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Original poster

Was I wrong?

59 replies

GEK1983 · 20/08/2023 19:13

Driving home today (DH is driver), my son says at the back of the car that my youngest (toddler) car seat is moving. Luckily we were nearly home and when we got out it was tilted and had moved. Clearly the seat hadn't been put back in properly. My husband had put it in. I am annoyed and upset about the fact he could have been driving like this for a few weeks with her in that seat and what could have happened. He refused to take responsibility and kept saying it was tight when he put it in and that my sibling is at fault as my sibling taught him how to do it. I explain its not her responsibility it's ours. He still doesn't agree and I say I don't feel comfortable him driving us to our holiday destination tomorrow as he clearly doesn't know how to put it in properly and we've lost the instructions so neither do I!I go upstairs and he comes up and asks to talk. I agree and say that it's annoyed me he's blamed my sibling for his mistake and I then say 'I'm also concerned', he heard that said he didn't want to talk to me and stormed out. I told him if we couldn't resolve it then he can tell the kids we aren't going because I'm not. At the dinner table, one child mentions being excited about the holiday. I say well I'm not sure if we are going yet as we haven't sorted the car seat situation out and that I'd have liked to discussed it but haven't been able to. Probably shouldn't have said that part but did and then DH proceeds to say we can now talk. I said no because we were with the kids and it's not appropriate and it always goes this way, he shuts me down then when he's ready suddenly we can talk and I have to listen. He then does this thing where he's now the calm one and I'm wrong and when I get irritated and raise my voice because I know and he knows what he's doing, he remains calm and I look like the idiot. I walked out the room as it was winding me up and then my eldest comes upstairs and tells me it's not his dads fault and blames my sibling too! My middle child is now crying because he thinks it's his fault and because we probably won't be going on holiday, I'm upset and meanwhile DH is downstairs calm as anything, not taking any blame and letting this all go on. After over an hour he finally takes responsibility, says he didn't want eldest to defend him and that he apologises but this is a every week thing that he does this and his sorry has lost all meaning as he never changes. I said to him he knows what game he's playing trying to make me look like the bad one despite knowing he was doing things to rile me and he just says he hasn't got time to play games and I'm wrong. I don't feel like going away now but feel obliged to because of the kids and we still haven't sorted the car seat. Is this all my fault or is he?

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 20/08/2023 19:17

I only got about a third of the way through.
You are both going to make many mistakes in parenting. Perhaps it’s better to be kind to each other and work on these things together rather than blaming each other.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/08/2023 19:21

Dear lord what a load of drama. We are all human and make mistakes. Just Google the instructions for the car seat, get it in correctly and go enjoy your holiday.

ChrisPPancake · 20/08/2023 19:26

You've massively overreacted.

Google the car seat instructions. Check it yourself before you set off. Every time (this should be the norm anyway).

And don't bring your dc into an argument with your spouse.

Janieforever · 20/08/2023 19:28

goodness op, why have you treated him like this and made such a drama. You don’t even know how to put it in. It was a mistake. Not something done on purpose. And Google the instructions

go apologise to your family and reassure your kids you’re going on holiday,what a horrible thing to do, upset them like this.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 20/08/2023 19:29

You've acted out of all proportion and made yourself look like a bit of a tit, in my opinion.

Threatening your children to cancel a holiday because your DH didn't back down and accept responsibility for something that may not have been his fault? Yay, great parenting 🙄

JibbaJab · 20/08/2023 19:29

Some car seats can become loose, just go out there and tighten them. Judging by the fact neither of you know how, kinda learns towards ain't be checking anyway.

I'm a father and I knew how ours worked, wasn't rocket science and I made sure they were secure before we left.

Don't get kids involved in your arguments, it doesn't end well. This shouldn't even be an argument.

Pumpkindoodles · 20/08/2023 19:29

I didn’t get all the way through either. I think you both sound really childish.
I’d have googled the car seat before I told my child I may be cancelling their holiday.
it all just seems a bit dramatic from you and overly defensive from him.
I don’t understand why he can’t admit it was an issue and you can’t work with him to fix it. Why are you both just fighting to be right.

Greensleeves · 20/08/2023 19:30

The most important thing here is that you understand how utterly shit this is for your kids. They had to sit through a horrible tense meal with the two of you pecking at each other passive-aggressively, one of them is crying because he feels responsible and the other has felt the need to insert himself into your argument and try to broker peace. They don't know whether or not they are going on holiday.

This stuff is corrosive for kids. It will make them insecure, angry and miserable. It will affect their ability to make healthy relationships. I suggest you and your DH go somewhere private, away from the kids, and sort your shit out once and for all. He needs to accept that he made a potentially fatal mistake and commit to being more careful in future, and you need to accept that everyone, even Mary Poppins, makes mistakes and it's completely out of order to blow it out of all proportion and use it as a weapon in a destructive power struggle. You both need to come up with a plan for dealing with future petty disputes that doesn't involve traumatising your children. And then draw a line under it and go on holiday.

Beersinshropshire · 20/08/2023 19:30

Jesus, threatening your kids with no holiday to ‘punish’ your DH is utterly disgusting. Making your child think this is his fault?!!

Your behaviour is shameful.

You need to check that right now before you use your children as weapons against your husband in the divorce.

MrTiddlesTheCat · 20/08/2023 19:33

Massive drama reaction from you. Why does blame need to be put on anyone. Mistakes happen. That's life. One time I put DS in his carseat, drove to our destination, and only when I took him out did I realise I hadn't strapped him in at all.

LightDrizzle · 20/08/2023 19:37

Yes. You were very wrong. Awful behaviour.

lincolngirl1097 · 20/08/2023 19:38

Sounds horrendous arguing like that over a car seat. It's a genuine mistake. I really couldn't be bothered

always2323 · 20/08/2023 19:46

You're wrong OP. Just put the car seat in properly. Job done! Not threaten to not go on holiday and tell your poor hubby that you don't have rust him to drive and then tell you kids you're not going on holiday.

Go and apologise

SophieHope7 · 20/08/2023 19:53

Get Halfords to check the seats are in properly.

discomoves · 20/08/2023 20:17

Why didn't use learn how to use the car seat as well? Mistakes happen. Watch a utube video and put it in yourself. This is all so dramatic and you've dragged your kids in to your argument. I feel so so sorry for them, threatening that they might not get to go on holiday.

MamFran · 20/08/2023 20:33

I think you’ve massively overreacted and are in the wrong. To threaten no holiday to your kids is very out of order and cruel in my opinion.
I hope you sort it out and your kids get their holiday

TheGirlFromTomorrow · 20/08/2023 20:39

He probably doesn't know whether he's coming or going with what you want him to apologise for.

Nothing happened. You can't cancel the holiday. Just YouTube it or make it work. There's only so many ways it can go in.

Really don't involve children in your arguments or emotional dramas. It's not fair.

Radiohat · 20/08/2023 20:46

This seems like a masive overreaction considering you don't even know how to put car seat in securely.

I feel sorry for the kids excited about a holiday & parents arguing. It is good that your husband was calm - would you prefer that he was angry? Or is it something else that is bothering you ? 🤔

DeadbeatYoda · 20/08/2023 20:50

Oh the drama! Fgs, just look up the instructions. So it came loose. Fix it, move on. Claiming you don't feel safe going on holiday tomorrow is utterly ridiculous.

Cinai · 20/08/2023 20:54

Sorry but I think you’re in the wrong. We all make mistakes, it happens. No point in making your DH feel bad for putting in the car seat incorrectly and everything that followed is a massive overreaction.

beastlyslumber · 20/08/2023 20:56

Greensleeves · 20/08/2023 19:30

The most important thing here is that you understand how utterly shit this is for your kids. They had to sit through a horrible tense meal with the two of you pecking at each other passive-aggressively, one of them is crying because he feels responsible and the other has felt the need to insert himself into your argument and try to broker peace. They don't know whether or not they are going on holiday.

This stuff is corrosive for kids. It will make them insecure, angry and miserable. It will affect their ability to make healthy relationships. I suggest you and your DH go somewhere private, away from the kids, and sort your shit out once and for all. He needs to accept that he made a potentially fatal mistake and commit to being more careful in future, and you need to accept that everyone, even Mary Poppins, makes mistakes and it's completely out of order to blow it out of all proportion and use it as a weapon in a destructive power struggle. You both need to come up with a plan for dealing with future petty disputes that doesn't involve traumatising your children. And then draw a line under it and go on holiday.

This. You both need to grow up.

Cloudsandrainnotsunandsand · 20/08/2023 20:59

Surely both of you should be able to fit a car seat? Not sure a holiday is the best use of money that could go to a divorce lawyer...

K8ate · 20/08/2023 21:00

I confess that i only read half of it - I’d had enough when i read the part about you upsetting your children.
You are being extremely picky and controlling -(“I’m unilaterally taking the decision that nobody is going on holiday”)
Telling your excited children they won’t now be going is a massive overreaction and cruel. What’s wrong with you???
At the end of the day, just message or phone your ‘sibbling’ or just go and purchase another car seat tomorrow.

backtogrey · 20/08/2023 21:01

You both sound like adolescents.

Ilovelurchers · 20/08/2023 21:11

You shouldn't threaten to cancel the holiday over this sort of stuff - please imagine how horribly upsetting that must be for your kids.

I understand your partner annoyed you. This happens. It's not worth all this drama.