Partner needs space, is he going to end the relationship?

[Leab23]

I (23) have been staying at my parents since Thursday [its now sunday] with our daughter (2.5) since my fiance (26) said he needed space.

It all started on the Wednesday, he broke down at work and came home early. He's a head chef at a high end restaurant. He's been unhappy with work for a while, but he's rarely emotional and it came as a shock ans I was immediately worried about him. After DD went to bed, we had an incredibly emotional chat and he said he doesn't know what's wrong other than he is unhappy at work and at home. I'm a SAHM, but finishing my MA in September and intending to do my PhD next year. I'm also starting work 2 days a week from September.

He said he's mostly confused, sad, and doesn't know what he wants, if he still wants the same career or what direction his life is going to go in. We have a bit of debt, and he is a smoker which I believe are holding us back from progressing in life, as in having savings, getting a mortgage, married or even just doing nice things because we don't have a lot of spare money.

He said he wants to be on his own, I asked if there were things I had done to make him feel this way and he did say that being at home is hard because I have bad moods that I take out in him sometimes, I know this, my mum has always been like this and it kills me that I present the same, but I am trying to work on it. I get overwhelmed with uni, a toddler and managing the house, but I really try, and he does help out when he's off. The days he works he leaves at 10:30am and is home around 12hrs later sometimes more. I compelrly get he's stressed and exhausted, ans I have been quite needy and anxious which he told me is hard for him so I've been working through that while we've been apart. I thought I'd be able to go home today, but he said last night he needed more time and it broke my heart a little bit.

I asked him when he thought he might be ready for us to come home and he read but never replied, I rang because out daughter wanted to speak to him expecting him to be home after seeing his parents today, but he was at a friend's house which caught me off guard ans I was hurt. He's been messaging me as normal and saying he loves me and he's not said he wants to break up...

But my gut is telling me he's not being completely honest. I asked his mum how he was and she said he was sad and confused, and when I said did he say what he was feeling about our relationship she replied that he doesn't know what he wants.

It's breaking me and I'm struggling to keep it together for our daughter. He's off work today till Tuesday and after speaking to my sister I messaged him saying I was going to come home alone to talk because I need answers and we need to talk. He asked about what but I only said its a conversation for face to face, which he's read but not replied.

Overall, I don't know what to do. Should I leave him? Ignore my gut feeling? I've been suggesting ways we can be more financially stable, I told him I would delay my PhD and work to help support our family, but he's not said whether he wants any of it. Am I pushing him too hard? I'm beginning to feel sad and confused too, and I guess I'm wondering if he's just building up to breaking off our relationship. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.

I think you should definitely consider delaying your PhD. Saying that his smoking habit holds you both down while your initial plan involved minimal financial contribution is a bit red flag. It may work of course - but not when the main breadwinner is suffering from work-related burnout.

I understand that you are trying but sometimes our best intentions and attempts are simply not good enough

By your own admission - you've already pushed too hard. Despite him helping out and working hard, you still put more pressure and blame at his shoulders. This person has suffered a breakdown and there is no easy fix for that

and looking for comfort from other people (his family, friends) is not something unusual, you're no longer a person who can offer him support that he clearly needs

Is he an introvert?

I don’t think it’s ok for him to treat your child as optional like this.

Hmm actually I disagree with PP.
I understand he has had a breakdown and work is stressful.
But OP Is also at home full time with a toddler and doing a degree. That in itself is bloody hard work. Especially when a partner is out of the house those long hours.
I see here that OP is actually taking into consideration her husbands wants and needs. But where have hers been taken into consideration? She was told to leave with a toddler in tow and has been told not to come back until told to do so! Imagine this was a women saying this to a man. It doesn’t happen does it. Or rarely. The woman usually stay with the child and is left to deal with burn out and parenting.

I think in reality he needs to figure out what he wants and stop hanging OP like a puppet on a piece of string. It’s out of order. They’re either in it together and working through his burn out. Or they are not. If he is unhappy in his job. That is something he needs to change because it seems its only OP making all the changes right now.

He's very extroverted, confident, loud and out going

He was initially happy to support me while I study, he's never said otherwise. He's never been very good at being financially responsible and because it's not my money I struggle to speak up when bills need paying because I don't want to infringe upon him. We have the dilemma of me working full time and sorting childcare because nursery or child minders are our only options. Alongside my two days work from September, my sister has offered me flexible hours working as a body piercer in the tattoo shop she works which I am happy to do. I want to work and support, but I don't drive (in the process of finding an instructor) but it's expensive and so is childcare. I have used all my student loans to go towards paying for bills when I had them.

I'm in no way blaming him, I empathise with him heavily as I have struggled with MH since I was a teen.

Well, first of all, you can go home any time you like. Because it's your and your DD's home.

But here we have yet another example of a female staying at home while her partner pursues his career and yet again she is left to figure out how to support her own career herself. Because shock horror. The male decides it’s not what he wants anymore.

I sympathise with mental health issues. What I can’t get on board with is making others suffer as a result of this.

There are things he can change to help his issues OP and that’s what should be his focus. You’re hard on him because his problems are effecting you too and that’s the side people are quick to dismiss.

Every time he gets a new job, we move house as he doesn't drive either and because of chef hours public transport isn't available to go home. He's also supported me for my future career by being the bread winner so I can look after DD and study. Despite the fact I bring in no money, it's always felt equal in thr work load because I do all the things around the house, I wait up for him to get home from work so we can spend time together and eat together. I can't wait till I have finished with my studies so I can start bringing in similar money with a good job, it's just taking me little while to get there

Anytime I hear a man say he wants space…and he’s stressed with ‘work’…there’s usually another woman.

Leave him to it, OP. Don’t chase. and listen to your gut feeling.

do you have family who can support you?

He has found another woman. I'd bet my house on it. He's playing the "I'm so confused and stressed" card to deflect from the affair.

It's over.

He should have been the one to leave your home if he needed space. He has a mum so why didn't he go and stay at hers?
Unbelievable that he would ask you and his daughter to leave.
He is selfish and thoughtless and when is he planning on being in contact with your dd who is missing him??
Sorry, but because I find it so shocking he's made you and your toddler leave for fuck knows how long I think I don't really care much that he is having a bit of a meh time and you shouldn't be treated like this.

This.

This was my first thought.

The script came to mind,

I agree with this! Why are you thinking of doing a PHd next year when you're already struggling financially? You only bring in 2 days wages a week!

I feel really sorry for him to be honest, but I'll definitely be in the minority.

Whether its burnout or stress or the script, whatever it is - id step back from getting answers from him now (pushing never helps anything), and figure out how you are going to survive if the relationship does fall apart.

Hes not ok, you need to be ok (classically woman always has to keep her shit together, it's not fair but it is the way).

What can you do? Free childcare when your dc turns 3? Help from your mum? Delay the PhD and get work early in your chosen career?

I agree with this

Trust me when I say everyone on MN will say he is having an affair.
a man isn’t allowed to have a breakdown or be confused on here without another woman being involved on here.

I would go round there without your daughter for a chat. Be honest with him. Then if he still wants space- give him space! Don’t make contact with him until he makes contact with you.

also why did you and your daughter leave, why didn’t he leave??

There are several things going on here and your youth

Your studies are important but given your current situation I’m not sure that post graduate studies should be the priority. Your partner needs to work out if his high pressured job is compatible with his home life and or personality.

You and your partner are very young and have appeared to have completely bypassed the advantages of youth by opting for a life of extreme responsibility and stress.

I understand that you both think that putting in the hard work now will pay off later but if you are both stressed how are you going to enjoy or benefit from it.

Your partner has asked for space and given that you would both be fucked financially if he stopped working, I understand why he thinks that your relationship is the one that has to give. It’s been days, breakdowns are slow car crashes not a spontaneous combustion. I would make contact with him and agree a contact schedule for him and his daughter.

I understand your anxiety and fears but resist the urge to fix things because you can’t, in fact the more you try to ‘help’ the worse you will make it.

I don’t know what the future holds for your family but your work home life balance was unsustainable and together or apart, you are going to have to find a better balance.

he did say that being at home is hard because I have bad moods that I take out in him sometimes, I know this, my mum has always been like this and it kills me that I present the same, but I am trying to work on it

So he works 12 hours, you wait up for him & then presumably start moaning?

What are you qualified to do? I think being SAHM is uncommon unless your partner is loaded nowadays. I am sure you get free childcare hours nowadays? You need to go and find a job which pays enough to help toward the cost of the house. Will working in piercing and tattoo place be enough money?

I imagine he is overwhelmed by working long hours in a kitchen & being the sole wage earner.

On MN people always claim looking after one toddler is the hardest job in the world. I always found looking after my own baby/toddler easier than a full day teaching. I would say a full day in a hot kitchen is also harder work.

Is your PhD going to lead to a solid career and allow you to earn a decent wage when you're finished? I think that's the key question here.

If so, then it's worth the financial sacrifice and short term pain. If not, then you need to rethink as you're financially vulnerable and may well end up a single parent and unable to fund it anyway.

He sounds burnt out and struggling. Not sure I'd leap straight to thinking there's another woman. That's not helpful and shuts down a conversation on what's really going on between you to.

Get a babysitter lined up, invite him for coffee in a neutral space and sit down to talk it out. You both may need to rethink your plan because it's not working.

I had actually been feeling like this a while a go, but he was very reassuring and even let me check his phone. We have a great relationship prior to this and he's still messaging me in a way that sounds like we are together so I don't think so...

He didn't leave because he doesn't drive and we live in walking distance to his work place, his hours are unsociable and there's no pic transport that would be him home.

I really don't think he is having an affair either, thank you for saying that bit

No I don't "Start moaning" I ask him about his day, I tell him about mine, we watch TV or be intimate and we have dinner together, maybe a couple of drinks to help him unwind. Sometimes he works out at home or goes to the gym. Sometimes I'm still doing uni work when he gets home.

Start preparing for the worst OP.

You are both very young to have a child and my take is that he no longer wants family life.

I think you need to rethink your Phd unless you can get real funding.

I think you should start organising how you are going to do this on your own.

This is the long goodbye from him.

He no longer wants to be with you but is feeling guilt because you have a child together.

It's going to be very hard but the sooner you start to organise yourself the better.

Housing is your first concern.

Will your family be able to help?

You need to put your very practical head on and start planning.

His guilt may drag this out, but the end will be the same, he wants out of this grown up set up.

I'm so sorry.