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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband left last year

48 replies

Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 14:41

Hi, sorry to post I suppose I'm just looking for some kindness. Today is my 17th wedding anniversary. My husband left after 21 years together last year. I just still feel so lost without him, he left me for someone else, its also is birthday and I found out from our son he's taken her on holiday, I'm not sure why it's upsetting me so much, they have already had 2 holidays together I presume it's just because it's our wedding anniversary. Why does it hurt so much, surely after a year I should be feeling better. I've just thrown up and I just feel so shit.

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Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 18:41

Thank yoy @Stratocumulus it just feels like it will take forever, I think I'm just having a bad day x

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 18:52

Hi @BCBird I'm so sorry for your loss. It's just a mess. He cheated and it's simple as that but it hurts a lot x

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BlastedPimples · 19/08/2023 18:53

Another one echoing it's still very early days for you.

Perhaps you are waking up every morning and thinking, "What the bloody hell?"

It will take a while. A long while. Keep busy. Do what you need to do to sleep, heal, exercise. You're probably still in a form of shock. It is really distressing. Do you have friends with whom you can talk about it?

Have you started anything new at all? Anything that your exh has absolutely nothing to do with or knows about? I'm still looking but with four dcs and four dogs, it is hard to find the time but I think it will help. Marking the first of many proactive steps away.

I too am getting divorced after 22 year long relationship, 19 of them married. I want a divorce but even so it's taking some getting used to.

He is of course with someone else - always had affairs - but I don't think he's a prize at all. He asked me the other day if I was sure I wanted a divorce because he would leave his AP no problem to come home and she wouldn't mind at all as she's "selfless". I just politely said no thank you.

HamBone · 19/08/2023 19:00

He asked me the other day if I was sure I wanted a divorce because he would leave his AP no problem to come home and she wouldn't mind at all as she's "selfless". I just politely said no thank you.

Wow, his cheek and lack of self-awareness is mind-blowing, @BlastedPimples . You’re well shot of him.

So sorry you’re struggling, OP, as a PP said, you’re grieving for the relationship. 💐

Tinysoxx · 19/08/2023 19:09

I wonder whether affair partners could ever feel this type of devastation if they then broke up. I don’t think they can as they must know deep down there is no real trust - if a man or woman can do it once, they can do it again.
OP you get through it and you had a double whammy so at least both those events gone now.

Beaverbridge · 19/08/2023 19:09

Enjoy your wine and chocolate and take consolation in the fact it wonted be all rosies where he is now. Karma will come back to bite him trust me. Just concentrate on yourself, things do get better. 💐.

Thestartofsomethinggood · 19/08/2023 19:23

Chin up. He’s a shit.💩💩💩

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 19:27

Thank you @knobheed99 It does feel kind of unbelievable, It hurts like hell. I've spent this afternoon throwing up,crying and falling asleep and I'm just ready for the day to be over. xx

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 19:50

@BlastedPimples Oh my god were quite the same as in the amount of time we have wasted on these idiots. My ex isn't allowed to speak to me so i've no idea what he actually feels this far down the line. I would tell him not very politely how I feel. I hope we both feel a bit better soon x

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 19:53

This made me smile @Thestartofsomethinggood thank you xx

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 20:25

Thank you @HamBone xx

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 20:31

He left my son and myself for someone with 4 kids to 4 different dads, she also had just became a grandmother, So he's moved into a hectic household. Apparently she doesn't mind stealing husbands and she knew he was was married with an amazing son. I hope karma does come for him xx

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Karma2023 · 19/08/2023 20:32

@Mollylegs As others say it's very early days so don't be hard on yourself. It is grief but with an affair there is also betrayal which adds a very complex layer to the emotions.

Have you finalised details for the divorce?

How old are you?

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 20:33

sorry the message about karma coming was for @Beaverbridge x

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 20:34

I doubt they would feel the decastation they cause to other people @Tinysoxx xx

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 20:41

Hi @Karma2023 my solicitor has sent his solicitor a letter saying I want to start divorce proceedings, I'm 50 years old x

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Beaverbridge · 19/08/2023 20:41

@Mollylegs Well OW sounds delightful doesn't she?!. Seriously I've been like loads others where you are. It really does get better. You wonted think it just now but it does get better. I donated give my ex a second thought now. Oh and he left OW too.

Karma2023 · 19/08/2023 20:41

@Mollylegs Any relationship that starts with an affair doesn't have firm foundations as It's built on lies and hurt.

It also sounds like he has walked into a drama so perhaps he likes the role of rescuer but I suspect the shine will wear off.

Hopelessromatic · 19/08/2023 20:42

Mollylegs , there is no time limit on how long it will take you to be ok ..It took me over 4 years to be ok with my husband's affair and to be strong enough to end the marriage. I still get the odd bad day and life will never be the same but that doesn't mean you wont be happy again ..We just have to accept that life is full of changes and you don't need a man to be happy ..This was the first year I went on holidays without my husband. it was different and at times I found it hard watching couple walking hand in hand , but it was better go than stay at home and myself and my daughter enjoyed our time together. Maybe someday you'll meet a new man and maybe I will too , but if we don't we'll be fine too ...I'm trying to stay positive and think that there is advantages to being on your own like no one to answer to .. Life goes on and it's not were we thought we would be at our age but we've got to make the best of it ..Hugs to you xx

Karma2023 · 19/08/2023 20:47

If the divorce is only starting then you are still at the early stage. It helps to have all formal ties ended so you are starting afresh, whilst there are finamcial links you are still in limbo. It really helped me to change post divorce..I went back to my maiden name & moved house. Breaking the links with him was important.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 21:45

Thanks @Beaverbridge lots of people are saying it gets better so I will just have to give it time x

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Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 21:51

He's an arsehole but, I love him, hopefully I will stop soon x

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Ydkiml · 24/05/2024 22:39

Just read this and wondering how you are another year on Mollylegs ?

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