ends up me getting angry and upset as the conversation doesn’t go anywhere.

OP posts:
yellowsmileyface · 21/08/2023 17:21

On one hand your husband has a right to his privacy. Being able to read his messages isn't a substitute for actual trust. At the point that you're asking to look at his phone, the trust is gone and you have a serious problem.

I think the other concerns are relevant here, because as an isolated incident it just sounds like he's remained friends with a former female colleague, which on it's own is perfectly reasonable. However, it seems these other concerns make up the whole picture of why you don't trust him in the first place regarding this former colleague.

JibbaJab · 21/08/2023 17:31

Depends on your other concerns but in general men can have friendships with women. Having come from a marriage where every friend but especially women was a major issue, even though I would never cheat to the point I lost contact it's hard living like that.

You either trust him or you don't, so you need to work that out, based on the other concerns you have.

RantyAnty · 21/08/2023 17:37

If it was innocent, he would let you see the messages between them.

My ex and I were very open about letting each other read messages from coworkers as we liked to gossip about people we worked with. He then became secretive about one woman. Yes, he was trying to cheat!

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 21/08/2023 17:50

If my partner was telling me that she didn't trust me and that she wanted to look at my phone, just because a friend had messaged and called me, I'd be looking at ending the relationship to be honest.

If there's other stuff going on, then maybe that changes things, but given that we don't know what that stuff is, any advice is going to be useless.

BananaSmoothie1 · 21/08/2023 19:57

I know the man is entitled to his privacy but you are his wife , you come first, and right now by not showing you the msg it seems as tho he’s putting this other woman before you. He should be wanting to put ur mind at ease and do everything he can to make sure you aren’t worrying. I’d be thinking there is something more going on. You mention there are other things as well… I’d be making an issue of the texts and I’d want to see them, to hell with privacy, If there’s nothing to hide what’s the big deal showing these to the woman he promised he’d spend his life honoring?

Daffodil18 · 21/08/2023 20:35

I wish people would bore off with the privacy/trust is gone. This sort of mantra made me put my suspicions to one side after years of gaslighting. If you love someone and something you do is making them paranoid then you show them because you love them and don’t want them to feel insecure. This is not keeping tabs on your partner but being open and transparent. Sorry to say he’s hiding something from you and if I was you I would try to look when you can get the chance.

Cheatingquestion · 21/08/2023 20:41

If you love someone and something you do is making them paranoid then you show them because you love them and don’t want them to feel insecure.

agree

5128gap · 21/08/2023 21:06

Daffodil18 · 21/08/2023 20:35

I wish people would bore off with the privacy/trust is gone. This sort of mantra made me put my suspicions to one side after years of gaslighting. If you love someone and something you do is making them paranoid then you show them because you love them and don’t want them to feel insecure. This is not keeping tabs on your partner but being open and transparent. Sorry to say he’s hiding something from you and if I was you I would try to look when you can get the chance.

Completely agree.
While asking your husband to show the messages they've sent to another woman isn't ideal, it pales into insignificance against the fact he refused. Yet here we are focusing on the OPs lack of trust as the problem.

SecondhandSalute · 21/08/2023 21:10

I’d probably refuse too. I have good male friends for decades, without the faintest flicker of sexual feeling, and wouldn’t appreciate someone checking up on me, like a child. Fortunately DH agrees. And has good female friends.

gannett · 21/08/2023 21:17

BananaSmoothie1 · 21/08/2023 19:57

I know the man is entitled to his privacy but you are his wife , you come first, and right now by not showing you the msg it seems as tho he’s putting this other woman before you. He should be wanting to put ur mind at ease and do everything he can to make sure you aren’t worrying. I’d be thinking there is something more going on. You mention there are other things as well… I’d be making an issue of the texts and I’d want to see them, to hell with privacy, If there’s nothing to hide what’s the big deal showing these to the woman he promised he’d spend his life honoring?

Respecting a friend's privacy is not putting them before anyone. It's simply respecting their privacy.

There are plenty of text exchanges with both male and female friends I wouldn't show DP, because the friend is talking about an issue they don't necessarily want him to know about. It doesn't mean I'm putting them before him.

However I wouldn't show any partner any messages on principle. If they distrust me enough that they need to be reassured by prying into my messages, they should just go ahead and leave me. Though if I ended up with anyone who actually said "to hell with privacy" they wouldn't have the chance as I'd be out the door so fast.

Bewildbefree · 21/08/2023 21:49

If it was making my partner paranoid I would just hand them the phone. If they continue to pester after seeing, I would the be annoyed. It’s simple really.

Original poster
LHJ21 · 21/08/2023 22:17

He has asked to see my phone before and I have no issues.
It didn’t usually bother me as obviously know men and women can be friends.
But due to other recent behaviour, and that she doesn’t work with him anymore something about it is really getting to me.
I’ve asked him just to put my mind at rest, then I’ll leave it at that.
But it is drawing a massive line between us and don’t see why he won’t just help put my mind as rest so I can drop it. He knows it is upsetting me and is causing issues, so why not just help out an end to it?

OP posts:
Gracebeau89 · 21/08/2023 22:25

What has his recent behaviour been like op?

Original poster
LHJ21 · 21/08/2023 22:40

@Gracebeau89 there have been a lot of issues. He had been acting half his age with colleges who are in their 20s. He is nearly mid 40s. Caught him out doing drugs a few months ago.
Luckily this friend who he was going out regularly with thankfully left the company a few weeks ago.
For about the past 3/4 months I have told him I don’t trust him and don’t want to be with him.
In about the last month he really seems to be making an effort, but I am so unhappy and paranoid about everything. I’ve explained this to him so if he wants things to get back to normal I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to put my mind at rest - unless obviously he is up to no good.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 21/08/2023 23:33

Mid life crisis time.

Being influenced by his peers, the start of reckless behaviour, defying you for wanting reasurance.

So utterly predictable, another one who is going to bugger up his marriage by taking you for granted.

I honestly don't know what to suggest as once they're on this path it seems they can't be swayed.

Gracebeau89 · 21/08/2023 23:38

Sounds like a midlife crisis Confused

Original poster
LHJ21 · 22/08/2023 00:15

And now also seen someone on his WhatsApp under the name of “unknown”
On his Lock Screen you can see some WhatsApp alerts but can’t get into them.
Saw a call come through from unknown the other day but didn’t think anything of it as thought it was a withheld number.
But he has the person saved as that.

There’s no point even asking him as it will just get turned around on me.

OP posts:
Aikko · 22/08/2023 00:47

Another cliche midlife crisis man who is going to destroy his marriage over a younger (probably) woman.

5128gap · 22/08/2023 07:29

Mid life crisis. How I dislike that term to frame the bad behaviour of aging men as somehow a life stage like menopause, that just 'happens' to them. The man is going out taking drugs and courting young women, while lying to his wife and gaslighting her that her lack of trust is the problem. Just because he's getting a bit long in the tooth doesn't turn that behaviour into an inevitable life stage to be passed through.

yellowsmileyface · 22/08/2023 08:58

Daffodil18 · 21/08/2023 20:35

I wish people would bore off with the privacy/trust is gone. This sort of mantra made me put my suspicions to one side after years of gaslighting. If you love someone and something you do is making them paranoid then you show them because you love them and don’t want them to feel insecure. This is not keeping tabs on your partner but being open and transparent. Sorry to say he’s hiding something from you and if I was you I would try to look when you can get the chance.

We all only have our own experiences and perspective to draw from. When my controlling ex asked to read my messages, I refused. I had nothing to hide, but I knew he was controlling and I knew it wouldn't end there, and out of principle felt I needed to put my foot down. Due to my experiences of controlling relationships, I'm similarly wary of the "couples should be totally transparent" mantra, and very much value my privacy.

Having said that, I can understand how for those who have experiences with unfaithful men, reluctance to show messages would have alarm bells ringing.

OP given your updates I can more so understand why you feel uneasy about this, and I agree it does sound like he has something to hide. He's obviously not going to willingly show you evidence that he's up to no good, so your only options really are to try to let it go and move on, or end things based on your suspicions.

TwoShyShy · 22/08/2023 09:04

Do you have children together?

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 10:49

Just because you feel paranoid doesn't mean you're wrong.

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 10:54

It's hard when you're in it, and it may be a while before you tear yourself away, but the subsequent months or years of this will be a total waste.

For about the past 3/4 months I have told him I don’t trust him and don’t want to be with him. But your behaviour has shown him that you will be with him anyway and that's what he is banking on.
In about the last month he really seems to be making an effort, just until you get relaxed then he can start the cycle again, then you say you don't trust him again, he expects it to be like the last time where that's just talk, and it is, so he makes a bit of an effort again, then starts the cycle again, and however long it takes you to get out you've had those months or years packed away towards nothing but I am so unhappy and paranoid about everything. for a reason I’ve explained this to him so if he wants things to get back to normal he doesn't care either way I don’t understand why he wouldn’t want to put my mind at rest because he doesn't care about you at all - unless obviously he is up to no good. he's up to no good yes, making you feel this way is up to no good.

Even if he's not shagging anyone else, you still don't trust him. You can't spend your life with someone you don't trust if you want to be happy. You have said you're not happy.

How long are you going to sentence yourself to? Seriously, tell us.
I sentenced myself to 5 years. What did I do wrong? Nothing. Still, I served that time.

So how long are you in for?

Daffodil18 · 22/08/2023 13:20

LHJ21 · 22/08/2023 00:15

And now also seen someone on his WhatsApp under the name of “unknown”
On his Lock Screen you can see some WhatsApp alerts but can’t get into them.
Saw a call come through from unknown the other day but didn’t think anything of it as thought it was a withheld number.
But he has the person saved as that.

There’s no point even asking him as it will just get turned around on me.

My ex also had his mistress saved as the phone number itself. So if it came up it would just be the number so I wouldn’t have known it was her. It was only when I’ve found out and seen the number saved in his phone book.

Original poster
LHJ21 · 22/08/2023 13:57

@TwoShyShy yes we have 3 children together (9-16).

We have been together 20yrs.

OP posts:
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