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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

husband left last year

48 replies

Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 14:41

Hi, sorry to post I suppose I'm just looking for some kindness. Today is my 17th wedding anniversary. My husband left after 21 years together last year. I just still feel so lost without him, he left me for someone else, its also is birthday and I found out from our son he's taken her on holiday, I'm not sure why it's upsetting me so much, they have already had 2 holidays together I presume it's just because it's our wedding anniversary. Why does it hurt so much, surely after a year I should be feeling better. I've just thrown up and I just feel so shit.

OP posts:
petitdonkey · 19/08/2023 14:45

I have just read this and don’t want to leave you alone with your feelings. I’m so sorry this has happened to you and want to send you a virtual hand hold xxx

Yay68 · 19/08/2023 15:06

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I've been through similar. Allow yourself to have "off" days, grieve, cry, tv and good food (you get my drift) A year isn't that long after such a long relationship & certain occasions will trigger you. Please know theres better out there for you. Someone who will love and want all of you. In the mean time, stay close to those who love you. Pour every ounce of love you have into yourself. I promise things will get easier. Accept you feel like crap today, but tomorrow a brand new day. I hope this helps, if only a little bit. Take care of you. Sending love and hugs xxx

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:09

Hi @petitdonkey sorry I have been in the bathroom. I just hate that I still feel so bloody awful, I think its just hit me cause of the anniversary and his birthday. Its been a really hard year. I thought we were forever and I can't quite believe that he's gone off on another holiday with the person who helped split up our family. Just for reference she knew we were married. Thank you for replying xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:14

Hi @Yay68 I get your drift. Today has knocked me for 6 and I wish I could just have a day of feeling nothing at all. It just bloody hurts. Thank you for your reply, I reckon when I look back on it tomorrow I will thank you xx

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 19/08/2023 15:24

Sending you Hugs @Mollylegs You are grieving for your marriage and for the future you had envisioned, so it's perfectly understandable that you are feeling so down. And it is grief - and grief has no strict timetable or a finite end. You have a good reason for feeling so down today. So sorry for the situation you find yourself in

Ofcourseshecan · 19/08/2023 15:26

You’ve suffered a major loss,OP, and your life has been disrupted. As pp said, a year is very little time to recover from the loss of a 17-year marriage. I hope you have family and good friends around you.

Go out to activities you enjoy, maybe make new friends and take up new interests. The pain will pass, but it’s awful while you live through it.

Sending a hug xx

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:30

Thank you @Silvers11 for not minimising my feelings, I keep thinking I'm stupid for not being ok xx

OP posts:
KirstenBlest · 19/08/2023 15:30

Hugs. Just get through the day 5 minutes at a time. You are allowed to feel pain. You are grieving a past you had and a future you thought you'd have.
It will get less painful, I promise. Flowers

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:31

@KirstenBlest I bloody hope so, not sure I can hack it x

OP posts:
skyeisthelimit · 19/08/2023 15:33

OP, it's still early days for you in some ways and you are allowed to take as much time as you need to grieve and deal with things and anniversaries are always hard.

I am 11 years on now and while I barely give anniversaries a glance, I still have the odd day where I wish it had never happened and wish that I was living the life that I thought I was going to. It's just human nature.

Allow yourself this time, and be kind to yourself.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/08/2023 15:36

I'm so sorry OP, I was feeling the same recently. ExH upped and left 5 years ago after 20 years of marriage with no explanation. I was just ghosted. Divorce papers in the post.
All those memories down the drain.
Recently I saw a photo of him on a friends facebook wall on a camping trip with his new woman and I just felt an electric shock of grief and my future that has been washed down the drain.
I know realistically that I would never take him back and don't want him back but it's still a huge shock to the system especially when your entire life has had to change because they left.
It gets better but there is always going to be that photo or that day when it hits you in the face. Hopefully they get less and less.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:37

Hi @Ofcourseshecan thanks for your reply. Yeah nearly 22 years together in total, it still just feels like such a kick in the teeth. Unfortunately my husband wanted us to live closer to his family so I can see my MIL house out of my sons bedroom window and my SIL is just across the road. I don't actually have any friends here so I'm feeling kind of lost today, well a little bit lost every day if I'm honest. Thank you for taking time to reply xx

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:39

@skyeisthelimit thank you, it's bloody hard work x

OP posts:
Silvers11 · 19/08/2023 15:41

Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:30

Thank you @Silvers11 for not minimising my feelings, I keep thinking I'm stupid for not being ok xx

@Mollylegs You are absolutely not stupid for not being OK. Honestly you're not. As others besides me have said you are grieving: I'm sure you wouldn't think someone was stupid, if a year after someone's loved one died, on their wedding anniversary, they were very upset. You are going through very much the same thing. Be kind to yourself - and here's another hug!

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:44

Hi @Gettingbysomehow I'm sorry that happened to you. Its awful how they can just cut you out of their life so completely. My husband doesn't even bother that much with our son and I hate him for that, I hate him for the way he has treat me. You just can't believe they would do anything so bloody awful x

OP posts:
Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 15:46

@Silvers11 thank you so much, jesus it hurts doesn't it x

OP posts:
NC123454 · 19/08/2023 15:50

A year is not a long time to get over a 21 year relationship, op. It's normal to still be hurting. Show yourself some understanding and allow yourself to be upset. I'm sorry for the truly rubbish day you are having.

Daffodil18 · 19/08/2023 15:54

I’m going through an affair and split and it is so painful. Before this happened to me I was a bit oblivious to to how it would feel. I could never imagine the hurt it would cause. It does feel like someone has physically attacked you. Keep looking to the future as nobody deserves this xx

KirstenBlest · 19/08/2023 16:00

I felt like I'd been punched hard in the stomach.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 16:05

Thanks @NC123454 I'm currently stuffing myself with chocolate and wine xx

OP posts:
Stratocumulus · 19/08/2023 16:07

I am so sorry you are feeling so bad but as everyone has said, it’s early days yet. These things can’t be hurried and need to be worked through.
Do everything you can to put his sh*t behind you & make a good life for yourself. Seize every chance to do different things you’ve never done with him; travel solo, take up something new, actively seek out new experiences and new people.

I guarantee one morning you will wake up feeling so much better. It’s happened to lots of us & looking back we wonder why we got so bothered.
Your day will come. You’ll see.

Original poster
Mollylegs · 19/08/2023 16:12

Your so right @Daffodil18 its like what the actual hell is going on. You were meant to be happy yet off you go when someone shows you a little bit of attention. I just feel gutted, as if my insides have been yanked out and just left there. How can you feel so numb yet so much pain at the same time. Its funny cause if he came crawling back i'd tell him to feck off yet I'm still feeling so bad today x

OP posts:
BCBird · 19/08/2023 16:34

Hi OP. I am sending u a virtual hug. A year is not long, particularly if you did not want a relationship to end. You may be grieving for what you have lost and for what might have been. I am going through bereavement and theses are feelings I am experiencing. Don't negate the goid times but remember he did not keep his vows. It is easy to make simeine into a demi God, particularly if we still have wedi hs gor someone. Please be kind to yourself OP.

BCBird · 19/08/2023 16:35

Sorry, that should read particularly when we have feelings for someone

knobheed99 · 19/08/2023 16:51

It's awful OP. I was with someone 5 years and it took me at least a couple of years before I started to feel better.
You were with him so long and thought that was forever, but he left for another woman. It's devastating and you have to go through a grief process. It will take you a long time to get over it - you had the rug completely pulled out from under you and it changed everything you thought you knew.
Even now you're probably only just starting to come out of the shock stage so it is going to hurt unfortunately.
The only thing you can do is go with it - hard as it is. Be kind to yourself. If you want to lie on the sofa and cry, do it. Try to treat yourself to some nice things so you have something to look forward to. Love and care for yourself and you will start to heal.

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