Partner needs space, is he going to end the relationship?

[Leab23]

I (23) have been staying at my parents since Thursday [its now sunday] with our daughter (2.5) since my fiance (26) said he needed space.

It all started on the Wednesday, he broke down at work and came home early. He's a head chef at a high end restaurant. He's been unhappy with work for a while, but he's rarely emotional and it came as a shock ans I was immediately worried about him. After DD went to bed, we had an incredibly emotional chat and he said he doesn't know what's wrong other than he is unhappy at work and at home. I'm a SAHM, but finishing my MA in September and intending to do my PhD next year. I'm also starting work 2 days a week from September.

He said he's mostly confused, sad, and doesn't know what he wants, if he still wants the same career or what direction his life is going to go in. We have a bit of debt, and he is a smoker which I believe are holding us back from progressing in life, as in having savings, getting a mortgage, married or even just doing nice things because we don't have a lot of spare money.

He said he wants to be on his own, I asked if there were things I had done to make him feel this way and he did say that being at home is hard because I have bad moods that I take out in him sometimes, I know this, my mum has always been like this and it kills me that I present the same, but I am trying to work on it. I get overwhelmed with uni, a toddler and managing the house, but I really try, and he does help out when he's off. The days he works he leaves at 10:30am and is home around 12hrs later sometimes more. I compelrly get he's stressed and exhausted, ans I have been quite needy and anxious which he told me is hard for him so I've been working through that while we've been apart. I thought I'd be able to go home today, but he said last night he needed more time and it broke my heart a little bit.

I asked him when he thought he might be ready for us to come home and he read but never replied, I rang because out daughter wanted to speak to him expecting him to be home after seeing his parents today, but he was at a friend's house which caught me off guard ans I was hurt. He's been messaging me as normal and saying he loves me and he's not said he wants to break up...

But my gut is telling me he's not being completely honest. I asked his mum how he was and she said he was sad and confused, and when I said did he say what he was feeling about our relationship she replied that he doesn't know what he wants.

It's breaking me and I'm struggling to keep it together for our daughter. He's off work today till Tuesday and after speaking to my sister I messaged him saying I was going to come home alone to talk because I need answers and we need to talk. He asked about what but I only said its a conversation for face to face, which he's read but not replied.

Overall, I don't know what to do. Should I leave him? Ignore my gut feeling? I've been suggesting ways we can be more financially stable, I told him I would delay my PhD and work to help support our family, but he's not said whether he wants any of it. Am I pushing him too hard? I'm beginning to feel sad and confused too, and I guess I'm wondering if he's just building up to breaking off our relationship. Any kind words or advice would be appreciated.

Whatever is going on with him you need to rethink further studies and focus on getting a good job and having financial independence. Your options and your ability to provide for your DD are very limited without a decent salary.

i think you need to go back to your home, why can’t he go and stay with his mum if he’s the one that needs space?

Hmm.

I am not sure you get the luxury of space when you have children. You cannot just send them away while you spend days with your throughts - at least, you shouldn't.

What you do get, is to sit doown with your partner and discuss what is not working, to try to plan and agree the kind of life you want together, and to decide how you are going to get there.

If he's not going to do that, then I would agree with the advice to really look at your own situation and make contigency plans in case you end up having to go it alone.

What does he smoke op? Tobacco or weed?

Sounds like another women.

I spent a decade working in the industry and it would be easier to tell you the chefs that werent sleeping with the front of house staff as there were much fewer of them.

I also agree that he is probably resenting you being a SAHM when a Head Chef salary isnt SAHM territory.

You are clearly clever but you have put yourself in a stupidly vulnerable position at a young age. I'd be making plans for family support to make it on my own. He will be very unlikely to pull his weight as a coparent.

Smokes and doesn’t drive. And works unsociable hours. All that just makes everyone’s lives more difficult.

Trust me when I say everyone on MN will say he is having an affair.

and how many times is MN wrong?

OP, either way, this is the long goodbye from him. I’ve been there. So have many others.

You’re getting great advice to get sorted on a practical and financial level. It’s tough, but you’ll get through it.

Just because he 'needs space' that surely doesn't preclude you for returning home with your young child? Sleep separately, eat separately and go to bed when you're tired, don't wait up for him until midnight, that's ludicrous. Him off out seeing a friend would indicate he's just wanting a different life right now. So that's fine, let him have it but don't give up your stability.

Sod that.
Get yourselves home, if he continues to need space he can take it elsewhere and take time off sick from work.
Please don't let him make these unrealistic demands on you and your child

I think this could be the beginning of something long term when it comes to his MH.

I've been here multiple times with my partner and I've learnt my lessons with what works and what doesn't. I'd Stop the contact acting/talking like everything is normal and OK because it isn't. Make sure he knows you acknowledge he's having a MH crisis right now and you would like to be there for him but this is also affecting your MH. Tell him you'd like to sit down and speak about his problems and how you can work through them together but if he cannot do that then you will be distancing yourself and giving him the space he's requested.

If he chooses not to speak then go with it. I know its hard but if you push back it will push him further away until he fully shuts down. If that's what he decides then just tell him OK and make arrangements for contact with your child and stop contact with him. If he carries on messaging you like normal then be straight with him and tell him he asked for space so you wont be responding. He cant have his cake and eat it....Whatever he decides id be telling him there's no going back from this unless he seeks help for his MH. If he doesn't seek help this could become a reoccurring problem in your relationship and that isn't healthy for any of you.

You need to do what you can to help him by giving him the space he's asked for but this isn't all On you. He also needs to do something to help himself and prevent this becoming a long term problem. A trip to the doctors or a call to IAPT would be none negotiable for me. If he isn't willing to do that then he isn't willing to help himself so you then need to ask yourself why you and your child should be suffering for someone else who isn't helping their own problem.

Loads. I've seen some right barmy shit on here.

Talk about misery lives company.... 🙄

Sorry, my reply is in response to this ridiculousness...

No one on here can tell you how your partner feels, but personally, I would give him a couple more days and then say you and dad are moving back home and he can go to his mums if he needs space. Why should your dd miss out on being at home?

Whether the PhD is a good idea or not depends on a few things imo. Is it fully funded and is your stipend enough to bring in a decent wage? Is it going to lead directly to a well paid secure job (academia is neither of these!)? With a young child, I'd be keen to get a job with your MA tbh