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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Not his true love

49 replies

Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 00:31

Has anyone been married to someone when you know that you are not their true love?

That they settled for you because they thought you would be a good wife?
That they settled for you as they knew their family would approve?
That they loved someone else but was never in a committed relationship as the other person only wanted abit of fun and was out of their league?

How do you go about this?
How do you get over the fact that everytime he kisses you, he wishes it was her he was kissing?
that whenever he is daydreaming he is thinking of her?..

OP posts:
SENDMummy · 19/08/2023 00:33

I'm so sorry, that is a horrible position to be in.

EmmasRegurgitatedShrimps · 19/08/2023 00:35

Yes.

No advice, but I’m planning my route out. It’s intolerable and I feel for you. There’s such sadness in your post and I hope you find happiness soon.

WhamBamThankU · 19/08/2023 01:03

You shouldn't have to put up with that if it's 100% fact.

Specso · 19/08/2023 01:04

Did he tell you that’s how he feels?

Do you want to get over it? Do you feel you want to stay in a relationship where you feel second best?

Original poster
Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 01:34

He has never actually admitted it.

I had a hunch from the way he would talk about her. He stopped early in the relationship as he realised it would upset me.

I knew it was true when we ran into her the other day and the way he looked at her was such a way I would only dream of.
He also watched her walk away.
She announced her engagement and he seemed upset the whole day.

I won't leave him as I love him too much and I know I'll never find anyone else like him.

I just need some advise on how to move past this.

OP posts:
RandomForest · 19/08/2023 01:38

I've known someone in an arranged marriage who loved her husband but he was never faithful, stating he never really wanted to be married to her.

Is this a recent confession of his op ?
Was he previously loving and stating you were his priority ?

RandomForest · 19/08/2023 01:39

Cross posted, I'm sorry op, have you actully had a conversation about this explaining how you feel.

TheLadyofShalott1 · 19/08/2023 02:02

Please, please, please don't move past this or put up with it @Biscuitz1.

After decades of feeling like you do, I can tell you that it really is soul destroying. I blame a lot of my illness, and almost all of my non-existent feelings of self worth, on the fact that my husband has never loved or respected me the way couples should love and respect each other.

I know that he does care about me, but I also know that there was one person with whom he was absolutely besotted, and another who was a close second, and that if either of them had agreed to marry him he would not now feel that he got the short straw.

At one time I was considered a "catch" by some people (never by me), and I already had children, which I knew he wanted - he is infertile - and I think he saw me as someone quite attractive and from a reasonably nice family, who would do as his wife as he couldn't have who he really wanted. His mother really liked me and my family but unfortunately it was for rather superficial reasons - I didn't realise that at the time, it became much clearer over the years.

You are worth so much more than that Biscuit, and even if you were never able to find the person that you should be sharing your life with, I am almost certain that you would be happier being single rather than nearing your death bed with so many regrets and hardly any feeling of self- worth.

FedUpWithEverything123 · 19/08/2023 02:07

I don't think this is something you can ever move past, OP - it will always be there. I would say this is the beginning of the end - you deserve better. It's even better just being on your own

MumGMT · 19/08/2023 03:32

I personally couldn't stay if I felt that I was second best......however I would say that you could also be torturing yourself with thoughts that aren't true.

How do you get over the fact that everytime he kisses you, he wishes it was her he was kissing?
that whenever he is daydreaming he is thinking of her?..

That might not be the case at all. Do you feel love, affection and passion from him?

I knew it was true when we ran into her the other day and the way he looked at her was such a way I would only dream of.
He also watched her walk away.
She announced her engagement and he seemed upset the whole day.

I've seen plenty of posts here over the years from people who ran into significant exes or they heard news about them and they get really thrown for a day/few days but it doesn't mean they've been thinking about the ex for the whole time or wished they were still with them. It's more like all the memories flood back or for a short time they're thinking about an alternative life they could have lived.

Monty27 · 19/08/2023 04:39

You are also settling for second best OP.
He's not the love of your life. He's not what you really want.
Nobody wants to play as the consolation prize for anyone.
Be good to yourself. You're worth it.

Original poster
Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 06:51

@QueenOfTheLabyrinth that post broke my heart as I could relate so much

@TheLadyofShalott1 did he admit this to you?

@MumGMT this was helpful. Maybe it's in my head but it's the never being 100% sure that's the killer.

OP posts:
JordanIsANameAndACountryAndABrand · 19/08/2023 09:02

I honestly think this would shatter your self esteem I advocate staying together when you have children as much as possible and safe but I think this is really cruel and brutal to live with. I'm so sorry.

Newusernameaug · 19/08/2023 09:08

I couldn’t live like this. It just shatters your confidence and self esteem.

I was dating someone 5 years ago, at the time I was aware his biz parter probably had feelings for him. When we split they got together, but the sad thing is we’ve stayed friends and he tells me he loves me and will never feel the same way about anyone else, he’s even told her, so now dragging me into his current relationship drama triangle so I’ve distanced myself as much as possible. It’s so unfair what he’s doing.

JordanIsANameAndACountryAndABrand · 19/08/2023 09:17

@Newusernameaug do you mind saying how you felt about your ex when he revealed he still loves you the most? Did you split up because of his biz partner? And do you think his biz partner knows this is how he feels?

JordanIsANameAndACountryAndABrand · 19/08/2023 09:18

@Newusernameaug I'm so sorry I've literally read you did say he told her and it dragged you into their drama... I've been up since 3am and my brain isn't working so well it seems!

WunWun · 19/08/2023 09:23

Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 01:34

He has never actually admitted it.

I had a hunch from the way he would talk about her. He stopped early in the relationship as he realised it would upset me.

I knew it was true when we ran into her the other day and the way he looked at her was such a way I would only dream of.
He also watched her walk away.
She announced her engagement and he seemed upset the whole day.

I won't leave him as I love him too much and I know I'll never find anyone else like him.

I just need some advise on how to move past this.

You don't leave him because you love him so much and you know you'll never find anyone else like him?

Honestly, people post so much drivel on here. It really makes me despair. You'll give up your life for someone who doesn't and won't ever love you? Get a fucking grip. Your self esteem is in the gutter.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/08/2023 09:23

Monty27 · 19/08/2023 04:39

You are also settling for second best OP.
He's not the love of your life. He's not what you really want.
Nobody wants to play as the consolation prize for anyone.
Be good to yourself. You're worth it.

This is what I was going to say, plus the other person is not his true love either as she's engaged to someone else. They're not Romeo and Juliet, if they really were each other's true love they'd be together.

You say you won't find anyone else like him. I would hope not too, who wants a man who's childishly pining after the one who got away?

Staying with him is not ultimately going to make you happy.

TheAverageJoanne · 19/08/2023 09:26

Also if this guy doesn't grow up he's going to have the same issue with the next one when you dump him ...

Original poster
Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 09:29

Ok don't be so rude

He loves me ok

Just not the way I want

We have happy moments and I'd rather take that when be alone and miserable for the rest of my life

OP posts:
Original poster
Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 09:32

Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 09:29

Ok don't be so rude

He loves me ok

Just not the way I want

We have happy moments and I'd rather take that when be alone and miserable for the rest of my life

@WunWun

OP posts:
WunWun · 19/08/2023 09:33

He's not in love with you and never will be. He's mooning over some other woman. You're making an idiot of yourself. What you've posted is so pathetic it's hard not to be rude.

WunWun · 19/08/2023 09:34

Him "loving you ok" is him going through the motions in your sham life.

Original poster
Biscuitz1 · 19/08/2023 09:46

WunWun · 19/08/2023 09:33

He's not in love with you and never will be. He's mooning over some other woman. You're making an idiot of yourself. What you've posted is so pathetic it's hard not to be rude.

Keyboard warriors are more pathetic

My situation isn't the best I know but have some manners at least.

OP posts: