Husband never wants to have sex anymore

[bugboard]

Husband and I together for 25 years, now both mid 40's with no kids. Hardly any sex in the past year. He just doesn't want it he says he has a sore back or neck, the he is tired, that he's under too much pressure, stress at work, high BP now medicated. Obviously we are both older now, I'm not a slim woman but I never have been I was bigger when he met me and it never stopped him enjoying sex with me.

Mostly I have stopped trying for sex but I really struggle with no sex at all, ideally I'd like to be with him at least once a week.

I think it was triggered by an episode of ED which I don't think he really has but he was just unable to one time and now I think he has performance anxiety, we don't have sex often at all now so when we do he finishes almost immediately and I don't get satisfied as I usually do orgasm from piv and that is what I want. So I think he perhaps feels he will finish too soon and I still won't be happy which is true, I wouldn't mind if it meant we were working towards fixing things but it just seems to make him feel bad and not want to try again for ages.

Prior to all this we didn't have any sexual issues at all. We both work from home mostly now and it is fine our relationship is good. I know people will suggest he's getting it elsewhere or using porn but that isn't the case. I know he occasionally relives himself in the shower and we are open about that sort of stuff. I think its just that for him mentally sex has become another chore and source of pressure and expectation. I think the cause is largely his job being a nightmare and I've told him to leave and look for something else but he keeps saying it would be the same anywhere.

I don't want to leave him and I don't want anybody else. I just want to be able to enjoy making love to my husband again and it makes me so sad to think that that part of our lives is over with in our mid 40s!

You only have to surrender the licence if you don’t follow treatment, I.e don’t wear the mask. My DH is still driving because he wears the mask religiously. It reads your episodes etc and records them. It’s made my DHs life infinitely better.

@CreativeUsername1001 Ok I will look at this again as I am sure when I looked before it said that as soon as you have the daytime sleepiness you have to surrender your licence until you get treatment and which given current waiting lists could be a year or more. But I will check again, thanks.

Some BP medication can certainly affect libido and could cause ED , it might be worth checking what he is taking ,

https://www.webmd.com/erectile-dysfunction/blood-pressure-medication-and-ed

Ive previously had ED and it really effects how you view yourself, and how you think about yourself, as others have said, don’t worry about PIV, but keep the touching, cuddling etc, make him know you are still there

@NoDatingFor0ldMen I do take your point and will look into it and I appreciate what you are saying about just cuddling and maintaining intimacy in other ways but I want piv again, it is the think I enjoy best so I find it difficult to just forget about it. Obviously I won't pressure him but I'd like to think it will happen again.

@bugboard
What happens if piv is no longer the thing that he wants most or something that he no longer want all? This is nor a question that you are to answer on this thread but it is a possibility that you should be prepared to confront.

His issues may be medical psychological, or just dwindling attraction and personal preference. All of these or a combination of these are within the realm of possibility. You should be prepared to confront and decide what life choices you will make within these parameters.

@bugboard
I don’t really like “what is was the other way around “, but what if was the other way around and you were having a stressful time or a medical situation the was killing your sex drive, how would you like your husband to support you ?

@NoDatingFor0ldMen I have been supporting him and waiting and not pressuring him for almost a year now. There are other things he could do but he isn't even up for the cuddling etc. He isn't speaking to his GP or taking any personal responsibility. I am not just there for him, he also has to meet me halfway and he just isn't. Its very difficult to keep waiting and giving when you don't get much back. I am a person too with my own needs and as much as I want to and am supporting him but I have as much right to all that care as he does.

@Mari9999 Well he can still get erect at times as we have had piv but it is usually short as he finishes too soon. If he were to say to me that it was off the table forever I wouldn't be happy about it at all. I am way too young never to have piv sex again.

This is very similar to the situation with my wife. I’d love to have sex once a week but I feel like my wife would be happy with sex once every six months. I think she sees sex as another chore on the list or feels obliged to do it because she knows I want to.

I find the whole thing quite confusing and upsetting and the rejection has really damaged my self-esteem and confidence. It leaves me feeling like perhaps my wife isn’t attracted to me or is having her needs met elsewhere (something I know is not rational). I’ve stopped instigating it entirely as I feel humiliated being knocked back so frequently, and being told she isn’t in the mood or is too tired (irrespective of time and circumstance). As someone in their 30s, it’s tough being resigned to the sex life of someone far older and less physically able.

I suggest you speak with him and try and explain why it’s important to you and see if you can work it out together? Perhaps there is something specific that is the issue other than what you’ve mentioned? It could be mental load and he just doesn’t have the right headspace? Stress can be a cause of this and these things ebb and flow for some people.

I’ve tried my best to work out what might be affecting my wife and still don’t really understand it. Are household and similar tasks evenly split? Is there any reason for possible resentment and therefore not wanting to feel close?

I know exactly how you feel and it’s not great, so best of luck.

@bugboard
Here's to hoping that the 2 of you find a solution that works for both of you.

He doesn’t want to have sex with you. That’s his choice and you have to put up with it.

I’m in the same boat OP.
DH on medication for high BP and depression. We have had sex probably three/four times in sixteen months. I would like it more but he has no interest, managed to get him to go to the gp but viagra is a no go due to meds. TBH I don’t think he would want to take it even if he could, he just doesn’t want sex. I am trying hard to accept that this is just how it is now and that it doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me but sometimes it does get me down. Especially when I know he sometimes watched porn.
Sorry I don’t have any useful advice just wanted to stand in solidarity.

No she doesn't. She can leave

Oh DP I'm sorry it's really soul crushing, even if it is "only sex" I spent most of my twenties and early thirties with my ex who seemed to have zero libido. We had great sex in the first year, after that he suddenly lost interest. I tried to initiate a lot and bought sexy outfits, but kept getting rejected. Like a previous poster said, it's pretty devastating to get excited about putting some sexy lingerie on for your significant other only for him to barely notice, say he's tired and turn around and just leaves you standing there while he goes to sleep.

In the end it really affected my self esteem so much I stopped initiating. He never wanted to talk about it. He also wasn't interested in other forms of intimacy or foreplay (well he was interested in me doing things for him on occasion but he would never do anything in return, show absolutely no interest in wanting to see me or touch me, I never even took any clothes off by this point). In the end I gave up. For the last 3 years there was nothing. I thought if I just do nothing, I wonder how long it will take for him to finally come to me, cause surely he has some need for intimacy too. Well apparently not, he never did come to me. Not even for a cuddle. I thought 30 is too young to resign to a life without intimacy. It was awful to leave him though. I mean to be fair there were other issues too towards the end, but part of me wonders if we could have overcome them if we had had a healthy level of intimacy, could have talked about it better and if I hadn't felt so crushed self esteem wise by that point.

Either way it's a very complicated conundrum and I guess I still don't really have the answer. But I guess the moral of the story is, if you want to improve something in your relationship it has to be a two sided thing. Otherwise it is unlikely anything will actually change.
If you are not getting anything from him to meet you half way in this, things may get worse as you start to feel undesirable and resentful. You don't want to pressure him, but maybe you do want him to understand that this is not going to be what you want for the rest of your life.

Maybe you can do couples therapy together to help you communicate on this sensitive issue and work on how to create intimacy together without piv as a start and overcome this together in a supportive environment. Hopefully he would agree to something like that.

A man in his 40s having so little sex drive is going to be a medical issue. It does sound like it could be a combination of physical (including blood pressure meds) and possible mental health (mild depression?).

If he is so worn down about work that he doesn’t think any job will be better that is really hard. Sometimes people need someone who helps pull them out of that sort of slump. You may be able to help, but also some times a spouse is too close so a friend who is good at the se things may be better?

There are things in the relationship others have suggested but the other things probably need action too. If work and medication/health are issues they need sorting for more reasons than sex.

Indeed that’s the other option

It’s amazing how people manage to rediscover their libidos when in new marriages or clandestine affairs, and that seems to apply in any age group, especially the older age groups. Women in their fifties and sixties seem to be particular prone to this phenomenon.

Can you stop bumping threads to make bitter posts that are clearly related to your own experience? I've seen it a few times now

I had this exact problem with my DH. It went on for years. I was so unhappy and would tell him frequently, that I did not want to be celibate! For reference, we are 54 & 51 years old. A few months ago, he started taking Tadalafil 5mg. This is a bit like viagra, but you take it every day, and if you want sex is guarantees you won't have ED. What we didn't know, was that it would bring his sex drive back. He was on it a few months before that happened, but oh my goodness, he is now wanting sex ALL the time. In the last month, we have had sex every day. I would strongly recommend giving this a try. He gets it from Numan on a repeat prescription. It arrives in plain packaging once a month. He did his application for it on line, he didn't have to speak to a person face to face. It has been life changing for us as a couple. I'm over the moon, and he is too. I think a huge part of it (for him) is knowing that he can get, and maintain an erection, and won't "fail".