How do you interact with someone whose view of themselves is very far removed from the truth?

[Distantbells789]

A difficult one concerning a close family member. I love them but over the years have grown deeply uncomfortable about the lies they tell about themselves.

I know we all create a narrative about ourselves that helps us to accommodate our faults and inadequacies and uncomfortable truths, and helps us to plod on, but it gets to the point where it’s mentally very unhealthy when the idea you have about yourself is so very far removed from the reality.

I’m uncomfortable (and I’m not the only one in the family who feels this way!) because no one likes being lied to, but mainly because of the damage that these lies are doing to the individual themselves, because despite being academically intelligent, they appear to believe their own stories to a point bordering on delusion. What they say is patently untrue and they don’t seem to understand that everyone else around them knows they are untrue as well! They are not young and it’s so embarrassing!

Maybe they know they are lying but feel compelled to do it out of a sense of deep inadequacy? The trouble is they can never accept any slightest criticism or negative suggestion about themselves (just the usual very tame family stuff which “knocks the corners off”) despite being very outwardly confident to the point of being tough.

We don’t see one another that often in person which makes confronting them problematic because it would ruin a family “occasion” and they would find it very hurtful I think.

To give you an example, they lie about their financial situation eg will pretend to have been mugged rather than admit they are broke. Or they pretend the train broke down instead of being late. They are always broke and late which makes it hard to believe them.

And they make unrealistic claims about their physical capabilities when they can barely move. I understand that’s because in their head they want to do more for others but physically can’t.

I know I sound like a right cow saying all of this but the lies can be totally random, about how they mastered a certain craft and show you things they have made when its obvious they didn’t … it’s so pathetic in the proper sense of the word … so do you confront or just sigh and remain silent?

They do have many other good qualities and no one is perfect!

Would appreciate some advice please. If I confront them privately and kindly it might shake them out of this self delusion and they will stop embarrassing themselves and others in public.

On the other hand, they might feel so hurt that it will rupture our relationship forever.

I don’t know what to do but I do know that others in the family are getting very frustrated to the point they are going to call them at some point a lot more unkindly than is probably necessary.

Posted too soon.

Also CheekyHobson although deeply frustrating I think it makes it easier for me to be compassionate towards them when I understand that they do believe their own lies, or in my parent’s case, desperately want to believe them so much, that they do! So thank you.

Do their lies hurt anyone or is it just white lies that irritate?

If it hurts no one then say nothing. People who lie like this feel they have nothing in their lives and need to embellish. Try to understand why they lie and think about what it does for them. What would pointing out you know they lie do for the situation? Would it improve their life? Would it stop them getting involved in conversations? Would they just get too embarrassed to go to family events which may be the highlight of their social calendar.

I have a relative who lies about loads of harmless stuff and he’s one of the senior members of the family but we just nod and play along as it hurts no one and feeds a need for him.

Jibbajab I have every sympathy when it involves dc. That is where I draw the line tbh.

Well apart from the lies that adversely affect their relationships with their grandchildren, it’s more that they adversely affect themselves because it continues a damaging narrative that they are good with money, when they continue to spend frivolously, which leads them to not saving - so whenever they have an “unexpected” expense such as a new fridge, or vets bills - it’s a “surprise” - and then usually one of us has to step up.

Ditto the narrative that they are almost saintly in their relationships with friebds and others, when they continually flake out on them.

I feel mean writing this because I think they genuinely have forgotten how many times they have needed bailing out!

It’s not a question at all in this instance of having to embellish their life because they have lots going on!

This is an excellent description of N behavior. It is spot on.