Financial Set Ups

[idratherberiding1]

Bit of a different one but please bear with me!

I was wondering what other married couples set ups are in terms of joint accounts please? DH always set himself up as the strong ‘in the know’ one about the bills etc so took over that responsibility and was adamant we have things set up this way; recently I’ve started to feel that perhaps it’s not the best way. I know I should’ve thought about this earlier, but he’s always been so convincing that he’s handling it and knows best and I’ve never known what other people do to compare.
I’ve also recently tried to discuss a change with DH and he started talking about keeping financial independence still and developed an arsey tone of voice.

DH and I have our own separate accounts where our pay goes into and our own direct debits come out of for things like our own mobiles, car tax, life insurance etc.

Usually (when I’m not on SMP), we transfer half the cost of the household bills into a joint account, where bills for the house come out of (despite us not earning the exact same). At the moment, I’m transferring a small amount into this account whilst he pays the most due to SMP and paying my own direct debits still.
Anything left in our own accounts will be for anything we want to buy, household grocery shopping or one of us would pay for a rare evening out (or we’d chop and change so one person might pay for one part, the other another).

The child benefit goes into my own bank account. Anything child related like clothes etc for the most part has always been bought by me out of my own money (and that’s a lot as we have a 3 year old). He’s very rarely ever bought clothes/toys etc for the children. Christmas is usually us just going halves on the total spend.

We don’t have savings yet as we’ve only recently used them all for buying our marital home so need to start them back again once I’m back at work.

So, the joint account literally serves as a vessel to receive our standing orders to pay the mortgage etc out of.
Surely there’s a better way than this that is more ‘joint’ and represents a marriage better?

I think your husband is very tight. I'm sorry.
In my book a man who loves his woman would never have her struggle financially if he can help her more he would, why wouldn't you want the mother of your children to be comfortable? I don't get men like this.

I don't think it's "tight" as such, more like controlling/abusive behaviour.

In a marriage, finances need to be joint and open for discussion.

OP in the nicest way. Have you got a good buddy who lives in a way you think looks good. Could you share how it’s working in your house, have a think about why you can’t talk about family finances or why you would be doing huge household ironing piles (especially your partner’s - some of us have never ironed the kids’ clothes which might not work for you but I don’t know why you would want to iron the clothes of a man who is so rude and controlling). This doesn’t sound like a supportive and happy relationship.

You definitely shouldn't be paying half of he earns more than you.

Thank you all again.

Have tried again to discuss and he’s been very dismissive and standoffish.
He thinks it’s very old fashioned and outdated to pool money together, we need to retain financial independence and doing it the separate wages etc way is how he’s most comfortable and I’d need to convince him otherwise.
He told me I get the child benefit which is for buying clothes and turned it around by saying I was basically saying I begrudge buying their clothes for them then and when I said I wasn’t prepared to do it by myself anymore, said well they just won’t have them then.
He’s now alluding that everything has been fine until I’ve had my own credit card to pay off and that’s why I’ve started asking for a change and I shouldn’t be acting like I get a rough deal. Hmm.

Tell him that the divorce courts don’t view it as separate money. They view it as financial abuse.

Sorry you are dealing with this, OP.

I think this highlights the need for couples to have serious conversations (pre-marital counselling?) to ensure they are in the same page about these things prior to committing. But then again, we tend to drift towards and into commitment nowadays rather than actively pursuing it.

In the ‘olden days’, a man would ask for permission to propose and then be questioned on his ‘expectations’. There were definitely benefits to that (for women, at least) as the couple would be on the same page about finances, children, and work without having to endure a direct and awkward conversation about (shhh - whisper it) money.

But then again, I would have murdered my ex if he asked my father’s permission first. Although, if he had, we wouldn’t have got engaged in the first place and that really would have been the best option. Hmmm…

I don't think you should be paying half the bills when you're on SMP.
You've just had a baby!
Let him do his role as a man and contribute a small amount and let him take care of you all until you're able to go back to work. There is no shame in just being a mum and relying on your husband. This is what marriage is about!!.

My husband took care of us financially until ours started school. I took a small amount from our joint account each month to put into my
Private pension and personal savings account.
This was our agreement when we started a family. In return he didn't have the responsibility of looking after the little ones on a daily basis and could focus on his work.
I think women these days make their lives harder if you ask me!

Bills including children care, mortgages and domestics should come have a joint account. Keep your own personal accounts and transfer monthly costs equally into that.
Check out interest rates on mortgage and tariffs on everything like phones and internet and above all normal utility bills.
You'll both be paying half. Take control OP.

So he is stacking money while you are in debt.

So he expects that the government in providing child benefit will provide for his child’s clothes even though he earns money and then if that doesn’t cover it his child can go without or his wife can cover it using her minimum SMP again from the state

sorry OP but that this just horrific.

i would frankly tell him that your child is a joint responsibility and not that of the state and joint costs include food, clothing etc. That you accept that a certain amount of independence when it comes to personal spending (when you are earning and not taking a hit) but that childcare, groceries etc are joint.

you are married so unless he expects to buy his own food and do his own cooking and cleaning that is joint

but I would get legal advice any man who has that view about spending on his child is just awful

Child Benefit is barely anything, how can you fully clothe children on that?
Does he genuinely think you can?

We have a joint account and separate accounts which we both use differently.

He has his wages paid into the joint and spends from that also. He sometimes transfers some into his own account so he isn't always carrying his card for the joint account.

I have my ages paid into my account and I transfer my contribution to the household into the joint account.

All direct debits come out of the joint account other than our own phone contracts which come out of our separate accounts.

We save how we wish to save, majority is in the joint account but I've also got my own savings.

Money in and money out is fully transparent.

We do have separate accounts and transfer equal amounts to the joint account each month BUT we both earn a similar amount (DP only slightly more but not enough to matter), and we pay for all child-related expenses and household groceries from the joint account. The 'you wouldn't like anything I'd buy' argument is stupid - you can still do all the work of sourcing and buying clothes and toys, just pay for them with the joint card instead of your own. The child benefit goes in the joint account too. The only things we pay for from our own money is our own separate phones, random snacks/coffees when out separately, etc.

He does not want to share what he regards as his money. You are being both financially and economically disadvantaged by him. Such men do not change and I would ask yourself whether you want to stay with someone like this.

He told me I get the child benefit which is for buying clothes and turned it around by saying I was basically saying I begrudge buying their clothes for them then and when I said I wasn’t prepared to do it by myself anymore, said well they just won’t have them then.

Wow. Well, now you know. The children are your ‘luxury item’ apparently.

Stop buying groceries on your credit card.

Does he have a car or is your car the family car?

We both have cars and that’s always been kept separate as in - pay own fuel, pay own MOT’s / repairs / own tax etc.

I was quite taken aback by the child benefit comment. Not that I expect anyone to pay anything state wise as I work FT when I’m not on maternity, it’s just a handy bonus to have at times but also, anyone who gets it will attest it really doesn’t go far at all when you have a few purchases to make!

The comment about the credit card really hurt me last night. As in, I only want to make financial changes now so I can use him to pay towards my credit card. It just really makes you see someone differently and I’m getting a bit fed up of my life in general, what with this and the lack of any organisation in my household.
Think no cleaning unless I push for it, complete disorganisation around meals unless I’ve sorted it out, would rather just sit on the sofa and eat snacks than get things sorted, will say x needs doing, it doesn’t get done so it’ll get pushed to the next evening, repeat for many days etc.

He said the only way he would do it would be to keep everything as is but just transfer a little bit more across to the joint account which seems a bit of a headache to me - what if you needed more in there and had to keep transferring rather than just having the majority of things in one place?

I saw it mentioned by someone but I don’t pay half of the bills at the moment, that’s when I’m working. At the minute I’m just transferring a small amount over and then doing everything else with my very small amount.

@idratherberiding1 not once have you said you love him. thats because you dont. how can anyone love a man who is so stupid that he thinks that the pittance that is child benefit could pay for a childs clothes. it cant and it doesnt. Please stop allowing him to be such a dick. tell him that this is critical point in your relationship and if he doesnt start listening to and acting on your views and your wishes instead of everything being 100% him then this is over. if you split up he would be paying in far far more. I really dont think he can change if I am honest because he really doesnt get the whole equal share thing. Can you tolerate another 30,40 or 50 years of this shit???