Husband never wants to have sex anymore

[bugboard]

Husband and I together for 25 years, now both mid 40's with no kids. Hardly any sex in the past year. He just doesn't want it he says he has a sore back or neck, the he is tired, that he's under too much pressure, stress at work, high BP now medicated. Obviously we are both older now, I'm not a slim woman but I never have been I was bigger when he met me and it never stopped him enjoying sex with me.

Mostly I have stopped trying for sex but I really struggle with no sex at all, ideally I'd like to be with him at least once a week.

I think it was triggered by an episode of ED which I don't think he really has but he was just unable to one time and now I think he has performance anxiety, we don't have sex often at all now so when we do he finishes almost immediately and I don't get satisfied as I usually do orgasm from piv and that is what I want. So I think he perhaps feels he will finish too soon and I still won't be happy which is true, I wouldn't mind if it meant we were working towards fixing things but it just seems to make him feel bad and not want to try again for ages.

Prior to all this we didn't have any sexual issues at all. We both work from home mostly now and it is fine our relationship is good. I know people will suggest he's getting it elsewhere or using porn but that isn't the case. I know he occasionally relives himself in the shower and we are open about that sort of stuff. I think its just that for him mentally sex has become another chore and source of pressure and expectation. I think the cause is largely his job being a nightmare and I've told him to leave and look for something else but he keeps saying it would be the same anywhere.

I don't want to leave him and I don't want anybody else. I just want to be able to enjoy making love to my husband again and it makes me so sad to think that that part of our lives is over with in our mid 40s!

Does any of the medication he's on have a side-effect relating to libido? Would viagra be something he could try or do his health issues preclude it? Just so he could feel confident in the mechanics of it.

Is there anything he could do lifestyle wise, such as reduce hours or look for something less stressful?

Is he interested in changing things and rebuilding a sexlife, or is he completely shut down about it?

@category12 Its difficult to talk about as I think it makes him feel like crap. It is possible that the blood pressure medication he is on is having a negative effect on his libido or ability to maintain an erection. Looking online I do see other men saying they think it has affect their sex life so perhaps that is it. Obviously him getting proper treatment for his high blood pressure is more important than us having sex. He also has some degree of sleep apena so always feels very tired but the GP says as long as he isn't suffering from excessing daytime sleepiness then there is nothing they can do, we pay privately for a mouthguard which does help.

I don't know if he would use Viagra, I think he would probably need to speak to his GP about it first and I know he would find that very difficult. I know you can buy it online but again I don't know how it would go is he has high blood pressure.

I really want him to find a less stressful job, our mortgage is paid off and we could stand to take a cut in income but although he hates his job he doesn't look elsewhere. He has been on a particularly terrible job for the past year which has had so many issues, he was due to be off it in June but they keep extending it and now he has been told he is on it till the end of the year. There have also been more demands from family in the past couple of years his parents are getting to the age where more support is needed which is fine but also other family losses and emergencies in the past year especially. It is possible that once this period passes that he will start to feel better, personally I think he should find a new job with less stress.

I also wonder if him working at home all the time is part of the issue? He used to work in an office prior to covid and although travelling in was a hassle it drew a line between his home life and work stress but he hates going into the office now and only goes in when he absolutely has to and sometimes it does mean the stress from his work affects the atmosphere in our home so that I feel like it is quite oppressive at times.

I think he does want to go back to how we were but I think he is still at the burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away phase.

He might feel more comfortable talking about it if you go with the medical angle, maybe?

Could you suggest taking PIV off the table for a while (but trying other variations of sex if the mood takes you both) and lots of cuddling/skin to skin without the pressure for it to go anywhere? Just so you don't lose intimacy and physicality with each other.

@category12 Ok those are all good suggestions, thank you. I will suggest taking piv off the table for now if it feels like too much pressure for him. I did try to do that before but I perhaps forced it to escalate to other forms of sexual contact too quickly so perhaps just as you say cuddling and skin to skin with no pressure for anything else and see what happens.

I think the medical aspect might be easier for him to cope with, it just feels like a mine field where I could inadvertently make things worse.

Anyway I really appreciate you posting it has been really helpful.

@bugboard
If he is stressed about going into the office more, is it possible that you might consider going into your office more. It seems as though you're both spending so much time together that there is no separation of work personal , and individual aspects of your respective lives. When things are bad or stressful in one arena, it necessarily seeps into every other area. You no longer have the daily time away from each other to think through issues alone in private.

Give yourselves some daily space away from each other. and It might become easier to find your way back to better times. A part of the pleasure of intimacy comes from anticipation. At this point there is little physical separation in your days and far too much overlap of the negative aspects of work into your daily life Your life is so conjoined that there is no anticipation and no looking forward to time together. Look l

I think both working from home all day together can kill the novelty value.

Have you tried saucy lingerie? Worked wonders for us in a similar situation!

I doubt it has anything to do with your weight, so try to put that out of your head if you can.x

@Mari9999 Unlike my husband I don't have an office space (nor can I afford one) I am self employed and have always worked from home for the past 15 years. Before lockdowns it out worked really well, idyllic really. I could work from home and get pretty much all the household work done, washings, cooking, cleaning all sorted during the day then when he walked in at 6pm dinner was ready and we would have the evenings to ourselves to relax together and do whatever. However now because he is in so many teams meetings, is stressed and so on that I can't do so much like cook, washings, hoovering etc during the day. Also even though he now works from home he does longer hours (he works in the kitchen as it is the only space he can fit his 2 screen set up) so I can't start cooking until 6.30 most nights then we eat later and I am trying to catch up with house work and not even sitting down till after 9pm some nights. It is all very mundane really but has an impact.

I have suggested moving somewhere with more space, or where we could build him a good garden office but until we know what is happening with his job, how much of a mortgage we can go for that is on hold.

I do agree with your general statement that we are spending too much time together and that their is no separation of work and personal space. He just is so resistant to going into his office space though. I do get upset that he can't seem to see past not having to commute and the toll it is taking on us. We were fine during the lockdowns but the thought that it will go on forever like this is depressing.

@Alcemeg Thanks for that suggestion, I agree it isn't my weight as it wasn't an issue before. I will take a look at some lingerie and see if anything looks like it would be good for us.

Blood pressure medication quite often ruins your libido. Can he not manage his blood pressure with dietary changes? Has he tried?

Could he speak to his GP about it from a medical angle?

It sounds like there's a lot going on that could be contributing to the situation. There's the medication issue, work stresses, potentially a lack of mental boundaries between personal space and professional space, issues with his parents.

He might benefit from talking the situation through with someone professional and neutral to get to the crux of the issue.

Honestly, I'm fat and old and my husband is years younger than me. I just assumed I was old, fat and ugly. Imagine my surprise... Works a treat!! Wishing you the same, worth a go x

@Aquamarine1029 Ah I see, I think our diet is ok it is very healthy really and he doesn't have the sweet tooth that I have but everything is cooked form scratch, lots of fresh fruit and veg and it isn't high in salt, we also very rarely eat meat and eat fish once or twice a week. When he was being tested by the GP we did reduce salt (and still do) but it didn't seem to affect his blood pressure at all. Apparently not all high blood pressure is caused by diet and he isn't overweight at all. I think his high blood pressure is due to stress from his job and family and also due to his sleep apnoea which the GP won't make a referral for.

He does drink a couple of beers on a Friday and Saturday night and I do notice it makes him tired the day after. It really isn't a lot of alcohol (I don't drink at all) and he really looks forward to it and I don't think he would give it up as it is his only vice.

I'd be careful about the lingerie thing - it's crushing to get dressed up and not get the reaction you'd like. Also may feel like pressure to him.

Talk to him about it before donning a French Maid outfit or whatever 😃 - if he thinks it might get his motor running , then yeah, but otherwise it's a bit risky to your self-esteem rather than risque.

@LolaSmiles Yes I do think it is lots of thing going on and yes it would be an idea if he spoke to the GP about the medical side of it. It is possible the stress of everything is pushing him into depression. It is all very out of his comfort zone though so it will need to be approached carefully. Thank you for your advice.

@Alcemeg Well I hope so! Although as @category12 suggests it is a bit of a risk and I would be devastated if he still rejected me. Like everything suggested it needs to be approached very carefully and at the right time which is tricky.

I have a similar situation. DH has been on high BP meds for 10 years and things were ok at the start but as he's gotten closer to 50 and beyond, he's struggled to finish (even though he doesn't struggle to get erect) which means he hesitates to initiate. If I ask he tries but it doesn't make me feel desired so I've sort of given up. He asked the GP if it was due to the meds and was told no, but looking at this thread looks like it might be the cause.

@SoftPillowAllNight Sorry to hear that, its very depressing isn't it? If it is down tot he meds then I am not sure what to do as his High BP does need to be treated.

I think it needs to be more spoken about that huge numbers of men don't like or want sex or are having medical issues or are stressed etc. generally men are made out to always be sex maniacs who can turn on like a tap so it's even more crushing to women when their man doesn't want it and end up blaming themselves. When the reality is that there are many who just don't want it or feel like it.

@Disturbia81 Thank may be true but it needs to be men who speak about it and communicate with their partners so that everyone can assess if the relationship is still viable. I don't think wanting sex once a week or even once a fortnight makes anyone a sex maniac but sexual intimacy is important to a relationship for most people.

You've read my post wrong, I am totally in support of you and wasn't calling you a sex maniac. Maybe read it again

@Disturbia81 No, I know its just a touchy subject for me. I do understand what you are trying to say, sorry.

I would push for a sleep apnea mask. We weren’t having major issues in bed at all, but in the year my DH has had his mask, his libido has increased and erections better. It wasn’t something I would’ve noticed. I’m guessing it’s an increase in circulation?

@CreativeUsername1001 He has been to the GP and they say they can't do anything regarding a sleep study or mask until he has daytime sleepiness (which he doesn't) and if he said he did he has to surrender his driving license which he needs.

I'd say it's probably the blood pressure medicine.

@OhcantthInkofaname his first issue of not being able to maintain and erection was before he was on the BP meds but I think that perhaps that High BP also can cause these issues and not perhaps the issue is more him just not wanting to or feeling too much pressure etc.