Are we being emotionally abused?

[KrazyKatPerson]

I’m reaching out for a listening ear again. Husband been awful to 10yo last night 😪😪 I am really considering my options. Feel so stuck as he’s apologised and they’re quietly playing uno downstairs now and wouldn’t want to take kids away from their dad… here’s what happened last night… I’ve been keeping a record of many similar incidents

Again after he’s been drinking wine. We are on holiday. We played Mario party on Nintendo switch as a family which went v well until 10yo (our youngest) lost.

He got v upset. 12 yo was pleased as she’d never won before. He didn’t hear her say that and stomped upstairs in tears. Husband went after him and instead of calming him down had a massive go at him for being rude to his sister for not congratulating her on her win.
He told him to do his teeth then go and apologise to his sister. 10yo did his teeth and put himself to bed.

Husband lost temper when discovered 10yo had put himself to bed and forced him downstairs to apologise to her. I tried to calm him down but he was v upset (10yo). He then went back upstairs and hid under his duvet and I said to him I’d be there when he wanted to talk.

Went back downstairs. Heard husband go into 10yo and shouting started - he accused him of turning the fan onto a faster setting and wasting electricity. 10yo insisted he didn’t and husband accused him of lying and forced him to apologise.

I went up at this point to calm 10yo down again (1030pm by this point). He was very upset.

I went into husband (who by this time had his headphones in watching sthing on laptop and was refusing to make eye contact with me). and calmly asked him to go make peace with 10yo - husband said was I ok with son lying. I said if he did lie it was probably because he was afraid of upsetting you. I reiterated that son is a 10yo boy who is just upset about losing a game and said my priority is to calm him down and get him to sleep.

Husband then stormed into son’s room, switched the main light on and said to him loudly ‘I’m in here to talk to you because Mummy told me to, you were lying to me and you need to apologise then we can move on’ etc etc
10yo apologised and husband said thank you for saying sorry but don’t ever lie to me again 😪

Cue me having to calm 10yo down for an hour before he would sleep - tears, calpol, cuddly toys, reassuring it wasn’t his fault etc etc.

I was so upset that I’m sleeping in with the children.

Husband came in at midnight to ask me why I wasn’t in our bed. I said I’m sleeping here to check 10yo is ok. He said ‘he’s fine’ and I said well he wasn’t for an hour. He said ‘I suppose that’s all my fault’ and stormed off 😪 can’t take much more.

He’s also been short with 12yo as she’s a bit hormonal and he doesn’t understand why she’s gone into her shell (since she got her periods) I’ve tried to tell him it’s normal for nearly 13yo girl to go quiet

Next morning… we’re all v tired. I hardly slept. Husband apologised to son but isn’t speaking to me. Obviously he thinks it’s all my fault for challenging him.

This is by no means the first time. Am I right to be considering my options? V reluctant to take kids away from their dad having had that experience when I was growing up. Help 😪

You are not happy.
The children are not happy.
He is not happy.

Seek marriage counselling and/or leave.

Why are you giving calpol? Bizarre. Unless a fever or in pain, if you're using it for comfort you're setting a dodgy path of drugs to feel better.

Your 10 year old needs more resilience if he is rude when losing. It's not a nice trait.
Everyone is in the wrong here but I wouldn't say it's abusive.
If the 10 year old is lying then yes he needs to know it's not acceptable.

Bizarre situation
The dynamic is odd

Your children need to be raised in a calm and emotionally safe environment and currently they have neither.

You have a choice re this man, your children do not. I would also be contacting Women’s Aid here and discuss your options with them.

What do you want to teach your children about relationships and what are they learning here?

In hindsight do you think your mother did the right thing here in she leaving your dad ?. Do you think history has repeated itself in that you’ve married a man not too dissimilar to your father?.

Hi thanks for your reply.
I gave calpol as he has a bad foot - just to add to everything.
he didn’t hear his sister when she said she was pleased she won - he was too upset

Your 10yr old was rude and I hate it when kids are like that over losing. Your DH was right to tell him off, but sounds like he went OTT. By all means comfort your child if he’s upset, but from DH’s point of view you’re undermining him and exaggerating it. Why on Earth did he need calpol after being told off?

The calpol was for a painful foot - should have been clearer about that.

Yes he should learn not to be a sore loser but DH was really shouting at him then accusing him of lying - all this at 1030pm at night when I think we should have been calming the situation down not shouting and having a go…

Your husband was wrong to shout like that, but honestly a 10yo should be able to cope with losing a game and your husband was reasonable to pull him up on it. Taking yourself off to bed because you’ve lost a game is not typical 10yo behaviour, does he expect to win every time?

To be honest it also sounds like you’re making it worse by going in and making a fuss of him for over an hour, giving calpol and sleeping in his room etc. It sounds like you’re indulging him and undermining his dad and not pulling him up on his rude behaviour. It also wasnt sensible to send his dad back in to apologise, you should have left it until morning. It sounds like the whole situation was a mess that each of you were feeding in to by completely over-reacting; your husband didn’t need to be so angry, your son didn’t need to be so upset and you didn’t need to be fussing over a 10yo to point of sleeping in his room and completely ignoring the fact he was rude and sulky after not winning a game.

Your husbands behaviour is unreasonable and not okay, but it also sounds like you are far too soft. It sounds like he is going overboard with discipline and you are mollycoddling the children, the kids won’t know where they stand because each parents reactions are at such extremes and neither reaction is supporting them to actually regulate and process their emotions. It sounds like both of you need to do a parenting course or similar to try and improve the way you relate to your kids in time or difficulty because it sounds like neither of you are doing an effective job here.

Your dh is prob sick of your 10 yo being treated like he is 5...
Alcohol and dc don't mix imo... Precisely why...

Thanks for your honesty

Your husband is an aggressive bully who cannot see the bigger picture. He sounds awful.

Your husband sounds like an arse.
YADNBU for considering your options.

Don't know what else has been going on but being a father myself and having experienced emotional abuse for years, I'm not sure in this instance.

To me it seems like there in an imbalance between you and your husband. Problem is when you have a child that hates losing, like mine, you need to show them that's not the way to behave. However, shouting is not the answer in my opinion, you need to be firm, fair and move on. There was no point extending it over other things, deal with the issue, highlight the behavior and move on. He handled it wrong, to me.

Likewise, you may be being too soft in the sense he's gone too far on one end and you've gone too far in the opposite and reinforcing that divide between you that you'll make them feel better regardless. I wouldn't have slept in there, they are old enough now.

Your husband may feel you have undermineded him, which I have also experienced, even though I was fair and it is frustrating. As in there is a difference between discipline and abuse, children especially boys imo need discipline from a father but that doesn't include shouting or hitting obviously. It needs to be done in the correct way.

All I can say from emotional abuse side from my experience with mine, it was never ending and it didn't matter what they did there was something wrong. Good or bad it generally ended up them upset in some way.

You said there have been other events, what does that look like?

That is not abuse.

Your husband is teaching your 10 year old a life lesson. He should have apologised to his sister for not congratulating her, instead of being a sore loser.

It will give him resilliance and breaking your family up over something like that would just be horrendous. Life can be hard sometimes, both yourself and your DH need to meet each other in the middle and support rach other and all will be fine.

each

Thanks for your reply.
Many other events including him shouting at me on front of kids, friends and family, including Xmas. Telling me to go f* myself many times. Threatening to leave. Making fun of me then saying I need to get a sense of humour when I’m upset…

Refusing to let me have joint control over kids’ bank accounts, daughter’s mobile phone…

Think I’ve gone into overdrive on the mother lioness protecting her cubs front. I know they are too old for me to sleep in with them… we are on holiday and didn’t have any other choice as we only have 2 beds here

Am paranoid about taking kids away from their dad as my dad left when I was 8 and it was horrendous.

don’t know which way is up anymore

Sounds like the crime didn't fit the punishment. Your 10yr old should be pulled up on his behaviour, but this was a huge over reaction by your dh.

If I'm feeling generous I'd say your dh is struggling to understand children and how to parent them. Councilling could help, would he go, would he accept he needs help? Being grumpy about. 12 yr old girl being hormonal due to periods is going to turn into a work of pain when she gets older

It sounds quite traumatic for the 10 year old. Yes he was a bit moody about losing, but he got in to bed. That could have been the end of it, or it could have been brought up after breakfast the next day.

A drunk parent barging in to his room when he’s settled for the night to pick a fight about something else, then all the coming and going is a bit much. A drunk man forcing apologies out of your son isn’t good. I’m in agreement drunk parents and kids don’t mix.

Yes this was my gut reaction and the reason why I didn’t want to leave my 10yo when he was so upset

Considering all those then yes, it may well be. I didn't really understand abuse when I was in it only until I was away saw it clearly. I was in the opposite role almost, my wife was the same in that regard and I was protecting the children from it without knowing the severity of it.

A lack of consideration to your feelings or concerns, shouting and screaming in front of the children and others like family or in public for humiliation. Do you get silent treatment often?

All I can say on the children front is in these circumstances when it kicked off, was I was the voice of reason. So in your circumstance of yesterday, I would have gone to them and let them vent and cry, then talk about how they feel but also highlight once they had calmed down about the losing to see that aspect. Once that was done I would have taken them to do something positive, like a hot chocolate or something to bring them back into a positive mindset and they would sleep.

Unfortunately, if you are facing that kind of behavior a lot from a parent, it doesn't get better from my experience. I tried for over a decade to stop it or address it and it just got worse, they didn't care and continued.

So yeah there's a difference between discipline, which should be firm and fair without shouting or screaming to abuse... I'm more inclined to say the latter if you're experiencing those other things too but obviously I don't know for sure.

You don’t need to label your H’s behaviour you need to separate yourself and your kids from it. Your H is a bully who fancies himself the victim, your marriage isn’t the relationship role model you should be demonstrating to your children.

I can't help wondering if you still consider your son to be a baby and over-indulge him. It certainly sounds like it. Your husband may have over-reacted but to be honest, your son behaved very badly indeed. How's your poor daughter this morning?

There is fault on all sides here but I think the thing that stands out to me is how your husband simply wouldn't let it drop. He continued to bully an already upset 10 year old late into the night and is now punishing you for comforting him. For those reasons he is a twat. Is he always controlling?

Sounds like you're "too soft" to compensate for them having an angry bully for a dad.

I doubt that a nuclear family that goes nuclear like this is better for children than a calm single-parent household.

Sounds horrible and aggressive and I couldn’t cope with that.
my dad was like that and I remember wishing he wasn’t around,
but remember if you do split the kids will be with him without you there.