Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can I find love as a single mum?

43 replies

Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 13:38

A month ago I was dumped by my partner of 2 years after he decided he didn't want to commit to my children long term (despite saying he was going to for 2 years). I am completely heartbroken and struggling to have any hope for the future re. Relationships. My children's dad left me before him for a younger woman. All I want is to meet someone who I really like who can see a future with me. I am 38 and feel like it's only going to get harder. Are single dads my only option? Any success stories? My children are 8 and 3

OP posts:
JacobKrisMyLoadAndXavier · 20/08/2023 13:58

You might find someone else but 2 men who left you're needing to look at what happened with them and why you chose wrong twice which takes time to figure out so I personally would focus on raising my children. I think the older one has been through a lot, dad and then boyfriend leave it's retraumatising. Even if the bloke doesn't move in the whole disappearing from their lives and then seeing their mum sad and heartbroken again or distracted and out with another bloke is just unpleasant experience. I'd forget about men and focus on bringing them up.

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 14:09

Why do you have an issue with single dads? You make them sound undesirable but don't want people to judge you the same?

Roselee1 · 20/08/2023 14:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

JibbaJab · 20/08/2023 14:14

Surely single dads are more aligned to family life than those who are not, with experience of raising and being around children.

I wouldn't have a problem meeting a single mum down the line who also had children. Same on the opposite side, they would understand family life already.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 14:17

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 14:09

Why do you have an issue with single dads? You make them sound undesirable but don't want people to judge you the same?

I don't have an issue with single dads at all. It just narrows my options that's all. It's surprising how many men my age and older don't have children.

OP posts:
Treacletoots · 20/08/2023 14:19

You need to work on yourself a little OP. If you love yourself, then it's a lot easier to find someone who will too. Otherwise you're judging yourself by how others perceive you and that you only value yourself because a man told you he loves you.

I think as women we're told from an early age that we're not enough, that we need to be married, have a husband or partner to be whole. What utter bollocks. The reality is, women live a lot longer single than men, so clearly the patriarchy 's propaganda is just that.

Focus on yourself, your children and being happy with your family as it is now. When you're ready, the right person will turn up, but if they don't, you won't care either way.

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 14:20

Really! Where are you looking? I would say the vast majority of men have kids by 38!

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 14:20

Also there are loads of single mums by that age as well so the fathers would be single also?

TwilightSkies · 20/08/2023 14:22

You’ve only been single for a month. Relax!

ShineBright1209 · 20/08/2023 14:24

I think you need to focus on you and your children. Looking at the ages of your children it doesn’t seem like there was a big gap between their dad going and you meeting your boyfriend.
From personal experience when my parents split up my mum went from man to man because she didn’t like being on her own, it felt like she was more interested in finding a boyfriend than actually being a mum and I was 12 so older than your children but that was my view on it then and still is now.
I have 4 children and split up with their dad 3 years ago, I was adamant I wouldn’t make my mums mistakes. I’m still single and happily so, its took me this long to even think about the possibility of bringing another man into mine and their lives. I’m not actively looking but would now be open to the idea and not shoot someone down instantly as I have over the past 3 years when asked out.
I also think that single dads will be one of my options but I don’t see that as a bad thing, I’d never expect anyone else to commit to my children as they are mine but at least a single dad would also realise that the children always come first regardless of anything else.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 14:26

I don't mean I want to find someone right now because I'm not ready yet. I'm perfectly happy to work on myself for a while. Its more of a general concern about the future. I don't think it's unreasonable to want to have someone to share my life with and not want to be alone forever. Just because I have children doesn't mean I should have to sacrifice my own happiness forever just to focus solely on them. I'm a person too....

OP posts:
Whathapp · 20/08/2023 14:36

JacobKrisMyLoadAndXavier no need to blame the OP for the actions of her two exs

BananaSlug I’m late 30s and no man around my age and in my circles professionally or personally has kids

Whathapp · 20/08/2023 14:37

dont worry Lilaclala you have time and opportunity to meet someone

you’re still young

Namechangedforthis2022 · 20/08/2023 14:37

I am older than you & a sole parent, met my Boyfriend OLD, he is younger but a committed single dad, we both have the same priorities & no blending in sight...there is hope!

Namechangedforthis2022 · 20/08/2023 14:43

Namechangedforthis2022 · 20/08/2023 14:37

I am older than you & a sole parent, met my Boyfriend OLD, he is younger but a committed single dad, we both have the same priorities & no blending in sight...there is hope!

Also, I was single for nearly 2 years & happy with me before I met him, I had a lot of therapy & focused on me and my child first...I know it sounds cliche but once I was happy alone I met him...

madeinmanc · 20/08/2023 14:50

I don't have children and I'm single whereas I've plenty of friends who do have children who have met someone. There's no set rules. In fact, a male friend who is rather handsome and very nice, a catch basically, has recently settled down with a woman with two young children.

Original poster
Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 14:54

madeinmanc · 20/08/2023 14:50

I don't have children and I'm single whereas I've plenty of friends who do have children who have met someone. There's no set rules. In fact, a male friend who is rather handsome and very nice, a catch basically, has recently settled down with a woman with two young children.

Thank you. That gives me hope

OP posts:
Titicacacandle · 20/08/2023 14:56

Oh god don't look for single dads. Blending families with two sets of dc and two exes ends in disaster a lot of the time. Go over to the step parenting board and have a look at how awful it is.

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 14:58

Titicacacandle · 20/08/2023 14:56

Oh god don't look for single dads. Blending families with two sets of dc and two exes ends in disaster a lot of the time. Go over to the step parenting board and have a look at how awful it is.

Yet men with no children should put up with her kid and her ex 🤦‍♀️ yeah im sure they will be queuing up

Original poster
Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 15:00

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 14:58

Yet men with no children should put up with her kid and her ex 🤦‍♀️ yeah im sure they will be queuing up

Show quote history

Thanks that helps a lot! Looks like I've got no hope. Why bother saying anything if you've got nothing nice to say

OP posts:
BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 15:05

Single people don't want to put up with other peoples kids or exes just as much if not more, its called being realistic! Telling someone not to bother with single dads because they have kids and exes which is literally what you have yourself but expect others to look past it but won't yourself?

Original poster
Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 15:09

I didn't say I wouldn't go for a single dad. I would, but as that person above mentioned it brings up other issues. Basically I'm fucked either way.

OP posts:
Zanatdy · 20/08/2023 15:13

If you are up for OLD then yes I’m sure you’ll meet someone. I’m mid 40’s and can get dates if I want them, my friend has met a few men OLD. If you’ve got time when kids go to dads or a babysitter then I’m sure you won’t have an issue. Give yourself time as you’re just out of a relationship and maybe 6 months down the line start investigating some OLD

JibbaJab · 20/08/2023 15:15

I think you're creating an issue that's not there.

There will be guys who would be happy to be with a single mum and there will be single dads as well.

Whether or not the families blend together well, depends on the families. Just like whether a relationship works depends on both people.

Doesn't mean you're fucked, it's not happened, you don't know until it does.

BananaSlug · 20/08/2023 15:17

Lilaclala · 20/08/2023 15:09

I didn't say I wouldn't go for a single dad. I would, but as that person above mentioned it brings up other issues. Basically I'm fucked either way.

The last guy left because he didn't want to put up with your children. I'm not saying you need to date a single dad but dismissing people because they have children when you do yourself is a bit rich and the last guy literally left because he couldn't deal with your children.