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Original poster

He was on Bumble during our date

60 replies

Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 07:26

It’s only been a couple of weeks. No we haven’t agreed exclusivity as in officially together but did have a chat that we weren’t seeing or sleeping with others currently.

His location had changed to the area we were in. Must have been when I was at the bar ordering another round.

Later once he was back home, his location changed again to home.

I find that so so rude.

Especially since he is the one who pushes to see each other again, always texts first etc. It’s just hurtful.

How do you say, I find you being on the app whilst you were out with me and in general swiping, a piss take …without looking like you’ve gone nuts.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 07:54

@harerunner longer than 2 weeks. Thanks for bumble link.

OP posts:
CutiePatooties · 21/08/2023 07:54

harerunner · 21/08/2023 07:50

Two weeks isn't much further on than first date!

Show quote history

@Wherethecrawdadssingg apologies for the first date comment, I’ve obviously assumed incorrectly but also this.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 07:55

Wherethecrawdadssingg

if you feel a lack of trust this early there are reasons !! Bumble aside

what specifically about him makes you not trust him ? What are the small things he’s said and done to lead to this ?

AnotherCountryMummy · 21/08/2023 07:55

You're obviously not at the point where you're exclusive and have agreed to delete dating apps, so surely he's in his right to go on it whenever he wants? You sound paranoid and controlling. It's no different to quickly answering a WhatsApp while you get the drinks.

Unless you've agreed to be exclusive, in which case you shouldn't have the app either.

RadioFoot · 21/08/2023 07:56

You're being odd, OP. You haven't proof he was on the app and you're angry.

Incidentally... I am newly dating someone and opened the app to look at his profile. I was annoyed he'd deleted it as I wanted to look.at.our chat and photos..anyway it's lucky he didn't jump to conclusions about me. And also, as someone burned by men on apps, I don't ever delete my profile. Men come and go but bumble is a constant.

harerunner · 21/08/2023 07:58

Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 07:54

@harerunner longer than 2 weeks. Thanks for bumble link.

Ok, but your very first words were "it's only been a couple of weeks"

AuntMarch · 21/08/2023 07:59

If you had to go into the app to notice he'd been online, he wasn't on it during the date? It only means he opened the app.... so did you 🤷‍♀️

harerunner · 21/08/2023 08:04

Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 07:54

@harerunner longer than 2 weeks. Thanks for bumble link.

You're welcome, but I found this after 30 seconds of searching, and I'm not invested at all.... Why the hell wouldn't you do this, but jump to the worst possible conclusion instead?

If you are so quick to jump to angry wild conclusions with no attempt to consider entirely plausible alternatives, you're a dangerous person to date, and I'd advise your date to run for the hills... as there'll soon be a next time you'll accuse him on a whim.

Original poster
Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 08:09

@harerunner because it’s helpful to have mumsnet forum as a sounding board, same as many others use it for.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 08:10

@RadioFoot not angry just hurt. Haha I like that saying bumble is constant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 08:13

@Thisisworsethananticpated It’s first time in a long time I’ve had a proper click and connection. Feel quite protective of it but also as previous poster put, that way madness lies!

I try to judge actions more than words so when he’s putting in effort in terms of being the main driver of communication and contact and dates and seeing each other etc, and then you see the bumble location change it makes the mind wander.

OP posts:
ChristmasCrumpet · 21/08/2023 08:13

Maybe he couldn't remember your age and was double checking or something like that? It's not always sinister.

TLDRfuckers · 21/08/2023 08:14

This relationship is doomed. Move on OP.

CapEBarra · 21/08/2023 08:32

You’re checking up on him. You’ve only been on a couple of dates and you’re not exclusive. You are both on a dating app - he’s been checking it - and you’ve been checking it. He’s not doing anything wrong, but I’m not sure you understand how OLD works. It’s a numbers game, so until you’ve had the conversation you’re not going exclusive and should be getting out and about and meeting people.

Wouldyouguess · 21/08/2023 08:48

He's probably wondering the same about you.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 21/08/2023 10:09

Wherethecrawdadssingg

Im similar and it’s not good and it’s not healthy

MN doesn’t help as so many posts are from women that are being cheated on !
but I also know that men are not finding it any easier than us to find someone they connect with

look he likes you and is driving comms so you have the upper hand

just ask him straight , and know that you might risk him saying no 👎

but it’s a VERY reasonable ask if you are having sex
and maybe he’s thinking the same ?

GLORIAGloriarse · 21/08/2023 10:20

What has caused such mistrust in him that has led you to check up on him and start posting? It's only a 'couple of weeks in' in your words, however much you like him. This is not a healthy start, OP so take action. Either ask him to be exclusive and delete profiles while you see how things go, or if you think the causes of this uncertainty are solid enough then call it a day.

Bumble can update without being online, and people can open it mindlessly. He could still of course be swiping furiously, or keeping one eye idly on it until you establish exclusivity. You need to decide what has made you think the worst, him or you, and act accordingly. MN is full of great advice but people usually look for advice when in difficulty so you can't take stories of infidelity etc out of proportion.

Mmhmmn · 21/08/2023 10:46

Why would that make you look nuts? He looks nuts. He's really not worth a second thought if that's what he's up to on your dates. Just wow.

supercali77 · 21/08/2023 10:48

OLD can make a person very cynical after a while, so many men are already attached/still swiping etc. It can induce cynicism in an otherwise optimistic person.

I understand why you checked - I am confused about you saying 2 weeks and then suggesting it's much longer, which is it? It does make a difference.

When I was still OLD and actively seeking a relationship - If they were using the app after sleeping together it just wasn't for me. I don't believe in the whole 'exclusive' chat nonsense. No drama, just - i'm out.

I learned this after initially being more loose about app useage, doing the whole exclusive chat business and realising - Either someone's into you and vice versa or not

IamSaved · 21/08/2023 10:52

I personally wouldn't be too bothered at this stage.

You said there is no exclusivity yet.

Instead of questioning him about this (which would make you come across negatively), I would start the conversation about where this is leading, whether he feels like there should be exclusivity etc.

If you notice him on Bumble after the boundaries have been set, then there would be a problem.

Original poster
Wherethecrawdadssingg · 21/08/2023 11:09

Thanks all your advice is appreciated

OP posts:
Anotherparkingthread · 21/08/2023 12:37

People on here with absolutely shockingly low self respect. If a man on a date with you is actively using dating apps he isnt into you, but may think youre okay for a shag. Op you're right to be upset, he's a desprespectful twat. Dump him but don't tell him why.

The standards on here are absolutely on the floor. You deserve way better. You're right to be insulted by his behaviour, it's rotten.

harerunner · 21/08/2023 13:11

Anotherparkingthread · 21/08/2023 12:37

People on here with absolutely shockingly low self respect. If a man on a date with you is actively using dating apps he isnt into you, but may think youre okay for a shag. Op you're right to be upset, he's a desprespectful twat. Dump him but don't tell him why.

The standards on here are absolutely on the floor. You deserve way better. You're right to be insulted by his behaviour, it's rotten.

That's true, but there's nothing to suggest he was actively using Bumble!
It's important to be wary, of course, but always assuming the worst won't be a recipe for a happy relationship!

TedMullins · 21/08/2023 13:39

Anotherparkingthread · 21/08/2023 12:37

People on here with absolutely shockingly low self respect. If a man on a date with you is actively using dating apps he isnt into you, but may think youre okay for a shag. Op you're right to be upset, he's a desprespectful twat. Dump him but don't tell him why.

The standards on here are absolutely on the floor. You deserve way better. You're right to be insulted by his behaviour, it's rotten.

This is silly hyperbole. I'm a woman and I continued chatting to people on dating apps until my boyfriend and I were about 2 months in and agreed we wanted to be in an exclusive relationship. I went on a few other dates in the first couple of weeks too. And it wasn't because I thought he was only good for a shag, but we didn't know each other yet so I saw no reason to cut off other conversations prematurely.

ChristmasCrumpet · 21/08/2023 14:45

Anotherparkingthread · 21/08/2023 12:37

People on here with absolutely shockingly low self respect. If a man on a date with you is actively using dating apps he isnt into you, but may think youre okay for a shag. Op you're right to be upset, he's a desprespectful twat. Dump him but don't tell him why.

The standards on here are absolutely on the floor. You deserve way better. You're right to be insulted by his behaviour, it's rotten.

Except so was OP.

Checking to see if he was.

Just like he could have been.

Or, forgotten something she'd written in her profile, and didn't want to look like he couldn't remember her age/if she goes to the gym/how many children she has, so quickly double checked.

That fact he was on it at that time, I wouldn't read too much in too. His actions subsequently, whether he showed interest, whether he actively made contact, if he arranged further dates, and then if he was now stopping his activity on a dating site, is where I would place my judgement.