Texting female colleague

[LHJ21]

My husband has a good friendship group within his work place, they go out regularly and all message regularly.
One woman who no longer works at his branch, but within the same company messages him and I see tries to call him, even though they are no longer working together she still messages him on WhatsApp.
I don’t know what they message about but it’s making me really paranoid.
On all her social media she is very loved up with her partner, and my husband has also met her partner.

But when I have said I found it strange that she is messaging him trying to call him, he tells me I’m being stupid. I have asked to see what they are messaging about, to put my mind at rest but he is refusing to let me see. He says his messages and phone is private to him (mine is an open book with him)
If it was the other way around he wouldn’t be happy.

How would you feel? Am I being paranoid?

I have other concerns with him. But instead of talking to me and trying to make things right or listening to my concerns he just tells me to get over it.
When I try to talk about it, it usually ends up me getting angry and upset as the conversation doesn’t go anywhere.

Regardless, he doesn't respect you. I would refuse to stay with him.

What on earth does this question mean?

Jaysus

It’s a hard one as I’m in a relationship and am friends with male colleagues who are also in relationships. We do call and text and meet up, but genuinely spend time bitching about work or speaking about development opportunities or how the family is etc. Sometimes I use them as a soundboard for a work issue, sometimes they call me for advice on a work issue. We’re all actively trying to seek promotion. It hasn’t crossed into anything inappropriate so I can say in isolation, he might not be cheating on you. But as others said the context may change things.

i have never cheated but personally don’t like my partner going through my phone, because it’s essentially like reading my thoughts.

@LHJ21 can I let you know how I dealt with this situation? Over dinner, I suggested that, as this secret relationship was causing me difficulties, we go to marriage counselling. Cue huge rant about my surveillance/controlling/neurosis which I patiently listened to, then said ‘in that case, I’ll go to marriage counselling on my own - perhaps you don’t see it as a problem, but I do. And that may be my neurosis and unreasonable suspicion, but I need to talk it out, and you can be there or not be there: your choice.’

Post-script: it all fell apart months later, and we are divorced now. But I gave the situation every chance to get aired and resolved.

🤦🏻‍♀️

I think it’s pretty clear what it means.

I was going to say he needs his privacy but if he has asked to see your phone then he is being totally unreasonable.

I work with nearly all females, and we text and meet and drink together occasionally. They are not my friends, they are people who I am friendly with. It can happen.

I wouldn't lety partner go through my messages on my phone, frankly, it's none of her business.

If that means she ended the relationship with me then so be it, I wouldn't want to be with someone who didn't trust me anyway.

If you don't like your partner's behaviour, if you think he's cheating, then end the relationship based on that. You don't need to invade his privacy in order to do so.

I find it really hard given my current circumstances to accept the line of "I wouldn't let my partner look through my phone"

I agree with privacy. I support it. But if your spouse is asking for reassurance and you do have nothing to hide, why would you not?

Someone said to me recently "you become defensive if you have something to defend" and it certainly struck a cord.

I’d say I’ve changed my phone password, and please don’t ask to see it again. This relationship has to be a two way street or not at all.
honestly is he worth it? Start thinking about that. You can’t live your life monitoring him. Give him a chance (you’ve done that) and then think about what you’d like your life to be like. But stop with the him controlling you now. Message a male friend BECAUSE YOU CAN!