Almighty row

[AmyL44]

Husband and I had a massive argument last night. We were discussing a woman we know who’s husband is having his 4th affair. My husband has been a shoulder to cry on for this woman. After this last affair the marriage is apparently over. Husband was telling me that even though their children are grown up she will receive a very large amount of spousal support monthly. I had an opinion about this and he went mad calling me a feminist I was cold hearted etc. I got the feeling he was being very defensive of this woman and I didn’t like it.
I basically said I didn’t think it was right that men or women should pay massive amounts of spousal support for someone who is perfectly capable of working but choosing not to.
If my husband and I were to divorce I wouldn’t dream of asking for spousal support. Tbh husband would be furious if I were to demand this and yet it’s perfectly ok for this woman ?
Thoughts?

He sounds too emotionally attached to her @AmyL44

I wouldn’t be happy he was defending her to the point of us having a massive row, but I do think the woman should get the spousal maintenance. Especially as her husband cheated. There could be lots of reasons her husband still financially supports her, maybe she brought the children up, stayed at home so he could further his career and provide financially so now if she worked full time she would only be able to earn a fraction of what he does because she has put her ambitions career wise on the back burner to be around for the kids. Maybe it was agreed by them both that she would continue to look after the house after the kids had grown. Just because he’s cheated and now she has to leave the marriage, why should her lifestyle change so dramatically. Anyway that’s probably another thread, but just thought I’d put that out there

He called you a "feminist"? Shock, horror! I don't think there's a way back from that!

Sounds like an emotional affair at the very least.

When DH and I had our first child, we were earning almost exactly the same amount with the same future potential (we are the same age and met at work). We have three DC and when they were little I was a SAHM, then went back to work part time and in a different role, was always the one to do the school run and cover illnesses etc. This was a joint decision - DH was just as keen as me on the idea.

Now our kids are teens and DH earns approximately four times as much as me. There's no question that if I'd carried on working full time as he has, I could be on a similar salary to him (he would agree with this).

So if he had an affair and we split up, I would be financially penalised for the rest of my working life for a decision that we made jointly and that has benefited him financially and has been good for our DC.

I would definitely be chasing spousal support in these circumstances. I might not succeed but I'd have a try!

I'm a feminist by the way.

There’s more to this, right? Your H is her shoulder to cry on…

Why do you care so much about her getting spousal support? It's case by case anyway. You don't know the ins and outs of their financial circumstances, her personal capabilities. The ex might have agreed to it regardless of what the court says.

Has she and your h been friends for long then? And has he always been a shoulder to cry on?

I'm presuming the spousal maintenance, and the opinions around this isn't really the issue here. The issue is that your opinion differs to hers,, and he's defending her opinion, to the extent of you having a huge row and resulting in him calling you names.

They are allowed to have different opinions but it sounds less likely he's defending the opinion, but actually defending her! Looks like an emotional affair in the horizon

We were discussing a woman we know who’s husband is having his 4th affair. My husband has been a shoulder to cry on for this woman.

Sounds like a 1st affair could be starting up for someone.

I might say to him to be careful not to stray into an emotional or physical affair with this woman, because if he's sees it as acceptable then you will definitely seek spousal maintenance when you divorce.

Is he not a feminist? Does he even understand what that it means?

In this day and age everyone SHOULD be a feminist

Agree with others he seems to attached

Oh for goodness sake. If a woman has been the stay at home parent, doing the childcare and organising domestic stuff and generally facilitating the life of a man who has enough time for not one but four affairs, then she is perfectly entitled to seek spousal support. What kind of money is she going to earn having been out of the workplace for decades? This man was her husband and should have been faithful to her and their marriage, as no doubt she expected when she made those decisions. It is not feminist to suggest that she ask for or be entitled to nothing. (I work full-time as a single parent and barely get any maintenance, but even I can see that this is not an unreasonable ask).

So I think both you and your husband are being ridiculous in having an ‘almighty row’ about this woman’s personal circumstances.

However, as others have said, the issue is more about his being a shoulder for her to cry on. You are being judgemental of her and he is being defensive of her instead of concentrating on your own marriage.

*maintenance for the children, I mean

you sound bloke, upset that your wife is supporting her friend, and you don't like the fact that your wife and her friend are prepared to even the financial landscape after thier spending years putting their careers on hold to be their for the children whilst you and cheating wanker keep progressing because little wifey will do the leg work with your family.

should say you 'sound like a bloke'

plus ignore all the other Spag mistakes.

Tell him it's good to know, for your own future reference, that he is in favour of spousal support....

It does sound like he is heading towards an EA. I wouldn't blame you for feeling uncomfortable about how much support he us giving her.

This is good advice.

I won’t be getting spousal support, and I think it is falling by the wayside- which young women agreeing to a break from paid work should know.

The woman is entitled to whatever she negotiates in her divorce and taking the side serial cheater, which you are doing, is unfeminist.

He is using "feminist" as an insult?!

The man is an idiot.

Spousal maintenance is rare these days. I get what some posters are saying about being a SAHM and doing all the childcare etc but it’s possible to raise children and work. I wouldn’t be expecting an ex spouse to subsidise my life when I had kids of school age and was perfectly capable of working. Excluding circumstance of children who are disabled etc. Yes for some women that might mean starting again with their career but that’s a risk you take when you become a SAHM. Something I’d never have done because let’s face it most ex’s become extremely protective of their money when split up and getting child maintenance is hard enough. I’d never be reliant on a man personally as I’d feel incredibly vulnerable knowing I had no way out of a bad marriage if I had zero income.

But I agree I’m not really agreeing with spousal maintenance, it’s perfectly reasonable for both spouses to work. I’d also wonder why your husband is so protective of this woman

“Is he not a feminist? Does he even understand what that it means?

In this day and age everyone SHOULD be a feminist”

This struck me, too. I’m 100% feminist as is my DH.

That aside, I don’t really understand your investment in whether or not she gets spousal maintenance. It depends on the circumstances of the marriage as to whether that’s appropriate.

But I don’t understand why she needs to be repeatedly crying on your H’s shoulder. Doesn’t she have any women friends she can talk to about this?

Why do you have such a strong stand against married women having some of the husband's money? And you obviously do have a strong opinion since you ended up in a row about it instead of walking away. Or was it a good excuse to needle your husband because you think he's too close to this woman?

Zanatdy I did not take a career break either, which was just as well because I became a single parent just after DD was born. My exH is still with, many years later, the other woman who became his wife, stayed at home and raised two children of xH’s second marriage. There was certainly a strong expectation on xH’s family’s part that a woman not return to work after having children (and this is less than twenty years ago) and I think my marriage would have survived better had I not. At the same time, one reason xH could safely leave me without a second glance was because I was working, I was capable of raising children myself, and because I was practically doing it all anyway, including earning enough to pay for nursery.

His second wife planned to go back once their eldest was at school. She is still not working for practical reasons. I would be the first to say that he has a responsibility therefore to make sure that a)he does not cheat on her as he did on me and b) he needs to make sure she is financially provided for.

Women are vulnerable when they have children, either they need to do a double shift daily (work and domestic/childcare) unless the man steps up domestically which not all do, or they stay at home and are vulnerable financially, unless their husband takes his vows seriously (and even more so if they don’t get married), which not all do.

NAILED IT.

@NCgoingdry except the law probably won't agree.

The law in effect will say, "You stupid cow not working or working part time to help your family and stbxh. How dim are you? Here, have some poverty now you're getting divorced because otherwise you're expecting a mark ticket for life."

And so many women think this is just. Feminism. 🙄

A meal ticket. Not a mark ticket.