how did you decide to leave your husband?

[newmummy27]

i am in a dilema have been for years on and off. what made you finally decide enough is enough?

My dad died. Just dropped dead. Gone just like that! Daft as it sounds my first thought was that my dad wouldn't want to be looking down on me and seeing me live the way I was living. With a nasty, violent, controlling bully. I don't know where the heck the strength and confidence to do it came from but, I did it. I left him

Depends on the dilema, and what you have tried to do to resolve the issues. Are children involved?

Was partner, not husband, but a friend gave me a book called "Love Must Be Tough" when she saw me change due to an emotionally abusive relationship. It changed everything for me.

i am not being bullied, he is not nasty he is not violent, in fact thats the problem, there is nothing. he just relies on the fact i have depression. PND also. my son is 15 weeks old.he is very shy and has lost his confidence, probably partly because i have been shouting at him which i am not proud of, but recently am stopping myself as i know it isn't fair. i am quite a strong independant person with ambitions, i am not bad looking and have in the past been quite outgoing. i also have brains. now i have no self-esteem and i lock myself away, even if it is just in my heart. i dont know what to do. my son is so beautiful and i dont want him to come from a broken home like i did.

Well he used to say that we could not split up because he would end up in a tiny bedsit. However in the end he stopped paying the mortgage on our MH and adopted an ostrich approach to that. So I forced the sale and we broke up.

I wish that I had not been so weak and forced the issue sooner as our marriage was very unhappy. But he was very controlling and its very difficult with young children. As it was when we split they were 9 and 4, so still young.

The irony is that he has ended up with rich DP who owns a large house. So his fears were completely unfounded. And new DP is pg!!

better for your ds to come from a broken home than grow up with a mum with no self esteem who locks herself away in her heart.

The reson I divorced my ex was because I didn't love him and I wasn't growing or able to be myself in that relationship. I felt stifled and trapped, and bored, and like life had so much more to offer.

He was also violent and a compulsive lier and a pothead to boot, but the decision to leave him, I remember, was the realisation that I didn't love him and wanted to do so much more with my life.

Sounds like neither of you is bringing out the best in the other person or nurturing each other's or your own growth. Not a good way to spend the rest of your lives really is it?

no it isnt
i am so fed up of pretending everything is ok, my parents just stear away from the conversation. i am so unhappy

I?d like to know that too. I can?t say my DH is violent or abusive in any way. He is mostly kind and thoughtful. He loves me and still finds me attractive. He?s a good dad. But I?m largely bored with him. I am fond of him and I know he's a good sort but it doesn't seem enough. And I feel worn out after years and years of having young kids, working full-time and being a household drudge too. I resent that. I?m not proud of it but I do. I don?t know why. I never really expected any man to ?keep? me so why I feel so upset about it I don?t know. I?m also in my 40s and there is an element of wanting to do more with my life before I get any older.

I keep thinking how wonderful it would be to be free. But I suspect the reality is very different ? being ?free? with young children would be hard. In my case I think I need to give myself a kick up the ar*e and get a grip on reality. But just now it wouldn?t take much to push me into doing something .

With me it was when I realised that even after couselling, he was never going to change.

We had been moving towards that point for a while, but I kept trying things to change the situation first. When I realised nothing was going to change, it was time to take a trip to the solicitor.

I went through a cancer scare and thought a lot about dying. I just thought that I would feel really sad because I hadn't lived my life enough (not in an age way but because of my relationship)

My ex was not abusive or violent. He was fundamentally a nice guy but I was bored, trapped, unhappy and unfulfilled

Life is too short and I moved on

Ouch, tillyscoutsmum. That sounds familiar....

Do you still love your DH?@OrmIrian

Orm - It was an awful time and it wasn't an easy decision to make. My friends and family couldn't understand it and a lot of them "sided" with him BUT I'm now happier than I've ever been. I have a fantastic dp whom I actually look forward to spending time with and chatting with. Its a proper relationship

I really didn't want to be divorced. My parents were and I was determined to be married forever. But I used to sit at home and fantasise about something happening to him to I could be free I know it sounds awful but that's what I used to do ...

Hope you get the strength to do what will make you happy x

Yes I love him mumcentreplus. But in a sort of dog-eared 'good old DH' kind of way iyswim. Sometimes it doesn't seem enough to get me through the daily grind.

I cant be arsed with a namechange..How long have you been married Orm? I've been married for 7 yrs(not long really) and feel the same-my dh is the same as you described yours as.I've been feeling like this for a long while..and I was hoping it would go away and some amazing spark would fire back up

No I couldn't be bothered to namechange either posh. I did it once before then changed it back and posted on my own thread as myself....doh!

We've been married 15 years. Lived together for 5 years before that. So most of my adult life. It does go in phases. Recently got my libido back again after years of being in hiding, but TBH it's just sex I want, not sex with DH . No returning spark here either.

I feel awfully guilty as My dh is a fantasic person and has done nothing but be here for me and the children,and I understand about the sex also-dunno where my head is atm,I really don't.

for me, i found out he'd been screwing around on me. my initial offer to try and work things out was dropped when he refused to stop seeing her. he had been withdrawn, non communicative and drinking far too much for months and i thought it was something that I was doing wrong, like paying too much attention to 3 under 5yos. I quickly realised he was just being weak and selfish and me and the children moved out. He left 'her' after they had a son to live with a rich gf in a lovely area and i'm still struggling along.

but i would say that in no way is my home 'broken' ugh! hate that term! it implies that other unbroken families are perfect and shiny and they're really not.

Orm - I do hate to say this because I only know you from what you've posted here, but it does seem to be a bit mid-life crisis and a bit taken for granted and being 'just' a wife or 'just' a mum. you need to talk to your husband and consider counselling before making any decisions about your future.

being on your own with young children is fine - really it is, but if you think you're a 'drudge' now, it could easily be a lot worse. you can do so much more with your life - you can go on holiday alone or take a creative writing clas sor whatever you fancy doing. you can do it with or without your husband, but i do think that you should tread very carefully, because once you've made some decisions you can't take them back.

sorry new mummy, i forgot all about you! again apologies becasue i'm making a lot of assumptions based on what you've typed, i obviosuly don't know you, but i think the lacking in confidence and self esteem is part and parcel of your PND. you maybe want more support from your husband because you feel asdrift after pregnancy, but he possibly feels excluded? please don't make any rash decisions and talk to your helath visitor/GP/other professional about your PND - it will lift, it may need help to lift but you will feel just like you used to, only a bit better because you've produced this wonderful little boy.

Thanks persephone. I know you are right. The phrase 'mid-life crisis' keeps ringing round my head too I'm not doing anything drastic just for the moment.

Yes, sorry newmummy, for the hijack.

see, when a certain type of man has a mid life crisis they start working out, buy little red sports cars and run around after women half their age. when women do it we just worry about it all. then tend to stick with what we know because it's safe. you should ultimately do what makes you happy, but take into consideration the feelings of your partners and feelings and expectations of your Dcs. you can still be happy with the man you chose such a long time ago but it takes work ( obviously not speaking from experience here!) and both parties need to want to make it work. it's not just down to one person in the relationship to do all the running and making everything all right.

orm does your oh (and you too newmummy) know how unhappy you are?

No. We've been over this sort of ground before but I've never ever told him I've thought of leaving him. I couldn't because fundamentally he's a decent human being. In the end I just get fed up of rowing and crying and blame it all on my hormones, or worry, or being overtired. And how do you explain it to your partner without it being unbearably hurtful?

And I'd love a sports car too But can't afford.