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Original poster

Now he can't meet

49 replies

SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 13:10

I've been talking to someone online for a while and we finally decided to meet this weekend. We've had lots of phone calls and video chats and we get on so well so far.

However, he's just told me that it's the anniversary of his mum's death this weekend and he might now be doing something with his siblings. I cancelled other arrangements for this and don't understand how arrangements with his siblings could take over two days as they're local to him. Is this him getting cold feet? Have I wasted my time yet again?

OP posts:
BananaSmoothie1 · 21/08/2023 13:15

Seems a bit too much to lie about your mothers anniversary mass etc so it possibly could be true. I suppose the 2 day thing is a bit much, maybe he’s just not feeling it as it’s the anniversary? Maybe they asked him to do these things and he couldn’t say no? It sucks that you had to cancel plans, could you do something else yourself this weekend or take up the same plans again? I’d let this one go if you really like him, and then just rearrange the meet. I’d try to rearrange straight away and if he does the same stunt again… well then it’s definitely worrisome

ThisWormHasTurned · 21/08/2023 13:15

I started OLD dating last year. I got cancelled on 7 times before I got to an actual date! Yeah it’s an excuse. I would ensure I didn’t leave it too long before arranging a date. Otherwise you get strung along.

BananaSmoothie1 · 21/08/2023 13:15

Ps, I know you don’t think he’s lying about his moms anniversary! Just the way I worded it.

Doggymummar · 21/08/2023 13:18

I don't know about your circumstances but when I was OLD I wouldn't get chatting till we had met, saves a lot of time wasting. 75% were never going to meet up.

AreWeThereYet69 · 21/08/2023 13:29

If you were really keen on meeting someone , you'd make time. An anniversary isn't a reason to be unavailable for the entire weekend. And it's annoying you'd cancelled plans to meet up.
Did he suggest an alternative time to meet?

Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 13:34

AreWeThereYet69 · 21/08/2023 13:29

If you were really keen on meeting someone , you'd make time. An anniversary isn't a reason to be unavailable for the entire weekend. And it's annoying you'd cancelled plans to meet up.
Did he suggest an alternative time to meet?

Maybe it's a big one,or a very recent death, or maybe they do something special every year, or maybe one of his sibling booked something and they are going away. It's their mum, not an anniversary of a death of a hamster or a neighbour from 10 y ago, some people do stuff around dates like that.

Boltonb · 21/08/2023 13:36

Surely he knew it was the anniversary of his mum’s death? He shouldn’t have arranged to meet this weekend

Aquamarine1029 · 21/08/2023 13:39

He's probably married, and he connects with women via OLD to stroke his ego. He didn't already know it was the anniversary this weekend? Sure he didn't.

Groutyonehereagain · 21/08/2023 13:42

Don’t waste your time on endless emails, texts etc. You need to meet to know whether there’s any chemistry. If someone drags their heels about meeting, bin them.

burnoutbabe · 21/08/2023 13:46

I would not bin him as it could be true and you do I want to be nasty.

So I'd just send a cheery message of "not a problem, let me know when you are free"

And then leave it.

Bit yes like others I have many chats that went nowhere -the one that worked was start chatting Wednesday and met for quick drink on the following bank holiday Monday.

ChristmasFluff · 21/08/2023 14:03

You've been talking for a while and now he's cancelled - I don't buy the anniversary of his mother's death line for one second. He just knows you will be too polite to query it. He's one who wants a pen-pal/ego-boost/free chats.

I agree with PP, just message to say fine and to let you know when he's ready to go on the date - if he's genuine, he'll rearrange. And don't acccept further calls and videos until you have been on the date, because you will be wasting your time.

Instead, get back on the apps and arrnaging dates with other people

On another note, don't ever cancel other plans for a date with a stranger - and until you meet him, he is a stranger. The calls and video calls don't count and they just create a false intimacy.

Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 15:14

See that is what I think, that doing something in memory of his mum wouldn't take the whole two days he was free. He also volunteers at a place which is a massive hobby of his and I think that that's probably become his priority this weekend.

OP posts:
my82my · 21/08/2023 15:18

Did he suggest an alternative date or just cancel with no mention of rearranging?

roses321 · 21/08/2023 15:52

Have a clear goal for dates rather than wasting your time wondering why.

First off, you're not there for a pen pal. If you get along and chat a bit great, if they don't invite you out then stop responding. That's what I do.

Secondly if they cancel, it doesn't matter why or whether it's genuine, it's messing you about so you do what another poster has suggested and say "no problem at all, let me know if you want to re-arrange" then you LEAVE IT.

Thirdly, you do not cancel your plans or change anything until you have a time and date of meeting.

In this case I would give him a pass IF he contacts you to re-arrange due to the reason he's given you, but if he doesn't you don't contact him again.

I went on a date recently with a guy and didn't hear from him after that, I gave him 48 hours then deleted him. He obviously didn't like me but was suggesting during the date that we do this that and the next thing.

Problem with online dating is that there are just a lot of people who want to waste your time and so you have to have some rules of operation which sounds very business like but unfortunately that's how it has to be otherwise your time is wasted endlessly by people who don't owe you anything... but just don't forget you don't owe them anything either.

80s · 21/08/2023 16:11

I could just about imagine that he didn't think he and his siblings were going to do anything, and that now someone has said they should, and he feels obliged, and it might involve the whole afternoon and evening.

However, if that did happen, I'd expect him to explain exactly how it was going to take up all that time, and to be massively apologetic for it coming up at the last minute, and for putting you out. Without that, in your position I'd politely say "It's been nice chatting but I will be bowing out now."

80s · 21/08/2023 16:12

And yes, you'll waste less time if you only chat briefly before meeting.

Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 17:26

He didn't suggest an alternative date. I can't see that he'd be busy all weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 17:26

He didn't suggest an alternative date. I can't see that he'd be busy all weekend.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 21/08/2023 17:32

Bin him. He's likely married.

Weeks, months, of chats, calls, are a waste of time.

Chat, phone call, FaceTime, then meet within a week.

roses321 · 21/08/2023 17:33

SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 17:26

He didn't suggest an alternative date. I can't see that he'd be busy all weekend.

So what if he's busy or not, at the end of the day it's not really your business to be honest.

Either way, if he doesn't come back to you bin him off.

snowlady4 · 21/08/2023 17:38

When I did OLD, about 5 years ago, there was an awful cancel culture. You'd make plans and half expect them to cancel. You would never be sure a date would actually happen. Alot of people just want to be penpals for some reason, it seems, I have no idea why.
It's the same now for my single friends doing OLD. Too easy to send a text making an excuse not to meet. Very off putting.
I actually wouldn't totally buy his line of 'might be doing something with siblings for anniversary,' it's very vague. Surely you would know if you were doing something something for it? However, you can't say you don't buy it. Give him the benefit of the doubt on this occasion but ask for an alternative when does suit him to meet. If he won't make plans (and stick to them,) stop wasting your precious time and energy on him!
Let us know how you get on!

C1N1C · 21/08/2023 17:41

Doggymummar · 21/08/2023 13:18

I don't know about your circumstances but when I was OLD I wouldn't get chatting till we had met, saves a lot of time wasting. 75% were never going to meet up.

Interesting perspective... I wouldn't meet up UNTIL I'd had some decent conversation. It's a lot to organise for someone you might not click with.

Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 18:13

I've told him we should leave things as he's a very busy person. It wasn't as if he said that he'll let me know what day he can do as he may be doing something with his siblings, he just said he'll be busy the weekend we had something planned and had forgotten it was the anniversary of his mother's death. As we both have other things on over the coming weeks we wouldn't be able to meet for another month. I feel as if I'm to be single forever. I've wasted so much time texting this man and on video calls to him.

OP posts:
MissHarrietBede · 21/08/2023 18:20

I've wasted so much time texting this man and on video calls to him.

Not wasted, as you've now learned not to do that in future.

CapEBarra · 21/08/2023 19:01

If you’ve been chatting for 2 weeks give him the benefit of the doubt for another week. If it has been 2 months he’s married and he doesn’t want to meet. He just wants his ego stroked with maybe a bit of sexting and/or a couple of saucy pics.