Almighty row

[AmyL44]

Husband and I had a massive argument last night. We were discussing a woman we know who’s husband is having his 4th affair. My husband has been a shoulder to cry on for this woman. After this last affair the marriage is apparently over. Husband was telling me that even though their children are grown up she will receive a very large amount of spousal support monthly. I had an opinion about this and he went mad calling me a feminist I was cold hearted etc. I got the feeling he was being very defensive of this woman and I didn’t like it.
I basically said I didn’t think it was right that men or women should pay massive amounts of spousal support for someone who is perfectly capable of working but choosing not to.
If my husband and I were to divorce I wouldn’t dream of asking for spousal support. Tbh husband would be furious if I were to demand this and yet it’s perfectly ok for this woman ?
Thoughts?

Feminism has many schools of thought. Go back to the first half of the twentieth century and you will find women campaigning for maternity care, antenatal care, family allowances to help support motherhood. in the second wave, you also find women campaigning for the recognition of women’s role as mothers as well as equal pay and conditions in the workplace. It is a misreading of feminism historically to attribute the view that SAHM’s should not be financially protected to ‘feminism’.

Totally agree and my point is if you choose not to work when the children have left home that’s your personal choice and putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

You're missing the point entirely.

No parent should be left in a vulnerable position because they and their partner agreed one of them should stay at home or take a break for the family.

Why should they be penalized for that?

They are penalised and vulnerable but they should not be.

It is wrong.

It probably suited the husband quite well to have her at home. Why should she be in a terrible financial position because of the choices they both made in the marriage?

Particularly when he's the one at fault in the marriage break-up (a moral point rather than a legal one).

But frankly, I'd be wary that your dh is being the shoulder to cry on for this woman, very easy for that to become comforting her with his cock.

There's a few things....He sounds emotionally attached to her, this would be a problem for me. He called you a feminist as an insult, this would be a massive problem for me.

But in terms of the spousal maintenance if he earned well and build up a lot of money during the marriage, which it sounds like he did, I think she should get some of that money. High earning men often are able to do so because the wife enables it through working lessor not at all or in a less pressured role. Also it's none of your business.

But your husband is your buisness and his defensive attitude would worry me.

But having not worked for many years because of raising the children, what kind of work could she get and would it be enough for her to support herself?

I've always worked full time - no choice as I'm a single parent - so I don't really understand those who choose to stay at home long term, but I do understand she wouldn't be able to just walk into a high paying role and that it's at least in part because of being at home and allowing her husband's career to progress.

@BlastedPimples The law in effect will say, "You stupid cow not working or working part time to help your family and stbxh. How dim are you? Here, have some poverty now you're getting divorced because otherwise you're expecting a mark ticket for life."

That is indeed exactly (minus calling my mother a stupid cow or dim, but implying it) what the judge said to my 47 year old mother when she divorced my father 34 years ago when he left her for another woman...my father had waited until my younger brother turned 18, so he wouldn't have to pay any child support, either.

They had only owned the family home for 5 years, so the mortgage still had 20 years to run. My mother honestly thought the law would 'punish' my father for being unfaithful, and she would be 'given' the family home as 'reward' for being a stay at home mother. Once the house had been sold, the equity split in two - minus the penalties and fees the bank imposed due to the mortgage not having been paid in 2 years - my mother got less than £15K. She now lives in a housing association property on a disability pension (not UK, she moved back to her home country after the divorce).

And your father? @FreeRider

@BlastedPimples Married the other woman ), went back to working abroad and now lives in a big house in Kent, which the other woman had when she met him, she was working full time even though she had 2 daughters still at school.

I get all this info second hand (really third) because I've not had any contact with my father in 34 years. To be honest both my parents were selfish narcissists who wrecked our childhoods so I don't actually have much pity for either of them. My mother put her marriage before her children and it blew up in her face....

Should add my father was 5 years younger than my mother and had cheated on her the whole time they were married. He even tried to dump my mother, myself and my two brothers back in our home country when I was 11. His plan failed literally at the last minute, my mother found out the same day and STILL stayed with him. Even though she was a stay at home mother, her family was/is incredibly wealthy and had more than once previously offered to support her and her children if the marriage went tits up.

I quite agree.

I also think that women should go to work and support themselves but each case is different; some are not trained much for anything, they've spent their married lives looking after husband, house and children. In those cases it would take time to get back into the workforce and then she might not earn much. She and children might have to move into a cramped home. It's not at all unreasonable to have spousal support, which isn't necessarily forever, when a husband of many years has had four affairs.

My hope for this woman is that, in time, she will find a decent man and be happy.

Exactly. Easy to have your opinion op. You haven't been left high and dry.

@LBFseBrom Yes but the law doesn't give a fuck if a man has had 2 affairs or 2 million...the money is split as evenly as possible. Spousal support is so incredibly rare, especially if a woman is still healthy and of working age.

To be honest I kind of agree with your husband about spousal maintenance especially if they have children and she gave up her career to care for them and I can understand him defending his friend. I have no idea why you would take such a strong stand against abused women (and this women is abused) being entitled to a share of her husbands money. I actually dont think thats very feminist at all.

My Dad pays my Mum spousal maintenance (agreed by him not through court) and so he should. They collectively agreed he would be the sole earner and her the childcarer and housewife and then after 25 years he left her to very quickly start a relationship with someone else (claims it wasn't an affair but im not convinced) and left her in the complete shit where if it wasn't for her spousal maintenance shed have lost her home. Spousal maintenance acknowledges this. Im pleased my Dad atleast acknowledged the financial shit he was leaving my Mum in after a joint decision to live as they did and compensated her for that.

@FreeRider exactly. The law doesn't give a fuck. Nor does anyone else.

It's wrong.

I would be more concerned about the dynamics of their relationship tbh.

Good on her is what I say.
Who do you think was looking after his children whilst he put all his efforts into furthering his career?
Do your think he would have been anywhere near as successful if he had had to care for his own children and take 13 weeks off a year, finish work at 3pm or at the very latest 5pm to collect his children etc etc etc?
Life isn’t fair.
Also perhaps this was part of the consequence of him committing adultery. Perhaps she only agreed to keep giving him another chance if there was a financial consequence attached.

@AmyL44 Totally agree and my point is if you choose not to work when the children have left home that’s your personal choice and putting yourself in a vulnerable position.

But it would be the woman's personal choice. It's usually a joint choice. One that both partners want. So of course if things go tits up, spiral support may be appropriate.
My dh worked very long days. With commute, he was basically out of the house by 5:30am and hime around 9:30 5 days a week and frequently working weekends. The financial gains were immense. We both decided I wouldn't work as if I had, our dc would not have seen either parent. We also moved countries a few times with his work. It was just not practical for me to work and not feasible for me to build a career without massively impacting his and therefore our incoming money.

I did all the home life. When his job moved us abroad he basically went to work in London one day and then got on a plane and carried on going to work in his new country. I did everything to facilitate the move. I did this for everything. I earned any money I would have received and he was able to do his job and have a family and home life because of me

So yes, had things gone wrong in the marriage I would have demanded spousal support.