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Original poster

How do I accept my relationship with MIL will never be what I wanted

28 replies

Magenta3 · 19/08/2023 11:03

Known MIL for 6 years now.

We are totally different people. Chalk and cheese. We have hardly anything in common other than loving her son. I have tried A LOT over the years to instigate conversations, find a middle ground but I end up with not a lot in return.

I get on better with one of my friend's MIL and an older female neighbour than I do my actual MIL...I'm finding it hard to accept. I've had a few heated convos with my partner about MIL because I get frustrated that I can't connect with her. He understandably sees this as an attack on his mum but I don't dislike her, I just don't understand her.

I'm feeling I have to learn to accept this situation for what it is - how can I let go of my frustration and stop dwelling on what I want. I don't want to hurt my partner by getting frustrated with his mum for who she is.

OP posts:
firestarter2023 · 19/08/2023 11:05

Just accept you're different people? Sounds like you're being well OTT tbh

Stratocumulus · 19/08/2023 11:07

He needs to understand that we have chemistry with some people and not with others. That’s a notion that might be hard for a bloke.
It’s ok for you not to have any chemistry with the woman. We’ve all, for example worked with colleagues we have no chemistry with. He probably does?
You can only do your best and that will have to be good enough.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 19/08/2023 11:09

She's a random person who you only know through your husband, why do you have to connect with her? Would it bother you if it was your FIL you didn't connect with?

Just take the relationship as it is, be polite to each other, make what little small talk you're both comfortable with and leave it there.

ChesCazza · 19/08/2023 11:15

I don't really understand the issue? Unless your DH or MIL is expecting you to force a relationship and spend lots of time together?

I never spent much time with STBXH's mum. Especially not without STBXH. I would give her the same polite general chit chat that I would give any other random person I'm indifferent towards. How are you? How's work? How's kids/husband? Then leave STBXH to carry the conversation.

OriginalUsername2 · 19/08/2023 11:19

What’s so wrong with her?

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 11:31

Why would you? I don't understand why anyone has high expectations of a relationship with a woman from an entirely different generation whether she's your MIL or anyone else. It's great if you do-but why would you? My MIL is a nice person, but she is different from me in background, education, religion, life experience-everything. But it doesn't matter. We are cordial, we chat. But her relationship is with her son and her grandchildren. They all love each other and have the shared life experience. And that's great and how is should be.

ZekeZeke · 19/08/2023 11:54

She is not your MIL.
She is your partners mother.
Regardless, you don't have to have a relationship, leave that up to him.

What relationship did you expect?

GLORIAGloriarse · 19/08/2023 12:01

What's the problem, is he wanting you to spend more time together or be closer? If not, can't you just accept that you're very different and be civil rather than pushing to understand her better? What is it that you can't get a read on, different values, behaviour, culture, priorities? Does she want to be closer and understand you?

SmokeyToo · 19/08/2023 12:13

Personally, I couldn't get away from my mothers-in-law fast enough! Totally different people from me. Be polite and engage in conversation, but that's it.

Original poster
Magenta3 · 19/08/2023 12:14

I get that this sounds like a non-issue but I think part of the way I feel is there is pressure from her to spend time together. Not just me and her, all of the family. Initially I enjoyed this but I feel more and more pressured as visits are quite routine-based and scheduled. In her own words she 'runs a tight ship'. She puts up a wall when discussing anything, even small talk subjects. She doesn't say much, which I think I'm guilty of interpreting that she doesn't like me. FIL loves having a chat so I tend to steer towards him.

OP posts:
Mischance · 19/08/2023 12:18

Why are you in such a stew about this? There are lots of people that we meet in life whom we do not click with - not a problem. You don't have to live with her or be best mates. Just let it wash by you, and certainly do not make your OH feel bad and find himself in the position of having to defend her. He does not want to be piggy in the middle. Just let it go and get on with your life.

My MIL was mad as a hatter - eccentric to the nth degree - I just did my best when I was with her and forgot about it afterwards.

CurlewKate · 19/08/2023 12:19

@ZekeZeke "She is not your MIL.
She is your partners mother."

I will NEVER understand why married people gatekeep relationships!

Olika · 19/08/2023 12:25

I think you are putting too much pressure on yourself. When you are over there just have chats with whoever is chatty. If she asks you something you can answer her and maybe ask something but that's it. It's a two way street and if she isn't into chatting with you then you shouldn't push for it.

DyslexicPoster · 19/08/2023 12:26

If its the family gatherings, just gravitate away from chit chat with her? Only talks if she initiates it? Don't stat for so long?

My mil is controlling and judgmental whilst also having no part of our life ( think along the lines of gogglebox, she sits back and comments but not playing any interactive role in our lives).

I'd rather have a dull mil than one who constantly moans about things whilst moving to Asia.

FreeRider · 19/08/2023 12:28

I don't get on with my boyfriend's parents - we've been together 14 years. They (his father in particular, who voted for Brexit and is racist, homophobic and watches GB news 24/7) don't like me as I'm a foreign, divorced, lapsed Catholic who has been no contact with her father for 33 years....who is 2 years older than their son. We have absolutely zero in common.

I gave up on having any sort of relationship with them 7 years ago. Not seen them since, I live 200 miles away from them. Bothers me sometimes, but as others have posted it's not a mandatory relationship. I'm 55, so there's no grandchildren in the picture, either.

Original poster
Magenta3 · 19/08/2023 12:28

@Olika I think you're right. More recently I've embraced the silence which initially made me feel like I was being rude for not striking up a conversation, but afterwards I thought that wasn't so bad! I feel I'm on a learning/acceptance curve!!!

OP posts:
OriginalBin · 19/08/2023 12:33

I agree with PPs that you’re getting unnecessarily het up about this. IL relationships are just like colleagues — pure luck. I’m mildly fond of my own MIL because she produced my lovely husband, and I can see that her small-mindedness, lack of imagination and tactlessness are responses to the deprivation of her own upbringing (which she then reproduced by having far too many children with FIL, when they were living in two damp rooms and he was longterm unemployed in a recession). I’ve never expected to have a ‘relationship’ with her, and I attend or don’t attend family occasions as it suits me.

She absolutely prefers her other DILs, but in fairness, if what she wants as a DIL is a SAHM who produced lots of children, is still available to take her shopping on weekdays and accompany her to Weightwatchers and bingo, then a career-focused academic who has one child by choice and is more likely to be found climbing a mountain or drystone-walling, then I was never going to be her favourite. Which is fine!

namechange55465 · 19/08/2023 12:37

Stratocumulus · 19/08/2023 11:07

He needs to understand that we have chemistry with some people and not with others. That’s a notion that might be hard for a bloke.
It’s ok for you not to have any chemistry with the woman. We’ve all, for example worked with colleagues we have no chemistry with. He probably does?
You can only do your best and that will have to be good enough.

It sounds like it's OP that needs to understand this tbh.

GingerIsBest · 19/08/2023 12:38

So she likes having people, her family in particular, around, but she's not super chatty? And you like the overall vibe, enjoy chatting with FIL etc?

So yes, there's really no issue here. It's all good. My BIL is not a chatty person. But he actually loves being around people etc. So when we see them, which is fairly often, it's fine - but he doesn't take as active a part in the conversation as the rest of us.

GLORIAGloriarse · 19/08/2023 12:42

Got it, so she is pressuring you to be there. Tbh that wasn't clear from the OP. Have you tried limiting this and your DH is moaning? What if you tell him you don't want to spend that much time with family, they're wonderful people but you have your own lives and would like to spend time on other things. Make it about your needs, not how well you connect with them.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 12:46

You don't need to under, and you don't need to bow to the pressure of spending time with her. You really don't. Don't allow her to dictate the terms of the relationship. If you don't want to see her, don't. Your partner can visit.

Aquamarine1029 · 19/08/2023 12:47

*need to understand.

sunshineandshowers40 · 19/08/2023 12:51

Take the pressure of yourself and accept it for what it is. I understand how you feel as I am disappointed with my relationship with my MIL but we are very different people.

strawberry2017 · 19/08/2023 13:06

Just stop trying. You chose her son not her.
You have tried to have a relationship it's not there.
Just be cordial and leave it at that.

ZekeZeke · 19/08/2023 16:47

ZekeZeke · 19/08/2023 11:54

She is not your MIL.
She is your partners mother.
Regardless, you don't have to have a relationship, leave that up to him.

What relationship did you expect?

Not gatekeeping merely stating facts.