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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Now he can't meet

49 replies

SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 13:10

I've been talking to someone online for a while and we finally decided to meet this weekend. We've had lots of phone calls and video chats and we get on so well so far.

However, he's just told me that it's the anniversary of his mum's death this weekend and he might now be doing something with his siblings. I cancelled other arrangements for this and don't understand how arrangements with his siblings could take over two days as they're local to him. Is this him getting cold feet? Have I wasted my time yet again?

OP posts:
Hiddenvoice · 21/08/2023 19:04

I don’t think I’d see it as an excuse, it just depends what the anniversary is. He may have been free and now his siblings have chosen to do something and may be finding it hard so he might want to be there for him.

Has he replied to your message?

Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 19:10

He's definitely not married. We video chat at any time of the day or night and I often video call him unannounced so he's not hiding a wife.

I'm a bit pissed off because there are two days we could meet and he can't give me a few hours on one of those days. He's also been super keen but cooled off in the tone of the messages earlier today.

He also sent a bit of an odd message too.

OP posts:
WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 19:10

Doggymummar · 21/08/2023 13:18

I don't know about your circumstances but when I was OLD I wouldn't get chatting till we had met, saves a lot of time wasting. 75% were never going to meet up.

God I agree with this! So many time wasters who like the attention of it all but don’t actually have any intention of meeting up with anyone.

I met my DH via OLD and I messaged him first on a Wednesday evening and then we had our first date 48 hours later.

I think a long build up of phone calls and messages etc can make the realityof meeting face-to-face even more terrifying / awkward 😬

Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 19:13

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 19:10

God I agree with this! So many time wasters who like the attention of it all but don’t actually have any intention of meeting up with anyone.

I met my DH via OLD and I messaged him first on a Wednesday evening and then we had our first date 48 hours later.

I think a long build up of phone calls and messages etc can make the realityof meeting face-to-face even more terrifying / awkward 😬

Show quote history

I wonder if he's got cold feet.

I absolutely think it's his mums anniversary but I also believe their plans won't take all weekend.

OP posts:
Aerin1999 · 21/08/2023 19:13

He has lost interest. Sorry.

Jevwaypock · 21/08/2023 19:18

Give him the benefit of the doubt for now, my OH forgets his mums anniversary every year (I think they block it out) and it hits him hard because his siblings remind him every year, maybe he is going to be really upset and doesn’t want to be down when he meets you.

if he doesn’t suggest another date or does and then cancels again then I’d forget it.

Doubt he is married if he has time to call and video chat you often

WantingToEducate · 21/08/2023 19:19

SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 19:13

I wonder if he's got cold feet.

I absolutely think it's his mums anniversary but I also believe their plans won't take all weekend.

Show quote history

How long have you been talking to him for?

People usually only get cold feet about going on a date with someone that they don’t really know, like a blind date for example and so pull out at the last minute.

It doesn’t make logical sense that he’d suddenly get cold feet if you’ve already had weeks of messaging and phone calls. I mean, what would he have to be scared about?!

Olika · 21/08/2023 19:25

I would stop investing in him and continue living my life. If he truly wants to meet you, he will make it happen.

Original poster
SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 19:51

We were also both clear from talking that we were both looking for something to develop into a potential relationship. Now he's saying that he's looking for fun and if I'm looking for a stop gap then he's there for me. Fucking men!!! I could cry right now. I thought I'd found a good one.

OP posts:
MrsFiddle · 21/08/2023 20:01

I think men always pull the family card when they want not to meet but maybe hang on just in case.

AreWeThereYet69 · 21/08/2023 20:01

Sorry OP, he's a dick head....better he showed himself for what he was early on.
You haven't wasted your time, you've learnt from this.
Next time, talk for a couple of days max and then meet for a coffee. You'll get a much better impression of someone in person.
Onwards

MrsFiddle · 21/08/2023 20:02

SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 19:51

We were also both clear from talking that we were both looking for something to develop into a potential relationship. Now he's saying that he's looking for fun and if I'm looking for a stop gap then he's there for me. Fucking men!!! I could cry right now. I thought I'd found a good one.

He's a dickhead.

Cocopogo · 21/08/2023 20:08

Least you found out now

Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 20:39

Better find now than in a few months time, a blessing in disguise.

80s · 22/08/2023 10:12

AreWeThereYet69 · 21/08/2023 20:01

Sorry OP, he's a dick head....better he showed himself for what he was early on.
You haven't wasted your time, you've learnt from this.
Next time, talk for a couple of days max and then meet for a coffee. You'll get a much better impression of someone in person.
Onwards

Exactly. Sorry you've had to learn the hard way but this guy is clearly flakier than a bad case of dandruff.

DosCervezas · 22/08/2023 13:09

I'd go as high as 90% that he's making excuses, even if it is the actual anniversary . Probably married too.

whatwhatinthebutt · 22/08/2023 13:28

You can simplify this process by matching their energy.
That's the rule. Give what they give. It's up to him now to reel you back in with a bit of effort. Otherwise just keep chatting online and find someone else to meet up with.

FiddleLeaf · 22/08/2023 13:30

If he hasn’t made an effort in getting you booked in for another date, he simply isn’t worth your time.

I’m skeptical about the excuse too tbh.

Glad you found out before investing more time in the plonker.

CapEBarra · 22/08/2023 13:37

I’d just reply, “Okey dokey, all the best’.

baileys6904 · 22/08/2023 13:42

Actually I lost my brother 30 years ago. Most years I'm absolutely fine and can get on with life, some years it still hits me for 6 and I literally want to curl up and reminisce what our lives could have been ( he died when I was young, so my child has no uncle, cousins etc). I can absolutely appreciate not wanting to socialise or be at my best when feeling like that, so don't think anyone should be judging on thta basis only.

However based on the latest, ' if you're looking for a stop gap I'm your man' update, the guy is an absolute tool and not worth the mental effort

villamariavintrapp · 22/08/2023 13:47

I imagine he's dating several women and he's got a better offer for this weekend. It may or may not be his mum's anniversary, and he may or may not have plans with siblings, but if he wanted to meet you, he would.

Ladybug14 · 22/08/2023 13:53

SpeedbirdSquawker · 21/08/2023 18:13

I've told him we should leave things as he's a very busy person. It wasn't as if he said that he'll let me know what day he can do as he may be doing something with his siblings, he just said he'll be busy the weekend we had something planned and had forgotten it was the anniversary of his mother's death. As we both have other things on over the coming weeks we wouldn't be able to meet for another month. I feel as if I'm to be single forever. I've wasted so much time texting this man and on video calls to him.

My advice is chat to and date multiple men at once.

When you find a man you want to be exclusive with (and vice versa) and sleep with (although i appreciate that you might want to sleep with some dates before youre exclusive) THEN you can just see him

Don't waste time only chatting to one man, only dating one man.

Its a waste of your valuable time

Of course, once you're exclusive, then that's a different ball game

Eyerolllll · 22/08/2023 14:13

If your initial gut reaction told you that it’s an excuse it probably is.

On a first date a lad text me AFTER the time we were due to meet saying he had walked his dog and it had injured it’s paw. He didn’t live close to me (about 45 min drive) so I questioned why an hour before our date he wasn’t getting ready / on his way - why instead walking his dog? He knew I was annoyed and then he sent me a pic of injured paw. My initial reaction was it just felt a bit off and like he was trying to prove it too much.

We did meet up a couple of times but a few more issues:

  • Cancelled because he had just had a job interview and needed to go home and change (his interview was in the area I worked - why not just meet there - who cares if you’re dressed smart?)
  • Didn’t turn up for a date and text me two days later saying he has slept in as he was hungover - tweets suggested he’d been with another woman…
  • After grovelling r.e. the above and saying he’d make it up to me (I was sceptical obv) he didn’t text me for a week and said he’d had no signal whilst he’d been up a mountain - he’d been tweeting…

Pathetic man. 😂 I found him a suspicious guy hence finding him on Twitter to see what was really going on 🕵️‍♀️

Wouldyouguess · 22/08/2023 16:41

@Eyerolllll love the mountain excuse 😂

I once had someone cancel a date 5 minutes before meeting (it took me over an hour to get there) because his ex was in town and he wanted to meet up with her. 😅

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