Financial Set Ups

[idratherberiding1]

Bit of a different one but please bear with me!

I was wondering what other married couples set ups are in terms of joint accounts please? DH always set himself up as the strong ‘in the know’ one about the bills etc so took over that responsibility and was adamant we have things set up this way; recently I’ve started to feel that perhaps it’s not the best way. I know I should’ve thought about this earlier, but he’s always been so convincing that he’s handling it and knows best and I’ve never known what other people do to compare.
I’ve also recently tried to discuss a change with DH and he started talking about keeping financial independence still and developed an arsey tone of voice.

DH and I have our own separate accounts where our pay goes into and our own direct debits come out of for things like our own mobiles, car tax, life insurance etc.

Usually (when I’m not on SMP), we transfer half the cost of the household bills into a joint account, where bills for the house come out of (despite us not earning the exact same). At the moment, I’m transferring a small amount into this account whilst he pays the most due to SMP and paying my own direct debits still.
Anything left in our own accounts will be for anything we want to buy, household grocery shopping or one of us would pay for a rare evening out (or we’d chop and change so one person might pay for one part, the other another).

The child benefit goes into my own bank account. Anything child related like clothes etc for the most part has always been bought by me out of my own money (and that’s a lot as we have a 3 year old). He’s very rarely ever bought clothes/toys etc for the children. Christmas is usually us just going halves on the total spend.

We don’t have savings yet as we’ve only recently used them all for buying our marital home so need to start them back again once I’m back at work.

So, the joint account literally serves as a vessel to receive our standing orders to pay the mortgage etc out of.
Surely there’s a better way than this that is more ‘joint’ and represents a marriage better?

Both me and my husband get paid into the same bank account. All bills, expenses and anything child related gets paid out of this account.

We both have an equal amount of “fun spends” sent to our individual accounts each month.

Similar. Money into one account, some goes into a bills payment account (where all the DDs come out of), some into household spend (where food, DC clothes etc come out of), some into savings for holidays etc, then same amount each into personal account for own spends.

You could try something like YNAB. Found it really helpful to show exactly where money was going and helped us set realistic budgets - if you do all the DC shopping, I bet your DH doesn't realise how much they cost.

This sentence re him concerned me
”I’ve also recently tried to discuss a change with DH and he started talking about keeping financial independence still and developed an arsey tone of voice”

I do not like the sound of this or him at all. He does not want to share “his” money does he?. And how did it come to pass to that you are putting in similar amounts into a joint account given that he earns a lot more than you?. This financial disparity is also based on power and control and he holds the vast amount of this in this relationship. I note also without much surprise that the children’s things come out of your own account, not his. I would also state that you are being both financially and economically disadvantaged by his actions here. Such men do not change.

On a wider level I would seriously consider whether this is a marriage you actually want to remain in. Men who behave like this do not make for being good husbands or fathers.

Thank you for some suggestions, helpful to hear how other people do it.

@AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you. So before I was on SMP/mat leave, he added up all the ‘household’ DD’s like mortgage, council tax, utilities, dog insurance etc, halved it and told me that was the figure to contribute by standing order. Bills like my car (which he is also on the insurance for and regularly drives alongside his own) are kept separate and for me to pay myself.
He tries to get around buying children’s clothes by saying he would, but I wouldn’t like anything he’d buy for them.
I’ve naively been a bit passive I would say where it’s concerned but definitely don’t want to carry on in this vein and it does stick in the back of my mind as to why it still feels really separate.

Well my husband was financially irresponsible once to the tune of £35k

First and last time

Since then, I am in full control of the finances and spreadsheets

He is given an allowance of "fun money" and for hair cuts/diesel and that's it

It breaks my heart but it's the only way

Well it doesn't sound "fair" to me. My favourite arrangement was where we agreed an amount to keep each every month rather than an amount to transfer. So we would put all our income into the joint account except for, say, £300 a month, which was ours to spend as we wished.

His comments are quite concerning.

Snowballs - I’m sorry you have to do that, it must be really difficult to have all of that on you.

Thank you - so do people have things like their own phones etc coming out of the joint account too?

We've just got 1 joint account where both salaries are paid into and all bills, expenses etc come out of there. We also have a joint savings account but not a huge amount goes into there at the moment due to childcare costs So much easier this way. We're a family with kids so it would just seem strange for either of us to squirrel away our money and not share it. We did think about moving a set amount of money each month to personal accounts to make sure we have the same amount of fun money but we've never got round to that and I think it broadly balances out - eg he's got a lovely car with expensive monthly payments, I've got an old banger but spend more on clothes etc.

I do know some friends who have a similar set up to you where they keep their accounts separate and pay into a bills/household account, but I would say if you're doing that you need to make sure you both transfer enough to cover all household expenses including groceries and child related expenses such as clothes, childcare etc.

DH and me both have our salaries paid into our own bank accounts. Then we both pay across money for all bills including children's clothes/toys and family car tax/insurance and enough to cover new tyres/petrol etc and joint gifts/cards to family. Then from our personal bank accounts we both pay our mobil contract, haircuts, dentist, clothes for our self, and anything we wish to spend like coffee out, lunch out with friends or if I want to treat my sister for lunch. We earn similar but not the same amount. When we go on holiday we pay half each. We also but each other gifts from personal accounts. I don't understand why your DH doesn't pay money for DC clothing into your joint account and you choose the child's clothes and pay for it from there including school uniforms. Your DH sounds mean.

We have one bank account which has both our salaries paid into it and everything comes out if it-and have done this since we left university. We’ve had periods of time where we earned the same, some where I was in maternity, some where he’d been made redundant but mostly he’s earned more than me as I’ve been part time because of the kids.

We have separate accounts and a joint account. All wages etc go into the joint account and everything that's joint ( including child related stuff, petrol and food!) Comes out of there, once all that's done we split the remains to do with what we wish.
I would not be happy just been handed a half bill every month and being solely in charge of buying everything for a joint child!

We have both salaries paid into our individual accounts and then it transfers into the joint account but we hold back £150 each. This ‘personal money’ is generally for buying each other gifts and one or two weekend trips with our individual friend groups. Every other expense comes from the joint account.

We have decent incomes so everybody gets what they want/need (including 2DC and one dog) - there’s no need to check with each other. I oversee the accounts and as well as a routine saving amount I also scoop up any excess into the savings too.

It’s all joint money. We’ve done it like this since we bought our first house 16 years ago. There have been times when I’ve earned significantly more (and DH worked PT and did some childcare), I’ve had 2 x 12 month Mat leaves , and I’ve had 4 years as SAHP and the last year working PT and soon I am moving back into well-paid FT work. We’ll be using that income to save for kids Uni, additional contributions to my pension and some home improvements.

DH and I have a joint account and he pays for absolutely everything whether I'm working or not. He is totally transparent about his finances with me. When I worked he was on board with me saving up all my wages or spending them however I liked, he never expected me to go halves or contribute which I hear is rare with English men as the culture here is more 50-50.
He is very generous with me but surprisingly not so with others.

With bills, everything is online and direct debit so there isn't much to manage it's all automatic pretty much. When it's time to shop around and switch contracts I tend to do this because I have more time as a SAHM to older DC however he has and would handle the bills if I ask him to.

I think it's fine to separate finances if one of you has history of running into debts or has a gambling or shopping problem but is otherwise a nice partner to have.. but if you are both sensible with money I think it's strange to have separate finances when you are a long term couple with joint children.

Yes, there is a better way.

For background, both DH and I have been the major breadwinner but, even before kids, it was clear he would significantly out earn me for a number of years. He is older than me and will therefore retire before so I will become the major breadwinner again for a while if we don’t have enough savings to both retire at the same time.

All income goes into our joint account. We have equal spending money paid into our personal accounts which we call our ‘pocket money’. This means he will never know how much I spend on my hair and I will never know how much he spends on coffees and lottery tickets. Also, we never know how much is spent on presents for each other etc.

I forgot to mention - DH also makes contributions to my pension to maximise allowances etc. We are definitely a team and our finances reflect the team effort.

Why wouldn't all of the expenses for your joint children come out of the joint account?

It sounds like he's working his finances like a single man with a flatmate that he shares rent and bills with. You were surviving on SMP and child benefit?

So he halves the bills that benefit him, keeps everything else separate and won’t pay for your child

yep that sounds awful. You are married - we share everything because we are a partnership, at different times the amounts and who puts in more varies

Its a fairly complicated set up with different bank accounts and credit cards but it boils down to: all income in to one pot, all DDs and payments go out. We have recently implemented personal spends where we get £200pm each into our own accounts to spends as we wish, no questions asked.

The above set up has work for us where he's been the breadwinner or I have. Currently we earn the same. IMO phone bills or car payments/ insurance become joint spends as they are unavoidable.

When we got married all money became joint money. there was no his and hers, no arguments over what was paid in or out nothing. we had one big joint account where all salaries went in and all expenses went out. because for me that is what marriage is - a financial partnership built on trust and respect. I trust that my husband wouldnt make a major purchase without discussing it with me first and vice versa. I just do not understand these, particularly high earning men who think everything related to children is "womens spend" and that then leaves them so much more to have fun with. I get not everyone would be comfortable with our approach. but if you must have a joint account then the amount paid in should be proportionate to the amount earned - so if it could be 60/40 or 75/25 or whatever. if you earn more you pay in more. OP you dont mention how much of the household work he contributes to but again I think we can all already guess?

Pretty much all money is our money to an extent. We have a joint account and I have my own. I sort all money related things like bills, rent etc. We have a few savings pots in our own names but again consider it shared money. My children get DLA which I.consider their money but also use it for things that enrich their lives that we do as a family. My husband makes x3 my wage but also gets an annual bonus which is just his money. Although he is very generous and likes to use it to treat people, this year he brought a car with it but next year he's talking about taking us to Disney. But ultimately we're an all income in one pot family but have a conversation before any big purchase.

We are on similarish salaries but dh works FT and I work PT for childcare reasons. We put everything into one joint account and transfer "pocket money" into our individual accounts. Pocket money is for our own clothes, trips with friends, going out, food at work (rarely necessary both wfh 90% of the time). I transfer food shopping, petrol and dc expenses into another personal account in my name and then pay all these expenses throughout the month. Joint account covers all bills, haircuts, medication, savings for holidays and presents. After everything is covered (including extra pension for me so I don't miss out because of PT), any money left over goes to holiday savings. Savings are in my name in a different bank and while dh has access I don't think he's ever looked.

I earn all the money and it goes into our joint account. We both then buy whatever we need according to our understanding of what our shared budget is so any bigger items would be flagged up.

It is our family money and it is for all of us. It facilitates our life and only has value in that. Dh has been the main earner and we both have been equal at other times - it has never made a difference to our rights to spend our family money. We would both be happy to see the other person able to have things they want and here is your issue. Why is your partner happy for you to have less. Shouldn’t a partner be the type of support who wants the best for you? Add in his rude tone and controlling approach and you have a financially abusive partner.

Life is long and either of you could lose jobs, become unwell, redundant or have other challenges. I would only stay in a marriage where my worth wasn’t a reflection of my earnings. I would want our set up to reflect that philosophy.

We have 2 joint account . His wages go into one and pay the bills.

my wages go into the other which is used for spending, holidays, and whatever’s left over goes into savings.

we also have savings accounts in our own names but they have roughly the same amount in them.

I think what stands out is lack of discussion/agreement in advance about how you'd organise your finances. It sounds like your OH is controlling and arrogant about money. That needs to change and you need full transparency of your family finances, including "his" income/expenses/savings/debts. Sadly, it's often too late after the event, but you can at least try!

Sorry, but I'd not have put up with anything like that in the first place. Right from our earliest of "dates", I made it clear with OH that complete honesty and joint decision making was a deal breaker for me, financially and in all other ways. I've always thought being upfront was the way to do things - my Yorkshire upbringing! If he'd shown any signs of not being honest and open about money, he'd have found himself dumped!

It's exactly what I did with my previous boyfriend who'd get upset/annoyed if I asked him about his earnings/spending, etc - if they're like that when you're in your early dating days, they're not going to change, so he got dumped after a couple of months as he clearly wanted to be "macho man" in charge of the money etc! No thanks! "Little woman" is more than capable of understanding and dealing with things like money - it's hardly rocket science!!

With my now OH, whenever we did anything or went anywhere, I'd have "the conversation" about money long beforehand, so that we both knew where we stood! In pubs etc., we'd take turns paying for each round of drinks. In restaurants, we'd go halves. I was having none of the "little woman" approach to letting the man pay and I wanted to know how much things we costing (again the Yorkshire upbringing!).

For our first holiday abroad, we planned it all beforehand, all the costs broken down, "budgeting" for excursions, attractions, meals, souvenirs, etc. We even had a "joint" purse (back in the 80s when you took foreign cash rather than cards!). We put equal amounts of cash in the joint purse, and used it to pay for things we did together (meals, attractions etc), but used our own purses/wallets for things we bought separately, such as souvenirs etc. It sounds like a faff, but it kept us straight and was a brilliant "line in the sand" for later life, joint finances, etc. as it established a precedent! We did the same for all subsequent holidays until we married!

When we started planning marriage and buying a house, same "rules" - everything discussed up front, budgeting for costs etc., agreeing how to split and apportion income and costs, again, full 100% honesty and transparency, so no surprises. OH earned a lot more than me at that point, so we discussed a "fair" split of costs and savings, putting money into pensions, etc., with him inevitably putting more into the joint "pot" but us ending up with similar amounts of savings and pension pots for the future! Same discussions before we started planning to have a child, we talked over the costs, loss of my earnings, etc. Then tables turned and OH wanted to start self employment which meant we'd be living on my income for a while whilst he got it established, so similar discussions, we discussed how much of our savings we'd withdraw to live on for those non-earning months, how we could cut back and control costs, etc. As it happened, our forecasts were spot on and just as we came to the end of the savings we'd agreed to use, he started income generating himself, and we were back on track.

You really, really, need to get a grip on finances JOINTLY and never let yourself get into the position where one of you deals with the finances leaving the other in the dark. It's not a healthy position to be in. The OP needs to get a grip on their joint/marital finances and if her OH doesn't like it, then perhaps it's time for some ultimatums and ultimately separation!

Thank you all for sharing how you work things, it’s refreshing to read that I’m not wrong in that there are other ways!

I did try and discuss it this morning but was brushed off with, well we don’t need to sort that until October (when my SMP finishes and I go back to work, albeit with accrued holiday initially), so there’s no point talking about it. His tone definitely changed.

At the moment DH pays the majority of the bills and I transfer a small amount into the joint account as some contribution. I have the small amount of SMP with the child benefit into my own account. Out of that I pay my own car, all expenses for the car, my phone, life insurance and anything else I might need which is pretty impossible so a small bit ends up on the credit card to then pay off the next month.

I’m using things like Vinted to find good condition clothes whilst our baby is going through them quickly and starting to stockpile the next size up, over the few months grace in between sizes, to make sure it’s ready for when we move up. Thankfully I always buy DS’s at the end of the year in one bulk buy but it’s a significant expense every year and I could count on one hand the things he’s bought for them.

Household tasks for the poster that mentioned (sorry, just reading whilst baby is settled) are few and far between. I struggle to get anything done as our baby is high needs and won’t sleep in the day.
He will hoover or prep DS a meal before he leaves for work (some shifts are 12-10pm), then complains he’s been running round like a blue arsed fly before work. He won’t do anything without really being pushed to and needs a list or being told what rooms need doing. He flat out refuses to iron so you can imagine what type of ironing piles I’m left with for the whole house! I meal plan and write shopping lists and he will cook but that’s about all.

I got a new car a while back as it was a financially better decision to do so based on things my old car would need. I dealt with it all myself and negotiated down a lot so it would only be £4 more expensive a month but DH was really angry about it and gave me the silent treatment for a while as I should’ve waited for him before making a financial decision that would impact him (he doesn’t and never has paid for my car).

He’s happy to put groceries on my CC at this time (which I pay) but says once things are more settled and I’m back at work, he will help pay some off. He pits himself as the one who will sort out any new deals etc but this is the man who a few years back thought he’d found a great deal on ‘cheap’ dog insurance, only to find out when she had an intestinal blockage and emergency surgery, cheap means no cover.