Are we being emotionally abused?

[KrazyKatPerson]

I’m reaching out for a listening ear again. Husband been awful to 10yo last night 😪😪 I am really considering my options. Feel so stuck as he’s apologised and they’re quietly playing uno downstairs now and wouldn’t want to take kids away from their dad… here’s what happened last night… I’ve been keeping a record of many similar incidents

Again after he’s been drinking wine. We are on holiday. We played Mario party on Nintendo switch as a family which went v well until 10yo (our youngest) lost.

He got v upset. 12 yo was pleased as she’d never won before. He didn’t hear her say that and stomped upstairs in tears. Husband went after him and instead of calming him down had a massive go at him for being rude to his sister for not congratulating her on her win.
He told him to do his teeth then go and apologise to his sister. 10yo did his teeth and put himself to bed.

Husband lost temper when discovered 10yo had put himself to bed and forced him downstairs to apologise to her. I tried to calm him down but he was v upset (10yo). He then went back upstairs and hid under his duvet and I said to him I’d be there when he wanted to talk.

Went back downstairs. Heard husband go into 10yo and shouting started - he accused him of turning the fan onto a faster setting and wasting electricity. 10yo insisted he didn’t and husband accused him of lying and forced him to apologise.

I went up at this point to calm 10yo down again (1030pm by this point). He was very upset.

I went into husband (who by this time had his headphones in watching sthing on laptop and was refusing to make eye contact with me). and calmly asked him to go make peace with 10yo - husband said was I ok with son lying. I said if he did lie it was probably because he was afraid of upsetting you. I reiterated that son is a 10yo boy who is just upset about losing a game and said my priority is to calm him down and get him to sleep.

Husband then stormed into son’s room, switched the main light on and said to him loudly ‘I’m in here to talk to you because Mummy told me to, you were lying to me and you need to apologise then we can move on’ etc etc
10yo apologised and husband said thank you for saying sorry but don’t ever lie to me again 😪

Cue me having to calm 10yo down for an hour before he would sleep - tears, calpol, cuddly toys, reassuring it wasn’t his fault etc etc.

I was so upset that I’m sleeping in with the children.

Husband came in at midnight to ask me why I wasn’t in our bed. I said I’m sleeping here to check 10yo is ok. He said ‘he’s fine’ and I said well he wasn’t for an hour. He said ‘I suppose that’s all my fault’ and stormed off 😪 can’t take much more.

He’s also been short with 12yo as she’s a bit hormonal and he doesn’t understand why she’s gone into her shell (since she got her periods) I’ve tried to tell him it’s normal for nearly 13yo girl to go quiet

Next morning… we’re all v tired. I hardly slept. Husband apologised to son but isn’t speaking to me. Obviously he thinks it’s all my fault for challenging him.

This is by no means the first time. Am I right to be considering my options? V reluctant to take kids away from their dad having had that experience when I was growing up. Help 😪

"Went back downstairs. Heard husband go into 10yo and shouting started - he accused him of turning the fan onto a faster setting and wasting electricity. 10yo insisted he didn’t and husband accused him of lying and forced him to apologise".

That is mental. Your husband sounds like a and a massive bully.

I can’t believe all these people saying your husband’s behaviour was at all acceptable. 10 is still a little kid. He was berated over several hours over several different issues by a drunk bully. Including turning on the light at 10.30 when the child was asleep to shout at him some more. On what planet is that ok?

@KrazyKatPerson I left an emotionally abusive marriage on November. My ex sounds a bit like yours - would fly off the handle after drinking (or when hungover) and react disproportionately to the slightest provocation. Usually at me but he had no compunction about letting rip on front of the kids - smashing things, calling me a fucking bitch etc. The nearly final straw was one of these occasions when my 8 y.o pushed him (to try to get him to stop) and ex grabbed his arm and left a bruise. I knew he would never change and it was only going to get more volatile as the kids (especially DS8) got older.

It’s been 8 months now and he’s finally left the house (took forever to get him out and the financial separation is still not done). We have a calm and happy house now and several people have commented on how much happier DS seems. I thought I was shielding them from the worst of it but I wasn’t. I also thought I was staying for the kids - in reality I left for them.

Hes a prick OP

Im currently in the process of separating from a similar prick

Its good to hear positive stories from posters like @Endoftheroad12345

I’m not sure I agree with the people saying you’re being too soft.
if you are being soft it’s probably to compensate for your husband being so harsh and scary.
its normal for a kid to react badly to losing. All he needs is a quiet word about it, not this OTT reaction from your husband.
I think you’re doing all this extra comforting and sleeping in the kids’ room because they’re scared and unsettled and you know that.
kids don’t need all that drama at bed time as you know yourself.
I think you sound like a sensible and lovely mum. I don’t think your husband sounds very safe.

@THATissoooFETCH I stayed for years. We met when I was 20, married when I was 27, separated when I was 41. He always had an anger problem and there was physical violence on occasion too. I’m almost reluctant to mention that in these posts because people think “oh he’d never hit me/I’d never stay if he hit me” - but I found the emotional abuse far more corrosive. He “only” hit me twice in 20 years (not to minimise! - lots of other instances of physical intimidation, pushing, pinching, hitting me through a pillow etc) but the EA was constant … from walking out of the room while I was talking to calling me names to smashing things to criticising my driving to talking down to me… the full spectrum. Whenever anything went slightly wrong in our life (a non-sleeping baby, a flight delay, the plumber didn’t show up) it would be my fault. It was never “us versus the problem”

Sometimes weeks or months could go by and life would be ok but inevitable the cycle would repeat. For a long time I thought he was essentially a good person with an anger problem … I eventually realised that he was an abusive person who could put on a mask - always for outsiders and sometimes for me. Once you have that lightbulb moment, it’s very hard to stay married because you realise the person you thought you were married to doesn’t exist.

On Christmas Day last year both kids slept in my bed - after ex H raged at me about how I was trying to “goad” him via the spotify playlist I’d put on. Rihanna Take a Bow wasa coded message apparently. I’d told him I wanted to separate a month earlier but we hadn’t yet told the kids and I was trying to make Christmas nice for them. He managed to hold it together while my family was over - the screaming started almost as my parents’ car was driving away. The kids were sobbing and terrified and they slept in my bed while I texted my family in case I needed them to come over to protect me.

When you are sleeping with your kids because their dad is scary, it’s time to end it.

Your husband is a nasty bully and shouting at a child like that and forcing them to do things is emotional abuse. Intimidating a child is never right.
I would never allow my partner to shout at any of our children like that. It is awful behaviour.

My DC are exactly the same age. I think a meltdown on holiday is entirely normal for a 10yo. Late nights, overstimulation and staying somewhere unfamiliar often lead to an overspill of emotions.

Your DH completely overreacted and added insult to injury. If he really felt that he was justified, he would have stuck to the 1 issue, rather than heaping other crimes on top.

I also slept a night with my 10yo and 12.5yo on holiday when they were scared to be alone. I've spoken to 2 friends in the last week and they have had the same with their 12yos in the last couple of weeks.

Would your H consider some parenting or anger management courses?

Unless her H also regularly loses it with friends, work colleagues and strangers in the street, he doesn’t have an anger management problem. If he only reserves it for his wife and children (and maybe also his mother) - he is an abuser.

That is no way to teach anyone anything.

The best way to teach us to model the behaviour, and look at what is being modelled for this boy - shouting, drunkenness, sarcasm, stroppiness, put downs.

@Endoftheroad12345 That is awful, we are on 16 years, i'm pretty certain this is it. There hasnt been a big 'thing' that has made me think that. Just lots and lots of crap wearing me down. And i just dont want to tread on egg shells any more.

What 10year old isn't a sore loser? Your husband is an adult and should act like one.

So no, YADNBU. Consider your options & get your ducks in a row if you don't want to consider therapy.

Children first, always.

Bit of a mix of opinions op. Fwiw, this would be unbearable for me and I would 100% leave. Your OH sounds like a toddler and a bully.

sometimes kids don’t like losing, sometimes adults don’t either. He took himself off and went to bed. Your OH acted like a child stropping about and bullied your ds.

Thanks so much for all the messages and reassurance. Sometimes I feel like I’m going mad and that it’s my fault. Sorry to hear of other people going through similar and sending love and peace to all xx